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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to strip DDs bedroom of all her personal possesions?

410 replies

VoldemortsNipple · 25/04/2011 10:32

I really need some good advice on how to handle this. Sorry its long.

DD is 14. her bedroom is a tip. I dont mean normal teenage mess, I mean environmental hazard mess. There are dirty dishes that she sneaks up there, pot noodle pots shoved down the side of her bed. We had mice at Christmas!

All her clothes are dirty. I have asked time and time again for her to bring washing down. All she brings is the bare minimum of washing that she needs, ie; one set of school uniform, one pair of jeans and a top that she wants to wear. She normally washes her own clothes now because of this, but she washes them as she needs them. She has a binbag full of washing in one corner, the rest is all over the floor, including smelly dirty underwear. When she runs out of clean underwear, she will take to wearing mine. She will even wear her brothers boxers.

She has broken countless expensive items by lack of respect. Her laptop over heats because she would fall asleep with it on her bed. Now she will take her brothers things without asking and refuses to give them back or denies she has them until we have a big shouting match about it. We have to unplug the wireless router and take it to bed with us or she will sneak downstairs and be on the intenet until early hours of the morning.

I have helped her tidy her room countless times but within a few days it is a mess again. The bedroom is now in such a mess it stinks. Last summer she paid for paint and new soft furnishings to decorate the room herself. I thorght then that she would begin to take pride in it but she still doesnt care.

Her personal hygiene is also very bad. She goes out to school with perfectly straight hair and make up on, but she will smell of BO because she hasnt washed. If we are lucky she will have a shower once a week.

On Friday I gave her an ultimatum that she has until the end of today to clean her room or I will go in and clean it for her and on doing so will remove all her things. Up until not she hasnt done a thing and I really dont expect her to.

So tomorrow I want to not only clean her room, but take away all her things including books, ipods, make up and straigteners (which will upset her the most) and leave her with two sets of clothes, underwear, uniform and pyjamas.

I want her to respect her own and other people posessions. I dont know whether by leaving her with so little will do more harm than good but I just dont know what to do next.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 28/04/2011 13:51

OMG OMG OMg

I'm watching this thread with a mixture of terrified fascination, huge respect for OP (for going ahead with her threat) and a deep sense of dread (I can see my future...possibly).

My eldest DD is a neat freak, DD2 however will create the biggest mess (cutting up paper etc, I put it down to her being arty farty too....) and then she'd anounce she's too tired to tidy at the end, so her sister and I end up tidying up, while she moans about her aches and pains (she's sixHmm).

Sarraburd · 28/04/2011 13:59

Go Voldy!!! Ditto taking notes! Do not give in or she will never believe you again.

I second the pleaful poster who wished someone had taught/been tough with her as a teen - my parents live in a sty (my father once found an ossified cat's turd in the piles and piles of paperwork on his desk) and was quite happy to live that way myself (though never used sts or foul things leading to mice/maggots. Shudder indeed. Just books and crap everywhere and dirty laundry in heaps and heaps)

Then I met dh, who is borderline OCD. As you can imagine, domestic order is something I've now had to learn and is often cause of rows for us...it's a testimony to how much he liked me that he saw my room on our very first date but still carried on seeing me!

So if you feel your resolve weaken - just remember, it's for her own good!

BestNameEver · 28/04/2011 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Waltons · 28/04/2011 14:27

Way to go, Voldy! A huge round of applause from me. [csmile]

I told DS2 that computer time = homework time last night. You would think I had told him that I was about to cut off his arms ...

Tomorrow it's DS1's turn. Let the war begin, indeed!

cjel · 28/04/2011 14:50

well done voldy. very fair and reasonable. think maybe less time to sort stuff in basket might work better too. xxxxxxx

Maryz · 28/04/2011 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IloveJudgeJudy · 28/04/2011 15:49

Bogeyface, I know all that in theory Wink, it's just it's like Voldemort said, when the bedroom is tidy and everything's away and DD is happy, it's hard to keep on with the not doing stuff for her or keeping the things that she wants so she has to work for them. When she's being mean, it's easy.

I shall keep coming back to this thread, though, to give me strength when I feel like faltering. It's a great thread, Voldemort. Thanks for starting it.

starfishmummy · 28/04/2011 15:52

Well done Voldy!!

I was told similar things when I was younger, relating to my Dads days in the NAvy - stuff left lying around would be bagged up and I would need to "pay"/earn it back.

Wonder if it works on husbands? Mines idea of tidying is to put the junk in a pile rather than dealing with it.

Original poster
VoldemortsNipple · 28/04/2011 16:03

Thanks bogeyface and chippingIn 24 hours it is. You're right 3 days is far too long.

She was told this morning about her responsibilities. Wink I think thats my new favourate word. DH and I were out last night so it gave me time to discuss it with him so we are both on the same page.

Maryz, DD has exams in June too. That was one of the reasons I knew I had to take drastic action. Nobody can revise with that amount of distraction. Well maybe sarraburd's dad could Shock

OP posts:
cuteboots · 28/04/2011 16:11

Its sounds like something is going on here as I thought that at about this age they start getting into hair make up and general girlie preening. I agree with the removal of some of the personal stuff and the encouraging her to be a bit cleaner but could there be some other stuff going on here?? I would maybe expect this sort of thing from a boy as I remember my bruv being a right nightmare but I thought girls were a bit more savvy?

LaWeasel · 28/04/2011 16:19

You can't divide between girls and boys like that unfortunately.

Sometimes I think it is just a denial of growing up type thing.

If I smell I'm a grown up.
I'm not ready to be a grown up - so I can't smell yet.
So if I wash, I'm saying I smell.

It is not remotely rational, and if softly softly approaches aren't working (which they weren't) you have to do something bigger.

heliumballoons · 28/04/2011 16:26

I have been lurking for days and have to add my support to you voldy You rock. Grin

My DS is only 6yo and I am following this thread with fear and anticipation and collecting helpful hints along the way. Grin

Your rules are clear - certainly I remember when I was a teen my mum and dad set rules like this. I knew where I stood and what I had to do and I may not have liked it and argued but they never gave in!

bessimo Really Hmm I do love those who say 'you all send too much time on MN'. How do you know unless your here too. [cwink]

cuteboots · 28/04/2011 16:30

Laweasel- I agree that not all children are the same and if they were it would be a really boring world. Children are not at all rational and yep there are times when you have to take bigger steps to combat certain things but this to me still makes me think theres other stuff going on!

Maryz · 28/04/2011 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
VoldemortsNipple · 28/04/2011 16:37

Cuteboots She loves putting her make up on and doing her hair. She just wipes off yesterdays make up and straightens unwashed hair!

Believe it or not her skin is so clear, she hardly ever has spots.

DS1 is 12 and is much cleaner and tidier.

OP posts:
Waltons · 28/04/2011 16:42

cuteboots, it's a long thread so I guess you haven't read it all. We went through the "Is she depressed bit?" around Page 2. The conclusion was pretty much that the only thing that she might be depressed about was the state of her room! She is popular, happy and very confident. She is also a teenage girl with seriously scuzzy habits at present. (Voldy - you know I don't mean to offend - just telling it like it is!)

A very interesting theory, LaWeasel. Looking back at my own teenage years and some of my more revolting habits I do think there could be something in it.

Original poster
VoldemortsNipple · 28/04/2011 16:47

No offence taken Waltons Smile

OP posts:
Needanewname · 28/04/2011 16:47

I have to say I'm dreading the teenage years! Can I not just keep them at this age (7 and 4) forever?!

cuteboots · 28/04/2011 16:50

Waltons- In that case I agree with the tactics being used and hope they are of some help moving forward. I did only read the last page of this thread so appologies.

tralalala · 28/04/2011 16:53

Definately print it out for her, then you don't have the ..'you never said that you said...'.

Also stops you from having to say it again and get cross, and confrontational...whatever you do dont get annoyed/shout etc, in fact the less you refer to it the better as she will not grind you down.

LaWeasel · 28/04/2011 17:08

I may also have had some gross habits.

I did get over it quite quickly I think, but then it still didn't quite work out, because parents thought the most important thing was deodorant and weren't as fussed about washing, whereas deodorant doesn't seem to work that well on me, took a long time to work out that I needed to be very regular about washing to stay clean. (which seems stuipidly logical when you write it, but parents were from poor once weekly wash backgrounds and not smelly, so it wasn't something they encouraged particularly)

GothAnneGeddes · 28/04/2011 17:16

I haven't got a teenager yet, but I can remember DSis being v skanky and my Mum was a SAHM and this was before the internet (Hmm). Some teens are skankier then others.

Voldy, you're doing the right thing and I'm glad you started this thread.

Sarraburd · 28/04/2011 18:27

My dad pitched a tent in his room at uni so he could study/revise in a nest in the squalor...seriously Voldy stay firm if you want to spare potential grandchildren my upbringing! He also used to sit in my playpen and read when he was supposed to be banysitting me, so that I couldn't get to him, but that's another story...

Have decided to implement amended version of The Rules for my dcs (still v little - 7 and under):

Homework time = tv time (will become Wii or similar time with the DSs in due course...)
Tidy room (once weekly spot check to check not brushed under bed/into cupboards, which dh, despite his semiOCD does!) = allowed to keep toys
Messy room = toys on floor confiscated and returned gradually
Helping around the house without moaning = pocket money

Original poster
VoldemortsNipple · 28/04/2011 19:22

Hi all.

DD is in a terrible mood tonight. The penny has dropped that I didnt just clean her room for her to mess it up again.

She arrived home to realise I had removed her laptop from her room again. She asked why and I told her again that she had to earn time on the computer and also as it was on the floor and her bed wasnt made I wasnt happy and would she like to discuss it further. I really am being very calm

She is now refusing to speak to me and is not interested in anything I have to say. Thats fine, Ive told her when she is ready to discuss it, we will but until then she will not be getting any of her things back.

So she has done her best to wind up the boys as I wont take the bait.

She has calmed down a bit now. She is watching a film downstairs as her bedroom has nothing of interest in.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 28/04/2011 19:26
Grin