to be annoyed at SIL naming her baby daughter almost the exact same name as my DD?

[RubyGrace17]

Hi everyone,

I've posted a few times on various topics but this is my first AIBU :) I can't decide who is being unreasonable here, hopefully you can help me decide!

I have three daughters- aged 5, 3 and 4 months. My SIL (DH's Brother's Wife) had her second daughter on Tuesday evening and we are all absolutely delighted for them. However, last night BIL txt DH (and other members of family) to announce baby's name as they hadn't been able to decide up until now. She is named Isabelle Eva- lovely name. The issue is that my DD3 is named Isabella Eve and goes by Bella. Initially I was shocked that she would choose such a similar name, however, I did think she would choose a different variation for a nickname- my own DD is Bella. We went over to visit tonight along with PILs and no, they are calling her Bella too.
I can't decide if I am being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed- MIL is infuriated and wanted to "confront" SIL about "copying" and is none too happy at "having 2 GDs with the "same" name" (her words, not mine). I convinced her that wasn't necessary and insisted that she would no doubt choose a different nickname so it wouldn't be an issue. I could understand if it were a family name and she too wanted to honour a family member but neither of these names are.
I am not extremely close to SIL, however, we do get together as an extended family once a week or so and I often look after her little one as she is the same age as my DD2 and we all adore her so the girls do all spend time together. She has never really expressed to me that she particularly likes Bella as a name, nor has she expressed dislike. I know I do not "own" a name but it just strikes me as being quite unreasonable? I don't know- perhaps I'm just hormonal and being silly.
Look forward to your opinions!

Sorry- very long post!

Ruby

Was just coming back to post what Pag said.

It could give her a great big complex.

Don't worry, I can't imagine anything worse than calling my daughter "Big Bella". Poor wee thing. You're right, that would give her a complex! So I definitely will NOT be doing that, nor will I be allowing anyone else to call her that.

Ruby

It may comfort you to know that DD2 (14) has the same name as one of my cousins (cousin is 26, lived 3000 miles away until 3 years ago). DD2 is called Little X and cousin is called Big X when and if we need to differentiate between them.

Both Little X and Big X are happy with this, neither has a complex, neither is anorexic, neither suffers in any way. In fact, their relationship is the exceptionally strong and they are pretty damn close given the age gap.

All is not lost!

Utterly ridiculous.

I would think the best way to get them to think twice (they certainly can, it's not too late yet) is to get your DH to point out how difficult it will be for both girls growing up - not just in the family but schools, officialdom, friends etc. Don't mention your own personal feelings on it. And get MIL to say the same - to BIL, rather than as you say unleashing her on SIL (just not on when you've just had a baby I reckon no matter how unreasonable the behaviour!). Oh, and get both of them to say quite firmly to BIL that the family WILL NOT be calling her Bella - they can choose an alternative nickname or just put up with you all making an executive decision on Izzy or Eve. Because that's a step too far - a ridiculous situation not just for the girls but everyone in the family. You don't feel calling her Bella will be appropriate - you don't have to.

Pointing out the 'Is a believer' thing might help too. Bit mean but you could give BIL a double whammy by getting MIL or FIL to ask 'Well is she a believer then?' with a laugh, then let your DH have his discussion.

FWIW I think you very much should try and encourage them to change it by sowing doubt with BIL. It is a completely silly thing to do - not so much for you, but for the children involved. Very unfair on both. I don't think in this circumstance you are being unreasonable by making it clear how everyone else sees it - you will be doing the children a huge favour and possibly BIL and SIL too - it's very likely that in time they'll come to regret this decision!

You'd really advocate that a family refused to address a child by the parents' name of choice, ShoutyGerbil?

My parents tried that with one of my DDs (long story and unconnected to her sharing a name with her 2nd Cousin). I was disgusted and angered with their controlling behaviour.

I gave them two choices... respect the choice which I had made for my daughter or accept that they wouldn't be seeing us again. Funnily enough, they backed down mighty quickly.

Tsk, refuse, not refused.

YANBU. Choosing two names which are almost identical to your own DD's is pushing it too far. One name would be annoying but understandable but two no way. Nicknaming her Bella is really taking the biscuit.

I don't think there is much you can do about it apart from knowing that you're not being unreasonable.

In this situation yes Vallhala - because it directly impacts on their own daughter. I agree with you entirely that in most cases the parents' choice should be respected and not doing so is rude in the extreme (and usually an attempt to control as in your case).

This to me seems quite different - if we are talking about respect, it would seem to me that the BIL/SIL's choice is disrespectful to the OP to start with. Who does this?! It's unthinkable that they would just not realise the difficulties and possibly bad feeling/upset on the part of the OP - and they've gone ahead anyway. It's weird and embarrassing.

The OP and family wouldn't be refusing to use Bella for the nasty reasons above - it would be to prevent confusion and quite possibly also bad feeling on the part of two small girls as they grow up. 'I'm the REAL Bella! I was here first! Your mum just COPIED mine!' (Oh gawd...)

Secondly, in the context of my post I was suggesting that the DH and MIL point out that they would be really unhappy with the two children being known as EXACTLY the same name as part of their discussion with BIL, as part of really getting the point across. So far, no-one has publicly batted an eyelid - if it is made clear to BIL the way others are thinking, they might reconsider. FWIW I would think that it wouldn't be long before either the girls themselves or friends ended up calling one of them Izzy anyway.

I do see what you mean though, and appreciate that if the SIL is in general a bit more 'distant' from the rest of the family then there is a good chance that any discussion will be seen as an attempt to be controlling etc. Names are so personal. But isn't that the whole point of this thread?! What they've done is BARKING!

Aaah but think of the innocence of your older DD's who can loudly and unctactfully ask over lunch "Why are there 2 baby Bella's Mummy? Didn't Auntie X know OUR babywas called Bella?"

You many need to bribe them with chocolate to ask though

Goodness, so what? Bella and Baby Bella at home, Isabella/e Eve/a everywhere else... No reason for the WWIII.

bemybebe - so if they're at school together the teacher has to call one Isabelle Eva and the other Isabella Eve to differentiate?

No one omws a name but I can see why you are upset, maybe her daughter could be called Izzie and not Bella

Are they planning to go to the same school? Let them cross this bridge when they come to it.

This situation is not ideal, but neither a reason for major fall out.

Have to say your SIL and BIL are lunatics!

Also have to say that Isabella Eve sounds much nicer than Isabelle Eva (that sounds like Is a believer.)

I think they should call her Eva. It doesn't really matter about middle names as much, does it?

OP YADNBU, how weird. I love my 4 year old cousins name, doesn't mean I'd call my DD it - and my cousin lives in Wales and I'm in England! There are lots of nice girls names out there without confusing my elderly grandparents. My DP's brother has my favourite boys name, his middle name is also the middle name I want to use (after a friend who died when I was at school). So if my BIL is Jim Bob Smith my DS would also be Jim Bob Smith. No, I'll just have to use a different first name and suck it up if I have a DS. Such is life!

Plus there's no Bella in Isabelle, surely Belle is the natural option? If they really wanted Bella they could have called her Bella, or Isabella (after all, Isabelle and Isabella are varients of the same name so they may as well have gone the whole hog). They could have called her Arabella/Annabelle etc if they really like that type of name. Or Isobel/Isabel/Ysabelle to make it less similar in terms of admin.

They could even have called her Elizabeth, it's still the same name in terms of origin but at least it sounds different.

Let us know how you get on today Ruby!

I would just like to second the opionions already posted above and point out that the medical files of myself and my three sisters have been mixed up in the past. Twice. By two differant hospitals and our names are not even similar. Two start with A. Once was very nearly a major issue(and nearly life or death senario). The other more a minor prescription error.
I also agree that if no-one has raised the issue in anyway at all the BIL and SIL could be unaware of the depth of your families feelings on this matter.

"Do hope SIL and BIL are registered with a different GP, for starters. You really don't want their medical records being confused. Then there are school records, as they get older National Insurance and tax, even court records if they ever have the misfortune to get a speeding ticket... so many opportunities for confusion."

Ok, some of you are not only being unreasonable, you're being downright irrational at this point.

The GP, the taxman, and any other official authority will never get these two girls confused, because they as standard ask for the date of birth to confirm identity. The girls may be of similar age, but they do not share a date of birth, right?

The reason the authorities do this is that it is not that unusual for two people to share the exact same name, not just a very similar name, in this country. (Just think, what do all the Smiths and Joneses do!?!?!?)

And while Isabella Eve is a lovely name, it is also (this year) an extremely common one. This is the risk you take when you pick two names off the top 10. In fact my cousin had a little one about 9 months ago and named hers Isabella Eve as well. (I did just confirm Eve was in the fact the middle name before posting this as I wasn't sure - which leads to my second point is that most people don't often use their middle names on an everyday basis anyway).

I'd also like to remind those advocating some form of retaliation / mocking that there are CHILDREN INVOLVED in this. Anyone who dares give this second girl a nn to spite the mother is a horrible person, imo. Even if you mock the parents... as this little girl gets older, she'll figure things out, and mocking the parents will be the same as mocking her.

I agree with those advocating an open (and civilised) discussion. As the OP said, she doesn't even know the rationale at this stage!!! They might have a very good reason (or a very bad reason). Yet here we are, all assuming the worst, making plans to start a holy war.

some people need to get a life!!!!!

Thank you all for your replies again.
DH brought up with BIL whilst the girls were hunting for the easter eggs (I was helping DN and DD2 collect the eggs so I was also in the garden but not in the conversation, iyswim). DH generally said something along the lines of it was such a surprise, to find out you?d chosen such a similar name to our Bella- I?m just a bit worried that in future, it could cause a bit of negativity/ confusion for the girls, especially as they?re likely to go to the same school, spend a lot of time together etc etc and share the same second name. BIL apparently was quite embarrassed and said he had thought the name too similar but SIL had always liked my DD3s name and so wanted something ?similar? to it for her own DD2. DH said that this was fine BUT perhaps a different nickname is appropriate, in order that there is no confusion for the girls. DH pointed out that MIL & FIL were also a bit perplexed about having 2 DGDs with same name.
BIL seemed to agree with this in theory and said he would discuss it with SIL and see ?what she thinks?. However, I feel that is HAS already been discussed between them (when they chose such a similar name) so I don?t hold out much hope. However, perhaps knowing that the whole family feels the same way and concentrating on the practicality issues rather than my being annoyed that she?s chosen such a similar name, will be a factor in the decision now.
We?ve still to go to lunch (3pm) BIL has left DN here and we are taking her over to PILs along with our girls. MIL txt me to say that she has written in baby?s easter card ?To Isabelle? and not Bella but has written Bella in my DDs- all my girls go by nicknmaes- Millie & Sophie, and my DN also goes by a shorter version of her name and MIL has written HER name in nick name form in her card. I don?t want things to get petty or for any tension to be created though and MIL is not known for being overly tactful!

I actually think Isabelle is a beautiful name and though Belle is very similar and Issy (or a variant) would be better in terms of making the names different, if they would at least call her Belle, it would be a lot better than Bella
Slightly dreading going to lunch now :( I txt SIL to thank her for girls easter eggs so perhaps if she does txt back she might mention the name thing, if BIL does in fact let her know about chat earlier.
Ruby

I would refer to the baby as baby bel from now onwards.
Hopefully that nickname will stick.
If they question it or complain simply say 'well we need some way of knowing them apart so family know who is who. Unless you want to call her issy or something other than dd's name... You must of realised this would cause issues'

I still think that perhaps gently asking them to swap the names around so E I instead of I E might be a better way of doing it, then everyone has the name they would like. It is strange but I know that I spent the last 5 months of my pg hoping that if both sil and I had boys (we both have 2 dc's born 4 months apart both of hers first) that she wouldn't name her ds George, I was praying as that was the only name we had really settled on for a boy. As it turns out they did have a boy and so I had to suck up their name decision. Incidentally it wasn't George and when ds arrived we both decided he didn't really fit George so I spent too long panicking about nothing. However we would have changed if they had chosen the name. if they did that it would be a compromise and you both would still have the names you love even if they did call their dd Bella/Belle anyway.

OP simply call your DN Isabelle when together, that is her name after all.

Good luck Ruby, I think Bella and Belle would be ok, the girls may like having similar names when they're older and at least that way they have their own nn even if they are similar. I think Izzy would be the best bet for Isabelle though, or just call her Isabelle and she'll naturally get a nn at school etc anyway and I doubt children would turn Isabelle to Bella. I'm sure your SIL will be able to see that it's not nice that her DD will always be Bella 2, rather than Bella in her own right. Plus her DD will realise that your DD came first as will everyone else.

Frankly if I was the SIL I'd be embarrassed - imagine having so little imagination you can't even think of a name for your child without copying your SIL's child's name.

"... perhaps gently asking them to swap the names around... "

Gently or not you can't go around asking people to change the name that they've decided upon for their child, you just can't. Even if their decision is peculiar.

On another note, I don't see the progression from Isabelle to Bella. Isabelle to Belle, leavng ruby's daughter Isabella alone to remain Bella, makes sense, calling an Isabelle "Bella" doesn't make sense.

Regardless, they're both pretty names. :)