to be annoyed at SIL naming her baby daughter almost the exact same name as my DD?

[RubyGrace17]

Hi everyone,

I've posted a few times on various topics but this is my first AIBU :) I can't decide who is being unreasonable here, hopefully you can help me decide!

I have three daughters- aged 5, 3 and 4 months. My SIL (DH's Brother's Wife) had her second daughter on Tuesday evening and we are all absolutely delighted for them. However, last night BIL txt DH (and other members of family) to announce baby's name as they hadn't been able to decide up until now. She is named Isabelle Eva- lovely name. The issue is that my DD3 is named Isabella Eve and goes by Bella. Initially I was shocked that she would choose such a similar name, however, I did think she would choose a different variation for a nickname- my own DD is Bella. We went over to visit tonight along with PILs and no, they are calling her Bella too.
I can't decide if I am being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed- MIL is infuriated and wanted to "confront" SIL about "copying" and is none too happy at "having 2 GDs with the "same" name" (her words, not mine). I convinced her that wasn't necessary and insisted that she would no doubt choose a different nickname so it wouldn't be an issue. I could understand if it were a family name and she too wanted to honour a family member but neither of these names are.
I am not extremely close to SIL, however, we do get together as an extended family once a week or so and I often look after her little one as she is the same age as my DD2 and we all adore her so the girls do all spend time together. She has never really expressed to me that she particularly likes Bella as a name, nor has she expressed dislike. I know I do not "own" a name but it just strikes me as being quite unreasonable? I don't know- perhaps I'm just hormonal and being silly.
Look forward to your opinions!

Sorry- very long post!

Ruby

I agree you'll just all have to call your neice Isabelle and leave it at that.

TBH your SIL sounds a controlling witch and part of me thinks you would be better off having sod all to do with her. Though of course I understand why you don't feel that way. She obviously has her DH wrapped round her finger. Silly woman, silly man. All you can do from now is pointedly refer to your DN as Isabelle, ultimately that's her name. I would also make sure that all your mutual acquaintances know how this has happened as clearly most people will think your SIL is mildly unhinged.

Only one other suggestion - could you add an extra middle name to your DD's names's - just to reduce the chances of admin issues later on? Maybe a nice timeless one syllable name like Ruth or Claire. Just a thought.

Think about it this way.

SIL has outed herself as a loon, and flounced from a social event. She's not in a happy place with all this.

Your dh had his say and his relationship with his brother is presumably ok.
You got to have your say with your SIL - how many people get to do that?
MIL has had her say (now encourage her to keep a lid on it!).

The girls will grow up and most likely think it's great.

It's a really odd thing to have happened in the first place but providing your SIL isn't actually mentally ill with awful PND, and you can all just suck it up (her too) then really it's not a terrible outcome. It's not like you're going to be a seething, damaging mass of unspoken hatred - it's out in the open. SIL has come out of it the worst, now pity her and roll your eyes and forget about it.

NAMES

Your SIL sounds like a fruitloop & not a nice person. It's a shame your MIL pushed the point about nicknames, now it's going to seem like a dig when she uses her full name. I wouldn't be surprised if your SIL started to use your daughters full name in a twisted retaliation. You sound like a close family, I wouldn't let it get to you. You got there first and in the future if anyone asks you can have the smug advantage of explaining that. I don't think it will be any more damaging to your dd to have to 'share' her name, it happens a lot with first names. I appreciate that they will also share a surname but this will only be an issue if/when they go to the same school / nursery. If that happens deal with it then but I should think teachers would adopt Isabelle & Bella just to make life easy. You won't always be able to control what your dd gets called & as long as she is happy it won't matter, she will always be Bella to you.

As for your fruitloop SIL I'd leave her to it. Sounds like you & your dh are handling it well. Don't get drawn into an argument and put a stop to your MIL's grumblings but let her know you've appreciated her support.

Your SIL is barking. Don't feel bad - you didn't cause a problem, she did. If she goes ahead with her mad plan to use identical Christian names and nicknames, all you can do is not let her see you are irritated or upset. Everyone who matters will know your dd is the elder and realise that SIL and BIL are the ones being weird/difficult.

Dunno whether there's any mileage in having a word with the local registrar - probably not, I don't think registrars can refuse names in this country, however mad they are. (And it's not a mad name in itself, just in this context.)

Oh dear so sorry to hear she reacted so badly but Ihave to say I am not surprised. No advice to offer really.

Wow. I thought my SIL had the prize for being an attention-seeking flouncer, but even she wouldn't pull a stunt like this.
You'll just have to step back now, and take the moral high ground. Continue to call your DD Bella, hers IsaBELLE and if you ever have to differentiate between the two, refer to hers as Number 2.

What the hell is the rule for italics??? For two separate words? Didn't want the whole phrase done.

clam - it seems to be if you try and embelish two words in the same paragraph in the same way it takes the first "start" and the last "finish".

Although if you do something different in the middle it doesn't go so upset .

Back to the discussion :). YADDDDDNBU. If SIL was so set on the name and knew she was having a girl then she should have said something when you announced the name of your DD or even before. Just using what is, to all intents and purposes, exactly the same name and not even explaining why is downright weird. I'd like to hope your BIL can talk her round, but suspect that might be wishful thinking - but I do hope it doesn't cause a massive family rift, as it sounds as though (in general) there's a lovely close family for both cousins to be raised in :)

namechangertoday - I agree with ajandjjmum. Our DD2 was stillborn at 36 months last year. If someone in our close family wanted to use all or part of her name for a new baby we would be deeply honoured. (And we'd assume they'd talk to us first - just using the name out of the blue would be a bit more of a shock, but not necessarily an unwelcome one.)

(OK - I haven't got a clue what its doing )

I think- outrageous though it is- that I would be seriously considering changing my own daughter's name at this point. It's pretty clear to me that your SIL is gearing up for a lifetime of dubbing your child Big Bella, and that Wil Not Do.

How about the younger is known as BabyBel(la)?

Too cheesy?

Well-it could be worse-SIL could have actually named her daughter Bella-then what would you do?

Why don´t you both use their actual names?

I would just call her Issy, and say that you can't call her Bella cos that is your daughters name and it is too confusing.

YANBU. Weird.

What an arse she sounds. You have nothing to be blamed for - it was a silly, embarassing thing to do in the first place and no sane person would think that it would just not get commented on. I think you've been remarkably restrained!

It sounds more now as if the whole thing was more than a touch deliberately provocative. She suggested you change YOUR daughter's name to accommodate the fact that they've copied her name? How aggressive is that?! It sounds as if she'd be more than happy for there to be a falling out tbh. It sounds as if your MIL's instinct that she would like more distance from the family might be the right one. Or, she is far more arrogant, controlling and downright rude than you've seen so far!

How totally weird. What does your DH think of it all now, and what will happen next?

OP, sorry your nice afternoon was spoiled .

Please, please, think 'big picture' here. Do not allow it to drive a wedge between your BIL and his family, because I do believe it possible that this is your SIL's ultimate intention. The name was just an opportunity.

The only alternative I can think of is that this very reserved woman could have some form of PND, making her seek this isolation from all but her nuclear family. Is that possible?

Well I think tbh it´s hardest from MIL pov.

She has two DsIL insisting that two of her GDs be called Bella!

Hopefully there will come a time when neither girls wish to be called this?

agee with whereyouleftit

I can't stop thinking about this

How on earth have you managed to restrain yourself from just saying to her:

'But you have COPIED the name of our daughter, her COUSIN, who was born only four months ago! You've COPIED HER EXACT NAME! That is MAD! It's INSANE! Everyone who meets us/the girls/ the family will think that you're the strangest couple going! Because it's a CRAZY THING TO DO! What possessed you?! Can't you see how TOTALLY MAD you both look?'

Honestly, it must be so stressful for you what with the bad feeling that's now flying around but the whole thing is !! !! !! !!

Your DH must be absolutely amazed at his brother. If anyone I knew well went along with something like this I would think that they had lost their marbles. Even looking past the name issue itself, I reckon it will change your relationship forever just knowing how nuts they actually are (or rather SIL is).

In fact a good way of dealing with it might be to up the MADNESS ante. You could get your MIL to have a maaaassssiive tantrum during which she declares that she can't handle it and will from now on call one girl Hopalong Birtwangle while the other will be The Shadow At Midnight. SIL gets to choose which name she wants, naturally

Yes, they look like idiots as your daughter is older.

It´s MIL I feel sorry for tbh.

"Oh yes, I have two lovely GDs-Bella & Bella"

OP-do you ever intend to call your daughter Isabella?

I think the restraint and understanding you've shown towards your SIL (and BIL) is admirable. Their behaviour has been odd, to say the least.

As others have said, you would have expected them to have at least talked to you about their choice first. I certainly don't know if I could have held my tongue if someone suggested I changed my child's name after 4 months to prevent confusion with their newborn.

I can understand that you don't want this escalating into a full scale drama, but to be honest, I don't think something like this could have passed without comment. What a shame they didn't feel the need to bring it up first.

I can't really see how this wouldn't change the relationship between you all, which is a shame, but that has really been beyond your control. It's the decisions that your BIL and SIL have made that will have changed things - you and your DH have kept things relatively calm from the sound of it.

Interesting ShoutyH I too have not been able to stop thinking about this. I think it's fascinating because we are all baffled as to WHY the SIL has done this. As you say it is a barking thing to do and most people will think the SIL is mad so why on earth would she make herself look so nutty to the rest of the world??

It must be something about wanting her DH all to herself and to make him completely dependent on her. I sense this is one instance where a mother's instinct (ie MIL's) is proved to be right.

My life experience has also taught me to stay away from people who have life-long family feuds, they invariably spell trouble.

Yes Vicky! It's just so crazy. You would forever be looking at them and just quietly marvelling that they could possibly think that it would be ok. And that no-one would say anything or have a problem with it. And the response from your SIL - ! I'm incredulous. Am with diddl too, poor MIL!

It's just not something you do unless you are either truly a little unhinged OR out to cause trouble of some sort.