to be annoyed at SIL naming her baby daughter almost the exact same name as my DD?

[RubyGrace17]

Hi everyone,

I've posted a few times on various topics but this is my first AIBU :) I can't decide who is being unreasonable here, hopefully you can help me decide!

I have three daughters- aged 5, 3 and 4 months. My SIL (DH's Brother's Wife) had her second daughter on Tuesday evening and we are all absolutely delighted for them. However, last night BIL txt DH (and other members of family) to announce baby's name as they hadn't been able to decide up until now. She is named Isabelle Eva- lovely name. The issue is that my DD3 is named Isabella Eve and goes by Bella. Initially I was shocked that she would choose such a similar name, however, I did think she would choose a different variation for a nickname- my own DD is Bella. We went over to visit tonight along with PILs and no, they are calling her Bella too.
I can't decide if I am being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed- MIL is infuriated and wanted to "confront" SIL about "copying" and is none too happy at "having 2 GDs with the "same" name" (her words, not mine). I convinced her that wasn't necessary and insisted that she would no doubt choose a different nickname so it wouldn't be an issue. I could understand if it were a family name and she too wanted to honour a family member but neither of these names are.
I am not extremely close to SIL, however, we do get together as an extended family once a week or so and I often look after her little one as she is the same age as my DD2 and we all adore her so the girls do all spend time together. She has never really expressed to me that she particularly likes Bella as a name, nor has she expressed dislike. I know I do not "own" a name but it just strikes me as being quite unreasonable? I don't know- perhaps I'm just hormonal and being silly.
Look forward to your opinions!

Sorry- very long post!

Ruby

someone in my family, my bils daughter who is similar age to me named her ds2 who was 6mnths younger then my ds with the same name as my ds,

tbh i wasnt really bothered, i mean i dont have copyright over the name, her dh liked it and it went well with their ds1s name, the name has nice meanin and everythin.

however the 2nd names are different, if they chose a similar second name aswell it would be quite weird, but there are more important things in life, imo family ties and closeness is more important.

How about Ishbel, used to be quite common in the Highlands, and still used.
I think it's quite nice, and Isabelle/Bella is getting very popular.
Look it up.

Ishbel is a very nice name. I like that a lot. Hope the OP reads this far to see that name.

Angels - because it's better to have the option of the full, formal name as well, especially for formal purposes. Bella is a legitimate contraction of Isabella. (Actually Bella would be OK as a stand alone name but lots of shortened forms are best for children/people with whom you are on terms of affection and it's preferable for the person to have the option of the proper name as an adult.)

Angels my DD has different nickname to her name name. It just happened and was not contrived at all. Nice helpful post btw

I would refuse to call her Bella and start calling her Izzy . They shouldn't call her Bella anyway as their DD is IsaBELLE and not IsaBELLA. it's sounds to me that they know that they ABU by using the same name, hence the teeny tiny variation, using Isabelle Eve instead of Isabella Eva.

I don't think YABU. However, with the girls only being 4 months apart, it possible that they perhaps decided on the name before your DD was born and didn't want any other name.

I only say this because before I was pg with DD2 DH and I decided on our girls name and she was that name all the way through my pregnancy. I have a friend who was pg at the same time and gave birth 2 weeks before and by pure coincidence named her DD the same name! I did say to DH that maybe we should think of something else but he didn't like any other names as much and we had our hearts set on the names. I did ask my friend if she minded and she didn't. The girls have completely different nick names though and aren't family.

To all those saying records can't be confused - there is definitely scope for mix up if one of them wants in future.

BIL has a cousin lives same town similar DOB, same surname. Cousin has lots of runs ins with police unbeknown to anyone he has been giving BILS details. BIL was arrested for minor drunken thing. DH goes to police sation as his solicitor - no way police letting him go as there are numerous warrants out for his arrest. Luckily DH twigged and sorted for him - duty solicitor wouldn't have known about cousin Lee.

Not saying bella or Bella 2 will end up criminals but definitely scope for mischief if one wanted.

I also review GP notes as part of my job - frequently there are entries not relating to the patient perhaphs a sibling or another 'smith'.

Transatlantic - you'd be surprised just how many cock-ups can go on with the slightest provocation. I've always been called by my middle name, and Liverpool City Council once managed to send me two council tax bills - one to firstname middlename and one to middlename only. I phoned to enquire whether they really thought there were twins living in the same house with pretty much identical names.

Well,I think it was strange of her.

Although if her daughter was Isobel, maybe not so odd.

But tbh, I also think that it´s odd to choose a perfectly lovely name & insist on a particular nickname.

Mix ups are quite easy. DH has initials of A D and his brother is also A D. So, when they were living in the same house, most post would get confused, as it would come to Mr A D Surname. They also banked at the same bank, so often got each others post mixed up.

We did question naming our DD Evelyn as my name is Emma, but we have different middle names (though, now she's five, she insists on saying her middle name is the same as mine as she doesn't like hers!), and our post should be to Miss E and Mrs E to keep it fairly separate.

There are a lot of names that we discounted when having DD because they were too similar to family names, unless you are naming a child in memory of somebody, I try to steer clear iyswim. We quite liked Isabella when pg with DD, but DH's cousins daughter is Isobel, and though we would barely see them, it didn't seem right for the grandparents to have an Isabella and an Isobel. A friend was pg at the same time, and she named her DD Isobelle which made us more sure to use a different name.

Am pg at the moment, this time having a boy, and there are lots of names we like but we will not chose as they're too similar to other names in the family. I quite like Jacob, but my step brothers son is called Jake, which is too similar for my liking.

Given the volume of names out there, it isn't too difficult to chose something different.

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all the replies again :)

Well. Went to PILs for lunch, I wasn't sure if BIL had told SIL about conversation yesterday morning so everything carried on as normal for the first couple of hours, nothing was mentioned. We were all sitting in the garden when MIL (who was about to spontaneously combust at not have mentioned it) said to BIL & SIL "So, have we decided on a nice nick name for the beautiful little Isabelle?" BIL said nothing, SIL said "Yes, we're calling her Bella". MIL said "How on earth can you call her Bella? We can't possibly have two Bellas, the poor girls will be so confused" and went on to explain practical reasoning why it wouldn't be ideal. SIL pretty much ignored all the reasoning from MIL and simply said she likes the name Bella and so this is what baby will be called. MIL then says she will NOT be calling her Bella, she will call her Isabelle and that's that. She asked me if I "had a problem with it", as DH said we did (obviously refering to the conversation with BIL). I agreed that I felt it would have a negative impact on the girls and it was unfair to give them both the same name if only for practical reasons. She basically said that I should call my Isabella something different- even suggested Issy (!), as why should I get "my way" and since I'm the one with the problem, I should be the one to change. I explained that Bella had arrived first, we had chosen the nick name as it is a part of IsaBELLA, therefore I would not be changing it and said that maybe Belle would be a nicer and more obvious variant of Isabelle.

Of course this ruined the lovely day we were having and SIL promptly instructed BIL to leave with her, snatching DN2 out of my arms (I had been giving her her bottle) and taking poor DN with her who was happily playing away in the garden and who threw a tantrum when told she was leaving :( M DD1 was also getting upset and couldn't understand why DN1 was having to leave.
I was so upset when they left and felt terrible for ruining a lovely day at PILs but MIL is beside herself with anger. I really hate creating bad feeling :(
Not exactly sure where this leaves things since no agreement has been reached :(
Ruby

Apologies if this has already been said, not yet read all the thread, I'm shocked at your SIL and for what its worth I would definitely not allow anyone to use the names big Bella and little bella, your DD is Bella, they can call the other one what they want but not yours Big Bella.

Right will read the rest of the thread now

I don't think there is anything you can do except call both girls the same thing.
It's weird but only because we don't much do it in Britain. I knew a family from Chile and all five sisters were called Maria. Maria de la Luz, Maria Mercedes etc, but still basically Maria.

You can't make someone change their child's name. Look at your reaction to your SIL suggesting a new nickname for your dd. THat's how she feels, for whatever reason - and you will never be able to control her reasoning so I wouldn't even bother trying.

I would suggest that she isn't averse to a bit of conflict, ie perhaps one of those people who thrives on it? The flouncing is a dead giveaway. Let her get on with that and don't make it your business.

Sounds dreadful Ruby. Maybe when they go away and think about it they'll come round to reasoning but it sounds like it'll be a big step down and they won't want to change the name as it'll mean losing face. The BIL sounds a complete wimp. He knew it was too close to your DD's name and rather than stand up to his wife when they were deciding on names and tell her not to be ridiculous he backed down. The end result is an argument in the family. I don't see how anyone is going to come back from this. I think your SIL is nuts - very spoilt doing something like this and wanting her own way, expecting everyone to change for her. She shouldn't have done it in the first place and your BIL shouldn't have allowed her. Glad you've got the MIL on side. Maybe she can work on your BIL and explain how ridiculous it is. Imagine being your MIL and having to explain to her friends both grand daughters are called Bella. It's weird. I don't think I'd want to see them until it was sorted. You're not asking for much, just a change from Bella to Belle - her name is Isabelle and doesn't have Bella in it. Hope it doesn't taint your feelings towards the name.

You haven't created bad feeling. She is behaving unreasonably.
You may find that your BIL finds a suitable moment to point out the obvious to her and appeal to her more reasonable nature.
But if this doesn't happen, I think the point has been made and you will all have to live with the decision.
If I were you, I'd refer to your DN Isabelle, without shortening it. This, to young ones, sounds very different to Bella, and it might stick with the rest of the family.

You don't want your DN to grow up knowing that her name is a 'touchy' subject, so think you're all going to have to move on from this.
I can totally understand how you must be feeling, and I'm sure that I'd be raging. But there's nothing you can do about it other than sticking with your own DD's name and nickname and calling your DN by her given name. Your SIL can't argue that you're referring to her DD by anything other than an appropriate name, and you can justifiably argue that you are just trying to save the poor children any confusion.
Silly, stubborn woman.

I think that reaction was inevitable I'm afraid. If she's daft enough to use the same name in the first place she is never going to take kindly to being called on it. I suspect the only one with any hope of winning her round would be her own DH since it is his baby too. But then he didn't stop her in the first place...

Don't feel bad though. You didn't create the situation and you only responded honestly to being asked a question.

Imagine your MIL having to explain that she has 2 granddaughters named Bella, and then rolling her eyes and having a good laugh at SIL's expense.
If you don't like your SIl very much then it's gravy!
THe more fuss you kick up, the less fun you can have.

Dont feel badly. Just continue to call your DD Bella, and ask your MIL to continue with the same. Choose to call your DN Isabelle. Nobody can force you to shorten somebodies name... if they are so adamant that their DD should be referred to as Bella, they should have named her Bella, which they didn't, so you are perfectly entitled to call her Isabelle.

Wow I have read this entire thread starting last night and Iam amazed..

I was thinkng right up until I read OP's last post that if they changed the spelling to Isobel or Isabel then it wouldnt be so obvious but from the last post it is so clear that your SIL doesnt want to do that she probably wanted Isabella. Up until that post I was also thinking from BILS comment that she had always loved your dd's name that in a way it is flattery but after her comment about calling your dd for Izzy then honestly I cant see that at all

I honestly do not know what to suggest I smiled reading your Mil's comment honestly there isnt much you can do bar call your dn for Isabelle and not use Bella but that will be complex when they go with Bella and will insist on calling her so.

your SIL must have known that this confrontationw as coming and had preparred herself.

I am actually quite surprised by her attitude and agree with many others that Bella for Isabelle doesnt make sense.

YANBU at all but I think you are going to have to swallow this one so sorry

Your SIL is a complete loon.
If nothing else, at least she has been called on it. She probably won't change anything but at least the upset she has caused has been spelt out to her.

It does seem a bit odd to choose almost exactly the same name (including middle name and nickname!) but don't think it should be a huge problem. It used to be quite normal for lots of members of a family to have the same name, especially men (in my mum's family, all her male relatives seem to be called Bill or Billy, on my dad's side he's one of the few not to be a John - both his brother and dad were!). And people seemed to cope without offence or confusion.

wow. Some people are very strange

Your sil is behaving apallingly. Tbh I don't think either you or mil should reproach yourselves.

Telling dh about this He suggested you simply start humming

Im a believer by the monkeys every time you see her.. (I know passive agressive but hope at least it will make you smile [busmile] )