Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have said 'No' to a friend who assumed they could use my house for her kid's b'day party?

209 replies

summerpixie · 22/04/2011 08:44

I texted a friend asking how they were going to celebrate her DD's birthday. She replied with the list of events: Cinema, MacDonalds then .... round to mine to have a bit of a party to cut the cake.
Now, I know that text messages tend to be misconstrued but she did NOT put 'LOL' at the end of it. I told her my house is a mess and I wasn't having visitors round and to go to her in-laws who have a huge 100+ ft garden! She replied saying that she would have to ASK them and my house is always a mess! So, she didn't feel the need to ask me, not even related to her, but had to ask her in-laws?
She hasn't even invited my DS to the cinema either although he is a lot younger than her DD but she isn't taking her own DS either (same age as my DS).

The way I see it is that she's not even inviting us but want's to use our house to cater and accomodate for her afterparty. AIBU or is it just my hormones?

Today is the day and I checked the times of the film they are going to, should I go out elsewhere around the time it finishes as I think she is still assuming she can come round as she text my DH saying they would see us all on Friday. I am in no mood to deal with other people's kids during my Easter break.

OP posts:
Original poster
summerpixie · 22/04/2011 09:15

For DS's birthday we have a BBQ party every year. There is nothing to stop her from having the same thing at her in-laws. They are very reasonable and friendly. However, she doesn't ike her MIL for some reason or other (like most MIL-DIL relationships).

She didn't exactly ask for me to say 'No' to her. However, saying NO VISITORS surely consitutes a negative response?

She is not a close friend and we're not even related. She used to work at the same place that DH worked at. Her DS is 6 months younger than my DS and they play together every so often. She is taking 5 other children along with her DD.

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 22/04/2011 09:17

YANBU Phone her and tell her she can't use your house, then go out if necessary shortly before the film ends.

southmum · 22/04/2011 09:18

just phone her and tell her no, you have plans.

Its really not difficult

Lunabelly · 22/04/2011 09:37

YANBU...I myself would tell her to feck off. Bloody cheek.

Original poster
summerpixie · 22/04/2011 09:40

Well she didn't answer her phone and has no answerphone on it so I think I will go out. She never calls back a missed call anyway. I'm not going to do the chasing around to sort this as at the end of the day it's not my kid's b'day.

Thanks for your opinions. X

OP posts:
BanalChelping · 22/04/2011 09:42

What are you getting out of this "friendship"? I'm guessing bugger all.

I'd be packing my bucket and spade for a trip to the seaside today because she might turn up at lunchtime with her DS and ask you to look after him while she takes her daughter out.

ZacharyQuack · 22/04/2011 09:44

Just phone her and say "I think I've got the wrong end of the stick, you didn't mean that you were planning on coming here today, did you? Because we've got plans/are going out/are having a naked day/have visitors/don't want you to."

ZacharyQuack · 22/04/2011 09:45

Sorry, x-post. Yep, go out. Or stay home and don't let her in. (If you stay home, you can tell MN if she turns up, which is more entertaining for us)

StewieGriffinsMom · 22/04/2011 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
summerpixie · 22/04/2011 10:34

LOL ZacharyQuack. Unfortunately, DS is a big mouth and runs to the door when the doorbell goes so no hiding from visitors!
DH suggested we went to the cinema but watch a different film that started slightly later thus avoiding them.
I think I will just go out to tesco and spend some vouchers or maybe go to legoland as that will piss her off more as she got her DD an annual pass last year so WE could take her when we went.

OP posts:
Bumperlicioso · 22/04/2011 10:44

Marking my place as I want to see what your fruit loop friend does when you aren't there later!

Have you actually told her no? Did you dh reply to her text?

Twit · 22/04/2011 10:45

Legoland it is then. And out a note on the door saying 'gone to legoland'. Actually that might be a bit unwise if there are issues with breaking in etc. Just go.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 22/04/2011 10:49

I'm sorry, I may be missing the point but why have you not contacted her and said "You cannot bring the children to my house;. Do not attempt to do so because I will not let you in. You will have to make other arrangements."

You seem to be cross about it but not actually being clear with her. Some people you have to spell it out to them because they just don't get ums and ahs and excuses. You have to say NO. No, you cannot do that. No, you cannot come. No.

If you don't do that, and she comes, and you let her in, and you host these kids. You can't come back and moan about that or about her nerve, because you bent over and took it up the arse.

I'm not being mean or bitchy, or at least, that is not my motivation. But if you paint 'Welcome' across your back and lie down, people WILL wipe their feet on you and you can't complain about it. Be strong. Be assertive.

RevoltingPeasant · 22/04/2011 10:51

Wow her cheek is INCREDIBLE. I wouldn't even text her, just go out. She can learn the hard way.

RevoltingPeasant · 22/04/2011 10:51

Yeah but Hecate she already said 'No visitors'. Is that not clear enough???

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 22/04/2011 10:52

Tbf Hecate the OP has tried phoning her and got no answer.

YANBU send her a text and tell her you're going out.

HipHopOpotomus · 22/04/2011 10:52

Go out.
Or call her.
Or stay in but have the balls not to let them in if they turn up. It's a lovely day so if she does turn up just direct her to the nearest park and meet her there with a knife (for cake) and some napkins :)

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 22/04/2011 10:53

Clearly not, if she's still coming. It clearly has to be "Do not come to my house with these children because I will NOT let you in. You did not ask me, you told me, and that is unacceptable. I will not let you into my home. Do not cause embarrassment by trying. The door will not be opened to you."

Evidently, the woman feels that if she shows up, OP will let her in.

Trifle · 22/04/2011 10:54

Why would you even text someone about their birthday plans ? Your ds is not even the same age as her dd so unlikely to be invited anyway. Incredibly rude to me and sounds like you were expecting an invite.

Why would you make elaborate expensive plans to go out for the day 'just in case she comes round'.

Your behaviour is completely bizarre.

LynetteScavo · 22/04/2011 10:58

No, no, no she cannot mean she is bringing other peoples children to your house!???

Surely she means just her and her DC...surely!

I knew someone like this once. I de-friended her.

Twit · 22/04/2011 10:59

I think OP needs to go out because as Hecate has said she will let them in if they turn up and feel shit about doing so. But not enough to say no. That's why I agree she should just go out and ignore the phone if this aquaintance ('cos she's not a friend) texts or phones. Or leave the phone at home.
So take your DS out and have a lovely day. And next time just reply with a NO.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 22/04/2011 11:02

I would ask my friends about their plans for special days or events etc, Triffle.

What are you doing for your anniversary?
What are you doing for your birthday?
Where are you going on holiday?
etc etc

I was under the impression that was quite normal. Taking an interest in what your friends are doing on special days?

Certainly not as rude as deciding that you will use your friends house to entertain without so much as asking and then ignoring / pretending to not understand when they said "no visitors"

Although Lynette makes a very good point, she may well mean just her and her daughter.

Because coming to a mate's house on a birthday to share a bit of it with them is also normal.

TheMonster · 22/04/2011 11:02

I wonder if she will turn up with a load of kids in tow. Cheeky cow.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 22/04/2011 11:03

That's right, Twit. No is impossible to misunderstand / disregard if it is the only word spoken. It is crystal clear.

ButterpieandCheese · 22/04/2011 11:05

Do you have something "special" at your house? That is the only reason I can think of why I might hold my children's birthday party at a third parties house (of course i would ask first, and be very grateful if allowed) a swimming pool, or a massive garden with loads of outdoor toys, or maybe a lot of unusual animals? This is bizarre!