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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to thing that having child number 5 when living in a small 2 bed flat is unfair to all the children.

390 replies

byanymeans · 21/04/2011 11:32

I totally understand that it is in all honesty none of my business how many kids people choose to have, as long as the parents can provide from them. However I really do find it a bit hard to get my head around how one family of 4 kids 2 adults could fit into a 2 bed flat before but last week they came home with baby number 5. Shock

I just don't get how the parents feel this arrangement of 4 kids (oldest child is 13, some boy some girls) sharing a bed room is healthy. They must have no real play space or personal space. I just don't understand why you would want to bring another child into that? Sad

I feel so sorry for the new couple who live below to as the noise from so many feet run around must drive them mad. I don't think that any one has lasted more the 9 months in the flat bellow for years.

I just don't understand they see nothing wrong this having still more without moving it?s not fair on any of the kids.

OP posts:
lockets · 21/04/2011 21:09

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Laquitar · 21/04/2011 21:10

No, nobody said it was enviable or ideal. But it is not need to get on the other extreme about 'personal space', with own tv etc.
Do people really stop at 1 child because of the number of the bedrooms and the size of the living/dining?

RumourOfAHurricane · 21/04/2011 21:11

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2BoysTooLoud · 21/04/2011 21:18

Probably should have stopped at one if very rational/ practical Laquitar but pushed the boat out and had 2 despite 'perceived' lack of space/ money etc..

crashingwaves · 21/04/2011 21:18

Laquitar - for us, yes and no. Personally and it is just a personal thing, if we couldn't afford anything bigger than a 2 bed house then yes we'd stop at one child. realistically though, even if it meant letting our hypothetical 2 bed house out and renting a 3 bed there are ways round it.

However I think the inherant assumption there is do you let your finances dictate how many children you have and my answer is yes, I've always wanted three but with tuition fees being what they are I think it's more likely our next baby if we ever have one will be our last.

Hatesponge · 21/04/2011 21:20

OP, YANBU.

Whilst I don't think small children necessarily need their own rooms I do think that (certainly by the time they reach secondary school age) they need if not a room of their own , then at least some space of their own.

My mum grew up with 5 siblings (4 sisters, 1 brother) in a 3 bed flat. The dining room was used as my mum and one sister's room, 3 sisters had the biggest bedroom, nanna and grandad had the next and my uncle the boxroom. By the time they got to teens (5 of them were separated by 6 years, so v v close in age) the lack of space really became an issue, and they all fought constantly. My nanna used to hide sit in the living room and leave them to it....interestingly none of them subsequently had more than 3 children, and none of us (me and my cousins) ever shared bedrooms!

There's also an issue I think where you have big age gaps - someone I know has 4 children in a 3 bed house, and a gap of over 10 yrs between her 2 eldest and 2 youngest - which would be fine if they were all same sex, or 2 eldest were girls/2 youngest boys or vice versa - as it is 2 youngest are same sex as eldest, so 3 children (age range 5-18) are sharing a room....I feel v sorry for the eldest in that scenario.

StayFr0sty · 21/04/2011 21:22

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pointydog · 21/04/2011 21:22

Yes, some people so stop having children due to number of bedrooms, size of car needed, years of childcare needed, drop in salary due to mat leave, etc etc. Of course these thigns sometimes shape family size.

lockets · 21/04/2011 21:23

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expatinscotland · 21/04/2011 21:28

NormanT, we once rented a traditional tenement flat in Edinburgh that was two bedrooms and it was huge. The box room was enormous, even.

OMG, I loved that flat!

We had only DD1 then. Landlord sold it so we had to move on, but man, it was beautiful.

The kitchen was gigantic and had an old fireplace bricked up in which we had a fishtank, walk-in larder, space for a nice-sized table and four chairs.

I used to cook dinner with a glass of wine and the stereo on looking out on the communal yard and pinch myself.

FuppyGish · 21/04/2011 21:30

yanbu totally unfair on the dc.

NormanTebbit · 21/04/2011 21:41

Yes expat it's lovely at the moment although we hope to move to bigger place when girls move yo secondary as I need some personal space and a place to study Wink

Love the mumsnet construction of flat dwellers as feckless breeders Grin

Lots of people live in flats and raise healthy happy children - look at Paris, New York etc

Although 5 is a headache admittedly.

pinkytheshrinky · 21/04/2011 21:44

Well no it is not ideal is it - but really this is judgey pants by stealth no?

StayFr0sty · 21/04/2011 22:04

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jellybeans · 21/04/2011 22:07

I have 5 DC and a 3 bed house. luckily, the rooms are all big rooms. The 2 DDs share (both high school age) and twin DSs share. Toddler DS sleeps in our room and will do till age 3/4 probably or thereabouts before moving in with his brothers. We don't feel crowded and the kids love sharing most the time. The DDs even end up sleeping in the boys room on occasion! I am happy staying here and don't feel the need to move. I live in an affluent area so prices are through the roof for 4 bedrooms. Maybe we would have the loft done sometime though. So i don't feel it is unfair in all cases. Many cultures share much smaller spaces.

One of DDs friends (girl) shares a small room and bunkbed with her brother even though her mum has a room and then a spare room!! They are 15 & 18!!! So even if there is space, it is not always used in a fair way!!!

pointydog · 21/04/2011 22:08

It's just something to chat about. I don't think anyone is seriously concerned or anything.

crashingwaves · 21/04/2011 22:11

You see to me - a 3 bedroomed house, 5 children of different genders and boys in one room girls in the other would be okay, I wouldn't do it myself though but hey. It's having girls and boys in together which I think is a bit inappropriate myself.

TheBolter · 21/04/2011 22:13

Hmm have to say I think it would be a bit shit for the children. Especially when they are all big and oafish and hormonal one day. Think it's pretty irresponsible of the parents too.

lockets · 21/04/2011 22:13

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Xenia · 21/04/2011 22:15

Our 5 have benefited so much from there being so many, from having to learn to compromise, share rooms , manage relationships with so many others. These are skills for life and other people they can love forever. These are much mroe important things than how many babies per square feet you might have. In fact if you live in close quarters you hug and speak more rather than be isolated in separate rooms.

It's only inappropriate to put boys and girls together if you think there will be incest (whereas most of us aren't sexually attracted to our brothers) or if you have hangups about bodies in which case take the children to more nudist camps and get some therapy.

thisisyesterday · 21/04/2011 22:16

yabu

i know a family with 8 children (soon to be 9) in what is "officially" a 2 bed bungalow.

it works, they are very happy, the children are all very happy....

i really fail to see why it is anything to do with you op. Just because you can't understand how they can be happy doesn't mean they aren't.
Personally I can't understand how some people can be so narrow-minded and judgemental, but there you go

pointydog · 21/04/2011 22:17

I don't think anyone is judging you, lockets. I have no idea what size your house is, only that it has 3 bedrooms which is one more than the apparently small flat in the op.

lockets · 21/04/2011 22:18

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LaWeasel · 21/04/2011 22:22

lockets It's odd - a few days ago, I nearly posted a thread asking if it was be unreasonable to have four children in a 2 bed house.

It's hypothetical, I am only just PG with #2, and I assume most people really wouldn't be so fussy as to object to 2 toddlers sharing - but, in the next 8 years I want to have my next two very much wanted DC, and also save the deposit so we can buy a 3/4 bedroom house.

Since it would never be the plan that we would all be living in a 2 bed forever, and that while we did we would fit reasonably comfortably I don't see a problem. DH would rather we moved to a 3 bed, even though we would be wasting more money and it will be longer for us to be in a position to buy.

Seems more people would agree with him that I really imagined.

crashingwaves · 21/04/2011 22:23

Xenia - I was put in with my brother from an early age (I don't know why, our house had more than two bedrooms) - I found it uncomfortable, I also hated having to share a bath with him. I don't think I have hangups and there certainly wasn't incest - things can be inappropriate without a hint of either of these things and I think brothers and sisters sharing bedrooms is one of them. It doesn't mean I judge anybody, it just means I personally think it's not appropriate.