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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to apologise for having a positive birth experience?

138 replies

cookingbaby2 · 19/04/2011 14:54

I experienced a positive labour and birth with my first child and am due to give birth again in July. I attended an antenatal yoga class last night which focuses on positive birthing and it got me thinking again about how much people (mainly my NCT group) didn't seem to want to hear my positive birth story when I had my daughter. I felt like I almost had to apologise for the fact that my labour lasted eight hours compared to my friend's 56 hour one.

AIBU to feel pissed off that people don't realise how much effort I put into mentally preparing myself for labour (research, classes etc) and keeping completely active and positive throughout? When I see women lying flat out during labour on the likes of one born every minute I think neither wonder they are screaming their heads off. I think there is a lot to be said for remaining active and optimistic.

In a way I went from feeling totally empowered by my experience to feeling guilty. I don't want a bloody medal but would appreciate it if it wasn't passed off as me being 'lucky'.

For the record I am in no way criticising or judging women who have horrendous labours and births that are out of their control.

Hormone charged rant over!

OP posts:
RamekinSkywalker · 19/04/2011 14:57

yy you are wonderful aren't you.

i hope you are as lucky next time.

WassaAxolotlEgg · 19/04/2011 14:57

Tough.

You were, at least in large part, lucky.

For Triceratops' sake, stop blaming other women for suffering pain.

bubblecoral · 19/04/2011 14:57

YANBU, I felt the same when my births went well.

cory · 19/04/2011 14:58

Why do you have a need for other people to realise how much effort you have put into your births? What business is it of theirs, why would they be interested? And how on earth do you know that the people of your NCT group were lying flat and screaming?

cheekeymonkey · 19/04/2011 14:58

Good for you. Hope the second one is as positive for you. Some people only ever want to hear doom and gloom. Same people who spend loads of money going on holiday and then complain constantly that it isn't the same as at home Confused

dickcheeseandthecrackers · 19/04/2011 14:59

It was lucky though. Yes you had positive mental attitude but it wouldn't of helped you had you had any complications etc.

Here's your medal - Biscuit

YABU

WassaAxolotlEgg · 19/04/2011 14:59

PS: "For the record I am in no way criticising or judging women who have horrendous labours and births that are out of their control."

But you are. It's all, "they're screaming because they didn't do enough research to find out about standing up"

Northernlurker · 19/04/2011 15:00

Errrrrr - it doesn't matter how hard you work, you don't always get the birth you plan. You were lucky - lots of people are lucky too. Personally I had perfectly tolerable births. I have a friend who had a crash c-section - that's not because I worked harder at it than she did.
I suspect you may have been a tad smug about your birth tbh and that's why your group didn't want to hear all about it.

weedle · 19/04/2011 15:00

You don't need to apologise but every birth is different, all the yoga in the world isn't going to help you if things aren't straight forward.

Best of luck with your next birth. But believe me if the only way they can monitor the baby is with you lying flat on your back, I'll bet you'll be flat on your back!

worraliberty · 19/04/2011 15:00

You don't think you were lucky?

Come back after the next one's born and you may have a clearer idea.

There is a massive element of luck in whether or not you have a positive birthing experience.

You get to control your breathing but little else when it comes to your body and the baby coming out of it.

cory · 19/04/2011 15:00

To me, a sense of empowerment that can only survive if you can boast of it to others less fortunate doesn't seem very...err...empowering?

violethill · 19/04/2011 15:00

Yes YABU to apologise for it.

I have experienced the same thing occasionally, when other women don't seem to want to accept that you have given birth naturally and found it a positive thing - particularly with a first birth.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling empowered by your experience

RamekinSkywalker · 19/04/2011 15:01

midwives of course, with all their reading and research and experience never have complications do they?

SarkyLady · 19/04/2011 15:01

you really haven't got a fucking clue have you.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 19/04/2011 15:01

I think you can be made to feel you should apologise for having a good birth experience. It is probably because other people would have liked to have that opportunity and can't so they respond negatively to you. I think you are right to a degree that being well prepared and positive help but obviously some people do prepare but their birth ends up out of their control.

BarbieLovesKen · 19/04/2011 15:02

You are BU to be pissed off you arent being recognised for the effort you went into preparing - it almost suggests that those who didnt asked for their bad experiences.

It is down to luck IMO.

I really hope you have a positive experience this time round too but honestly, your post reeks of smugness and an air of superiority. I hope it doesnt bite you in the arse.

I had 2 positive experiences too (thankfully!!) and am hoping to have the same this time round (obviously). Completely and utterly down to luck for me - didnt plan or prepare any more than the next person - was just blessed.

BeeMyBaby · 19/04/2011 15:02

SIL went to losts of classes, made lots of effort in researching birth, and remained active throughout - 36 hour labour, lots of stitches followed by post birth infections

I made no effort, ate myself into a whale, lay on my back during labour - 5 and a half hour labour, no stitches, only G&A required

I believe preparation has virtually nothing to do with it, luck has alot.

olderandwider · 19/04/2011 15:03

Common sense says
well prepared mums (whatever that means) will probably on balance view their labour positively than women who didn't prepare (whatever that means). Lots of studies to show relaxation, visualisation etc can all help a labouring mother.

cory · 19/04/2011 15:03

The OP is not only saying she feels she should apologise for having had a positive birth experience: she also feels hard done by because other mums won't recognise that she deserved it by having done all the hard work she assumes they didn't do.

olderandwider · 19/04/2011 15:04

more positively

Lizcat · 19/04/2011 15:04

I mentally prepared myself and went to classes, I have delivered over 1000 lambs and over 300 calves not to mentions the puppies and kittens so I thought I had a pretty good idea. I stayed active and positive for the first 24 hours. What I hadn't bargained on was a stubborn mis-presented small baby.
I have re-evaluated all my experience and yes it largely comes down to luck. You can do everything right and have an awful labour, equally you can do everything wrong and just pop a baby out.
Talking about an awful labour does help an awful lot though, says someone who didn't talk about it for 3 years and then came to accept that this was not good for her soul.

dreamingbohemian · 19/04/2011 15:04

If a friend of mine told me about her very positive birth experience, I would be happy for her.

If she told me about her positive birth experience, and how it was all because she prepared so well for it and was so bloody positive and optimistic during labour, not like those sad ladies who lie on their backs and deserve the pain they get....

Do you see the difference?

SarkyLady · 19/04/2011 15:06

Can you really not think of a sinlge reason that a woman who has just gone through a traumatic birth might not be so interested at that point in time in hearing about your positive eperience?

Really?

millie30 · 19/04/2011 15:06

All the preparation in the world won't help if you suffer from complications. I also researched, attended classes etc but I developed complications due to gestational diabetes which meant my plans for a natural birth in a pool at the midwife led unit had to be cancelled. Instead I had to have an early induction hooked up to drips, insulin etc and forced to lie pretty much flat on my back, at the general hospital in case the induction didn't work and I needed an emergency CS.

Funnily enough, afterwards all I cared about was that I had a healthy baby, and was full of admiration for all other mothers, regardless of the details of their labour. Get over yourself.

goodegg · 19/04/2011 15:06

YABU - totally luck.

Be happy that you had an easy birth but don't judge women who had difficult births - preparation accounts for about 10% of how a birth goes.