to apologise for having a positive birth experience?

[cookingbaby2]

I experienced a positive labour and birth with my first child and am due to give birth again in July. I attended an antenatal yoga class last night which focuses on positive birthing and it got me thinking again about how much people (mainly my NCT group) didn't seem to want to hear my positive birth story when I had my daughter. I felt like I almost had to apologise for the fact that my labour lasted eight hours compared to my friend's 56 hour one.

AIBU to feel pissed off that people don't realise how much effort I put into mentally preparing myself for labour (research, classes etc) and keeping completely active and positive throughout? When I see women lying flat out during labour on the likes of one born every minute I think neither wonder they are screaming their heads off. I think there is a lot to be said for remaining active and optimistic.

In a way I went from feeling totally empowered by my experience to feeling guilty. I don't want a bloody medal but would appreciate it if it wasn't passed off as me being 'lucky'.

For the record I am in no way criticising or judging women who have horrendous labours and births that are out of their control.

Hormone charged rant over!

I don't think you should be apologetic about having a positive birth. However, you have to watch your tone which sounds rather like "Well, if you had only put in the effort and prepared for your birth as I did you wouldn't have had such a bad experience..." It is easy to come across as smug and it could be that to which people are reacting negatively. It certainly is a good idea to be as prepared as possible for birth, be as healthy and fit as possible and it doesn't hurt to do yoga/learn breathing exercises - unless there are physical reasons for not doing so. But it doesn't mean that the baby will pop out like a greased grape, everyone is made differently and humans in general are not as well set up as four-legged creatures for giving birth so it's no wonder a lot of us struggle with it.

I was also very lucky and had two six hour labours BTW, first wth epidural, second managed with gas & air and breathing exercises (though definitely asked for pethidine at some point) - what helped vastly with second time round was I knew what to expect and that it wasn't likely to take long -though breathing through the pain instead of fighting it was definitely better. But I put it down to how I'm made more than anything. Inverted cervix as well BTW if anyone is worried about that.

Absolutely LTJ - you just weren't 'optimistic' enough!

FingandJeffing

I entirely agree. Makes me wonder what the OP mean by "research".

YANBU to think that people shouldn't rubbish your positive birth experience.
YABU to think that anything you did influenced your birth experience being positive.

YANBU, I could have written your post. I do think preparing and being active in labour helps a lot. It won't help everyone, everytime but I've experienced the same feelings of guilt because some people I know had very long or difficult labours or had a lot of pain relief or intervention.

I had GD and other complications with induction booked etc but DD came naturally at 39 weeks with a 3 hr labour. I know my preparation mentally and physically made a big difference.

I did yoga and perennial massage and prepared my self as much as I could, no tears all very straight forward but it was far from lovely. I gave birth standing up and it was fucking agony(surprise surprise).

YANBU to be happy that your birthing was straight forward and a good as it could be but...

YABU to insinuate that those who have a tough time do so because there not prepared for it.

"No amount of research or being prepared can prevent some of the complications that arise in many births each day up and down the country."

This is exactly what I wanted to say but didnt put it quite so well...

We all love a good labour story - the longer and more painful the better. I'm not suprised no-one wants to hear how great your experience was. My mum always comes with me when I give birth and 3 times now I and the midwives have had to put up with her stories of how she gave birth to me and DB in about 3 minutes with no pain relief whatsoever.....

OP nobody but your mum and your very best friend will want to hear about how clever you were at having such a perfect birth.

Other people may want to learn from your experiences, but you may need to moderate your 'clever me' attitude a bit by perhaps suggesting what didn't work for you?

Wow happycamel - your research was so impressive you discovered the secret that has alluded medicine for centuries and you know what triggers labour? Not only what triggers it but what shortens it too? Please do share!

On the whole though, the OP is right. You aren't allowed to say how easy/good/positive some things are in case you offend/guit trip/annoy those who had less luck.

But you were lucky, you were lucky because you were in a position to do all of the classes, a position to pay for some of them, had good mws and a short labour. But most of all, the luck comes with the good mws, they make all the difference.

My mw barely looked at me, never mind spoke to me, told me I was making a fuss when I asked for pain relief without bothering to look to see that I was actually well on the way, took my baby away from me for 20 minutes after birth and refused to answer any questions as to why and when I asked if I could feed DD she took my breast in her hand, shoved it into dd's mouth and when dd, not surprisingly, backed off, told me not to bother trying if I wasn't going to make the effort

So a big pat on the back for you and the dunce's hat for me. Now don't you feel just grand?

I don't give two tosses what your birth experience was like, but don't dare to tell me that my shit experience was because of me not putting enough effort in. If that's the attitude you take then no wonder you piss people off.

No Soupy, no one minds you saying you had a good labour. That's great, I'm happy for them. It's when you try to blame others for their own bad experience that you start to wind people up.

I dont think i could have been prepared better mentally. At 36 weeks I was told there was a problem, was taken to screening and told that i would be taken for a sweep if he didnt come by that time next week. I was in shock after the screen and told there was a cord prolapse likelihood. Imagine my shock when my aters broke the next day, with a huge gush. PMA out the window. Wasnt even packed. I hadnt even stopped work yet.

Northernlurker, I had hypnotherapy before having DS2. The sessions were written to include him arriving 2 weeks early and lighter/smaller than his 10lb brother. He arrived 2 weeks early, 2lbs lighter and 2cm smaller round the head. Luck or something else? WHo knows.

The screen was wrong btw and he was ok and able bodied.

Soupdragon - did his brother also arrive two weeks early? Because if not there's the answer to the weight issue.

I think you were lucky and YABU.

My sister was the most prepared pregnant woman ever. Lots of exercise, perfect diet, positive attitude etc., loads of research on birthing positions, very informed. She ended up with a long arduous labour ending in a c-section as labour was not progressing and baby was in distress.

I, on the other hand, had hyperemesis. I barely moved off the sofa for 9 months. I ate what I could manage to keep down(mostly junk) and whinged and moaned though the entire pregnancy. I was so focused on not feeling crap any more that I didn't give the labour a thought. I had no birth plan, missed all but one of my antenatal classes and was clueless about interventions etc.

I gave birth to dd lying on my back, screaming my head off, but popped her out in a few pushes following a 4 hour labour with no pain relief. I think I am the luckiest woman in the world and feel nothing but sympathy for those who had difficult labours.

I never had any problems with listening to positive birth stories, am always prepared to be happy for other people.

But have always been wary of anyone who seems to suggest that their positive experience, whether of birth, of breastfeeding, of parenting, of the terrible twos, of their child's academic success etc etc is entirely due to their own wonderful attitude. Comes of being part of a large extended family- have seen to many wonderful attitudes coming a cropper, and others succeeding where everybody was tutting and shaking their heads.

Funny how we have had no more input from the OP

It is true that those methods might help slightly to stop as much tearing and ease pain slightly but it does not necessarily make for a lovely bubbly birth and is not going to help with any complications.

Huh. Reminds me of my workmate (male) who told me that if I think positively I won't miscarry...

I used to think a bit like the OP.
Which meant I took it really hard when ds got stuck and had to be yanked out with the salad tongs.

I genuinely had no idea that this was not my fault until I chanced apon a MF textbook in a friend's downstairs toilet.

Yes, Northernlurker, I am well aware that him being 2 weeks early resulted him being lighter. I am not stupid. The point I was making was did he arrive 2 weeks early just because he did or because of the hypnotherapy/positive thinking? None of my others were early.

I started reading your OP with some sympathy. I had the easiest birth possible. 10 minutes of active labour. 45 mins from contractions first beginning painlessly to baby arriving in 2 pushes. No drugs, no gas and air. Able to converse normally with midwife while baby crowning. My NCT group actively crowded me out of conversations about our birth experiences and finished up making me feel totally out of things, as though I had somehow cheated and they had done things properly.

However, if the tone of your real-life conversations are similar to the tone of your post, then I have no sympathy. Despite my positive experience, I am under absolutely no illusions that everyone could do it if they just prepared properly. I was lucky. Very, very lucky. I was prepared, granted, and feeling positive about it, but no amount of preparation can make a baby come quickly and easily which is what happened. You clearly do think you did better than some of these other women you talk about - that may well have come across in your conversations about this.