to apologise for having a positive birth experience?

[cookingbaby2]

I experienced a positive labour and birth with my first child and am due to give birth again in July. I attended an antenatal yoga class last night which focuses on positive birthing and it got me thinking again about how much people (mainly my NCT group) didn't seem to want to hear my positive birth story when I had my daughter. I felt like I almost had to apologise for the fact that my labour lasted eight hours compared to my friend's 56 hour one.

AIBU to feel pissed off that people don't realise how much effort I put into mentally preparing myself for labour (research, classes etc) and keeping completely active and positive throughout? When I see women lying flat out during labour on the likes of one born every minute I think neither wonder they are screaming their heads off. I think there is a lot to be said for remaining active and optimistic.

In a way I went from feeling totally empowered by my experience to feeling guilty. I don't want a bloody medal but would appreciate it if it wasn't passed off as me being 'lucky'.

For the record I am in no way criticising or judging women who have horrendous labours and births that are out of their control.

Hormone charged rant over!

"No Soupy, no one minds you saying you had a good labour."

[shrug] I've seen it on here.

I had a great labour and birth. My waters broke, was put on cyntocin drip straight away, 8 hours, 3 pushes (10 mins) later my beautiful ds arrived and I had no tears.
That's despite being pretty much chained to the bed due to IV anti biotics and a drip.

FluffyDonkey what a wanker!

Sorry - meant to add. You also need to consider the purpose of conversations about birth experiences. If you have a bad experience it is probably therapeutic to talk and share others' experiences. In that sort fo conversation, "well mine was great" probably has no place and it would be sensitive just to shut up and feel thankful.

There are plenty of opportunities to share positive experiences without seeming smug, or making someone feel worse about their own birth. Not every story has a place in every conversation.

A large part of your birth experience really was down to luck - sorry.

If you genuinely think positive mental thinking and antenatal classes were the reason you had a good birth then you are either a complete sucker and are buying into the shit NCT and the like peddle to expectant mothers or you are quite ignorant.

A lot of it is down to good midwives and genetics.

You are being massively unreasonable to imply that bad birthing experiences are down to little preparation. I did loads of 'preparation' which made shit all difference to the crash c section I had to have, the resulting haemorraging, massive blood loss, tearing and long hospital stay.

A lot of woman who are lying on the bed screaming are not there through choice. Perhaps they are being continually monitored and can't move, or perhaps their midwife won't LET them move around.

Remaining active and positive may well help with birthing but is certainly not the only reason you had easy births.

And get over feeling guilty. You shouldn't have to feel guilty. Just thank your lucky stars you had good birth experiences but maybe don't go around making out it's because you are so marvellous and put the 'effort and research' in. It really really doesn't work like that!

My hormone fuelled rant is now over!

and fluffy funnily enough, the baby I miscarried would have being the pregnancy which I was most positive with. I moaned/ bitched and whinged through the others and had a lot of personal/ work stress at the time - 2 (hopefully 3) perfect babies and pretty good births.

Jeez...some women are horrendous.

OP, you are not being unreasonable.

But you may want to share your +ve births with your friends and families, not complete strangers who will burn you at the stakes for being 'lucky'.

Good luck with your next delivery.

Soupdragon - sorry for the misunderstanding but I read your post as suggesting you felt your hypnotherapy might have helped with baby's weight as well as gestation. I think it's certainly the case that women don't go into labour in situations that are actively dangerous/ highly stressful - though that isn't universal or nobody would ever give birth in a war zone. More than that though I don't think there is anything you can do to influence your body except by actual interventions.

cory Tue 19-Apr-11 15:31:56
But have always been wary of anyone who seems to suggest that their positive experience, whether of birth, of breastfeeding, of parenting, of the terrible twos, of their child's academic success etc etc is entirely due to their own wonderful attitude.

Agreed. I tend to think more in terms of positive experiences in parenting occurring DESPITE of my attitude which is sometimes far from wonderful. Hard to maintain a postive mental attitude while screaming "no No NO! Do not jump off that 5 foot wall. How did you get up there in the first place?"

I used to think I was earth mother extraordinaire - easy birth, easy baby (BFing aside), sleeping through the night from 6 weeks. Then he started to move and all my illusions were shattered.

OP you were lucky. And are being smug.

I speak as someone who put in lots of research and mental preparation and had a hideously long and painful birth, despite being active and optimistic a short but fucking painful birth where I was on all fours screaming my head off, followed by a short and completely pain free one.

Luck has an awful lot to do with it.

it's mainly down to luck.

Your lack of ability to realise that, combined with your judgemental attitude to those who have less good luck, would make you the last person I would wish to sit near in an NCT group.

This is hilarious, I haven't read many OPs on MN which have been as naive as this one.

Of course you should not apologise for your own positive experience of giving birth and I sincerely hope that your second will be equally as positive.

But if you had really done your 'research' into the birth experience then you will realise the multitude of experiences possible for each woman and the fact that the amount of mental preparation committed by the expectant mother does not always correlate with the 'positiveness' of the birth itself - if only it were that easy then the country would be full of mothers reading up like mad!

Believe me nobody read as many books pre-birth as me, classes, the lot. But an induction and transverse position cancelled most of that out.

Childbirth is a very emotive subject and you shouldnt underestimate the trauma someone can feel if it goes wrong. I think having a good birth is mainly luck so if you were telling them that if they had done it like you then they would have had a good experience then YABU to think they wouldn't want to throttle you! However if you were just sharing your experience then YANBU and shouldn't feel like you should have to apologise and am surprised the nct didn't want to highlight a positive birth story more.

My birth experience was ok btw

[shrug] I've seen it on here.

Well I thought the OP was referring to the outside world...there is still one, isn't there?

I don't think you should have to apologise for a positive birth experience, but your tone is rather patronising.

You don't actually have to be active to have a positive experience you know.

My birth experience was great - perfectly natural 1.5 cm - birth in a little under 7 hours, gas and air the only pain relief and I was completely flat on my back the entire time!

To be fair, it was because the G&A knocked me out - but being flat on my back certainly didn't hold matters up or make it more painful. In fact, things went a lot quicker than when I was 'active', using a TENs machine and applying meditation / hypno birthing techniques as it had taken me 8.5 hours from noticing the first contraction to getting on the G&A at 1.5cm.

While I think that a positive mental attitude and fear control are essential for a good birth, I am under no illusion that having them will automatically lead to a good birth, there are far too many other factors - and yes, it does largely come down to luck. I know I was damn lucky that the G&A had the effect that it did.

The most sensible thing I read on MN about birth was that it is like poker. You can read all the books you like, do all the preparation, do all the research. But when it comes down to the crunch you have to play the hand you've been dealt. All the preparation can help you make any decisions that need to be made, but if you get a crappy hand there isn't much you can do.

FWIW, I was much more scared the second time round, even though everything went well with DC1. I knew what to expect. Sometimes ignorance and blind optimism is bliss! With DC3, I'm sort of resigned to it. Whatever is meant to happen, will.

You don't have to apologise, but I can't agree with positivity making any difference. I was positive and the hospital staff remarked how relaxed I was, yet I still had to have a crash c-section.

It's mostly to do with luck, attitude doesn't really mean you can control what's going to happen, IMO.

Hope all goes well with the birth of your DC2.

OP, I know this sounds horrible, but your thread is one of the most annoying and offensive things I have ever read on MN. It also displays breathtaking ignorance. If you had reserached births as much as you say, you would know that no two births/babies/women/pregnancies are the same.

I prepared, I went to classes, I read up on it, I was positive. 26 hours of labour later, I had an EMCS and an 11lb baby. Would you like to tell me where I went wrong? Was there a book I forgot to read?

My children are 9 and 6 now and nobody (not even me) really gives a toss about my birth experience.

Get a hobby.

I like that, camdancer, it's right - you have to play the hand you're dealt

op you were lucky. you were also well informed and well read but that wouldn't have stopped you having a 56 hour labour you know! just maybe helped deal with it. or maybe not. I'm not sure how anyone would feel by the end of 56 hours of labour other than exhausted.

Wrong audience OP. I'd have liked to hear a positive birth story before first time giving birth - everyone came out with their horror stories so would have been a nice balance.

I've never had a labour longer than 5 hours and all three births have been straight forward. I did do things to supposedly help - active and fit pregnancy and kept my weight down, active during start of labour, sat on birthing balls and got down cleaning on hands and knees to help get DC in correct position, researched birth positions though MW not always keen to let me use them and massaged perineum though still tore.

Not sure any of it helped. I thinks labour times had more to do with large babies, luck to avoid abnormal placenta and harder baby positions and a very good MW care.

I second NestaFiesta

I too read up, went to NCT and NHS antenatal classes, did yoga and aquanatal, remained active during labour and maintained a positive attitude>

I ended up with a 3rd/borderline 4th degree tear. My DDs head was off the centile chart, and she also came out with her hand beside her face.

Where, oh where, did I go wrong smug OP? You WERE lucky. And I'm pleased for you. I wouldn't wish my labour experience on anybody.

I am due to give birth again in 2 weeks.

I did all that shite too and, you know what, I was in so much pain I couldn't remember any of it.

I once had someone smugly go on about his wifes home home birth and how hospitals aren't needed if mum keeps fit and healthy enough.

He basically said if you aren't fit and healthy and something goes wrong in labour it is your own fault.

I was on my way to visit my new neice at the time who had been saved by an emergency c section 3 days earlier

So as long as you don't go about it in that way op, tell whoever you want to