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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to apologise for having a positive birth experience?

138 replies

cookingbaby2 · 19/04/2011 14:54

I experienced a positive labour and birth with my first child and am due to give birth again in July. I attended an antenatal yoga class last night which focuses on positive birthing and it got me thinking again about how much people (mainly my NCT group) didn't seem to want to hear my positive birth story when I had my daughter. I felt like I almost had to apologise for the fact that my labour lasted eight hours compared to my friend's 56 hour one.

AIBU to feel pissed off that people don't realise how much effort I put into mentally preparing myself for labour (research, classes etc) and keeping completely active and positive throughout? When I see women lying flat out during labour on the likes of one born every minute I think neither wonder they are screaming their heads off. I think there is a lot to be said for remaining active and optimistic.

In a way I went from feeling totally empowered by my experience to feeling guilty. I don't want a bloody medal but would appreciate it if it wasn't passed off as me being 'lucky'.

For the record I am in no way criticising or judging women who have horrendous labours and births that are out of their control.

Hormone charged rant over!

OP posts:
Insomnia11 · 19/04/2011 16:49

I remained cheerful and positive with DD1- until the real contractions kicked in and I thought there was a boulder in my back passage grinding on my spine and I went straight to epidural, do not pass go.

Second time around I knew it was more likely a baby than a boulder so that helped. :)

NinkyNonker · 19/04/2011 16:55

I was totally prepared, and had a great labour. To 8 cms with no gas and air, just bobbing around in the pool. Mw amazed etc. Then dd shifted, ended up brow presentation and everything stopped. Still ok, eventually forceps got her out in 2 tugs. So I feel lucky, but if anyone started bleating on about how proper preparation would have changed things I'd have clipped them round the ear with my natal hypnotherapy course cds, then robbed Ina May et al at them.

CowgirlHerdingCats · 19/04/2011 16:56

How would a positive attitude help?

I mean I wasn't particularly positive ever - grimly determined at times possibly.

I was down right scared during third when MWs had not arrived, they were playing silly buggers and labour was very rapid. DH was only other adult and was going to pieces. DH was being all positive insisting MW would do a half decent job and at lest get to us - we could never fault MW with first two births they would never have behaved so unprofessionally.

It was matter of survival getting him and me calmed down to deal with the situation - fuck all to do with positive thinking.

NinkyNonker · 19/04/2011 16:57

Sorry, lobbed, not robbed.

CowgirlHerdingCats · 19/04/2011 17:00

Sorry so long posting it looks odd. I hadn't paid attention to the positive part of the OP when did first post.

Did do the active - no idea if it helped but the optimistic and positive - rubbish.

MollysChambers · 19/04/2011 17:08

Eight hours?

Gosh one of mine was only three hours. Does that mean I'm much more brilliant at giving birth than you? Hmm

Well I can't be because the other two were bloody awful.

Get over yourself. You were lucky. I suspect the positioning of the baby had way more to with your experience than your pma.

Shoesytwoesy · 19/04/2011 17:11

yanbu to be pleased you had a positive birth experience........
but I doubt very much if someone who hasn't would want to hear about it.
imo it is all down to luck

sofaqueenie · 19/04/2011 17:13

YANBU

I had my first DS (14 months) back in Feb 2010 and it was really positive - I actually enjoyed it in a weird way!

All my friends weren't so lucky unfortunately, but I refrain from sharing mine and listen to their 'bad' experiences simply because they just don't wanna hear it!

It certainly has made it easier to talk about having another.

porcamiseria · 19/04/2011 17:20

whats the issue exactly? that people dont want to hear about your birth?

do you think that you did something to get this birth?

sigh

Onetoomanycornettos · 19/04/2011 17:23

YABU, you can't stand up for 56 hours for a start!!!!! After two days, I kind of had to lie down...

VivaLeBeaver · 19/04/2011 17:23

As a midwife I don't think I could be any better "researched". Still had an OP baby that wouldn't budge and had a shit heartrate from the beginning. Crap contractions that my limited (on a ctg) mobilisation wouldn't improve. Couldn't have synto due to shit ctg, 2x FBS later I had a crash section. I couldn't have been more positive or prepared.

TurtlesAreRetroRight · 19/04/2011 17:31

Oh good Lord. What an insensitive, ill-thought out op.

I'm pleased for anybody having a birth experience they're positive about.

If you expect me to accept that the way my or anybody else's fucking traumatic, life-altering, damaging, PTSD-inducing labour went was at all related to not being in the downward dog position for sufficient time antenatally, you can go and piss up a wall.

peanutdream · 19/04/2011 17:32

I think the thing is OP that you weren't UNLUCKY.

Plenty of people opt for an active birth but end up with complications that are nothing to do with how much yoga they did or how active they were.

I agree that OBEM has too many people on their backs, and perhaps too many people in real life labour on their backs - I have no idea Confused.

YANBU to want your story to be heard as much as the next person.
I hope your next baby is as co-operative and it all goes as well as it did the first time.

RamekinSkywalker · 19/04/2011 18:02

Maybe the OP has changed her mind Grin

jeckadeck · 19/04/2011 19:00

I'm sorry to say this but this sounds like stealth smugness and if there is negativity heading your way you probably have it coming. You had a positive birth, good for you. But given that so many women have an absolute bloody nightmare, it behooves you to show a bit of humility and charity to them. If, as I suspect, you are going around telling people that with a little positive thinking they too can have a good experience, then you are going to get their backs up. You do rather imply that its all down to your having done everything right when in fact the vast majority of it is luck.

Journey · 19/04/2011 19:12

So if we remain active and optimistic we'll have a great birth experience will we. What planet is the op from?

The op is smug because it is so obvious she only wants to tell people her birth experience to get admiration.

cunexttuesonline · 19/04/2011 19:18

It's partly down to luck, as there are unforeseen circumstances that standing up and having a positive attitude won't help. But I agree, that if everything is ok with the baby/labour then a negative attitude and lying down won't help things along as much as being upright and relaxing about it will.

FWIW (not a lot), I had a straight forward first birth, arriving at midwife unit fully dilated.... without research or classes. Where is my medal? ;)

deedee321 · 19/04/2011 19:19

What a deeply irritating OP. Having had one lucky and one unlucky birth (in that order) with similar mental attitudes each time (scared but stoic!) I think your argument is offensive and flawed.

Why would you wish newly traumatised women to be clapping their hands at your 'successful' birth story? Usually the need to rehash the birth experience again and again with others is everything to do with coming to terms with it and less to do with self-congratulation.

Nothing wrong with personal joy your birth went well. A lot wrong with feeling aggrieved that other women who were less lucky (yes, LUCKY) don't want it rubbed in their faces at their most vulnerable time.

You can't say you earned a good birth without inferring that those of us with distressing experiences somehow earned those too....grrrrr.

littleblackdog · 19/04/2011 19:27

Wish I could just 'not care' any more about my birth experience. @crackfox
Still struggling, every day. And I'm really happy for others who had better ones than me, and healthy babies at the end of it. But a little sensitivity to others goes a looooonnng way OP. Sad

microfight · 19/04/2011 19:29

I did tons of research had positive mental attitude had a planned c section and wanted to share my positive experience with you Grin

deedee321 · 19/04/2011 19:33

Love it, microfight Grin!!
littleblackdog :(. Hope it gets easier with time. I found talking about it (definitely not with the OP!!) did help.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 19/04/2011 19:38

Having one birth doesn't make you an expert. You were lucky. I hope for you and your family you are as lucky next time.

MrBloomEatsVeggies · 19/04/2011 19:39

You wouldn't feel guilty about it if you didn't tell people about it. It's great to have an 'empowering' birth experience, it's even better to keep it to yourself.

If people ask how it went it's usually best to say 'Well it was labour, do I need to say more?'

Most people genuinely don't want to hear about fab labour's, because for most people, for whatever reason, it hurts quite a lot.

Having said all that, I hope your second labour goes just as well, it's great when it does.

SpringFollows · 19/04/2011 19:48

I had a pretty dreadful labour and birth. I did all the hypno cds, did hypno courses, ate raw foods throughout my pregnancy for strenght, did meditation blah blah.

And both of us nearly died. DS got stuck. i had a 26 hour labour (from waters breaking, which in my case meant contractions immediately came hard and fast- although the notes said it was just 12 hours as that was when we arrived at hospital... we kept calling they kept saying 'too soon'). I lost 2.2 litres of blood. Had a transfusion. DS dragged out. 3rd degree tears.

I wish I had had a good and empowering experience. I envy those who do, but it was not through lack of preparation that i did not, it was just the luck of the draw.

It has been a fair while since my labour but i still have nightmares, and have not managed to - ahem reacquaint - with DH yet.

So, don't be too smug OP. Just thank your lucky stars- because you have been lucky.

noodle69 · 19/04/2011 19:51

I didnt go to any classes, never was in the nct, didnt even go to the free nhs one as I didnt bother. My birth plan was 'turn up give birth'. I didnt do any further reading or planning and my birth was totally fine, quick and it wasnt at all difficult.

Its just luck I think nothing to do with planning.