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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about OH looking at porn??

342 replies

flamingoagogo · 18/04/2011 17:21

Caught him out the other night, its not the first time either. Have been v.pissed off each time & always results in a row, but just so happens i am PG atm so feels worse. I hate the thought of it, like he's cheating (i know its not as bad as that but he is kind of 'being intimate' with another woman, even if shes not really real). Makes me feel inadequate etc etc. AIBU to feel so hurt?

OP posts:
sethstarkaddersmackerel · 18/04/2011 22:12

Thank you Toddlerwrangler.
I don't have a clear answer to be honest - I haven't looked into this in enough detail, there are other people on here who know more about the possibilities for regulation than I do.
All I am clear about is that as things stand it is an individual moral issue and many people aren't really aware of the reality (as I wasn't until I read things I wish I hadn't read IYSWIM.)

toddlerwrangler · 18/04/2011 22:19

Thanks Seth. For what it is worth, I do not want 20 men ejaculating into a woman's (or man's!) face is viewed as 'standard' porn, or 'standard' sex. Extreme pornography, in my book, can't be good for anyone.

However, then we get to the very tricky are of where to draw the line. And there I really do not have any answers.

PeterSpanswick · 18/04/2011 22:23

Alcoholics are happy in a pub, surrounded by other alcoholics all validating their choices. World of Warcraft fanatics (just v stereotyped examples) are happy online where amongst all their comrades where they can feel accepted. A woman in the midst of the porn industry surrounded by directors and porn stars all set on validating and normalising their way of life is not going to feel that she is making a huge mistake. But when she visits her parents, picks her children up from school and has to face reality, is she proud of her choices? Whenever I have seen interviews etc with porn actresses I get the feeling that they are playing up to the cameras as they are obviously used to doing, heavily on the defensive exaggerating how much they enjoy their "happy hooker" lifestyle. Take them out of their pond and they'd blatantly suffocate.

chicaguapa · 18/04/2011 22:31

Englebert I didn't realise this comparison has been made before. I don't drink so chocolate is the only thing I wouldn't want or be able to give up. I'm not suggesting it's the same for every woman. My point is just that I wouldn't like to be told I had to give up something I wanted, even if I felt DH had a valid reason for asking me to, and it wouldn't work. Not that getting fat is a valid reason, so maybe a bad analogy. Hmm

toddler I guess the line would be drawn by only accepting what you would be happy with doing yourself/ your DW doing.

michelle2011 · 19/04/2011 08:34

theres a lot of talk here about these porn stars and how they must really feel about themselves, their job etc. how the hell do you know?? just because you feel their job is repulsive and demeaning doesnt mean they do, have you ever personally spoken to one of them?

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 19/04/2011 08:41

read what they write, listen to them speak once they have left the business and are able to speak freely.

and yes, there is plenty of stuff out there, because quite a few ex-porn actresses are involved in campaigning against the abuses of the industry.

FabbyChic · 19/04/2011 08:46

I know someone who worked in the porn industry, she did so because it was easy money and sex to her means nothing, she earnt/earns a forture up to 25k a film in cash (no tax). She was in no way exploited in fact she saw it as exploiting men thinking how sad they were going to pay to buy the DVD. Up to £12k for one scene is a lot of money.

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 19/04/2011 08:56

it works for some.
doesn't mean it's all rosy though, unfortunately.

michelle2011 · 19/04/2011 09:00

FabbyChic exactly!! i think its demeaning to lump all of these women under the category of exploited they are grown women, they have brains and they are making choices for themselves their choice

Olifin · 19/04/2011 09:14

michelle, Sadly, we have no way of knowing how many women in the industry are like Fabbychic's friend. Some, obviously.

However, I think there's a fair bit of evidence that a lot of porn participants, both male and female, were victims of sexual abuse as children. That leaves me with a very uneasy feeling as I don't think I could accept that they are freely consenting as liberated, informed, empowered people. Could you? If you knew a porn participant had been sexually abused as a child would you still think 'good for them, being so empowered in their career'? Hmm

PlopPlopPing · 19/04/2011 09:16

Fabby That's a lot of money. How does she feel about it now she is no longer in the business?

A lot of people say that it is demeaning to women etc but it is only demeaning if they feel it is. It's not demeaning just because other people view it to be.

MsToni · 19/04/2011 09:19

YANBU

But its a male thing and if you "censor" him, he'll find ways of watching it surreptitiously, which will even hurt more.

He should however respect your feelings and not flaunt it.

Personally, I don't think its a big deal - so long as it's a fun diversion and doesn't take the place of real connection.

(Hugs)

AliceWorld · 19/04/2011 09:30

I'm really sad at the number of people that think they have no choice but to have a male partner who looks at porn.

My ex was a porn user. I was with him for a long time and an influential stage of my life. He made me think porn was normal and that all men did it. Also that men had 'needs' and I have to fulfill them, else it was my own fault what the consequences were.

Thankfully, I left him.

It took me a long long time with my husband, to understand that when he told me that men did not 'need' porn, nor did they 'need' to ejaculate several times a day and that I didn't have to do things I didn't want to, that it was true. Years of unpicking what my ex had made me believe. It makes me so sad that there are people still out there with the likes of my ex, and that is their reality. What that man is telling you isn't true.

michelle2011 · 19/04/2011 09:50

Olifin where in my post say good for them and mention the word empowered ??????

michelle2011 · 19/04/2011 09:51

did i say

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 19/04/2011 09:56

note that the main argument I am using here is not 'it is demeaning for the porn actresses.' I am saying it is wrong to look at mainstream internet porn because there is a non-negligible chance that the women you are watching have been/are being abused.
big difference.

I do, however, think it demeans the watcher to be willing to jerk off to something that might be rape.

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 19/04/2011 09:57

'But its a male thing and if you "censor" him, he'll find ways of watching it surreptitiously, which will even hurt more.'

that suggests that men can't ever be trusted - isn't that a bit insulting to men? Confused

Olifin · 19/04/2011 09:58

You didn't use those exact words michelle but saying 'they are grown women, they have brains and they are making choices for themselves their choice' is pretty much the same as saying you believe they are empowered. You are splitting hairs. Is it because you don't want to actually engage with any of these arguments?

PlopPlopPing · 19/04/2011 10:38

I just wanted to say to all those who say that their DP doesn't look at porn . . . I have a lot of male friends and they ALL look at porn. The one's who have girlfriends who are anti-porn just do it in secret.

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 19/04/2011 10:50

sorry you have such dishonest friends PlopPlopPing.

HerBEggs · 19/04/2011 10:55

Lucky you plop. You know a lot of really dubious men, don't judge all men by your awful friends, just becuase your male friends are sordid wankers doesn't mean all men are.

Olifin · 19/04/2011 10:56

Indeed seth!

Plop There is such a thing as total honesty in relationships, believe it or not.

Not all men look at porn.

When I was a teenager, I was looking for something in my parents' loft and I came across some old University essays my Dad had written, which were quite interesting. One of them was about Pornography and my Dad's take on it was clearly that it was damaging in a number of different ways. He wrote that essay when he was in his late teens as a single man. If he felt that way then about porn, I imagine his feelings on the subject only strengthened when he later married my mum and became a father. Far from thinking of him as abnormal, I was really proud to read his views. It confirms my view that he is an excellent male role model to my brother and I.

jeckadeck · 19/04/2011 10:58

I'm kind of with you in that it makes me feel uncomfortable and a bit icky because of the underlying attitudes to women/the way the industry is run etc. But I also think, to be brutally honest, that the vast vast majority of men consume porn at some point in their lives and in some form. I think trying to police it or ban it is likely to be counterproductive, drive it underground etc. If you are really upset by it then you should tell your partner because its important to communicate about these things. But I fear you may be being unrealistic to expect him to stop it altogether. A lot not all men really need the "safety valve" that porn provides and if you are PG and maybe not up for sex as much as before then he may be relying on it more than usual. If you can persuade him to stop, or at least to ration himself, great. But I think you should face the fact that it would be better to come to terms with it and have an honest relationship. Trying to ban it is probably just going to force him to do it behind your back.

PlopPlopPing · 19/04/2011 11:05

Lucky you plop. You know a lot of really dubious men, don't judge all men by your awful friends, just becuase your male friends are sordid wankers doesn't mean all men are.

Sordid wankers? So all men who look at pics of naked women are sordid wankers?

HerBEggs · 19/04/2011 11:06

What is this safety valve men need?

What would would happen if they didn't have this safety valve?

I am really shocked by how low an opinion so many women have of men. They don't need safety valves they are sentient human beings, not pressure cookers.

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