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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much of a say do you allow your dh/dp to have over your work life? DH doesn't want me to work

291 replies

yoursayhissay · 18/04/2011 11:40

just interested in how much of a say you allow your dh/dp to have over your work life?

dh earns a good wage, he is also on a board as well as a ft job, so works more than an average ft job.
doesn't want to cut down on work or go part time.
he often worls late etc

and he thinks I should take his feelings into consideration when I decide what I want to do in the future, not that I should do exactley what he wants but i
I should take his feeling into consideration
and that he should have some say in things

what do you do?

OP posts:
shakeyabootie · 22/04/2011 11:36

I agree that some women don't adequately protect themselves when they decide to give up work. My mother worked in family law so I've always grown up with an understanding of how things can go wrong, particularly with cohabitees, life insurance and pensions. DH and I discuss all the major financial decisions like pensions and investments and everything is arranged with our accountant so that I'm fully protected. It would be good if there was more financial education in schools, I know several women who have been left destitute because they weren't married.

As for dumping wives for a younger model, most of our male friends are wary of this now because they know they'll be stuck with a big payout in the event of a divorce - which is what happened recently with a couple we know.

Absolutelyfabulous · 22/04/2011 11:53

There are plenty of working women and unmarried women in vulnerable situations too - it is down to the individual to ensure they know where they stand.

Stopthenonsense · 22/04/2011 12:21

Most of the women I know have done well out of the divorce.

They kept the children,the house, a share of the pension and got spousal maintanance.
It helps to be married though.

Violethill · 22/04/2011 12:21

With regard to xenias post, I Think shes painting a worst case scenario, not suggesting that successful husbands will always run off with a younger model!

I also believe, anyway, that the underlying issue is not so much the 'what if' scenarios of divorce, bereavement ,illness, redundancy etc (although of course these things can happen to anyone - none of us are immune). But its more about recognising that peoples roles tend to be far more flexible nowadays. Gone are the days when mum gave up work to have children and never had a serious job again, while dad worked in the same job for life for 45 years. Thats not the reality these days - many women and men do not want to be pigeonholed like this, and even if they don't mind, it's not the way of the world any more. One of the things I'm proudest of in raising my three children is that there are no huge differences in expectation between my dd's and my ds. They would all be really surprised if anyone suggested that because of their gender, they should be less likely to take their career seriously,or less likely to be involved in the day to day routines of childcare or domestic chores.
I think even greater flexibility is what the future holds.

Xenia · 22/04/2011 13:06

Go through the House of Commons. Even our local MP has left his wife and gone off to marry a younger model. Tehre is plenty of it about on both sides, men and women.

I agree that in a fairly lowish wage scenario where the main asset is the house women do do better and it's hard to hide money as long as they are married and eveni f they are housewives and lower earners=. However even there is he cannot afford to pay the mortgage and rent a place often the house has to be sold. If you both earn £30k that might not be so.

The more complex cases and the ones who tend to show off to me about how clever they are not to support their children (goodness knows why they think this is a seduction tactic) tend to be a man (or a woman alhtough I don't date those) who has a company and then ensures th eincome is very low. It is very hard indeed to get at that money. If someone insetad has a salary you 're better off but even then tehy do silly things like leaving work after divorce to work in Italy in a vineyard or have ababy with a new woman and give up work and live on her income (only his nor her income is used to assess child support). It's not very hard entirely to avoid all financial obligations post divorce in those kinds of cases. Luckily most parents want to support their children whatever their gender.

All housewievs should ensure they know and have copies of all P60s and tax returns adn read and check them, can list the pensions the family has and savings and ideally ensure they get themselves on in joint name on all properties, the family house, all shares and investments and that they know what the will of their spouse says and where it is. You only have to go and look at some divorce boards on line and you will see how very very many women are kept in total ignorance of all those kinds of things.

Absolutelyfabulous · 22/04/2011 13:12

I'm touched you give so much of a shit about mere , " housewives" Xenia.

FFS.

Look - it's nothing to do with you how other people live. I wouldn't live your life for all the tea in China and I bitterly resent blinkered women like you telling other women what they should and shouldn't do.

Live your own life and butt out of other people's, yeah?

Quattrocento · 22/04/2011 13:29

I absolutely endorse the point X makes about understanding the finances. But it's not just SAHMs who need to understand which way is up - the same equally applies to working women.

My SIL is not a career highflyer but she had a goodish job as a deputy head. Did she know that her husband's business was nosediving and that they had not a penny to bless themselves with? No, not at all. Even the big red flag of remortgaging the house seemed to bypass her radar ... She woke up when they went bankrupt. Rude awakening. We all need to know the score on finances, all of us

Violethill · 22/04/2011 13:36

That was absolutely my point quattrocento - that even Intelligent women can be remarkably naive when it comes to these things - and whatever anyone claims to the contrary, the statistics back it up. There are tens of thousands of women out there who have no personal pension provision, who what they have is woefully inadequate. Its so important to consider all these things whether you work full time, part time or are out of the workplace for a while. Its certainly an issue worthy of discussion

Absolutelyfabulous · 22/04/2011 13:58

Agreed.

Everyone needs to be in control of their finances - men and women, working and non.

Xenia · 22/04/2011 13:59

Yes, in fact many housewives do all the admin and know more about the finances than their husband and some working wives have no idea about their husband's business interests although in general it's not that way round.

I think it's best to look at the paperwork too and not just take what you're told as gospel. We could do a survey here

  1. Do you know what your husband's net and gross pay is and have you seen his P60s every year?
  2. Has he made a will and where is it?
  3. Are the house and other properties in joint names and is that 50/50 or a different %?
  4. What debts does he have and are you liable on any of them?
  5. Do you see credit card bills monthly for all his cards and know what is on them?
  6. Do you know what pensions , savings and investments he has and are they alli n joint names where that is possible?
  7. If he owns a business do you have shares in that and have you share certificates to show you are? If not have you seen details of the company's finances

etc
etc

Or are you living cloud cuckoo land and don't bother your pretty little head about matters of such kinds?

stoppinattwo · 22/04/2011 14:19

Absolutely on the nail Xenia :)....

Im the main earner in our house and I know DP knows nothing of any of the items you have listed...

It worries me that were I the sort to be mean about it, how "high and dry" he would be....oh and he has no parental responsibility either.

Thankfully I am a trustworthy soul Smile

Absolutelyfabulous · 22/04/2011 14:40

Xenia - I do indeed worry my pretty little head and know the answer to ecery one of those questions.

Why do you assume pretty women wouldn't know these things? Do only ugly little heads carry this information? Hmm

Absolutelyfabulous · 22/04/2011 14:41

Oh, and Xenia -I don't mind being called a housewife because that is what I am but I know you use it to sneer at other women.

stoppinattwo · 22/04/2011 14:53

Abfab...you dont get Xenia do you. :)

Dont see her posts as a personal attack, see them as quite good advice really....what part of what she said is offensive.

She is using well know phases such as "pretty little head" to emphasise the stupidness of it all and how some (not all) people (men and Women) can be left without through thier own ignorance.

Violethill · 22/04/2011 15:03

As for the term 'housewife', well, its difficult to find a term which everyones happy with. Some people prefer the term 'domestic engineer' which to my mind just sounds a bit try-hard, and I also don't buy that 'i'm a chauffeur, chef, gardener, counsellor' stuff, as we all do that whether we work or not. I don't give a stuff how anyone describes themself, but its hardly fair to describe yourself as something and then take offence when someone else uses the term.

Absolutelyfabulous · 22/04/2011 15:19

Violethill - I have seen Xenia use this term even when other people have said they prefer the term SAHM which suggests a disregard for other people's feelings on the matter.

It's like when a working mother says she is upset by the term full time mother to describe a non working - so anyone with an ounce of decency would then refrain from using it, no?

Xenia · 22/04/2011 15:24

SAHM - don't like the phrase. Don't even know how to say it.

I was not denigrating the p retty. I'm quite pretty. It helps. People give work to and promotions to men and women who look better. Studies show this.

Violethill · 22/04/2011 15:39

Not a good comparison abfab, because mother and father are not jobs- it's a simple fact that once you become one, you remain one, for life, its got nothing to do with whether the parents are employed or not.

Its silly to get too hung up about semantics anyway. If you're happy with what you do, then why let it be a big deal?

I am on holiday from work right now and being quite housewifely- ive got quite a few domestic chores done this week- I don't see anything derogatory about it at all.

Bonsoir · 22/04/2011 17:01

I take issue with "parenting" not being a job. There is a distinct difference between conceiving a child and bringing it into this world (= to father, to mother, to parent) and to bring a child up (=to father, to mother, to parent), as any adoptive parent/stepparent knows only too well!

blueshoes · 22/04/2011 17:13

Parenting aka raising a child is distinct from conceiving and giving birth to one - that I agree. But that does not make parenting a 'job'.

aprilbear · 22/04/2011 17:20

Agree blueshoes.
The people who raise a child may well not be the ones who are genetically the mother and father. People die, families split up.
However, a job is a something which people pay you to do, which last time I looked, doesn't happen with being a mum or dad

Bonsoir · 22/04/2011 17:40

It is a common fallacy that "job" = "paid employment". It doesn't!

blueshoes · 22/04/2011 17:47

Paid employment = job means it is valuable externally (to the extent someone is prepared to pay you to do it).

Being a parent is only of value to the parents. Hence, no payment, no job.

The counterargument that parenting raises a future tax payer is neither here nor there. Not all people grow up to give a net contribution to society and we could always import talent through immigration.

aprilbear · 22/04/2011 17:49

Yes I suppose at a push a 'job' could be considered to be unpaid routine tasks too. But that's not how many people regard parenting. Labour of love for me Smile

Bonsoir · 22/04/2011 17:49

Blueshoes - not really. The outsourcing of parenting has been going on for centuries in multiple ways. I thought you yourself had used a nursery and school?