Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much of a say do you allow your dh/dp to have over your work life? DH doesn't want me to work

291 replies

yoursayhissay · 18/04/2011 11:40

just interested in how much of a say you allow your dh/dp to have over your work life?

dh earns a good wage, he is also on a board as well as a ft job, so works more than an average ft job.
doesn't want to cut down on work or go part time.
he often worls late etc

and he thinks I should take his feelings into consideration when I decide what I want to do in the future, not that I should do exactley what he wants but i
I should take his feeling into consideration
and that he should have some say in things

what do you do?

OP posts:
ithaka · 22/04/2011 18:43

I don't see being a parent as being as task, being a parent is part of who you are, it isn't as simple as performing a task. Of course it is a resonsibility, for more than any job, which you can in fact drop freely to take up another, if you wish. Anyway, it is just semantics, but I personally will certainly never see being a mum as a 'task' or 'job', any more than I see being a wife, daughter or friend as a job. For me, it demeans it.

Bonsoir · 22/04/2011 18:46

Being a parent is entirely separate to who you are. It is immensely important to separate the two. One day your child will leave you and you must let them go to pursue their own life. Their success (or otherwise) at being a happy independent adult will be highly dependent (although not exclusively dependent) on the job you have done as parent to prepare them for their independent adult life.

I am astounded that such basic boundary issues need to be debated here.

ithaka · 22/04/2011 18:49

Well, being a parent is not entirely separate to who I am - it is part of me, like being a daughter, sister, or friend. My mum is still very much a mum, my dad still my dad, even though I left home over 20 years ago. It is all healthy and normal, worry not!

aprilbear · 22/04/2011 18:49

Substitute job for role in the above post and the result is - hmm , exactly the same.
As you say ithaka , pure semantics

Bonsoir · 22/04/2011 18:51

Not healthy at all, highly dysfunctional. Not good!

aprilbear · 22/04/2011 18:56

Well. That's telling you ithaka. Your family that you previously thought were healthy, happy and well adjusted? Clearly not. You are doing a tragically bad JOB of parenting and raising a dysfunctional family!

ithaka · 22/04/2011 19:19

I know - slit my wrists now, eh?

I visit a cemetary regularly and as I walk round the gravestones, they all say things like 'loved mother' or 'adored father and husband', or 'loved grandmother and mother' - you get the picture. It seems that in the end it is exactly our relationships that define us. Not many job titles listed - we go to the grave as parents.

Bonsoir · 22/04/2011 20:32

Then you had probably better kill yourself now, if there is no more to you than your relationships!

aprilbear · 22/04/2011 20:38

God she might if you don't give over.....

Xenia · 22/04/2011 22:00

Depends how you define job. We love (most of us) our spouse and children and there mutual rights and responsibilities in those relationships. Some don't pull their weight. Plenty of chidlren don't reaally do their own job and don't help enough. They are as much invovled in a job if we define it as being part of a family as a father or mother but it's not a proper job. Most of us clean our houses, do our washing, wipe our own bottoms and care for our families and have a job of work too. It's a fuller life to have a variety of thigns in it.

bleedingstill · 22/04/2011 22:28

I would never ever be economically dependent on a man.
OP I would caution against being out of the workplace for too long

OldMumsy · 22/04/2011 22:31

Have a job and a career if it all goes pear shaped in the future you can support yourself. Its enlightened self interest.

Bonsoir · 23/04/2011 08:04

It is not purposeful or rational, or an effective way to deal with your environment, to work for no immediate financial gain, which is the position in which many second earners in a couple with children find themselves once they have met the costs of working.

I think it is fine for primary earners to point this out to second earners! Basic intelligence dictates that you should.

Of course, it is also indispensable for couples with interwined material interests to make provision for their whole family in the event of disaster/breakdown.

Xenia · 23/04/2011 08:45

It might well be indispensable but plenty do the opposite. I hear amazingly often (always from men) about how money is in XYZ trust and the wife doens't know or there is ABC in Thialnd or there are 4 companies but she doesn't know about those. They are working very hard to ensure there are lots of hidden assets. Of course plenty of others love their wives and will never divorce and many others again wuold not hide anything but a large number who have fairly large assets do plan to ensure they are out of the knowledge of the other half or they structure the business to ensure that will be so. Then of course many will not marry you at all as the best way to protect their own fortune and that works the same for those of us women who would be (or have been ) fleeced on a divorce.

Then there are the marriage where she has to be pretty nice to him and tolerate all kinds of awful stuff, affairs etc because of the total economic dependence and because she knows if they divorce the £400k fortune will disappear to nothing and there will be just state benefits on which to live.

aprilbear · 23/04/2011 08:49

It can be very purposeful and rational for people who view working as about more than just earning immediate money. The other purposes of working have been pointed out countless times.
Providing intellectual stimulation
Providing social interaction
Positive impact on self esteem
Keeping specialist skills updated
Keeping occupational pension going
.........
If I was partnered to a main wage earner who felt the need to tell me that it was pointless for me to work ( especially in such a patronising tone)I'd be questioning my ability to choose a husband effectively

ithaka · 23/04/2011 08:57

I don't buy the primary earner and secondary earner stuff - if you are working, you are working and both adults in a relationship have the same right to earn an honest crust. Who knows what the future holds and how career changes and promotion opportunities will develop? Of course taking career opportunties is a joint discussion in a partnership, but the emphasis is on joint: no one should be considered 'primary' or 'secondary' in that discussion.

What do I know, though. I have just found out through mumsnet that me and my entire family are 'highly dysfuntional' - happy days Grin

aprilbear · 23/04/2011 09:03

You would not be able to define primary or secondary earner anyway for a lot of couples, where both partners earn the same or very similar amounts and both have similar aptitude and likelihood of progression

CurrySpice · 23/04/2011 09:14

Bonsoir it's been a while since I felt so patronised by a set of posts as yours here! Shock

Ithaka I hope you are grateful for being put straight Wink

ithaka · 23/04/2011 09:19

Oh yes, very grateful. There was I, merrily appreciating my supportive parents and enjoying my lovely family. So useful to learn how wrong I was and that I had 'probably better kill myself now' - what a delightful post Smile

aprilbear · 23/04/2011 09:25

Perhaps she was trying to do irony... badly

AnnieLobePassoverSeder · 23/04/2011 10:04

"It is not purposeful or rational, or an effective way to deal with your environment, to work for no immediate financial gain, which is the position in which many second earners in a couple with children find themselves once they have met the costs of working."

Of course it's purposeful and rational - even if you make no immediate financial gain, you are keeping yourself in the job market and progressing your career, thus giving yourself the potential to earn more in the future. If you just step out of the job market because you're not seeing any immediate benefit, you're blindly throwing away a very large chunk of your future potential. There's a limit to how much you'll be able to 'catch up' when you do get back into the market.

Absolutelyfabulous · 23/04/2011 10:16

Some of us are happy to bypass " the market" entirely Grin

aprilbear · 23/04/2011 10:18

Yes. Some people are. That's been covered already on the thread Smile

Absolutelyfabulous · 23/04/2011 10:40

Oh, are you The Thread Drift Police, aprilbear? Hmm

Violethill · 23/04/2011 10:53

Agree with april and annie's posts about all the other reasons why working is purposeful, apart from just the immediate financial gain.
There really is so much more to be gained from working as well as just money (though thats nice too!)
And thats not to detract from any of the fulfilment gained from family/friends/ hobbies or any other aspect of life outside work. These things aren't mutually exclusive- you can gain fulfilment in different ways from family, home, work, friends etc

Swipe left for the next trending thread