Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much of a say do you allow your dh/dp to have over your work life? DH doesn't want me to work

291 replies

yoursayhissay · 18/04/2011 11:40

just interested in how much of a say you allow your dh/dp to have over your work life?

dh earns a good wage, he is also on a board as well as a ft job, so works more than an average ft job.
doesn't want to cut down on work or go part time.
he often worls late etc

and he thinks I should take his feelings into consideration when I decide what I want to do in the future, not that I should do exactley what he wants but i
I should take his feeling into consideration
and that he should have some say in things

what do you do?

OP posts:
JoyceEasterBunnyaby · 18/04/2011 12:46

I think all the same principles apply, TBH. Obviously, the state of your joint finances need to be taken into consideration but beyond that, I think everyone's comments are just as relevant whichever way you look at it!!

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 18/04/2011 12:49

You need to work out what works best for both of you. There aren't any rules.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 18/04/2011 12:50

How much say do you get in his work?

If he wants to control your work but you don't get to control his, then he should shut the fuck up!

Actually, neither of you should be controlling the other at all, you should talk.

If he didn't want you to go to work but you wanted to, then you should work.

If he wanted you to work but you didn't want to - that's a bit different. Because you are, if you refuse to earn a wage, expecting him to feed, clothe and keep a roof over your head and demanding that from him. That is unfair. tbh, it is taking the piss.

If it is decided between you that one of you will stay at home and run the home and the other will work outside the home to earn the money for the family, that's all well and good. To have one of you say no, I am not going to earn money, you feed me. I'll clean and cook. - That's not on, imo. one person alone providing the money is something that is done by agreement.

knittedbreast · 18/04/2011 12:55

why dont you get an evening job?

Unless you are really very well off i dont understand how people live with one breadwinner.

children are so bloody expensive, and so are mortgages/rental.

my boyfriend used to be all for my career, but now hes all about his. He took the job because he could take our son to and from school sometimes and work his own work load, now he bitches and moans if i ask him.

they just get comfy!

TheSmallClanger · 18/04/2011 12:55

If the financial situation demanded it, I wouldn't think he was being unreasonable in encouraging you into a suitable job. Demanding you take any job would be unreasonable.

It's a fine balancing act. Both DH and I consider our commitments to Tiny Clanger, our finances and our relationship when making career decisions. For various reasons, both of our careers have taken big hits during our time together, which does mean that we can empathise. However, it is hard, although we do have rules. We both decided that we would not take jobs that involved working away, or lots of out-of-hours socialising, or routine weekend working, for example.

Original poster
yoursayhissay · 18/04/2011 13:01

I would actually quite like an evening bar job.

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 18/04/2011 13:03

Erm, surely you either both have equal say over both working arrangements or you have no say over individual arrangements?

Surely, the working arrangements in a relationship are a jointly agreed thing with both parties having full equality?

OliPolly · 18/04/2011 13:12

DH didn't want me to workn when we had DS but I was too much of an independent woman to be a SAHM Grin

3 years later we had DD and I again went back to work full time. I had a stressfull job in the City which drove me nuts so I gave in and became a SAHM last year - he didn't say 'I told you so' because my income was very good for us in the end.

Now 10 months later, I realise that I am not cut out to be a SAHM so will be going to Uni to retrain in Sept. It will work well for us as DD starts school in Sept as well.

Moral of the story is - there are NO rules, we all live separate lives and our priorities are very different

NorthernGobshite · 18/04/2011 13:22

My dh would support my wish to return to work.
And if he didn't I would question the relationship tbh.

NinkyNonker · 18/04/2011 13:27

We always discussed it as a partnership. I don't work at the mo, by mutual agreement. Likewise if he ever found the pressure of sole earner too much all he needs to do is say and I will look for work without a mutter.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 18/04/2011 13:28

Well, your partner is either your boss nor your owner, so it's not up to him to forbid you to work. However, in a healthy relationship partners discuss things like changing jobs, as decisions do impact on the rest of the family, and you wolr out the best solution for all concerned.

ineedagoodsolicitor · 18/04/2011 13:30

OP please be clear , do you want advice re dh not wanting you to work or re him wanting you to work ?

Forget trying to trick us and then using the negative opinions as positives.

I dropped to part-time as our home/family life would have been of very poor quality after children came along if I'd tried to work full-time but dh actually wanted me to reduce my working hours much more drastically. I refused and he got used to things.

We are now divorcing (not as a result of any working hours arguments however) and he wants to pay minimum CSA rates as child maintenance. The legal opinion is that I am not eligible for any spouse maintenance to bridge the large gap between my future household income and his, as I can technically support us on just my income alone.

To the kids from now on, it is likely to be..... "daddy took us on lovely days out/holidays/look what daddy bought me"

I, on the other hand, will be juggling the finances/doing 90% of childcare/domestic responsibilities and looking to increase my hours and stress levels if we are to be able to afford to visit my parents abroad again sometime in the next 5-10 years.

If your dh wants you at home more, be aware that this will make his working life easier. He'll effectively have a housekeeper/nanny. Consider having a legal agreement drawn up as to what level of maintenance he will pay should the marriage break down, given that you will be jeopardising you future earning ability and financial comfort in old age by doing so.

NinkyNonker · 18/04/2011 13:32

I think DH would rather I was at home with dd if I'm.honest, which is fine as he would support me without a qualm if I decided to.go back. I always keep busy though, volunteering, retraining (hopefully)

suzikettles · 18/04/2011 13:35

Dh & I have to negotiate as he works fulltime shifts, I work on 3 contracts, 2 of which are flexible and we want to minimise our childcare costs.

So, when I was offered some extra hours I needed to check that he could be flexible enough for me to do those hours without having to get extra childcare (is temporary so wouldn't have been worth it).

When he was looking for a new job he had to weigh up the costs/benefits of Mon-Fri 9-5, which he would dearly love, with shifts which would help me to work. In the end he took a job with shifts because it paid slightly more and allowed me to continue working without paying childcare as he can cover my working hours.

That's probably how it works in most households where the end goal is having enough money each month to cover the bills. I guess it's more complex if you're working for other reasons, but I still think there should be consideration and negotiation on both sides to weigh up what's best for the whole family.

GiddyPickle · 18/04/2011 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 18/04/2011 13:42

We both consider each other equally. In general the only thing we'd be unhappy about is a geographical move or sudden drop in salary.
You should take his feelings into account re your job as much as he does yours.
I would never have married the sort of man who would try telling me how to live my life.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 18/04/2011 13:44

Irrespective of who does or doesn't want you to work - you need to discuss it. IMO you should both get equal say in each others choices as they affect you both.

However, if he wants you to work and you just don't want to then I don't think you are being fair - why should he support you? UNLESS you have children and you agreed before that, that you would be a SAHM - then he's being unreasonable (especially as he's earning enough money to support your family).

What is actually going on or are you just a journo canvassing opinions?

DiveBomb · 18/04/2011 13:52

My DH has always supported my decisions to work or not work, and I have done the same with him. You're there to help each other acheive what you want in life, and to raise the children (together!), and not to help him acheive what he wants in life regardless. If you WANT to stay home, go for it and enjoy it to the full. If you want to work, he should be supporting you, not acting like a child.

By the way, what 'feelings' does he want you to take into consideration?

2rebecca · 18/04/2011 14:00

My husband is much like bikerunski's in having less of a work ethic than me. He also has a lower hourly rate. He would love me to work more hours and him less (or ideally none at all!), but as I feel I pull my weight financially already I consider his feelings and then tell him we'll stay as we are.
Considering someone else's opinions doesn't mean you do what they want.
You could tell him you have considered his feelings, but still want to do x job, and that considering his feelings doesn't mean letting him control your life. It doesn't sound as though he considers your feelings in organising his work/ life balance.

berrieberrie · 18/04/2011 18:12

If he is suggesting you go back to work and you don't want to, I think you should consider it. It will only build resentment if you don't.

There are lots of people who say there husband is happy to be the breadwinner but if their not, is it fair to expect one person to support the whole family whilst under duress... There may be trouble ahead......

Insomnia11 · 18/04/2011 18:48

I think when you are in a couple with children - or even without children for that matter you should both think about how your work or not working affects family life and your individual wellbeing. It's a partnership, it's not about one person having a say over the other.

PlopPlopPing · 18/04/2011 18:56

Is he going to take YOUR feelings into consideration? Does he now?

northerngirl41 · 18/04/2011 20:50

I have to agree with Insomnia11 - it is about creating a compromise, not one person getting their own way and the other feeling shafted.

Somehow there has to be a compromise: would he give up some of his salary to get extra domestic help, even if it's just a cleaner or an older teenager to pick the kids up from school and watch them till you get home? how about giving up some family time so that you could work evenings/weekends? or can you look at jobs where you are working from home and thus not spending loads of time commuting?

Realistically, how much money would you be bringing in? Would it be enough to cover childcare, even if it effectively meant you were working for free?

bubblecoral · 18/04/2011 21:37

My dh would not want me to do an evening bar job, as evenigs are the time that he's at home so it would impact on our relationship. I don't feel that I have the right to do something like that without his full support. However if I wanted to get a different job in the daytime while he was out anyway, he wouln't be bothered and if he was I would probably do it anyway. But it really woudn't be worth it for an evening bar job, my husband means far more to me than that.

Northeastgirl · 18/04/2011 22:44

You should consider each other's opinions but that doesn't have to mean bossing each other around