How much of a say do you allow your dh/dp to have over your work life? DH doesn't want me to work

[yoursayhissay]

just interested in how much of a say you allow your dh/dp to have over your work life?

dh earns a good wage, he is also on a board as well as a ft job, so works more than an average ft job.
doesn't want to cut down on work or go part time.
he often worls late etc

and he thinks I should take his feelings into consideration when I decide what I want to do in the future, not that I should do exactley what he wants but i
I should take his feeling into consideration
and that he should have some say in things

what do you do?

Annie - working as an insurance policy is the preserve of the very risk-averse. Highly risk-averse behaviour isn't always rational!

Violethill, a great deal can be lost through working too, especially if you work in a monotonous or repetitive and easy low paid job.

You can miss out on time with your small children or your retired parents and your friends. You can miss out on community projects and community life and volunteer work. You can miss out on a slower pace of life and you can miss out on stress and the tube and commuting and lunches eaten at a desk. You can miss out on picking up your children from school and taking time to prepare the evening meal. You can miss out on time for your own hobbies and interests and time to enrich and support the lives of others.

I know that there are plenty of people who have no desire to do any of those things and think working is more valuable and that's just fine. But it is also just fine to think that doing those things is more valuable than working too. It's a good job we are all different!

I disagree with you there abfab. I don't think many people really find none of those things important and think work is more valuable.
Every parent I know values their children more than their work, and most of them value hobbies, friends, home life etc etc too

It isn't an either/or scenario for most people. And these days, as I have said before, many men and women reject the notion that roles are polarised into full time provider and full time non-working.

"1. Why would he prefer that you don't go out to work ?

1. Why is it important to you to go out to work ?" (below) implies that you job is the one open to qustions and options.

They are questions no more pressing or important in the way you jointly run your family than

"3.Why does he not prefer to share work / home resonsibilities a little differently?"
" 4. Why does he not want to cut down his hours in order to create more possibility of a different balance?"
"5. Why is it so important for him to be on the board, extra to his work, ather than spend more time with his family?"
"6. How can you both work together to accommodate a family dynamic that supports your needs NOW and in the future when the children are older".

The word 'allow' is not one, really, that features in a relationship, is it? Yes, take each others feelings into consideration, equally and mutually.

I think you know a lot of middle-income families, violethill, and that your views are highly coloured by the social circles you move in.

Id also add that in Real Life (which is actually what counts!) I don't see a world divided into people who work and are missing out on friends, family, community events etc and people who don't work and are getting stuck into all these things. For example, where I live, I am involved in a community orchard project, a local drama group, plus I have a social circle of friends outside work as well as inside work. And interestingly, the majority of people in the orchard and drama group are also in paid employment .
Conversely, I know several unemployed parents who dont get involved in community life at all, and actually don't necessarily do a lot of parenting either!
Ime, having a fulfilling life outside work, getting stuck into community life, developing hobbies etc is more about an attitude of mind rather than anything else.

violethill, I'm really enjoying reading your posts on here, I have merged into one of the women you are talking about and I don't know what to do about it...

can I ask, what is it you do as a living, please ignore me if you don't want to discuss this on the internet

I'd love to sit and have a chat to you, are you a sort of life councillor?

Bonsoir - pardon? How is it being risk-averse to continue my much-loved career, in order to make the best of this much-loved career in the long term, despite short-term lack of financial gain? What an odd outlook.

Um, abfab, people don't work 24/7. I work full-time and still manage to have an active social life and several hobbies.

And I think you'll find that people in monotonous or repetitive and easy low paid jobs are usually there because they need to work, not as a personal choice.

And FWIW, I count community projects, community life and volunteer work as a job. You might not get paid but it's important and necessary work, and I have only the greatest respect and admiration for anyone using their time that way.

I make time to pick my children up from school at least once a week and I have to say that taking time to prepare an evening meal is not high on my list of priorities!!

Why thank you ssd
I was a legal executive and then moved into education, and for the last few years have been a deputy head in a secondary school. I don't intend to be a Head, so may well branch out in another direction next.
Interesting what you ask about being a counsellor- I've never had formal training, but unofficial counselling comes with the territory in the jobs ive done!

Agree annie about monotonous low paid jobs - people doing those are far more likely to not have a choice about it, and this thread is about people who DO have the choice but perhaps have a partner who is exerting pressure. I am certainly raising my daughters and son to aspire to interesting work which they will find fulfilling as well as earning them an income. But then thats hardly surprising- I have yet to meet a parent who actually wants their child to aim for low grade mundane work or unemployment.
Btw on the point about taking time to prepare the evening meal. We cook from scratch about 90% of the time and it doesn't take hours. I think a lot of the routine domestic stuff can expand to fit the time available. I spent ages pottering around tidying cleaning and organising my sitting room this week, but it didn't need me to take that long (and is looking a tad untidy again anyway after ds's DVD and takeout evening last night!)

Violet - we're not in complete disagreement, then!

In fact, I'm puzzled as to who your posts extolling the joys of not working are aimed at, AbFab.

If it's working parents who enjoy their careers and have a good life-work balance, their reality is probably very different to the stressed-out lifestyle with no time to yourself that you describe.

If it's working parents who don't enjoy their jobs, would rather be at home and are stressed out, but who are stuck working due to finances, you're just rubbing salt in their wounds.

If it's other happy SAHMs, you're preaching to the choir.

So who are you aiming at?

Personally, I love working and hate being a SAHM. But that's just me. I wouldn't for one minute assume that other SAHMs are miserable and wish they could be at work. So why do you think you are qualified to make assumptions about working parents? Or are you just trying to convince us that you're happy as a SAHM? In which case, you really don't need to bother, because we're not you, so we don't actually care as long as you're happy with your life.

Annie - simply giving the flip side of the post about what you are missing out on if you don't work . Calm down! [ grin]

I much prefer being a housewife to a SAHM. A SAHM suggests you have a child or two at home during the day.

Well some of us who work and earn a lot then can have more time not less with chidlren (there are figures to show stay age home mothers don't actually all spend that much time with children) because we can afford to outsource cleaning etc. Many of us also do community stuff too. Whether men or women work or not most of us want variety in our lives for children hobbies etc.

Mind you I am pretty happy that in 26 years as a mother I have managed to avoid most of the afternoon school run - deo gratias.

violethill, I really think you should consider counsellor, I'd come to you (but I don't know if I could afford you )

abfab, you sound like you are trying to convince everyone how abfab your life is, why?