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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much of a say do you allow your dh/dp to have over your work life? DH doesn't want me to work

291 replies

yoursayhissay · 18/04/2011 11:40

just interested in how much of a say you allow your dh/dp to have over your work life?

dh earns a good wage, he is also on a board as well as a ft job, so works more than an average ft job.
doesn't want to cut down on work or go part time.
he often worls late etc

and he thinks I should take his feelings into consideration when I decide what I want to do in the future, not that I should do exactley what he wants but i
I should take his feeling into consideration
and that he should have some say in things

what do you do?

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 20/04/2011 17:29

DH would love me to give up work as he mistakenly believes I would then consent to iron.

Dear DH,

It will never happen. Ditto cooking and bumsex.

Love

KS
xx

scottishmummy · 20/04/2011 18:21

good grief thankful im not sahm if up the tradesman is mandatory,adds new dimension to fluff and fold

NinkyNonker · 20/04/2011 18:44
Grin
Absolutelyfabulous · 20/04/2011 19:05

I've not worked for ooh, fifteen years, and never been asked for tradesman's Scottishmummy.

I don't fluff and fold neiver. That's what the cleaner is for Grin Or iron. That's DH's job.
I do cook though, I'm good cook.

violethill · 20/04/2011 19:45

Pmsl katiescarlett

Morloth · 20/04/2011 22:36

Threads wander Annie, I was responding to posts about women being forced out their careers by their husbands and being stuck in crappy jobs as a result.

It was sort of being implied that this was always the case when a woman quits a high paying job to stay at home, this is not always the case.

Thread has now wandered to be about discussing life before hitching yourself up to someone.

That's what happens in AIBU.

Absolutelyfabulous · 21/04/2011 12:38

What I have never and will never get my poor little SAHM head around is why SOME women are so damn sure that there is only one way to live and that is their way.

Why do some women deride others for their choices? I'll be honest, for me, a life of full time work in a high powered job ( or any job, actually) would be a living hell. I cannot stress just how utterly miserable I would be.
Luckily, I have zero financial need to work so I can exercise my right not to providing my DH, children and most importantly, I, are happy with that decision.

I can't imagine telling other women they should SAH or refer to their work in a derogatory manner and TBPH, I couldn't give two hoots how other people choose to live.

My long held deep suspicion is that those working women who sneer at those who don't are insecure at some level. You HAVE to be insecure/jealous to have such deeply held emotions about complete strangers and how they live.
Enjoy your own lives, they are all too short to worry or concern yourselves with other people's.

rainbowinthesky · 21/04/2011 12:54

Great for you absolultely. I couldnt do what you do for lots of reasons. One being I like being independent and wouldnt want to be dependent on anyone else for the roof over my head etc. If I dont work the mortgage doesnt get paid. I am not sure about it being a right to stay at home. What if your dh wanted the same right?

OTheHugeManatee · 21/04/2011 13:00

Gawd, this isn't going to turn into a SAHM/WOHM thread is it?

violethill · 21/04/2011 13:18

Not sure of the point of absolutelyfabulous' post. No one is dictating how anyone else should live their life. That is the purpose of the thread - that while important life decisions should be made jointly, and within a realistic framework, it is not up to one partner to dictate to the other that they 'shouldn't' work.
If working in any paid job would be hell for you absolutelyfabulous, then obviously being at home is better for you- and it's good that your husband is happy with that.
But many of us are happy to spend time in the home AND in interesting jobs, and to suggest that working women are insecure is frankly, looking a bit like paranoia!

Absolutelyfabulous · 21/04/2011 14:03

Violethill - actually I said working women who despise those that don't are insecure.

Rainbow - if my DH wanted to SAH then we'd share, like anyone else. Ridiculous question 'cos he'd rather knaw his own knob off! Grin

Absolutelyfabulous · 21/04/2011 14:04
  • gnaw.

Doh.

violethill · 21/04/2011 14:07

I don't know any working women who 'despise' women who aren't employed. Sometimes they may not understand why they do what they do, and vice versa, but 'despise' ??? I think thats a bit of a myth tbh

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 21/04/2011 14:10
Grin
Absolutelyfabulous · 21/04/2011 14:24

Really, Violethill??

" fluff and fold" - you think that's a positive way to describe a SAHM?
Most of the stuff I've seen Xenia spout is bilious.

violethill · 21/04/2011 14:30

I think Xenia talks a lot of sense actually (with maybe a dash of nuttiness here and there!). She also has adult children as well as younger ones, so it's useful to see her perspective

Absolutelyfabulous · 21/04/2011 14:45

Well, I guess if you think that all women should go out to work regardless of the wants and needs of themselves and their families, to make life easier for other women who want to work, then that's fine.

Personally, I believe both men and women can choose how they want to operate their marriages, relationships and lives.

I don't judge people on what they do for a living, mind.

violethill · 21/04/2011 14:48

Erm .... I think you're attributing things to me which I haven't said.Hmm

Absolutelyfabulous · 21/04/2011 14:51

No - Xenia has said them. Ad infinitum and you said you think she talks sense.

violethill · 21/04/2011 14:57

She does talk a lot of sense. Doesn't mean I agree with everything she posts - what a weird idea! I am a person in my own right - is that such an alien concept!

Absolutelyfabulous · 21/04/2011 15:13

Nooo.

Fine.
I see we are going round in circles. I just cannot, cannot fathom why anyone cares enough about how other people organise their working lives to feel superior or angry or convinced your way is the right and only way.

My life is right for me and mine but I know fine well it wouldn't suit others and I don't give that more than a passing thought.
Perhaps I'm just not that interested , thinking about it. I mean, I have friends who work, friends who don't. I don't feel differently about them because of what they do only because of who they are. I don't think any of them should or shouldn't live differently and I don't feel I should either.

violethill · 21/04/2011 15:25

Me neither. But the thread is about how far women allow their partner to influence their decision to work - and has thrown up some interesting , as well as some shocking, views!

Absolutelyfabulous · 21/04/2011 15:55

Totally!

Surely anything like that is something that needs to be discussed and worked through ?

Isn't that simply common sense and common courtesy?

tinkerbel72 · 21/04/2011 16:26

When children are very little I think it works for some families to have one parent at home, but not for all, and there is a downside to it anyway, as its not always simple to get back into work later. And some parents both need to work too. These things should be discussed together, I don't understand, nor would I respect a partner who preferred the other to not work.
Once the children are school age things change a lot and I don't know why anyone would feel its ok to not get some form of paid work even if just a part time job. IMO some women end up using excuses to not work for years, when really they just don't want to which makes for a very unequal partnership. Also many women lose confidence if out of work for a long time, which isn't their fault but can then heap all the pressure on the earning partner, not just providing day to day, but also having the responsibility for the families financial well being long term.

shakeyabootie · 21/04/2011 18:05

DH had the final say on whether I should work or not. It was me who wanted to SAH, but of course that meant he was the sole breadwinner so it wouldn't have been fair for me to make the decision on my own. Fortunately his salary is high enough to make it possible and he adores me, so he's happy for me to choose what suits me best.