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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much of a say do you allow your dh/dp to have over your work life? DH doesn't want me to work

291 replies

yoursayhissay · 18/04/2011 11:40

just interested in how much of a say you allow your dh/dp to have over your work life?

dh earns a good wage, he is also on a board as well as a ft job, so works more than an average ft job.
doesn't want to cut down on work or go part time.
he often worls late etc

and he thinks I should take his feelings into consideration when I decide what I want to do in the future, not that I should do exactley what he wants but i
I should take his feeling into consideration
and that he should have some say in things

what do you do?

OP posts:
desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 18/04/2011 11:42

My DH does not decide if I work or not, I did talk to him as an equal before taking promotions or applying for new jobs. Not to ask permission but because I respected his opinion.

Seabright · 18/04/2011 11:43

It's not unfair of him to ask you to take his feelings into consideration, if he does the same and if neither of you are just paying lip-service to each other's points of view.

Do you want to work? What do you want to do? How much work do you want to do? What childcare arrangements can be put in place and what will you both need to do to accomodate them?

tethersegg · 18/04/2011 11:44

Would you like your DH to work less?

And he refuses to consider this?

I think it has to work both ways.

On the whole, me and my partner just trust each other to make good career decisions for ourselves.

noblegiraffe · 18/04/2011 11:45

Once you have children, joint decisions need to be made.

If my husband said he didn't want me to work, however, I'd tell him that wasn't an option. I need to work, at least part time, because I nearly went mental with boredom on mat leave.

EricNorthmansMistress · 18/04/2011 11:46

None at all. I make the decisions about my hours, whether to increase or decrease. I am the main wage earner but still. DH tried SAHDing for a while and didn't like it so he made the decision to go to work. I would never tell him not to work as he would never tell me not to.

Why does he want you to stop work? I'm struggling to understand why any adult would want someone they cared about to stop work if they didn't want to. Makes no sense to me.

Deafworm · 18/04/2011 11:48

my dh would prefer me not to work and once my dd's are in school i will consider what to do with that in mind, but if i decide i want to work then i will. and he wouldnt argue with that

rubyrubyruby · 18/04/2011 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Groovee · 18/04/2011 11:51

My dh supports what ever I have chosen. He does tell me when he thinks I've taken on too much though.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 18/04/2011 11:52

You sound as though you've had the discussion with him about his works hours- ' (he) doesn't want to cut down on work or go part time.' So have a discussion with him about you working and then, as he has, do what you want to.

thefurryone · 18/04/2011 11:53

We discuss things and talk about the consequences for us as a family both practically and financially, but this works both ways.

brimfull · 18/04/2011 11:54

My dh and I argue about this regularly because of the childcare implications. Basically he wants me to bear the brunt of the childcare and I am starting to resent this as it is affecting the jobs that I can apply for.
I want him to alter his working hrs to accomodate ds and allow me more freedom to work more hrs.

JoyceEasterBunnyaby · 18/04/2011 11:54

I agree that, to a certain extent, joint decisions need to be made about working arrangments. I'd expect my DH to listen to my views on his work, to consider my needs/wants and to ultimately make his own decision because I wouldn't dictate anything to him. Therefore, I expect the same in return. Under no circumstances will my DH ever tell me what to do (can't imagine he'd ever try to, TBH!!) but we are a team and we take each other's feelings into consideration.

To be fair, we've never disagreed on work issues but the same principles apply to our respective families - about whom we do sometimes disagree!! - and therefore we try to share our feelings but leave the ultimate decision to the relevant person, IYSWIM.

In case that sounds a bit holier than thou, I don't want to give the impression we don't argue - we do!! But these are the rules we try to live by.

BikeRunSki · 18/04/2011 11:56

I work p/t - went back to job I left f/t after maternity leave. I was so bored towards the end of mat leave I couldn't wait. I also really enjoy my job and have a great child friendly employer. Apart from the mental stimulus and social side of going back to work, we need my salary and my job comes with a car and OK pension.

I can not think that DH would ever consider my opinion so low that he would stop me working if I wanted too. I have a much stronger work ethic than him. He would give up work tommorow if he could.

Shortly after we first met I told DH that i loved it when my mum was ill, because it meant she was in when I got back from school. We decided then that if we had DC, then we'd make sure one of us worked p/t. When we had DS I worked (and still do) for a large, flexible, public organisation and DH worked for a small, inflexible private firm that was making people redundant. DH wanted to be the part timer, but it made more sense for me to be.

FetchezLaVache · 18/04/2011 11:56

We talk about things too. I'm the main breadwinner, DH does much of the childcare but he's a musician so he works several evenings a week- he would hate not to and I would never tell him he could or couldn't. On the reverse side, if I am ever offered a big contract I always discuss with him whether to accept it or not, because it will affect him too- I did this even before I had DS, so not just a childcare thing IYSWIM.

grovel · 18/04/2011 11:57

I think it is perfectly reasonable for your DH to want to have his feelings taken into consideration (provided it cuts both ways and he does not feel that he has the final say). You are two individuals but you are also a "team" (can't think of a better word - sorry).

2gorgeousboys · 18/04/2011 11:57

When I moved from working full time to part time and then a few years late went back to full time, DH and I discussed this together as there was an impact on the family finances.

When I was offered a new role a few months ago I again discussed this with DH before accepting - mainly because it meant being away overnight sometimes and I needed to know I had his support with the children.

It does however work both ways - if DH was thinking of changing jobs, cutting down etc I hope he would discuss this with me.

Clumsymum · 18/04/2011 11:58

This has to be something you decide TOGETHER. My first two questions are

  1. Why would he prefer that you don't go out to work ?
  2. Why is it important to you to go out to work ?

You need to explain both of those things to each other, and then work from there.

BrandyAlexander · 18/04/2011 11:58

We are equals. He is not my parent or my boss so we have discussions about each others careers so I have as much influence over his career as he has on mine. It's not that either of us has a "say" or demands what the other should do, but more that neither of us would make a career decision without discussing it with the other to ensure that it was in the best interests of the family. This includes whether one of us would do something that takes time away from the family (e.g. your husband working long hours would be discussed and not just him doing it). I wouldnt be in a relationship with dh if he tried to dictate to me something as fundamental as if I worked.

So in your situation, yes he is right, you should take his feelings into consideration, but does he take yours into consideration when he works long hours and no doubt leaves you to do more than 50% of the parenting?

Ephiny · 18/04/2011 11:58

I agree with others that of course it's good to discuss these things and take each other's feelings into account - but also that it has to work both ways! Is he happy for you to 'have some say' in his work decisions?

purplerabbitofinle · 18/04/2011 12:00

I trust and respect my DP's opinion on things and ask for (and listen to) his advice. The same way i consult my parents and friends on major decisions.

A range of opinions is good, and afaik a sign of a healthy, strong relationship. I couldn't tolerate being in a relationship with someone who I didn't feel had my best interests at heart, so if you feel that your DH is advising you for your own good, what's the problem?

"dh earns a good wage, he is also on a board as well as a ft job, so works more than an average ft job."

Is that ^^ the most important thing in your family? Or are you worried about the amount of time he doesn't spend with you? i work full time plus I'm a youth worker, DP works full time plus runs. After discussion, we have decided that when we have a family I will give up full-time work - because we both believe that's the best thing to do. I won't give up my youth work, and he won't give up running (although he will cut down to once a week from three times)

All these decisions are by mutual agreement and discussion.

berrieberrie · 18/04/2011 12:03

Unless you have a huge massive house with tons of equity in it which you own yourself or jointly and you have your own substancial pension, he has no right to make demands on whether you work or not. Is he happy to deny you a stable future?

However, I didscuss everything i do with my partner, that's what a partnership is all about, I know he has my best interests at heart. He would never advise me to give up my job or go part time or anything like that - because he wants me to be stable in life in the event thst he dies, gets made redundant, goes insane, leaves me for someone younger Grin

Bogeyface · 18/04/2011 12:03

I think it needs agreement from both sides. If he is refusing to compromise at all then I think its a bit rich of him to insist that you take his feelings into account.

If he doesnt want you to go to work then he needs to make sure that his reasons are watertight and for the good of you all, not because he is being selfish. I assume that you working would mean that he would have to take on more at home and that could be why he doesnt want you to.

As far as we are concerned, we look at money, day to day living, who's career is at the most crucial stage and would suffer most by change etc etc and make the decision based on that. I wouldnt accept DH just telling me what he is doing and I have to live with it or work around it, anymore than I would expect him to just accept whatever decision I made without considering him.

berrieberrie · 18/04/2011 12:22

I would also say, if he is this rigid when he is married to you and loves you... imagine what he'll be like if you ever divorce....??!! I wouldnt expect him to be saying 'well, you did give up your career to lok after my children and wash my smalls, I'll make sure you don't have to compromise your current living standards'

MitchiestInge · 18/04/2011 12:27

berrieberrie you make me feel significantly less bleak about my odd financial arrangements - far from substantial but I just about could live off own pension and am glad I resisted pressure to sell own house and get a better, jointly owned one when my relationship was happier than it is now

Original poster
yoursayhissay · 18/04/2011 12:43

OK, so that what you would think if he didn't want me to go to work.

now what would you say if the situation was reversed. he wanted me to work and I didn't want to?

how much of a say would you allow then?
or how much would you listen to him?

OP posts: