How much of a say do you allow your dh/dp to have over your work life? DH doesn't want me to work

[yoursayhissay]

just interested in how much of a say you allow your dh/dp to have over your work life?

dh earns a good wage, he is also on a board as well as a ft job, so works more than an average ft job.
doesn't want to cut down on work or go part time.
he often worls late etc

and he thinks I should take his feelings into consideration when I decide what I want to do in the future, not that I should do exactley what he wants but i
I should take his feeling into consideration
and that he should have some say in things

what do you do?

I too am amazed that people get married and have kids without talking this stuff through in depth before hand.

If I am honest I have always been a bit of a lazy bugger, I simply don't want to put in the hours/patience required to make the big bucks. I like stuffing about and doing the school run and going to the gym and having coffee.

It might not be the feminist dream but I am pretty happy with it to be honest.

One day I might actually sell some of the writing that I do in my 'free' time (i.e. baby nap time ATM), maybe I won't who knows, but I feel very privileged indeed to have the life I do.

I don't think my kids suffer because their dad works long hours. When he is here he is all theirs and because he does something he loves he isn't unhappy doing it and they have me available pretty much all the time.

We are lucky, of course in a world as chaotic as this that luck and happiness is precarious, but I don't see the point in worrying too much about that.

Our agreement is that when DH retires he will be given a room in my nice little posh BnB full of computers and will be allowed out for meals. We have as many of the 'what ifs' covered as you can have, and quite simply I trust him. He could indeed trade me in for a younger model but if I thought that was likely I would divorce him now.

It's all very well discussing childcare etc before having a child, but, like many things in life, you often don't find out what you really want or care about until you are there. Good to have the preliminary conversations, but don't make up your mind in an irreversible way...

I wouldn't have married anyone who wouldn't be happy with my purusing my career as mcuh as I wanted and didn't want me to have a large number of chidlren. They were absolute fundamentals discussed and agreed before we married. May be it helps if you earn or will earn a lot more than the man of course as I did - 10x etc.

However of course you take the feelings of your other half into account. it's very important. It's the smae with children. Sometimes it's clear something means so much to the child you should back down and you feelings aren't as important or vice versa. It's the balance we all run all the time in all personal relationships.

Tell your husband you intend to earn 10x what he earns and you'll both have a lot of fun along the way. I'm sure he won't object to that. The go ahead and do it.

Riepeberry - so what did the husband do in that case? Drag the women out of the door and off to work? How ridiculous. She let herself be dictated to by her husband, she should have told him to fuck off. In a proper loving relationship, no partner will ever force another to do anything, they will come to a mututally satisfying solution after rational discussion. If he threatened her with leaving the relationship, she should have told him not to let the door slap him on the arse on his way out. Why did she put up with it?

She puts up with it, I've told her and many others have told her that he treats her like dirt.
He also NEVER buys her birthday presents or Xmas presents and goes off all weekend leaving her alone with the kids.
It's her choice, one day she will see him for what he is.
But I just get all the moaning from her and told her the same thing each time.

Aren't you divorced, Xenia?
So not REALLY a great role model for How To Have A Happy Marriage .

Morloth - I could have written your posts! It's not a bad life, that'f for sure!

Thread has run away, on different tangent.
Op hasn't provided any of the necessary info , for us to make a reasonable decision.
I mean what specific objections does her dh have ?
And what are her reasons ?
If he works jolly hard and wants to come home and see her, thats one thing. If she just needs a break and a bit of socialising , he could be understood to insist that she does thta during the day, goes to more playgroups/coffee monrings etc.
She probbaly doesn't nened a bar job to do that. Or she might enjoy it. ( coming from someone who has worked in pubs for many many years, all the way through school and uni).
I can't work out what it is exactly that the OP wants.

Oblomov - it really doesn't matter, the OP is a lazy journo who hasn't posted since Monday and most threads run away on a different tangent - it's the joy of MN isn't it :)

true, chipping.

AbFab, Xenia left an abusive marriage. Should she have put up with the abuse like a good little wife, then?

My dh wants me to work. He would hate having full responsibility for income. He knows I value my job and we are equal partners in this marriage. If he earned masses of money it may be different, but we will never know..

From your pov, do you want to work? do you value a bit of financial independence? or time to do your own thing? sometimes its not just about money.

It certainly wasn't a very happy marriage although it was longer than most people will have been married on here and I don't tihnk the fact you're divorced means you can't write about relationships. It can be more successful to have left a marriage than isn't working than be in an on-going one which looks good from the outisde but isn't really on the inside.

I wish most couples spend as much money on pre marriage counselling or at least as much time as they do on their wedding. It's why the churches and all major religions are very good because they ensure you do sit down and talk about issues before you marry - all sorts of things -d o you both want children, who will look after them, would you have your elderly parent to live with you, who will clean the house, do you believe in private schools, would you abort a disabled children etc etc. Spend more time on that and less on silly wedding dresses and marriages might last longer.

damn. I should read the thread til the end eh..

I know someone who did a pre-marriage course and broke off her engagement as a result. She married someone else later and was very happy.

Very much agree with Xenia on the importance of discussing things pre-commitment (marriage and/or children), which is why many second marriages can be a lot better than first marriages - people recognise that their underlying (unconscious) assumptions about roles and responsibilities were often the root cause of marital breakdown first time round and want to avoid misunderstandings second time round.

Though I do think you always need to remain open minded. Life is long and all sorts of things happen to us that we could not predict or prepare for.

totally agree about putting all your eggs in one basket / backing one horse

all very well agreeing to stop working and be a dogsbody / sahm combo but if you can't support yourself if he leaves, well, you might well be screwed.

Very much agree with Xenia on the importance of discussing things pre-commitment (marriage and/or children), which is why many second marriages can be a lot better than first marriages - people recognise that their underlying (unconscious) assumptions about roles and responsibilities were often the root cause of marital breakdown first time round and want to avoid misunderstandings second time round.

I can't believe people don't discuss fundamentals such as attitudes to having children/money etc before they get married. DH and me discussed having children on about the second date (though we waited quite a while to have them:)) And we lived together for five years before we got married so it was quite clear what our attitudes were to all sorts of things. I think why people split up is not because they don't know what the other person thinks about something but because the other person fundamentally changes their attitude or in reality it isn't what they purported it to be when the life event, i.e. having kids actually happens.

Agree insomnia- one would hope that most people realise the importance of communication first time around!

Dh has no say over my working life. We discuss things but that's different to him having a say over it. Same goes for me with his work life. I would find it very difficult to be in a relationship with him if he chose not to work long term although he has been a sahp before.

The Maidenhead rabbi's questions are good. You don 't have to be religious to discuss things before jumping into marriage. It might be wise if before registry office weddings people had to attend 2 or 3 sessions like the religions require to discuss things.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-berkshire-13012642
Dr Romain's quiz:

* What is his/her favourite food?
* Does he/she want to have a pet at some stage?
* Does he/she have any allergies?
* What was one of the happiest moments of your partner's life before he/she met you?
* What has been the saddest moment of his/her life so far?
* Does he/she want children and if so, how many and when?
* How often does your partner like to visit his/her family?
* What special family traditions does your partner have that he/she wishes to continue?
* What type of holidays does he/she like best?
* Does your partner believe in saving or spending what he/she earns?
* Do you find it easy to know what birthday present to get him/her?
* Where would he/she like to be living in a few years?
* What person has most influence on him/her apart from you?
* What is his/her greatest regret?
* Does he/she want joint or separate bank accounts or both?
* What type of education does he/she want for any children?
* What is his/her ideal view of the future?
* Are there any habits or characteristics of yours that he/she does not like?
* What would you most like to change about him/her?
* What are the main values he/she has?

Dr Romain's verdict:

Fifteen answers correct - great future ahead!

Nine to 14 answers correct - you're heading in the right direction, but need to start talking about deeper issues in each other's lives before making any commitments.

Fewer than eight correct - Put all your plans on hold until you really know the person you think you know.

I agree witrh Xenia and the like. I never cease to be amazed at Mn threads where, the Op says... and dh is doing this, or .... and what do I do....
And I think to myself, god, did you not think of this before ? Was this not one of your 'life questions' ?

OBVIOUSLY NOT

The persons views on infidelity.
The persons views on money/saving/being frivilous.

= BASICS

Yes, those are exactly the type of questions people would do well to discuss before embarking on children and/or marriage

The breakdown rates for second and subsequent marriages in the UK are even higher than for first marriages, so the evidence suggests people don't tend to learn from getting it wrong either

morloth - um, if you're happy being a SAHM, that's lovely dear, but that's not what we're discussing here.

We're discussing husbands who appear to be of the opinion that it's their decision whether or not their wife works. And even more incredibly, women who appear to think the same thing.

yes to discussing significant opinions,preferences prior to kids and commitment
and most definitely discuss
marriage- yes/no
kids yes/no...when?
childcare, who looks after them?- nanny/nursery/sahp
finances- separate or joint.and how to be split fir mortgage,bills etc
allocation of tasks
education - state or private
behaviours/parenting style

consciously or unconsciously we all have foibles and preferences that impact and surface when in relationship

the rabbi questions are v good,quite grounded like them