to think DH is a cunt and I should come before his family?

[KidsComingOutOfMyEars]

Normally I love him to bits although he is quite selfish and annoying but right now I hate his fucking guts.

I had DC4 8 months ago. I suffer from OCD quite badly and had no idea what it was until last year, just thought I was a nutter for years. DC4 was an unplanned surprise (was diagnosed with OCD about 2 weeks before I found out I was pregnant!) and my OCD has been haywire during the pregnancy and after. Probably because we are in a mess financially. One of my OCD 'traits' is being terrified about being on my own at night as I worry I will sleepwalk and cause harm to my children. Anyone who knows anything about OCD will know that I would never do this but the thought tortures me.

Anyway DH told me about a month ago that he would be going back 'home' (abroad)for a week as his family needed some help with something - nothing urgent or life or death. His brother could have gone next month but No, DH wanted to go. I have been pleading with him not to go at this time. He went alone 18 months ago when my OCD was not quite as bad so it's not as if he has'nt seen them for years. Could not take the DCs as too expensive.

I have had CBT which has not worked really but am currently on a self help programme to get my mind and body fit. It is working slowly and I wanted his support to keep with it, it has been especially hard because of having just had DC4.

Anyway he has gone (yesterday). I could not force him not to go. He just said, 'stop being silly, you'll be fine'. He also told me to go to my parents but they have gone abroad too (which I did not know about until last week).

So here I am in torture and terrified of how I will cope with the week ahead (DCx3 off school as well).

I want to fucking divorce the bastard for totally not giving a shit about my feelings but I can't as then I will be on my own! AIBU to think that he's a selfish prick?

OP sounds perfectly foul from her language and disposition :(

Interesting points, BlueFergie.

A cousin cares for his wife (she has bipolar disorder) and has done for years. I know that caring for a spouse with MH issues is incredibly difficult - if you were to see them you would think it were my cousin who is ill. He is exhausted by it.

So, I guess I can see why he wants to go home. As BelgianBun said, there should have been provision made that the OP had some support during that week before he went though.

BlueFergie if the Ops DH had gone away specifically to help her, I would view him differently. The fact that this is best for OCD sufferers is a side effect of his actions. He went because he wanted to. What was good for her, doesn't appear to have figured. If it had, he wouldn't have left her with no support and 4 DC. She is very much in a sink or swim position.

A good father would not just go, and leave the DC in the sole care of someone who is struggling. What would happen if she didn't cope and her DH and parents are all out of the country. He should have taken the time to at least make sure there was someone available if she needed them.

OP hope you managed the night ok , i think your OCD is being unreasonable , not you the whole person, just that bit that causes your debilitating anxiety. I dont think your DH is being unreasonable for going away for a week to help his family. He is unreasonable if he thinks you can just 'pull yourself together' though.
You will get through this week , because aswell as suffering from OCD ,you are a mother to four children and lets be honest here ,you have little choice ,other than to cope . Get over to the mental health boards and have a vent as and when you need to , im sure you will find plenty of people who are sympathetic to your feelings .
Listen to bluefergie she should get a gold star for her advice

BlueFergie - Dh has never been my carer and my mental health has never 'exhausted' him. I have no idea how your DH reacts to his OCD and how it impacts on you but our relationship is not like that. I have basically kept it hidden for years until I started having panic attacks and physical symptoms of stress a few years ago. The only thing I can think of that may have affected him was my wanting to keep the house clean to protect the DCs from germs (and also the thought stuck in my head that if the house was not pristine, that SS would make an unannounced visit and take the DCs). My cleaning was done while he was at work or in bed though and as he is a clean freak himself, it never seemed to bother him, in fact he used to say that he loved living in a clean house.

I am the 'carer' in this household. I deal with all paperwork, bills, appointments, food and clothes shopping, housework, cooking etc. He goes to work, comes home to a cooked dinner, will maybe clear up the kitchen, bath the older DCs a few times a week (I do the other nights) and hoover round 2/3 times a month. Oh he mows the lawn now but I used to do that as well until I had DC4. He goes to the gym 4 times a week. He visits his siblings who are in this country whenever he wants. FFS the way you are talking, you would think HE is a prisoner to my OCD and that is totally wrong.

I fail to see how he has made compromises either. He did a job for 3 years that involved working away for 2 weeks at a time despite my pleading with him to find another one as I could not sleep. I was bloody exhausted not him. He did not even make any attempt to look for a different one. He last went back home abroad 18 months ago (since we have had DCs, he has been back alone and with all of us most years). He would go more often if we could afford it believe me! In fact, the more I think about it, he has not helped my self esteem either as he has made me feel insignificant to what he wants to do. He thinks of me as being 'weak' and 'pathetic'. Even when we were told our 2nd child had a lethal abnormality and would not survive her birth, he went straight back to work instead of coming home with me to cry about it. 2 months after her stillbirth, our DD had a life threatening illness and because I had to leave the room as I could not stand to see the docs holding her down while they put a tube down her nose which she kept pulling out, he was angry at me for 'letting her down'. In fact, the more I think about it, perhaps I will change the locks.

It sounds like there are a lot of problems in your relationship, Kids. And that he isn't particularly supportive.

I do think that 18mths is a long time to go without going "home" - I have never gone that long.

That is, imo, not the issue though.

It is his disregarding your anxieties, your concerns and his not helping you put a plan into action to ensure that while he is away, you are fine.

And, I think, the fact that as long as his life was not affected by your illness, everything was fine.

Now that he might actually have to adjust his life to accommodate your OCD, he is not happy.

BlueFergie - Dh has never been my carer and my mental health has never 'exhausted' him. I have no idea how your DH reacts to his OCD and how it impacts on you but our relationship is not like that. I have basically kept it hidden for years until I started having panic attacks and physical symptoms of stress a few years ago. The only thing I can think of that may have affected him was my wanting to keep the house clean to protect the DCs from germs (and also the thought stuck in my head that if the house was not pristine, that SS would make an unannounced visit and take the DCs). My cleaning was done while he was at work or in bed though and as he is a clean freak himself, it never seemed to bother him, in fact he used to say that he loved living in a clean house.

I am the 'carer' in this household. I deal with all paperwork, bills, appointments, food and clothes shopping, housework, cooking etc. He goes to work, comes home to a cooked dinner, will maybe clear up the kitchen, bath the older DCs a few times a week (I do the other nights) and hoover round 2/3 times a month. Oh he mows the lawn now but I used to do that as well until I had DC4. He goes to the gym 4 times a week. He visits his siblings who are in this country whenever he wants. FFS the way you are talking, you would think HE is a prisoner to my OCD and that is totally wrong.

I fail to see how he has made compromises either. He did a job for 3 years that involved working away for 2 weeks at a time despite my pleading with him to find another one as I could not sleep. I was bloody exhausted not him. He did not even make any attempt to look for a different one. He last went back home abroad 18 months ago (since we have had DCs, he has been back alone and with all of us most years). He would go more often if we could afford it believe me! In fact, the more I think about it, he has not helped my self esteem either as he has made me feel insignificant to what he wants to do. He thinks of me as being 'weak' and 'pathetic'. Even when we were told our 2nd child had a lethal abnormality and would not survive her birth, he went straight back to work instead of coming home with me to cry about it. 2 months after her stillbirth, our DD had a life threatening illness and because I had to leave the room as I could not stand to see the docs holding her down while they put a tube down her nose which she kept pulling out, he was angry at me for 'letting her down'. In fact, the more I think about it, perhaps I will change the locks.

Also one of the characteristics of OCD is for people to catastrophise and also bring up everything someone has done time and time again if they feel wronged - if you are holding on to all this you must have this bubbling away under the surface all the time. I agree with Fabby when she says that giving into an OCD sufferer on every thing they think they need is a mistake -whether you like it or not it takes its toll on everyone around you.

You have OCD but this is not a carte blanche to control everyone around you - You are being unreasonable if you expect him not to see his family after this long - it has been a year and a half since he saw them and do you seriously expect him just to wait until you give the green light for him to go???? What if you feel panicky at the last moment does he have to cancel then. Your disrespect for your husband and the way he does thins is evident - perhaps your marriage is just shit? Trust me when I tell you OCD is hard to live with even if you are thinking you are hiding it it does takes its toll. Yes of course it is not your fault you are ill but really you have to acknowledge that other people around you have their own private feelings and it is not all about you.

Please go back to the Doctors you are being very unreasonable

karmabeliever I can see where you are coming from and in most scenarios what you say makes sense, but like I said OCD is a ver specific illness. There is no question of the OP sinking, OCD is one of the 'safest' mental illnesses for the sufferer and others around them. Its nature means that the sufferer so fears hurting themselves or others that they go to great lengths to avoid 'danger' situations.
I accept that DH did not go as part of the OPs therapy but you have to appreciate the situation he is in. He is not in a normal marriage where things are discussed and compromises agreed. OCD dictates how he should live his life. Eventually he is going to have to make decisions that do not fall in with what the OCD requires, in the absence of effective therapy this is the only way he or is family will be able to maintain any type of normality. The OPs husband is a person like anyone else with many different demands on his life. He cannot allow his wife's illness rule every aspect of it.
My husband had undiagnosed OCD for many years. For three of these years we lived very far away. He did not like me going away without him either or he without me. In fact he refused to countenance it. My sisters 21st fell during a time of year that he was unable to take time off work. I very much wanted to go home for it, but he refused to to discuss it. There was loads of reasons he gave but they all boiled down to the fact that his anxiety would be unbearable without me. I went anyway. Of course I did not do it for his therapy as we did not have a diagnosis at the time. I knew he would be miserable and anxious without me but also I knew my sister would be devestated for me to miss her party. I was a person with competing demands. There was no negociation or compromise out of the situation. He didn't want me to go and that was it. I had to make a decision on my own and go. We had no children at the time but I don't believe that would have changed anything. i would have still gone.

Hi Kids - I typed the above reply to karma believer before I saw your post. I am going to read yours now.

Bluefergie is absolutely right when she says that although dreadful for the sufferer OCD is a 'safe' MH problem to have for those people around her. Although this is going to be challenging for her the children will be fine so her husband is absolutely right to have gone.

I have read advice about OCD that advises partners/DH not to go along with what the person with OCD wants you to do, if it would not make sesnse if the partner did not have OCD. This is based on the idea that if your OH feels anxious and doesn't want you to go away for a week and so you don't - next time they will be asking you not to go away for 1 night and then for 1 whole day and so on.

In OCD advice the OH who does what their partner asks is often described as an "enabler" who is actually reinforcing the person's OCD fears.

So your OH may have went away as he believes that this is the best thing for you.

Kids - I don't wish to upset you and I am sorry if I have. I am trying to help by giving the perspective of a partner of someone with OCD.
You may very well have kept you OCD hidden for many years very well and it might have had very little impact on your DH. Equally though you may just not be aware of how it impacted your husband when your were in a highly anxious state. I don't think I ever suggested your DH was your carer. Many people with OCD (including you and my DH) are highly functioning. They manage homes and jobs and in my husbands case a successful career. I am not surprised that you are highly competent parent and that you manage everything in the house I don't doubt it for a second - this is why I don't agree with the people that feel you may not cope alone.
However by your own admission your OCD has accelerated (this happened with my DH too) and OCD does not go back to manegable levels once it accelerates without internvention. At the very least since the panic attacks started your husband has had to deal with the OCD to. This is about a year and half or two years? If your OCD won't allow him to be away overnight when do you think he can go? Do you not see what I am saying that perhaps he felt he had to decide as you would never agree to it?
To me it seems your husband does not have a very good understanding of OCD. This is understandable until my husband was diagnosed I had never heard of it. I am sure I was guilty of saying horribly insensitive things like 'pull yourself together' to him as well bacause to me his fears seemed so irrational.
Maybe your relationship has other issues, and your DH is a bad person. I am not in it so I don't know. Or maybe he is a person who is struggling to understand a difficult illness and finding it hard to cope and do the right thing for everyone. When he comes home sit down and talk to him. Tell him you want him to read up and research OCD. He should go and meet your councellor to. Get him that book. If he understands what you are going through it will help you both enormously.
I am sorry again for upsetting you. I will take a step back from this thread as I feel I have said as much as I can and I may be starting to distress you. Good luck.

yes, for example it would be unreasonable to make a partner, I dunno, have a shower immediately after getting in from work or wash their hands excessively just so the OCD sufferer wouldnt worry, or never be away overnight. But I think the husband in this instance has taken the easy option, if he was doing it for any therapeutic purpose he could have taken say, all but one of the kids with him.

kids - very sorry to hear about the stillbirth. sounds like you have had a difficult time

Giddypickle- she had her last child 8 MONTHS not 8 weeks ago!
I dont think he is being unreasonable- you really cannot expect to never be left alone at night, him doing so is only feeding the unreasonable side of your illness.

Kids - I am sorry about your stillbirth as well. that must have been a terrible time for you.

I know your husband saying you are weak and pathetic is awful but I would imagine t is brought on by ignorance of the disease and frustration which is why him informing himself will help

BlueFergie - I am sorry if I came across as abrupt in my last post. Maybe it was not you but someone on the thread mentioned that as a 'carer' Dh must be exhausted and find it hard to cope with my condition but that is not the case. The only difficulty for him is in situations like this. My anxiety is my own, not his. I do look to him for reassurance though.

I still do regard DC4 as 'new'. He is a young baby and needs a lot of care and attention. Even without this condition it would be hard to deal with him alone (with 3 other DCs) and I do appreciate DH coming through the door after work so I can relax and he can keep him occupied and go to him when he cries so I don't keep on having to drop everything to see to him. In another 6 months when he is mobile, it will be easier.

This thread has been helpful. I feel stronger today and need to remember to take one day at a time. Not keep thinking that I have to get through another 5 days as that seems too much!

Not sure there's any need for all the foul language is there? and yes YABU - Imagine your family in the future and one of your DCs have moved abroad and got married, have a family etc. How will you feel when their partners throw a fit because YOU need their help? Give the guy a break and talk to him - CALMLY - when he is back. If this is all it takes for you to call him that, publicly AND say you want a divorce, you need to talk. In the meantime you need to speak to your healthcare provider about what you can do this week to help control your nerves.
Good luck.

KidsComingOutOfMyEars - just read the thread and wanted to say well done to you x

Hope you were ok last night.

How are you doing, Kids? How did you sleep?

Thanks Jamais and Mme. I have been fine . Bed at around midnight, baby wakes me at around 5/6am. It seems to be the thought of going to bed that causes me the anxiety. Once I'm in there, it's not too bad.

I see that my obsessional thinking is starting to change and I have been worrying about there being a fire during the night and not being able to get the kids out of the house on my own so am unplugging every electrical appliance except the fridges and testing the fire alarm before I go to bed. It seems that the worry about harming my kids when I am alone at night has exhausted itself now (now that I have been forced to face it) and my mind has found something else to obssess about . It is weird how the obssessions change. I used to have an obssession about someone breaking into the house at night (when DH used to work away) and murdering us in our beds or me waking up and finding the DCs had been murdered while I was asleep. I finally convinced myself that no one was interested enough in us to murder us and so my mind then searched for something else and came up with ME murdering the DCs in my sleep .

Bloody imagination - like to shoot whoever invented it!

The trouble with mental health issues is that while they are unbelievably draining on the sufferer, they also have a significant impact upon the sufferer's family. It is a drain, usually a continual drain.

So whilst recognising and acknowledging the huge steps you're taking to address your issues, I think you should cut your DH some slack. Let him go without feeling guilty.

I think I have figured out I have a fear of being alone (with the DCs) as all of my obssessions virtually disappear when DH is with me. It's like I don't trust myself with them. My mother told me for most of my childhood that I was evil, nasty, weird etc and even the CBT I have had so far has not shifted that self-image.