Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH is a cunt and I should come before his family?

154 replies

KidsComingOutOfMyEars · 10/04/2011 20:23

Normally I love him to bits although he is quite selfish and annoying but right now I hate his fucking guts.

I had DC4 8 months ago. I suffer from OCD quite badly and had no idea what it was until last year, just thought I was a nutter for years. DC4 was an unplanned surprise (was diagnosed with OCD about 2 weeks before I found out I was pregnant!) and my OCD has been haywire during the pregnancy and after. Probably because we are in a mess financially. One of my OCD 'traits' is being terrified about being on my own at night as I worry I will sleepwalk and cause harm to my children. Anyone who knows anything about OCD will know that I would never do this but the thought tortures me.

Anyway DH told me about a month ago that he would be going back 'home' (abroad)for a week as his family needed some help with something - nothing urgent or life or death. His brother could have gone next month but No, DH wanted to go. I have been pleading with him not to go at this time. He went alone 18 months ago when my OCD was not quite as bad so it's not as if he has'nt seen them for years. Could not take the DCs as too expensive.

I have had CBT which has not worked really but am currently on a self help programme to get my mind and body fit. It is working slowly and I wanted his support to keep with it, it has been especially hard because of having just had DC4.

Anyway he has gone (yesterday). I could not force him not to go. He just said, 'stop being silly, you'll be fine'. He also told me to go to my parents but they have gone abroad too (which I did not know about until last week).

So here I am in torture and terrified of how I will cope with the week ahead (DCx3 off school as well).

I want to fucking divorce the bastard for totally not giving a shit about my feelings but I can't as then I will be on my own! AIBU to think that he's a selfish prick?

OP posts:
BlueFergie · 10/04/2011 21:27

Kids - In your situation, there is never going to be a right time for DH to go away. So it comes down to him wanting to go and you/ your OCD wanting him to stay. You may have a 100 reasons why he can't go at any one time but the real one is that your OCD doesn't want it. if you keep accommadating this fear you reinstate the belief that you need DH with you and this reinforces the OCD and makes it worse.
You ask earlier is it not reasonable to expect him to stay with you every night? the answer even in a normal relationship is no it is not. In an OCD one where it is accomadate a fear it is catastrophic.
You know you won't get better without the proper therapy. this is not going to just go away. your husband has to go home sometime.

LeQueen · 10/04/2011 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shakirasma · 10/04/2011 21:31

Op, whilst I really do sympathize with you and am very sorry you are struggling, I think it is unfair to be calling your husband so badly.

As a mother I can't bear the thought of their coming a time when I don't lay eyes on any of my children for 18 months!

Perhaps your DH feels really torn between being a good husband and father, and also a good son. 18 months really is a long time not to have seen his parents, and whilst he may not have really needed to visit perhaps he just wanted to because he loves them. That doesn't mean he loves you any less.

I do think appropriate support should have been put in place before he left, but I just feel your anger is a bit unfair and unhelpful for either of you.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 10/04/2011 21:31

I think that BlueFergie is writing some very helpful posts, OP. How long have you been suffering with OCD?

BlueFergie · 10/04/2011 21:33

Working on self esteem is always worthwhile but it is not the key to curing OCD. You do not want to follow the most successful form of therapy. I can tell from your posts that you are desperatly trying to avoid facing your fears. Am I right that this is reason CBT did not go well?
You self help approach is exactly the bullshit my husband wanted to do post diagnosis. It is just another avoidance technique so he wouldn't be forces out of the 'comfort' of his thoughts/ rituals. You are in deep denial. you have to see that to have any chance.

SpringHeeledJack · 10/04/2011 21:33

what clam said. Absolutely.

please, please consider moving the thread, OP. People very rarely get objective support in AIBU, ime

MarianneM · 10/04/2011 21:36

Some of the posts here are unbelievable.

The OP and her DH live together, have children together, and yet some posters think he should be allowed to waltz off whenever he wants to, even when his partner (and the mother of his children) asks him not to. And his duty is not to his parents Hmm but to his wife and children!

The lack of empathy here for someone suffering from mental health issues is just nasty.

allnewtaketwo · 10/04/2011 21:38

OP I don't mean to be rude but if you suffer from such anxiety then maybe having 4 kids with someone with such strong ties abroad (and hence the expectation that he would be at some point(s) be travelling to see them alone) wasn't such a good idea?

My parents live abroad and I like to travel often, so have chosen to have # of DCs that I can cope with the travel that come alongside that as a commitment

MarianneM · 10/04/2011 21:40

allnewtaketwo

Confused Hmm Angry

BlueFergie · 10/04/2011 21:40

OP - I do hope you understand what I have been saying, and that you at least think about the points I am making.

I am worried about you as I have seen the tortures OCD inflicts. I know you are struggling, and I am not trying to be harsh with you, just trying to get you to stand up to the bully that OCD is. It will make you tear yourself and your family apart if you let it.

i really have to go now, but I will try to check in later.

Take care and remember don't do anything you would normally do to reassure yourself or reduce anxiety...use this chance to take a big step forward on the path to recovery x

BlueFergie · 10/04/2011 21:41

allnewtaketwo

That is a spectacularly unhelpful post.

FabbyChic · 10/04/2011 21:43

MarianneM I have suffered with anxiety issues and mental health issues for 6 years.

OCD has to be dealt with like PTSD that means facing the fears in order to overcome them.

The OP does not want to face them she wants to hide from them, that is not the right way for it to be treated.

This is a godsend to her as she can now begin to face her fears and hopefully overcome them for the good of her family.

nbyet · 10/04/2011 21:44

On the basis of what you have said OP, your husband is not the problem here. The problem is your OCD. If he were to stay with you, that would be him giving in to your OCD, and that is not what friends and families of OCD sufferers are advised to do. Your OCD should not be ruling your life, nor should it be allowed to rule your husband's life. Of course he should support you, but not by giving in to your OCD. Your fear is hurting your children in your sleep, and so you want your DH to be there at night to protect them. If he were to stay, that would reinforce the idea that you are a danger to your children.

Of course I understand that you want him to be there for you when you are having a tough time, but wanting to help his parents with something is not unreasonable is it?

I definitely recommend that you see a GP and get some medication. It can be very effective in helping you cope with your OCD.

FuppyGish · 10/04/2011 21:46

For those who don't know about OCD and are interested or think its all about handwashing have a look:

Here is one way to think about what having OCD is like:

Imagine that your mind got stuck on a certain thought or image...

Then this thought or image got replayed in your mind over and over again no matter what you did?

You don?t want these thoughts ? it feels like an avalanche?

Along with the thoughts come intense feelings of anxiety?

Anxiety is your brain?s warning system. When you feel anxious, it feels like you are in danger. Anxiety is an emotion that tells you to respond, react, protect yourself, DO SOMETHING!

On the one hand, you might recognize that the fear doesn?t make sense, doesn?t seem reasonable, yet it still feels very real, intense, and true?

Why would your brain lie?

Why would you have these feelings if they weren?t true?

Feelings don?t lie? Do they?

Unfortunately, if you have OCD, they do lie. If you have OCD, the warning system in your brain is not working correctly. Your brain is telling you that you are in danger when you are not.

When scientists compare pictures of the brains of groups of people with OCD, they can see that some areas of the brain are different than the brains of people who don?t have OCD.

Those tortured with OCD are desperately trying to get away from paralyzing, unending anxiety?

MarianneM · 10/04/2011 21:51

FabbyChic

You may be right but I don't think the OP's DH just leaving when she asked him not to is the right way to treat her condition either.

LeQueen · 10/04/2011 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blackeyedsusan · 10/04/2011 21:59

i think your dh is being a bit unreasonable. you are ill. just because you can't see it from the outside doesn't make you less ill. when he married you, he took you in sickness and in health. he seems to only want the health bit.

it is not unreasinable for him to go away if and only if between you you had managed to organise the help you needed. when you married, you should have become his first priority... that doesn't mean he can't see his family, but that your well being and now the childrens need to come first. different if it was an emergency.

I'm sorry to say that some people do not recognise mental illnesses in the same way as physical. i think if you had posted that you were physically disabled in some way and couldn't manage to put the children to bed or something, more people would be saying he was unreasonable...

Original poster
KidsComingOutOfMyEars · 10/04/2011 22:01

FuppyGish - your last sentence sums me up perfectly.

OP posts:
BlueFergie · 10/04/2011 22:06

'I don't think the OP's DH just leaving when she asked him not to is the right way to treat her condition'

MarianneM - You are wrong. If you knew anything about OCD you would know it is the EXACT right way to treat her condition

Original poster
KidsComingOutOfMyEars · 10/04/2011 22:08

I know I shall be fine. I can keep up the facade for the DCs that I have always kept up.

allnewtaketwo When I met my DH and had DCs with him, I never imagined in my wildest dreams, the torturous journey my mind would take me on. I know I had OCD when I was a kid because of the cleaning rituals/counting/not walking on the cracks in the pavement type of things I used to. The intrusive thoughts are what I would not wish on anybody though and I did not have them then or I would never had had DCs. In fact I probably would not be here today if I DID'NT have DCs. HTHs.

OP posts:
applechutney · 10/04/2011 22:09

Bluefergie, you have made some really interesting and insightful posts.

OP, I truly hope you are gaining some help from this thread.

AS for allnewtaketwo, words fail me. Hmm

Adversecamber · 10/04/2011 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FuppyGish · 10/04/2011 22:11

Its a horribly debilitating illness KidsC.

I would really recommend going back to the dr and looking at starting medication (when your husband comes back as the medication can make the anxiety worse at first). Citalopram works for me, Prozac sent me loopy with anxiety. It may take you a while to find the right one, but when you do it will really help you.

I do agree re needing to confront your fears. The more you fear the smaller and smaller your world gets. CBT and/or the ADs will give you your life back and that in turn will help your DH/DC.

I remember when my first dd was born I was terrified as I used to sleep walk and I worried I'd throw her out the window when I was asleep. I had to get dh to tie a rope around the window and a large chest of drawers so it couldnt be opened (even though it was locked I thought I might find the key in my sleep) Blush It sounds insane to be now looking back, and I really did think I was going mad, that was my greatest fear. And also 'well if i'm worried that I might throw her out the window when i'm asleep does that mean secretyly I want to throw her out the window?' and on and on my mind went.

I remember what it was like and I offer you lots of hugs. You will get through this week. And then you need to have a proper sit down talk with DH.

Adversecamber · 10/04/2011 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
KidsComingOutOfMyEars · 10/04/2011 22:15

Adversecamber - thanks - I can take it. I posted in AIBU to get more replies and I know the score here Wink. I suppose I also kind of hoped that someone else with OCD would 'come out' and reassure me as well. BlueFergie you know us OCDers too well. I agree with what you say completely and I am being forced to face my fears but DH did not do this for that purpose. I needed more time before being thrown in the deep end. Not to mention the absolute relentlessness of looking after 4 DCs and DC4 never wanting to be out of my arms all day.

Most importantly, while he is away I cannot go to the bloody gym!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread