to think DH is a cunt and I should come before his family?

[KidsComingOutOfMyEars]

Normally I love him to bits although he is quite selfish and annoying but right now I hate his fucking guts.

I had DC4 8 months ago. I suffer from OCD quite badly and had no idea what it was until last year, just thought I was a nutter for years. DC4 was an unplanned surprise (was diagnosed with OCD about 2 weeks before I found out I was pregnant!) and my OCD has been haywire during the pregnancy and after. Probably because we are in a mess financially. One of my OCD 'traits' is being terrified about being on my own at night as I worry I will sleepwalk and cause harm to my children. Anyone who knows anything about OCD will know that I would never do this but the thought tortures me.

Anyway DH told me about a month ago that he would be going back 'home' (abroad)for a week as his family needed some help with something - nothing urgent or life or death. His brother could have gone next month but No, DH wanted to go. I have been pleading with him not to go at this time. He went alone 18 months ago when my OCD was not quite as bad so it's not as if he has'nt seen them for years. Could not take the DCs as too expensive.

I have had CBT which has not worked really but am currently on a self help programme to get my mind and body fit. It is working slowly and I wanted his support to keep with it, it has been especially hard because of having just had DC4.

Anyway he has gone (yesterday). I could not force him not to go. He just said, 'stop being silly, you'll be fine'. He also told me to go to my parents but they have gone abroad too (which I did not know about until last week).

So here I am in torture and terrified of how I will cope with the week ahead (DCx3 off school as well).

I want to fucking divorce the bastard for totally not giving a shit about my feelings but I can't as then I will be on my own! AIBU to think that he's a selfish prick?

My counsellor wanted me to take 'risks' but always very small steps, so leave the house after checking things only once, and leave for say 30 mins, resisting the urge to go back. Then next day do it for 45mins, etc.

Don't think they would advocate a whole week as a first step!

Anyway, hope you get some sleep x

YANBU at all OP! I totally get where you're coming from. Of course you should come first, that is what marriage is all about.

'I'm sorry to say that some people do not recognise mental illnesses in the same way as physical.'

Never a truer word said....

agree with the broad gist of Bluefergie's posts, but do agree with fuppy, that counsellors/psychologists doing CBT would follow some form of graded exposure programme, so a week alone would not be a likely first step.

Kids - keep up the exercise anyway, if needs be lock yourself in your room with an exercise DVD on the computer (the 10 minute series ones are OK, that you can get for about £4 at the supermarket).

I've had OCD all my life, and I think Fuppygishs post of 21:46 sums it up brilliantly.

The general background anxiety levels are like other peoples top levels of stress, and it's relentless.

When you confront your OCD should be your choice OP, and you obviously don't feel able to at the min.

I'm not at all surprised by the way some posters have responded, I've never been short of people trying to belittle and brush off the way I feel just because they can't feel it too.

I'm not sure how you can help your DH to feel compassion for the way you feel, he's obviously minimising it, possibly because he doens't understand the scale of emotions you feel with OCD which are uncontrollable.

He's not a cunt and you're not a nutter, and I disagree with the idea that you should fight OCD off. I know it can be seen as a bully, but it's still a part of yourself, I say this as I found it easier to live with once I accepted it as who I am.

Thanks TC - I have the Zumba DVD set and the 30 Day Shred DVD sitting by the TV if DC4 will ever sleep for more than 10 minutes! I like the gym as I can loose myself in the exercise and have two hours completely to myself. It really helps.

Kidscomingout: You can do it. You'll be fine. You can be proud to have got through it at the end of the week. Good luck.

Kids - I know your DH did not go for the purposes of your treatment, but what he did do was put something else ahead of your OCD, and this is what needs to be done in order for it to be challanged. Your DH for may years will have been making many compromises to accommodate your OCD. He will not have realised many of them at the time and probably still does not. He has got to a point where out of sheer frustration he has had to directly taken a head on challenge to one of your principal fears. He has refused to let it dictate his life to the extent where he cannot go to his family for a period of years.
I appreciate that this is a challenge, but I don't think you are being honest with yourself saying it was more time you needed. On your current trajectory you would never have been ready for it. You have the diagnosis almost a year and a half. You are avoiding CBT because you don't want to challenge your OCD. You are talking about self help but the main purpose of this is to be easy on yourself and you know it. Your husband decision has been foisted on him because there is no other way for him to go. he has to challange the restrictions you place on him head on.
BTW when he gets back he should read this book I recommended to. You won't want him to (my husband hated the fact I could see through the ocd manipulation techniques) but if you are serious about getting better and improving life for your family you need him to understand how to help you fight the OCD.

Being honest OP i think you need to get straight to the doctor and get an urgent referral to the mental health team. do not leave until you have it. you are suffering from a severe mental illness that needs proper professional care. you seem to be in a horrible situation with poor support. I am not going to comment on your relationship but i just want to ask you to get some help. there is help out there.

Thanks maighdlin - I was just on my way upstairs to bed. Now you've reminded me I have a 'severe mental health' problem so won't sleep now! I have already been to my GP numerous times and am under the mental health team who I have had CBT with.

I will go back to my GP though and ask for more CBT. I only had 12 sessions. ADs are off limits to me. I cannot go through that hell again.

I suffer from terrible anxiety and slight OCD tendencies and think you are being very U.

Yanbu

to leave you alone and just tell you blithely not to be silly when you are mentally ill is very unfair.

Springchicken is right - taking a unilateral decision to leave you alone with 4 children for a week would be shit even if OCD wad going to mean it wad a week of torture.

If he needed a break he should have helped put some arrangement in place that would have made this bearable for you.

Even if OCD wasn't going to mean it was a week of torture

Ah really sorry just re read your OP and realised baby is only 8 months old. YANBU, he should not be leaving you to deal with so much responsibility alone at this time.

Many have stated that they can't believe the lack of empathy for the op.

Well I am also shocked at the lack of empathy for the op's husband.

How many of you have been the main carer for someone with mental illness? It is gruelling at times and carers need a lot of support too, yet his parents (and therefore most likely his primary support) are abroad and he has not seen them for 18 months.

Maybe his decision to go regardless is a big indicator that he is not coping and is in fact crying out for help.

I am the sole support for my best mate who suffers PTSD. She suffers bouts of suicidal depression and if it weren't for my wonderful husband I would have cracked up by now. I had a month off work with stress and she was one of the major causes. And I don't even have to live with her.

So a little more empathy for all invalid might be nice.

For all involved

I hope you are OK this morning Kids. I am pleased to see you will give counselling and CBT another go.

I have been thinking about you and your DH and I understand what peole are saying about him being U to leave you in normal circumstances never mind when you have a MH issue to deal with. I understand why they are saying this but I am coming at it from the perspective of a partner of someone with OCD. Of course it would have been better for him to go for one night first and I am sure this is what a counsellor would have recommended, but your DH is not a counsellor. He is just trying to balance the demands of life with family abroad and a wife and young family at home. In a normal relationship you and DH would have sat down and worked out a time and way for him to go home at some point that worked best for you all. However the OCD would not allow you to do this. Its start and end position was 'you can not leave me for a night ever'. You expected that not only he should accommadate your OCD but that is brother would too by going next month instead.
You were not partaking in therapy so your prospects of getting better where minimal and so were his prospects of ever getting you to agree to him going. I have been where he is. Sometimes you do have to say 'it is your OCD making these demands. they are unerasonable. I cannot live my life like this. I have to do all the other things that life demands and not spend it accommodating your OCD'. In the end he had to make a unilateral decision because there was no other way for him to go.
Others are right that counsellors look for OCD sufferers to make small gradual steps in challanging their anxieties, this is often because it is the only way the sufferers will agree. I have never heard of them making similiar demands of sufferers friends and families. Everything I have read and heard said that you should not assist in avoidance or offer any reassurance.

Hope you are OK. I have to go get the kids ready now but I wil check in with you after the school run.

Interesting from
Blue fergie

I can understand your resentment and irritation -- my DH went "home" (also abroad) for a week when I was seven and a half months pregnant. I was pissed off with him and could have done without it but I could see that there were reasons it needed to be done then and I was OK so I sucked it up. I think you are over-reacting somewhat by calling him abusive names. He has taken a calculated risk that you will be OK, because he has to juggle your needs with those of family, rather than callously dumping you. Calling him a c* is not going to help him see your perspective.

The OP and her DH live together, have children together, and yet some posters think he should be allowed to waltz off whenever he wants to, even when his partner (and the mother of his children) asks him not to. And his duty is not to his parents hmm but to his wife and children!

The lack of empathy here for someone suffering from mental health issues is just nasty.

It's really hard being the carer- they need empathy as well- DH suffers from depression and it affects everyone around him, not just him, just as the OP's problems are just not her's they will be her DH's and her children's as well. It's a huge responsibility to have someone so dependent on you.

Her DH may have come to the end of his tether and needed a break, to stop him walking out for good. I go through stages of feeling very resentful towards DH and what it is doing to our life at the moment and there have been times where I wanted to go away for a break.

Blue - not deliberately ignoring your post - much I agree with, a few things I would say differently - but think we need to try and move the OP from the contentious stuff, what's done is done re:DH being away, and embroiling herself in AIBU fights is not likely to help her anyway (and yes of course by giving the thread this title OP does have some responsibility for setting the tone of the thread).

I don't think your husband should have gone. When you have DC, you can't just bugger off for a week and leave all the childcare to the person at home, especially if they have asked you not to go. It's selfish. The DC are as much his responsibility as yours, not that you'd know it from his behaviour.

I also think that in a marriage you should put each other first, and caring for your sick partner should take priority over whatever else you want to do. The OPs husband didn't go away to help her, he went because he wanted to and his attitude to the OP was pretty much 'tough luck, get on with it'. Hardly compassionate or caring towards a person with mental health issues.

The OP also says he has been pretty unsupportive over the years.

OP - his going away will show you that you can cope without him. In your position I'd be calling him all sorts of names too. I think people often accept selfish behaviour from their partners, but it's up to you where you go from here. I'd be tempted to change the locks since you don't seem to be getting a lot out of this relationship. Alternatively, start putting yourself first and don't go out of your way to accommodate what he wants above your own desires. In other words, treat him the way he treats you.

Gosh, there are some unhelpful posts on here.

If Kids had posted "AIBU to be furious with my DH for leaving me alone with 4 DC, one just 8 months olds, to go home to his family for a week", without mentioning her MH problems, I am sure she would have had very different responses.

My DH and I come from different countries and now live in a third. It is clear that there are times that we shall have to go home, leaving the DC with the other partner. We schedule the trips so that the person left at home has support available.

I feel for the op in this situation. My XH went back to his country for 6 whole weeks when DS was only 4 months old. I was fuming, even though I do not suffer from OCD or any other mental health problems. I felt abandoned and isolated.

It was this kind of selfishness that has ended our relationship.

On the flip side, he ended up suffering from depression, and I can tell you it is no fun living with a person with mental health issues. In the end, I did not sign up to be a carer, and to never have my needs met because he was suffering. I just had to suck it up, even when he left us penniless and homeless. So, I can kind of sympathise with your DH too. It can't be easy for him if he feels under pressure to always put your needs first.

MmeSurivedLent I agree with you. In a normal relationship a unilateral decision by one partner to leave another alone with 4 kids would be a terrible think to do. But this is not a normal realtionship and it is a mistake to view it throught the prism of one. This realtionshsip has been completely distorted by OCD. OP's DH had to take a unilateral decision has it was the only option open to him. Her unilateral position was you are not going to your family and this position was never going to change has her OCD would not allow it.

karmabeliever OCD is a very specific type of mental illness and it seems clear from your post that you do not know much about it. 'Supporting' OCD sufferers by giving in to their demands and thereby (temporarily) reducing thier anxiety is the worst thing you can do to help them. It is guaranteed to make them sicker. I would read the OP saying he was unsupportive through the perspective of her OCD and would take this to mean that he has not given in to other demands or done other things that her OCD requires of him. OCD sufferers will accuse you of being unsupportive if you do this (as you are not helping reduce their anxiety) but being unsupportive of OCD habits is the best thing you can do.