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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH is a cunt and I should come before his family?

154 replies

KidsComingOutOfMyEars · 10/04/2011 20:23

Normally I love him to bits although he is quite selfish and annoying but right now I hate his fucking guts.

I had DC4 8 months ago. I suffer from OCD quite badly and had no idea what it was until last year, just thought I was a nutter for years. DC4 was an unplanned surprise (was diagnosed with OCD about 2 weeks before I found out I was pregnant!) and my OCD has been haywire during the pregnancy and after. Probably because we are in a mess financially. One of my OCD 'traits' is being terrified about being on my own at night as I worry I will sleepwalk and cause harm to my children. Anyone who knows anything about OCD will know that I would never do this but the thought tortures me.

Anyway DH told me about a month ago that he would be going back 'home' (abroad)for a week as his family needed some help with something - nothing urgent or life or death. His brother could have gone next month but No, DH wanted to go. I have been pleading with him not to go at this time. He went alone 18 months ago when my OCD was not quite as bad so it's not as if he has'nt seen them for years. Could not take the DCs as too expensive.

I have had CBT which has not worked really but am currently on a self help programme to get my mind and body fit. It is working slowly and I wanted his support to keep with it, it has been especially hard because of having just had DC4.

Anyway he has gone (yesterday). I could not force him not to go. He just said, 'stop being silly, you'll be fine'. He also told me to go to my parents but they have gone abroad too (which I did not know about until last week).

So here I am in torture and terrified of how I will cope with the week ahead (DCx3 off school as well).

I want to fucking divorce the bastard for totally not giving a shit about my feelings but I can't as then I will be on my own! AIBU to think that he's a selfish prick?

OP posts:
SpringHeeledJack · 10/04/2011 21:00

there's a huuuuge difference between 'overnight' and 'for a week'- and overseas, too, so no means of getting home quickly.

porto · 10/04/2011 21:02

Call Samaritans to try to get them to calm you down if you're feeling panicked. Or there's an organisation called Anxiety UK who have a telephone helpline to talk you down if you're panicking. They also offer phone counselling at a very cheap rate.
I agree your husband should be more supportive. People don't realise it's an illness.

Original poster
KidsComingOutOfMyEars · 10/04/2011 21:03

NO LeQueen - OCD can present itself in many ways and I have gone through all the stages, cleaning etc. The intrusive thoughts are a relatively new thing since DH worked away (for 2 weeks at a time) 5 years ago. They come and go according to my stress levels. He has changed job since, not because I was suffering though, just another job came up where he did not have to go away.

As I have already said he left me for a week 18 months ago and I was fine. He knows that I have been suffering since I had DC4 though so I don't think I am being unreasonable in asking him to not go this time. He did not HAVE to go and I thought marriage was about in SICKNESS and health and all that. I AM trying to help myself get better and in 6 months I could have handled it better.

OP posts:
ballstoit · 10/04/2011 21:03

Kids - would you like help making a plan for tomorrow? Do you have transport/ food/ friends available for the week?

Will be on and off most of the day as my DC dont break up for easter til next week if things are tough and you want someone to unload to.

Goodynuff · 10/04/2011 21:04

OP, I am worried about this thread in combination with another you posted about you and your DH having no friends . You think he is a cunt, you hate his fucking guts at the moment, you couldn't force him not to go, you talk about divorce. It really sounds like you could use some more professional help. Is there a community nurse, or HV you could talk to about some coping measures?
Perhaps your DH needs a chance to be away from the pressure, to talk with other adults. It isn't reasonable to expect someone to spend every single night with you. I hope things are better for you soon.

K999 · 10/04/2011 21:05

Try and cling on to the fact that he went away 18months ago and you were fine...keep that thought when you're really struggling...Smile

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 10/04/2011 21:05

Get back to the doc's OP, and keep pestering them until you get some effective treatment. You sound like you're in a bad place, and you don't have to be. As for calling your husband a cunt and 'He went alone 18 months ago when my OCD was not quite as bad so it's not as if he has'nt seen them for years', I think that if you were well you would see that you are being unfair.

scurryfunge · 10/04/2011 21:05

this is an excellent site

Original poster
KidsComingOutOfMyEars · 10/04/2011 21:06

Goodynuff - it is not reasonable to expect my DH to sleep in the same as house as me every night? Am I really asking too much?

OP posts:
youcangetpregnantstandingup · 10/04/2011 21:06

Kids, please post this on Mental Health. I really feel for you and you sound very scared and worried, and reasonably so.

However you're not going to get the constructive advice and kind support you need at this time from everyone on here - some of the posters on here are vicious and will take pleasure in kicking you when you're down. Please go on to the Mental Health board, you won't get replies as quickly but you will get them.Please also ignore the cruel and unkind posters who have suggested you are a risk to your kids and focus on the kinder posts.

For what it's worth it sounds like your DH is being very U and unsupportive. If one of his relatives was at death's door I would understand but you and your kids are his first priority and to leave you with four children and a mental health problem that is causing you anguish is unfair. I understand why you are so angry with him - I would be too. Of course his family are important but not if it's going to cause you this misery.

I don't have specific experience of OCD but I too hate being alone at night and dread it when it comes around so I can really empathise. All I can say is that I am sure you know deep down your fears of waking and harming the children are just that - fears - that have no basis in reality and you know that is something that would never actually happen. I felt a bit like this when youngest DD was born and was afraid I would unintentionally hurt her by accident. You have to almost 'train' your mind to shut down as soon as those unhelpful thoughts start to fill it and move onto a more positive subject. It takes a bit of willpower but it does work.

Hope you are ok.xx

MarianneM · 10/04/2011 21:07

OCD or not he sounds a prize twat. You have 4 children together. You feel vulnerable. You asked him not to go, he did. Total and utter idiot.

TotalChaos · 10/04/2011 21:08

playing devil's advocate - wonder how many fathers of 4 young children would object to being left with the kids irregardless of MH issues whilst their partner visited family - probably quite a lot...

BlueFergie · 10/04/2011 21:09

OP - My DH has OCD. Like you he had it for years before diagnosis and also like you his takes the format of intrusive thoughts. Let me tell you it was a massive drain on me. He needed me to do certain things and to stay at home rather than go out as this would increase his anxieties. What you said in your last post is nearly word for word what he would (and sometimes still does) say to me. 'You know how anxious I am about it and that I will suffer sleepless nights, high anxiety etc. I would not do this to YOU if YOU were in my situation' and getting angry that I 'totally disregarded his feelings' as he saw it.
I am quite well read on OCD and have also supported my DH through a lot of therapy. I know that the most effective technique where the sufferer is forced to 'face their fears' and do the things they are terrified of. It is very difficult thing to do and a huge proportion of OCD sufferers can't manage it. I suspect that the reason you feel CBT won't work for you is bacause this approach has been propsed and you feel you can't cope with it.
Your anger at your husband is driven by your OCD and is because you have not managed to manipulate him into accommadating your fears (I don't use the word manipulate in a nasty way it is one of the traits of OCD that it forces the sufferer to manipulate and bully those around them to accomadate their unusaul and inconvenient requests).
You quote all the reasons why your DH should not go away but the only reason that matters to you really is because your OCD doesn't want him to, everything else is an excuse.
FOr what it is worth in your DH has done exactly the right thing and in his situation I would (and have) done the same thing. You must see this as an opportunity to prove to your OCD that it is wrong. Do not get anyone else to come stay (this is just another avoidance measure), do not do anything that helps reduce your anxiety (rituals, checking, prayers, thought patterns, whatever). Let you anxiety decrease itself naturally as you see each morning that the children are safe. It will get easier as the week goes on and in the long run it will help you get better, while avoidance measures like frocing your husband to stay just makes you worse.

Original poster
KidsComingOutOfMyEars · 10/04/2011 21:10

TotalChaos - exactly. I would never even think of leaving him for a week although I could do with it a lot more than he could.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 10/04/2011 21:11

Sometimes you have to face your demons or you cannot over come them. It could be the making of you being left to survive on your own for a week, it might well turn your life around.

Northernlurker · 10/04/2011 21:12

total - no actually I think you are doing most parents a disservice there. Broadly there is an expectation that parents will cope alone sometimes - as lone parents do of course.

OP - you can search this site to find couples who never have the odd night away from each other but I think you'll find very few. It is not the exectation of most people that they will never have nights apart - work, family and pleasure/leisure all require it some time.

Original poster
KidsComingOutOfMyEars · 10/04/2011 21:13

Bluefergie - thanks. My Dh did not go to make me make my fears though, he did it because he bloody wanted to!

OP posts:
BlueFergie · 10/04/2011 21:14

Kids - I second the recommendation for the book Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It is excellent.
From your postings I suspect you have a long way to go in accepting your illness and getting an awareness of it that you need. Other posters are looking at it from their own pov ie ' you are scared and feel vulnerable he should support you'. In normal relationships this may well be the case but this is not a normal realtionship because you have OCD and it is distorting everything. Unconditional support of the fears of the OCD sufferer is disasterous and only leads to things getting worse and worse.

Goodynuff · 10/04/2011 21:15

In this case, where his family is not near by, it would be normal to expect that once in a while, (ie, once in 18 months, or 2 years) he will be away over night.
The point I was trying to make is that combined with the lack of friends, it can be very isolating.
I suffer from anxiety issues myself, and I am not trying to dismiss how you are feeling. I am saying that you seem so very angry over something that is not bad behaviour. The kind of rage in your posts is usually found when someone has found their spouse cheating, or gambling or laying hands....
That is why I asked if you could find some help.

BlueFergie · 10/04/2011 21:15

x posted with the last post.

that may well be so Kids BUT that doesn't change the fact that it is the right thing to do and you shoudl use it as an opportunity to help you get better (I know how difficult it will be by the way)

Northernlurker · 10/04/2011 21:16

KIds - why isn't your dh allowed to want to do things?

clam · 10/04/2011 21:19

Think the OP is getting a hard time here. Probably the wrong "department" to post in.
I know very little about OCD or mental health issues, but I do know that if my DH was ill or suffering in any way, I would absolutely not jump on a plane to go away anywhere, family or not, leaving him upset, anxious and distressed and with 4 kids to cope with during school holiday time. And that this DH has done this to the OP means that she is not unreasonably furious with him and feeling tremendously hurt.

TotalChaos · 10/04/2011 21:20

regardless of the rights or wrongs of DH's decision I do think that the anger will be unhelpful to getting through the week- given OCD is an anxiety disorder, the anger will probably be more fuel and you need to try and, if not relax, at least aim for a bit of distraction, fave books/telly/mags etc. Must confess that at my worst I found just lying down and staring at the ceiling helped a bit, as it reduced visual stimuli etc.

Original poster
KidsComingOutOfMyEars · 10/04/2011 21:25

Goodynuff - I am angry and I am expressing it here rather than in real life. He has been pretty unsupportive over the years and sees my OCD as something I should be able to shut off and 'pull myself together' this was before we knew what it was.

We are isolated, a lot of that is because we have moved a lot, and more because my self esteem is at rock bottom (probably because I have thought of myself as an absolute nutter for a long time). I am now working to improve my self esteem and start 'loving' myself which I believe is the key to overcoming the living hell I have been trapped in. I have never stopped DH having friends though (he does have mates from work) and my OCD has never been that bad that anyone else has ever picked up on it (not even family). I have never been emotionally 'needy'.

It has been MY own personal hell and now I am finally trying to do something for myself (always put myself last) I expect him to help me, not throw me out of the frying pan into the fire.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 10/04/2011 21:26

Her husband is her crutch. By allowing that to continue she will never recover.

You have to take away the crutch so that she can stand on her own two feet.

I do suffer with Mental Health issues and am well aware of how much we rely on others to make our lives better.

Whilst we do that we never get better we in fact feed our fears and our issues.

He has taken away the food, she is now making her situation worse by panicking.