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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the world has gone mad?

237 replies

macdoodle · 10/04/2011 18:33

or AIBU??
We live in a quiet residential cul de sac. lots of children. DD1 (9) and her friends are going round offering to wash cars. DD2 (3) is with them.
They have just come in saying a neighbour (one I don't know) has told them to come in and put some knickers/trousers on DD2 Shock
She was wearing a long Tshirt and wellies Grin, she had been playing in the garden with no pants on. I thought nothing of it TBH, she is 3 FGS.
Surely its his own filthy mind he should be worried about rather than my 3yr old??
I don't know AIBU?? I've put some trousers on her now.

OP posts:
violethill · 10/04/2011 23:19

YouaretooniceNOT - very good point.
I am also wondering why, if the OP REALLY thinks the man has a filthy mind, she let her dds go back and wash his car? You see, if I really thought someone had an unhealthy mind, I wouldnt be sending my 9 and 3 yr old girls round to play. Which leads me to suspect that the OP doesn't really believe what she wrote- shes just trying to make some sort of sensationalist statement rather than accept that the neighbours might not want to see her childs genitalia

Mousesmummy · 10/04/2011 23:30

Would never leave my 9yo in charge of my 3yo - outside or inside - clothed or not - YABU

ifaistos · 10/04/2011 23:49

I don't think YABU, and am surprised by how many do. I'm finding the responses a bit weird - both the idea that a naked baby is undignified and that kids ringing on neighbours' doors are a disturbance. Just sounds like a friendly neighbourhood to me. We used to do that kind of thing all the time. Maybe it's a cultural thing (I grew up abroad partly), or a sign of the times, I don't know. In any case, I agree OP, it's rather sad.

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 10/04/2011 23:53

ifastos.....a baby is not a three yearr old. And kids should not be ringing on doors asking for work....which is why the OPs kids were asking to wash cars...a three year old should not be assisting 9 year olds in this kind of enterprise anyway!

violethill · 10/04/2011 23:59

And you don't find it a bit weird that the op jumps to the conclusion that the man has a filthy mind, but lets her girls go back to wash his car anyway?!

FudgeGirl · 11/04/2011 00:12

It's not a nine year old's job to look after a three year old. Ever. And for however long a time. And certainly not outside of the house, cul de sac or not.

If the nine year old from up the road turned up with her baby sister asking to wash my car, I might say yes just to humour them, I might even give them a pound each for doing it.

But I would be quietly shocked that their mother was letting them (the little one in particular) out to do that, and if I'd noticed the baby hadn't got any pants on I would have definitely asked the older one to take her home and put some pants and trousers on and come back to do the car, and I'd watch them wash the car too to make sure they were safe.

And I'm a 30yo woman, not a man with a "dirty mind" Confused

ifaistos · 11/04/2011 00:18

Skinniting, ok but I don't find a naked toddler undignified or offensive either. At some stage children generally start to feel awkward about being naked in public and I would say that's the cut off point dignity-wise.

Violethill I think the OP's mention of filthy mind wasn't really the point of the post. But I sort of see what she means. Personally given that the sight of a naked toddler doesn't shock me I do think it's a bit strange to draw attention to it by specifically telling the kid to put on some pants. But I get what people are saying about accusations and suspicion that men have to endure nowadays too.

YouaretooniceNOT · 11/04/2011 00:20

ifaistos - YABU!

violethill · 11/04/2011 00:27

I think using the phrase 'filthy mind' was exactly the point of the post actually. The op didn't say she thought the man was just being awkward, or prudish - she said he ought to worry more about his filthy mind than whether her daughter wears pants. Thats a pretty strong point to make, and if she is really standing by that, then I cannot begin to understand why she let her daughters go back and do the car

pingu2209 · 11/04/2011 00:38

Well your neighbour was either very prudish or was worried for his reputation and felt it was inappropriate to have a strangers child half naked in his garden.

ifaistos · 11/04/2011 00:44

I can't speak for the OP as to the real point of her post. But I read it as her being surprised that people would care if a toddler is out with no pants on, rather than as a serious accusation about her neighbour.

Youaretoonicenot - which bit are you referring to?

Morloth · 11/04/2011 00:44

Dear God I would love for a kid to come and offer to wash my car right now. DS1 is too short.

Knickers on though, knickers only is fine, but I do think at the very least bottoms covered.

LDNmummy · 11/04/2011 00:48

YABU, I would NEVER send my DC around the neighbour's houses like that.

messybessie · 11/04/2011 07:26

I had a going to work naked dream last night thanks to you!

And for what it's worth YABU, for the clothes and the neighbours.

Bucharest · 11/04/2011 07:36

I don't think it's the man who has a filthy mind tbh. I think the OP is another paedo-noic.
I do find it very odd (and I am no paedo-noic myself) that anyone would send a child round to other people's houses with their bum showing.

alfiesmadmother · 11/04/2011 07:44

pants on def.

exoticfruits · 11/04/2011 07:55

What's the maximum size cotton wool comes in??

I don't think that it comes big enough! The DCs were 9yrs and there were 2 of them for one 3 yr old in a small cul de sac in sight of their own home!! When I was 9 yrs we didn't ask to clean cars we asked to wheel the neighbourhood babies around our cul de sac and surprisingly enough no one thought it weird-the mothers could see us and their babies and they let us! We wheeled them around and took them back. I took my 3 yr old brother to the village shop at that age. I feel so sad that DCs don't get this-they are infantised and not trusted to look after DCs until 18yrs and there are some people on here who would even employ an 18yr old babysitter!

I still just think the man was being careful-and who can blame him. Start a thread AIBU to send my knickerless 3 yr around to a neighbour that I don't really know and at least half would say they wouldn't do it. You can't on one hand not trust people and on the other say it is perfectly normal for 3 yr olds to wander around half dressed-you need to be consistent.

CheerfulYank · 11/04/2011 08:03

I don't think there's anything wrong with a 3 year old toddling around a cul de sac with 4 older girls.

I don't think there's anything wrong with a three year old running around naked in her own yard.

But if I were a man and a bunch of little girls I didn't know came to my house, and one of them were bottomless, I would worry.

One of the neighbors could be a cats bum mouth busy-body who would spread it round that half-naked little girls in his yard. And as other people mentioned, since he doesn't know the OP, how did he know she was aware of her daughter's whereabouts? She could be a crazy paedo-sighter for all he knows, and could come running up shrieking at him at any moment.

There is a girl in our neighborhood who would often go to the park with DS, DH, and I. (She was about 9.) She would always try to hold DH's hand, rub his back, ask him for a piggy back ride, etc. I told DH that under no circumstances should he take her to the park without me, because sadly enough all it takes is a rumor.

OP, YANBU to let your daughters out to play, nor are YABU to let your daughter play naked on your own property.

YABU to say this man has a "filthy mind" and to let your daughter wander around to neighbors she doesn't know with no pants.

IMO. :)

Bucharest · 11/04/2011 08:09

Agreed.

9yr old+3 yr old in cul de sac is not the issue here.

In all honesty,neither is the pant-less child. It's the assumption from the OP that it's the neighbour in the wrong.

exoticfruits · 11/04/2011 08:11

It is sad, but you have to be very careful these days. When my DCs were little they made friends at the park but my DH was very careful not to offer them sweets when he gave out DCs a sweet-purely because it could be misconstrued. If I was a man, while quite happy to have small DCs running around nude, or semi nude,but I would play safe and not have them in my garden. When people won't even let a 6 yr old boy use the gents by themselves because of ,largely, groundless fears it is double standards to say that the man is being a problem because he is aware of people fears.

gorionine · 11/04/2011 08:13

Exotic, I hear what you are saying but things change whith time. I know that a lot of things I used to enjoy as a child are absolute no-nos today. Things like no seat bealt in cars (let alone car seats or boosters) actually traveling in the boot of the car, being left on our own a the swimming pool from the age of about 6, to name just a few would be unthinkable now, I think it is the same with letting a buch of 9yo tour the neighbourhood to wash cars while looking after a 3yo.

I do admit to strugle with the concept of "VERY responsible" 9yo too. Fair enough to give them responsability of themselves and their belonging but I do not think it is fair to give them the responsability of a toddler.

exoticfruits · 11/04/2011 08:14

I don't think that 9yr olds and a 3 yr old in a cul de sac are an issue but some cotton wool wrappers are making it one! The attitude that it shouldn't be done is worse than the half dressed point IMO.,

exoticfruits · 11/04/2011 08:16

It was only responsibility of a toddler in sight of their own home-how do they learn responsibility if people don't start small?

exoticfruits · 11/04/2011 08:19

I loved responsibility when I was 9yrs old.

WinkyWinkola · 11/04/2011 08:21

Everything Cheerful Yank said.

I reckon men are quite fearful of giving the wrong impression.

My dad used to live in a ground floor flat in a quiet area. He left his french windows open one hot day (he shared the large gardens with seven other ground floor flats) and was terrified to find a small boy of about 3, a neighbour's son, standing next to him whilst he sat at the kitchen table reading the newspaper.

He said he handled it really badly and shooed the boy away quite rudely because he panicked that someone would think he'd enticed the child into his flat.

OP, get some knickers on your girl when she's out and about. Nothing to do with paedophilia - that's just what they should wear.