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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to report this man to someone (serious)

141 replies

handsoffmycake · 09/04/2011 07:09

I know AIBU gets high traffic and I need a range of replies I think.

I am now in my late 20s but when I was 12/13 I fell in with the wrong crowd. It was a group of much older "skater boys" whom me and my friend who was also 12/13 hung around with a lot. My friend ended up having (repeated) sex with the main "ringleader" he was 24 at the time and though it wasnt rape or anything I felt she was much too young but was very naive at the time.

I also ended up in the bed of this "man" and though he didnt pressure me into full sex I did not feel in control and the experience totally shattered my confidence as a young teen and up to now.

I look back now and am disgusted at the behaviour of this group of people and whilst am very disappointed with my own behaviour I feel in some way I was "groomed" for it.

I know there is a lot of underage sex going on in the world but when I look back this really bothers me, especially as the main man involved works in a careers advice job helping young people. He is also linked to a school with his work. I know he still does this line of work as I have seen him there and seen his facebook page.

I have never fully got over the experiences I had and worry that my depression is clouding my judgement but I worry that this man is still "using" young people.

Or could it just have been innocent and a mistake on his part as a young man? (though IMO 24 is old enough to know better)

So my question is would I be unreasonable to report this mans previous actions to someone so they could maybe just check it out? Or should I just move on and try and forget. And just who would I report it to?

Thanks for any replies.

OP posts:
activate · 09/04/2011 07:13

No he was 24 and you were both 12 - it's statutory rape however you look at it

activate · 09/04/2011 07:14

he works in schools, unaccompanied, with direct contact with young people and has a history of statutory rape

please, if this is true, please report this

caramelwaffle · 09/04/2011 07:16

You are worried that this man is still grooming young people for sex? And you still know his whereabouts? Yes, report him.

You say it "was not rape".

It was Statutory rape.

hairfullofsnakes · 09/04/2011 07:16

I really wish I could offer some advice but am not sure! I can definitely see where you are coming from and really hope you get some good advice from people here.

You are right in thinking that what he did was disgusting and wrong and I too worry he might still be doing this. I hope someone comes along with the right advice for you.

On another note, have you had any counselling for what you went through? It might really help you - sorry to hear this is affecting you still x

hairfullofsnakes · 09/04/2011 07:18

Who does the op need to talk to for reporting this?

CheerfulYank · 09/04/2011 07:18

It may be un PC, but I don't believe 12 year old girls can consent to sex with men twice their age. So yes, rape in my book

Report something to someone.

peasandlove · 09/04/2011 07:20

at 24 he certainly did know better than that. He's a danger to young girls, instead of looking out for them, he's abusing them. Definitely report him.

Original poster
handsoffmycake · 09/04/2011 07:20

I thank you for replies! I really did wonder if I was being uneasonable as its been a long time too but it does worry me still.

I have tried to get effective counselling for many years without much luck tbh.

Do I report it to police?

OP posts:
candleshoe · 09/04/2011 07:21

Report this man and pursue this case for the sake of yourself and others!

goodbyemrschips · 09/04/2011 07:23

Print your post out and take it to the police station and say

''what should I do about this?''

They can then decide.

Thandeka · 09/04/2011 07:23

Statutory rape is an American term. Doesn't exist in UK. Yes was unlawful though. Having been a 14year old going out with 24 and 28 year old myself I personally wouldn't report my older blokes (they were idiots and I actually never did anything I didn't want to do with them- never had sex with either of em) but in your case I would think very carefully about it. What do you want to achieve?

Okonomiyaki · 09/04/2011 07:25

Yes I would report it to the police. Poor you, I hope it helps you get over your experiences.

caramelwaffle · 09/04/2011 07:27

Unlawful Sex with a Minor is the UK term.

(It is a matter of semantics)

"You say tomato, I say tomato."

It is serious.

Original poster
handsoffmycake · 09/04/2011 07:27

Not sure what I want to achieve, its just always bothered me that he "got away" with it and the fact I know he works with young people.

Also having my own daughter now has made me angrier about it I think.

He probably isnt doing anything unsavioury anymore but theres a chance isnt there? I just want someone to ask a few questions maybe and make sure he is not doing things he shouldnt be.

OP posts:
activate · 09/04/2011 07:29

statutory rape is well-used within the UK - it admittedly would not be the term used in court but I was talking in terms of of US courtroom made-for-tv shows version but is relevant

goodbyemrschips · 09/04/2011 07:30

I think it it the fact he works with young people, even though what he did was not normal and yes ''grooming'' is the word.

What about a chat on childline or something similar.

candleshoe · 09/04/2011 07:30

I would think you need to do more research into how you can best present your case ... look for charities and women's groups who specialise in cases of this type. They will help you work out whether you have case worth taking up legally.

Meanwhile write down all your memories of the whole with as many facts and dates as you can.

candleshoe · 09/04/2011 07:31

That should've been 'the whole time'

Grumpla · 09/04/2011 07:35

I think you should report him OP.

What happened was wrong, no two ways about it. He sexually assaulted and raped children. If you'd said he was 16 at the time, it would still have been wrong, although yes I would be more inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt re current situation / job etc. But 24?!? At that age, he knew EXACTLY what he was doing. And there is a realistic chance that he is still doing it.

Original poster
handsoffmycake · 09/04/2011 07:35

candleshoe thats just the thing - I dont want to persue a legal case. I have got on with my life and have more than enough problems without another one going on. Rightly or wrongly this is how I feel.

I just want to be able to report it to someone and have them check him out to make sure he is not abusing young girls still.

OP posts:
meditrina · 09/04/2011 07:35

The only body to whom you can report this is the police.

Will your friend - the one who had sex with him - also give a statement to the police? Without a statement from her, there will be no possibility of a charge for unlawful sex with a minor.

candleshoe · 09/04/2011 07:36

The police will not take you seriously or investigate him at all unless you do it formally I'm afraid.

candleshoe · 09/04/2011 07:38

You can't just interfere in a 'respectable' citizens life to check in case they 'might' be doing something to young girls I'm afraid. Without a legal case - no one will do anything.

Original poster
handsoffmycake · 09/04/2011 07:39

candleshoe that is what I feared! This means I am really stuck about what to do Sad

OP posts:
candleshoe · 09/04/2011 07:40

I may be wrong - get some advice from Citizen's Advice Bureau or a women's charity - there may be something you can do ...