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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to report this man to someone (serious)

141 replies

handsoffmycake · 09/04/2011 07:09

I know AIBU gets high traffic and I need a range of replies I think.

I am now in my late 20s but when I was 12/13 I fell in with the wrong crowd. It was a group of much older "skater boys" whom me and my friend who was also 12/13 hung around with a lot. My friend ended up having (repeated) sex with the main "ringleader" he was 24 at the time and though it wasnt rape or anything I felt she was much too young but was very naive at the time.

I also ended up in the bed of this "man" and though he didnt pressure me into full sex I did not feel in control and the experience totally shattered my confidence as a young teen and up to now.

I look back now and am disgusted at the behaviour of this group of people and whilst am very disappointed with my own behaviour I feel in some way I was "groomed" for it.

I know there is a lot of underage sex going on in the world but when I look back this really bothers me, especially as the main man involved works in a careers advice job helping young people. He is also linked to a school with his work. I know he still does this line of work as I have seen him there and seen his facebook page.

I have never fully got over the experiences I had and worry that my depression is clouding my judgement but I worry that this man is still "using" young people.

Or could it just have been innocent and a mistake on his part as a young man? (though IMO 24 is old enough to know better)

So my question is would I be unreasonable to report this mans previous actions to someone so they could maybe just check it out? Or should I just move on and try and forget. And just who would I report it to?

Thanks for any replies.

OP posts:
AyeRobot · 09/04/2011 14:20

So sorry that happened to you, LeroyJethro. There have been cases recently that have been successfully prosecuted years after the event, but understand why it would be difficult for you to go ahead with it. Hope you're OK.

Why is Leroy's situation different, LDNmummy? The situation for the OP and her friend are just as illegal.

Original poster
handsoffmycake · 09/04/2011 14:22

Again thanks for the support. Ive spent years feeling very ashamed and have terrible issues with sex and trust. I have tried some nhs counselling but have not had much luck with the people Ive seen. I have just given up on another counsellor who was constantly putting words in my mouth and clock watching.

I think I will just soldier on so to speak, its been a big help just typing it down and getting such good support here so big thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
handsoffmycake · 09/04/2011 14:24

LeroyJethro thats horrible. I fear these things are actually quite common. We just dont tell anyone for fear of things that are not our fault :(

OP posts:
AyeRobot · 09/04/2011 14:25

handsoffmycake, it was not your fault. I can't stress that enough. That's why I have posted so much on your thread. The blame lies squarely on the guy's shoulders. See if you can get some counselling via Rape Crisis, maybe?

ChristinedePizan · 09/04/2011 14:36

Absolutely AyeRobot. And now that the OP has confirmed that the bloke was well aware of the children's ages, are you going to retract some of that crap LDNmummy? Or do you still feel you don't 'have all the facts'?

LDNmummy · 09/04/2011 14:41

Um no, I will not 'retract some of that crap' because i hold a different viewpoint.

OP I genuinely do feel for you, please do not take what I have said as blame shifting as has been suggested.

fallingandlaughing · 09/04/2011 14:44

LDNMummy if the police investigate and find there was a good reason for a 24 year old to be hanging about with and having sex with children, then I am sure there won't be any repercussions. So I would argue we have enough info to consider supporting the OP.

Handsoffmycake this man is still in contact with children in a position of trust. Of course most people who work with children are in it for the right reasons, but he has a very worrying history and may have chosen this work just to get access to them. So if you could find it in you to report him that could be a good thing for them and for you. But most of all take care of yourself.

jellykit · 09/04/2011 14:57

I IM'd you OP but in case anyone else is reading who has had a simular experience as a child they should phone the non-emergency police line and ask to be put through to an officer in the Public Protection Unit.Those guys are the ones with the training and experience in this sort of thing. If you don't want to press charges you should at least ask for your information to be recorded on file so that the police can keep an eye on him

LDNmummy · 09/04/2011 14:59

I am all for the OP reporting it if she feels it is the right course of action, my point was that there are alot of things she should really consider first about the situation. And I think she should seek counselling first to fully talk this issue out before taking action

My other point is that we should not be passing judgement as we were not there to see what happened and should not take this situation as so cut and dry.

A person of 24 may be 24 physically, but some people have issues that affect their growth in terms of emotionally and psychologically. For instance, I used to have a friend who's older brother was "slow" as she put it. I cannot remember what his condition was but he mentally and emotionally was years behind his age group. So at 16, he still acted like a 10 year old. Eventually I remember when he reached 20 and started going out with a 13 year old. My friend was very unhappy about it but because the kids in their area knew he was 'slow' (sorry to use that term, I just don't know what his condition was), no one else batted an eye, except to laugh about it once in a while.

I know that doesn't mean it is the case here, as leroyjethro's story points out, the grooming of young girls is not uncommon and horrifying. He may not have had the condition my friends brother had, but he may have had a background that stunted his growth for all we know.

I just think we should not judge without knowing the full backstory. If it is apparent that he is dangerous to young people, he should be reported without hesitation as I know I wouldn't want him potentially around my daughter. But we shouldn't jump to action without understanding this fully.

LDNmummy · 09/04/2011 15:01

OP if you do decide to report it I would advise seeking counselling first as what may come as a result may leave you needing that sort of emotional and psychological support. Though I think you should talk to someone anyway.

edam · 09/04/2011 15:02

LeroyJethro, so sorry that happened to you. There is, apparently, a problem with fast food premises and older men grooming young girls. Was an article about it happening in Blackpool and other towns recently. Horrible case where two girls were killed but the accused got off so no-one knows what happened to them. If I had a dd, I'd be warning her off hanging around those places.

SueSylvesterforPM · 09/04/2011 15:09

Reading all that I would say yes

12??? no way

LeroyJethroGibbs · 09/04/2011 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

marmaladetwatkins · 09/04/2011 19:46

Eeeek I sort of know what you mean, OP.

When I was fifteen I had a twenty-five year old boyfriend. However, I was mature for my age and he was young for his so we kind of met in the middle, mentality-wise. I never felt pressured or like anything untoward happened and I was and am sure he was essentially a decent bloke so I have to admit that when I think of our relationship I push the legality issue to one side because it makes me feel icky and weird.

At fifteen I thought I knew it all so didn't see any issues but with hindsight I was fifteen...

marmaladetwatkins · 09/04/2011 19:47

Ps obviously fifteen is a different kettle from twelve.

CheerfulYank · 09/04/2011 20:23

"Oh, she was so sexy. She was asking for it.' 'She was only technically a girl, she acted like a woman.' It's just so easy to blame a kid, isn't it! Just because a girl knows how to imitate a woman, does NOT mean she's ready to do what a woman does. "

That's a quote from the movie Hard Candy. I don't care if a 12 year old is standing naked and begging for it, she is 12 . She is a child. FFS. And he knew. And yes, maybe he has grown up and moved on and become a decent person, that doesn't mean he doesn't have to pay for what he did then. I feel the same about Roman Polanski, but that's an entirely different story for another thread.

And as someone who has been raped, I don't feel that classifying a child being inappropriately touched by an adult man as rape diminishes the horror of it. Not a bit.

FellatioNels0n · 09/04/2011 20:30

If you were talking about a 15 year old and a 20 year old I'd be sitting on the fence, because these things are complicated - but 12 and 24? I don't that is justifiable by anyone's standards.

BamBam21 · 09/04/2011 20:32

Hi. Not sure where you are in the UK, but in Scotland, a new scheme has just been launched which is basically a register of people working with vulnerable groups, which naturally includes children. I think you can contact the people who administer the register (part of the Scottish Government) to have people checked out or at least to get guidance.

inaglasshouse · 09/04/2011 23:06

You don't need to work with young people to have access to young people.I was wondering why you now feel that you should report him after finding out he works with young people.

thumbwitch · 09/04/2011 23:26

Am amazed still at some of the responses on here.

OP - I hope you manage to find a way to report him that sits well with you - I agree that being in a position of trust with young people gives him easier access to continuing his predatory ways, if that is still his preference. And if it IS still something he does, then it needs to be stopped. If you reporting him goes some way to preventing some other young girl from being preyed upon in the same way that you and your friend were than that would be brilliant.

Can't believe people are excusing him. Unless he's actually mentally insufficient, any 24yo, however immature, KNOWS it is wrong to have sex with a 13yo.

SharonGless · 10/04/2011 00:18

Sorry to have left the thread earlier, OP you have had a horrendous experience and this man is still working with young children. No matter what others on this thread have said please remember it is against the law to have sexual intercourse with a 12 year old. This law is because it is deemed that a 12 year old cannot make the decision to have sex.

As I said before go with your instinct - you know this is wrong or you wouldn't have posted.
Rapecrisis is a fantastic organisation please contact them just to have a chat

flyingspaghettimonster · 10/04/2011 01:31

Definitely report! He is still in a position of trust with kids the age you were then... it is your responsibility to stop it happening again.

onceamai · 10/04/2011 07:51

OP I am sorry this ever happened to you and that it is something you are still trying to come to terms with. I don't know if you should report it at present, but I do think you need to have some professional counselling to help you deal with your own feelings about the matter yourself and then to come to consider - having taken professional advice from someone like Rapecrisis as suggested by Sharon about the reality of charges being possible, being upheld and whether the process will help or hinder your overall recovery. If the man is still working with young children I would venture to suggest that charges have not been brought successfully against him because he will have a clear CRB check. That is another story altogether - a CRB is only useful if the individual has ever been caught.

My daughter is coming up to the age you were OP and the one thing I wonder about and am surprised nobody has mentioned on the thread is what were your parents doing at the time and why were they not questioning where you were and what you were up to. Is your mother going to support you through this process - do you have anyone who will support you through this process.

There is no question in my mind that the man did something wrong and illegal, inappropriate and unacceptable but as so many on this thread have said they were in similar situations at some time or another, was it possible that what went on was within the cultural norm of where you were at the time (doesn't make it right) and that is what needs to be tackled in the UK - not just one prosecution against one pervert - which after taking professional advice may be the appropriate route for you.

Good luck OP.

SardineQueen · 10/04/2011 08:07

Onceamai and a couple of others indicate that things should only be reported if a. the victim wants to prosecute and is up for that and b. they think there is a reasonable chance of prosecution.

Is this correct?

Given that most sexual offences go unreported because the people who have been attacked know that a successful prosecution is unlikely, and/or are unwilling to go through the whole court experience.... isn't the end result just a missed opportunity to have information on a lot of potentially very dangerous men?

There ought to be a middle ground surely - so that the police can have a "heads up" about people?

messybessie · 10/04/2011 08:28

A friend of a friend is currently in prison for having improper relations with several of his pupils (he was a secondary teacher). The case was investigated 15 to 20 years after the offences took place and came about because someone like you finally reported him.

The police investigated and found other girls this had happened to who were willing to hive evidence.

So it can happen do far after the event. Even if the CPS don't take the case forward, you will know in your own mind that you didvwhatbyou could and that this was not an acceptable thing to happen to you.

Best of luck.

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