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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to report this man to someone (serious)

141 replies

handsoffmycake · 09/04/2011 07:09

I know AIBU gets high traffic and I need a range of replies I think.

I am now in my late 20s but when I was 12/13 I fell in with the wrong crowd. It was a group of much older "skater boys" whom me and my friend who was also 12/13 hung around with a lot. My friend ended up having (repeated) sex with the main "ringleader" he was 24 at the time and though it wasnt rape or anything I felt she was much too young but was very naive at the time.

I also ended up in the bed of this "man" and though he didnt pressure me into full sex I did not feel in control and the experience totally shattered my confidence as a young teen and up to now.

I look back now and am disgusted at the behaviour of this group of people and whilst am very disappointed with my own behaviour I feel in some way I was "groomed" for it.

I know there is a lot of underage sex going on in the world but when I look back this really bothers me, especially as the main man involved works in a careers advice job helping young people. He is also linked to a school with his work. I know he still does this line of work as I have seen him there and seen his facebook page.

I have never fully got over the experiences I had and worry that my depression is clouding my judgement but I worry that this man is still "using" young people.

Or could it just have been innocent and a mistake on his part as a young man? (though IMO 24 is old enough to know better)

So my question is would I be unreasonable to report this mans previous actions to someone so they could maybe just check it out? Or should I just move on and try and forget. And just who would I report it to?

Thanks for any replies.

OP posts:
edam · 09/04/2011 12:27

Glad the thread helped and glad you are going to call someone, handsoff.

altinkum · 09/04/2011 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Terraviva · 09/04/2011 12:32

Personally I say get counselling and move on. Yes it was wrong but it was (presumably) a long time ago. An awful lot of women have been in the same situation and if we all ran around reporting every older man who we had a fumble with when we were teenagers then the police wouldn't have time to do anything else. MN gets hysterical about these things and cries RAPE!! at every opportunity. You didn't have sex, so it wasn't rape. Yes you felt uncomfortable, and I'm so sorry to hear how it's affected your confidence in later life, but surely it's better to deal with it yourself and move on. Reporting this could start a runaway train that could ruin his life and his career. Do you really think he is a danger to young girls now? If you do then by all means report it. Or was that a period of his life when he was in a 'skater gang' and was looked up to as cool by young teenager girls, and now he's in his 30s / 40s and grown up? Are you still friends with the girl who did have sex with him? Maybe you should ask her what she thinks.

macdoodle · 09/04/2011 12:33

Of course, playing devils advocate, he may have been very young and not really realised what he was doing was "wrong". He is after all now 15 or so years older, he may have grown up, be a decent member of society, contributing, helping young people, with a good and fulfilled life.
What you do may utterly destroy his life. Or it may save further youngsters from harm.
I wouldn't want to be in your position, but I suspect if it was me I would probably let it alone.
DOI, as a youngster (tween/teen), I was fairly grown up/promiscuous and had sexual type contact with older boys/men, I'm not sure how many of those I would consider child abusers, none I would think.

altinkum · 09/04/2011 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

altinkum · 09/04/2011 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

macdoodle · 09/04/2011 12:36

phone his company up Shock and say what, dear god, its turned into a witch hunt

edam · 09/04/2011 12:40

He wasn't 'very young' he was 24. And if it does destroy his career, that's his responsibility - he was the one having sex with 12yos when he was 24, that's hardly the right CV for someone working in a trusted position with children.

And it was rape - he had sex with the OP's friend and something short of full intercourse with the OP at the same age.

fallingandlaughing · 09/04/2011 12:41

People who are saying "leave him alone" need to think about how they would feel if a 24 year old man was having sex/sexual contact with their 12 year old daughter.

It is not normal behaviour.

It is a bit of a risk to think that at some age (25? 30?) he suddenly lost all sexual interest in children.

Good Luck OP.

Terraviva · 09/04/2011 12:43

It diminishes the horror of rape to apply the word to every form of unwanted or inappropriate sexual activity.

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/04/2011 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FuppyGish · 09/04/2011 12:46

Terraviva - it IS rape. She was 12. Duh.

hpsaucy · 09/04/2011 12:46

Couple of question

Did he know your age??? I know when I was 13 me and friends used to pretend to people we were 15/16.

Do you know he was 24? or just older than you.

Terraviva · 09/04/2011 12:49

Fuppy - They didn't have sex, therefore it isn't rape. She also said 12 / 13, which might sound like mere semantics but there can be a world of difference between a girl who's just turned 12 and one who is almost 14.

FuppyGish · 09/04/2011 12:58

They did have sex, not op, op's friend.

SardineQueen · 09/04/2011 13:01

Am slightly boggled that anyone is arguing that there is no problem with a 24 yo man having sex with 12yo, and that he should be left alone to live his life, while the girls he had sexual activity with should go and get some counselling.

That sounds kind of all wrong to me.

OP I am very pleased that you are calling someone with a view to seeing what (if anything) you can do next.

I understand your position - it is hard to know what to do when you don't want to actually prosecute - but do want to let "authorities" know that someone may represent a risk.

hpsaucy · 09/04/2011 13:02

and op's friend is fine with it. she wasn't forced and did it repeatly. and has refered to it as the good ole days.

I regret alot of my actions at 13/14/15 but would dream of reporting my then boyfriend, now that it was rape!!!!

SardineQueen · 09/04/2011 13:02

She was 12. He was 24. Not fine.

altinkum · 09/04/2011 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Saltatrix · 09/04/2011 13:05

What is your friends view on this the police will need her evidence in order to go for a rape charge.

hpsaucy · 09/04/2011 13:06

I agree its not fine, but to go back 10 years later.

It was underage sex but not rape as she consented!!!

ENormaSnob · 09/04/2011 13:06

Anyone know a 24 year old that would think this is ok?

I don't.

ENormaSnob · 09/04/2011 13:07

You cannot consent at 12.

hpsaucy · 09/04/2011 13:08

Does any know any 24 year old skaters!!!!

SardineQueen · 09/04/2011 13:09

12 year olds cannot legally give consent to sexual activity.

Have some people never heard of grooming?

And they think it is quite normal for a 24 year old man to make friends with girls aged 12 and 13 and engage in sexual activity with them?

There have been recent court cases where groups of men have been convicted for grooming and having sex with girls in this age bracket. Should they not have been prosecuted?