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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to report this man to someone (serious)

141 replies

handsoffmycake · 09/04/2011 07:09

I know AIBU gets high traffic and I need a range of replies I think.

I am now in my late 20s but when I was 12/13 I fell in with the wrong crowd. It was a group of much older "skater boys" whom me and my friend who was also 12/13 hung around with a lot. My friend ended up having (repeated) sex with the main "ringleader" he was 24 at the time and though it wasnt rape or anything I felt she was much too young but was very naive at the time.

I also ended up in the bed of this "man" and though he didnt pressure me into full sex I did not feel in control and the experience totally shattered my confidence as a young teen and up to now.

I look back now and am disgusted at the behaviour of this group of people and whilst am very disappointed with my own behaviour I feel in some way I was "groomed" for it.

I know there is a lot of underage sex going on in the world but when I look back this really bothers me, especially as the main man involved works in a careers advice job helping young people. He is also linked to a school with his work. I know he still does this line of work as I have seen him there and seen his facebook page.

I have never fully got over the experiences I had and worry that my depression is clouding my judgement but I worry that this man is still "using" young people.

Or could it just have been innocent and a mistake on his part as a young man? (though IMO 24 is old enough to know better)

So my question is would I be unreasonable to report this mans previous actions to someone so they could maybe just check it out? Or should I just move on and try and forget. And just who would I report it to?

Thanks for any replies.

OP posts:

meditrina · 10/04/2011 08:32

SQ: I wouldn't say your assumption is correct. You can (should?) report any crime to the police. They will investigate, and They/DPS will later make decisions about whether to prosecute.

Depending on what the police find in the course of the investigation, they make want to keep "intelligence" about a person. But they cannot have this knowledge about someone if the crimes are never reported (eg: one "her word against his" allegation may not get very far, but if they happen repeatedly against one individual from different victims, then possibility of a successful action increases).

There has to be an investigation, to help exclude malicious complaints.

BelleDameSansMerci · 10/04/2011 08:44

My old therapist spent some time explaining to me that no matter what a young girl does or says; how she acts; or what she "consents" to the responsibility lies fully with the adult because they're the adult. As a child (I would say under 16 but suspect that the law would see under 13) it shouldn't matter how you behave, the adult is the responsible party and they should exercise restraint no matter how tempted... I can't see anything unreasonable about that, frankly.

As for this case, I think the OP should report it to the police or at least, as was suggested earlier, ask them for advice. If that's too much, then any of the other helplines would be a good avenue.

Pootletrinket · 10/04/2011 09:23

I have only read the first 2 pages of this, sorry if this is repeated advice, but you could ring you Local Children's Safeguarding Board about a concerning adult - usually it would be about concerns about a specific child/childre, but they are the statutory body that has responsibility for safeguarding children in each area.

SardineQueen · 10/04/2011 11:52

meditrina so you would say that the people who have suggested that the OP needs to think about how likely her case is to result in a successful prosecution, before reporting it, are wrong?

Is there a mechanism by which women can report, even if they know they don't want to be involved in a prosecution?

SardineQueen · 10/04/2011 11:53

It would be nice if people who have been subjected to sexual attacks could report them just so that the police have the information on file, rather than onyl if they feel they have a strong case and they definitely want to press ahead with a prosection IYSWIM

dreamingbohemian · 10/04/2011 12:30

OP -- I have some experience with this as well.

If you feel strongly you should report this, then I think you should, but I would URGE you to seek counseling again first. There is no way to know how things will progress when you report, how intense it could get -- things could end up much worse for you, if it's not taken seriously, or blows up into a huge mess.

I think you should try to get yourself into a very strong place before you report it. This will also help things get taken more seriously, I think.

I hope you may find some healing in educating your own daughter, and having a close relationship with her. I know it makes me feel better when I think about raising my son to never be the kind of bastard that would do something like this.

kittybuttoon · 10/04/2011 12:34

For many years, I was confused and ashamed about a sexual encounter in my teens. It definitely coloured subsequent relationships.

Decades later (quite recently, in fact) I had the opportunity to talk about the incident honestly, with the man involved. I hadn't seen him in all those years, but it became clear to me during our conversation that I'd built it up in my own mind to be much worse than it actually was. Mentally, I'd cast myself as the victim, and him as an evil molester.

He didn't exactly cover himself in glory that night, but there were extenuating circumstances which I'd forgotten all about over the subsequent years.

I'm not saying this is the case for the OP, or that she shouldn't report what was obviously a horrible experience which no 12 year old should have to go through - but after years of dwelling on one event, sometimes one's perception gets skewed.

It was only after talking to the man involved that I remembered some of the circumstances surrounding the encounter, and I'm glad that I never reported him, as the account I'd have given in court would have been rather a long way from the actuality of what happened. I had spent years building up a very minor incident into something dreadful, I'm afraid. Also if I had reported him, it would have ruined his current life, which seems to be that of a perfectly normal and apparently happy family man.

buggerlugs82 · 10/04/2011 14:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

Original poster

handsoffmycake · 10/04/2011 14:52

Again thanks for all replies. I think I will benefit from phoning someone and having a chat. I have thought long and hard and I dont wish to make any kind of legal action against this man.

Suggestion that I talk to him is not one I could take. It would be very easy for me to make contact but I think for my own sanity not wise. After my experiences with him and other men its left my views on men/sex/relationships very skewed.

OP posts:

Original poster

handsoffmycake · 10/04/2011 15:00

onceamai in answer to your question about parents, I lived with just my Mum and told her nothing. I have older brothers who lived away and I told my mum these older boys (she did know the ages) were like brothers to me.

After the incident with the man I became very withdrawn, coming home from school and changing straight into pjs. Was depressed for a long time. My mum noticed this but I couldnt confide. My mum was a big alcohol drinker at this time.

I hope beyond hope my DD will feel closer to me than I do to my mum.

OP posts:

bristolcities · 10/04/2011 15:01

t really bothers me how acceptable it seems it was with the rest of his peers. I hate to think at 24 what would happen if it was found out one of my friend was behaving so disgustingly. That is a man and a child.

I know of a very similar story. The man in question was a computer engineer at a school. He went on to do the same thing to lots of girls. You really have a duty to report it.

TotorosOcarina · 10/04/2011 15:16

My husband is just 25 and theres no way he would approach a 12/13 year old, probably not even a 19 year old (if we weren't married IYKWIM?!)

Its disgusting.

fastedwina · 10/04/2011 15:28

handsoff - you should definitely speak to someone for YOURSELF if for nothing else as you obviously struggle with this. I think given the ages - it deserves to be reported but whether you feel strong enough to deal with that and everything else that brings is another matter. It's easy for strangers on hear to say 'report it' but i wonder how many of them would take their own advice with everything that could entail. Hope you are strong enough to report it - to hopefully make sure he is no longer a danger to young people he is in a position of power over but only you must make that decision - all the best.

PlopPlopPing · 10/04/2011 16:07

I keep thinking about what I was like at 24 (finished a degree and full time job, had a car etc.) and then about 12 year olds and how at 12 I hadn't even started my periods or started to wear a bra.

bumpsoon · 10/04/2011 22:16

I hope you get more success with your counselling OP. Regardless of how you feel about the facts ,the fact still stands that a 24 year old man sexually touched you knowing you were either 12 or 13 . That is wrong and illegal.

SharonGless · 10/04/2011 22:35

Hi again handsoff
Glad you came back to the thread. It takes a lot to contact the police and I know you said you don't want to take legal action. However I really recommend Rapecrisis. They will help you every step of the way whatever decisions you decide to make regarding this. Once you have had counselling and feel stronger you may change your mind.

If you feel up to it, it may help you to write down your thoughts about what happened to you. After counselling you may feel differently about it. I know you said you were withdrawn after this happened - did you confide in anyone?

Keep strong and remember MN is a great support network too

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