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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to report this man to someone (serious)

141 replies

handsoffmycake · 09/04/2011 07:09

I know AIBU gets high traffic and I need a range of replies I think.

I am now in my late 20s but when I was 12/13 I fell in with the wrong crowd. It was a group of much older "skater boys" whom me and my friend who was also 12/13 hung around with a lot. My friend ended up having (repeated) sex with the main "ringleader" he was 24 at the time and though it wasnt rape or anything I felt she was much too young but was very naive at the time.

I also ended up in the bed of this "man" and though he didnt pressure me into full sex I did not feel in control and the experience totally shattered my confidence as a young teen and up to now.

I look back now and am disgusted at the behaviour of this group of people and whilst am very disappointed with my own behaviour I feel in some way I was "groomed" for it.

I know there is a lot of underage sex going on in the world but when I look back this really bothers me, especially as the main man involved works in a careers advice job helping young people. He is also linked to a school with his work. I know he still does this line of work as I have seen him there and seen his facebook page.

I have never fully got over the experiences I had and worry that my depression is clouding my judgement but I worry that this man is still "using" young people.

Or could it just have been innocent and a mistake on his part as a young man? (though IMO 24 is old enough to know better)

So my question is would I be unreasonable to report this mans previous actions to someone so they could maybe just check it out? Or should I just move on and try and forget. And just who would I report it to?

Thanks for any replies.

OP posts:
AyeRobot · 09/04/2011 13:10

From the Sexual Offences Act 2003:
Sexual activity with a childE+W

(1)A person aged 18 or over (A) commits an offence if?

(a)he intentionally touches another person (B),

(b)the touching is sexual, and

(c)either?

(i)B is under 16 and A does not reasonably believe that B is 16 or over, or

(ii)B is under 13.

(2)A person guilty of an offence under this section, if the touching involved?

(a)penetration of B?s anus or vagina with a part of A?s body or anything else,

(b)penetration of B?s mouth with A?s penis,

(c)penetration of A?s anus or vagina with a part of B?s body, or

(d)penetration of A?s mouth with B?s penis,

is liable, on conviction on indictment, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 14 years.

As SharonGless said, this all happened before 2003, but it is useful to bear the above in mind in these conversations.

SardineQueen · 09/04/2011 13:13

I went out with a 24 year old skater. I was 19. That's normal. One of his friends went out with a girl who was 16 around that time and his friends thought she was a bit young and took the piss. None of them would have conceived of going out with a girl at the beginning of secondary school. For so many reasons. It's not normal, and it's not legal.

Saltatrix · 09/04/2011 13:15

Was you 12 or 13 when it happened? it makes a big difference in the eyes of the law.

altinkum · 09/04/2011 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AyeRobot · 09/04/2011 13:18

And for completeness:

Rape of a child under 13E+W
This section has no associated Explanatory Notes

(1)A person commits an offence if?

(a)he intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of another person with his penis, and

(b)the other person is under 13.

(2)A person guilty of an offence under this section is liable, on conviction on indictment, to imprisonment for life.

LDNmummy · 09/04/2011 13:25

I don't know if anyone has asked this yet and I am sure it was implied that he did, but did he know you were only 12/ 13 or did he think you were slightly older?

As a 24 year old I understand the difference between age groups and what is acceptable sexually so his age is not an excuse as I am sure many will agree. And could I also ask how much time has passed since then?

But TBH, this was a consentual relationship between the two of you. And maybe he was too immature and stupid at the time to see what was wrong with it. You are talking about a 24 year old skater dude who hung around with younger people, hardly the epitome of maturity. If you report this, he may end up on the sex offenders register and/ or lose his career. It is a life changing thing to do and I think you really need to consider it long and hard. People change, he may be equally ashamed of his actions and may now never be capable of doing something like that. I have known lots of young girls who have these kinds of relationships with older men in their early twenties and usually the men involved are exceedingly immature. This is not me making excuses as it is disgusting IMO, but he may be a completely different person now. Especially if a lot of time has passed. The person he was at 24 and what he thought was acceptable may disgust him too.

Can you talk to him about this and see what he says? I think it would be advisable for you to speak to a counsellor as you seem to feel that he violated you as opposed to it being something you chose to do. Did he force you? How do you feel he groomed you? These are very important questions. You may feel that he was doing this, but at the time he may have felt it was completely consentual.

Really think about it, look at it from all perspectives and answer these crucial questions to yourself.

TBF, I could not nor could anyone make an accurate assessment of what you should do (though people will jump to tell you what you should do) without knowing more details about what happened between you.

ChristinedePizan · 09/04/2011 13:28

Oh come on LDNmummy - a man should know to find out how old a schoolgirl is. And it's rape if she's under 13 - a child is not deemed capable of giving consent.

LDNmummy · 09/04/2011 13:28

I also know lots of skaters and as Altinkum said, many of them are law abiding men AND women who share a sporting interest.

LDNmummy · 09/04/2011 13:32

Christene my younger sister went to an all girls school where many of her peers went out with older men. Some of these men were even in their 30's though this was not as common. Most were in their early twenties and did not know these girls were even in school. They would lie and say they were 16 and/ or at college. Young girls can make themselves appear alot older than they are.

But of course in the OP's situation he may very well have known, which is why I asked her instead of jumping to an assumption.

ChristinedePizan · 09/04/2011 13:34

Like I said, ignorance is no excuse.

hpsaucy · 09/04/2011 13:35

LDN - Well said!! exactly was I was thinking, but you have a much better way with words than me!!

The way OP was talking about the 'wrong crowd' 'skater boy' 'ringleader', didn't really sound like people that share a interest in skating as a sport! which is why I asked if she actually knew he was 24!!

ENormaSnob · 09/04/2011 13:37

He was 24. No excuses IMO.

AyeRobot · 09/04/2011 13:40

Crikey, the lengths people will go to excuse men from responsibility for illegal behaviour with children is a sight to behold.

ENormaSnob · 09/04/2011 13:51

Frightening ayerobot.

I'm horrified tbh.

LDNmummy · 09/04/2011 13:53

I am not making excuses for men, funnily enough I have been flamed on other threads for being too feminist (althout I am not a feminist either) Hmm

I am saying that there are more to the dynamics of relationships such as these than we can understand from the outside.

I don't think any of us should be passing judgement without knowing the full extent of what happened (not that I expect OP to divulge that info).

Maybe it is because I have seen this happen with girls from my peer group and my sisters peer group that I understand it is not as cut and dry as all that.

In other cultures a girls ability to be sexual at that age and involve herself in sexual situations such as this is recognised. In Spain for instance the age of consent is 13. I think this is to allow for a full assessment of the situation without immediately calling someone a rapist simply based on an age difference.

The OP may very well have reasons to believe he is a danger to other young women that she has not written as it is too personal, but without her telling us what they are, who are we to pass such stringent judgement on someoone else and possibly ruin their life without understanding exactly what has gone on here.

edam · 09/04/2011 13:57

Quite, Ayerobot. I thought attitudes to child abuse had moved on and most people these days realise you can't accuse of a child of 'leading on' a grown man. Apparently not.

All this 'ooh no you could ruin his life' bollocks. What about his access to young people NOW? Is it OK that someone with a history of having sex with children works with children? Would any of the 'ooh dear poor man' brigade be happy with him working in their children's school?

Original poster
handsoffmycake · 09/04/2011 13:57

In answer to a few questions:

He did know exactly how old we were. We met the group and were friends before anything happened. We were the only girls in the group and also the youngest in the group.

He would pick us up in his car sometimes (to drive to deserted carparks to have sex with my friend) he would not pick us up anywhere near his home so he knew what he was doing was wrong.

I do not think my friend views it as rape as she consented, though I dont think its ok for him to be doing these things with girls so young. My friend seems ok with the whole thing. I have always had issues with sex abuse (had bad experiences before this man) so for me its a different thing than for her maybe. I feel like I went along due to peer pressure.

This man also had a 16 year old "girlfriend" at the same time as seeing my friend as there was often a "bust up" over him. So he clearly liked his girls young and impressionable.

I dont actually care if his career or whatever comes into jeopardy. He still did the things he did and I think its wrong.

I am very torn over what to do but will definately ring a helpline and have a chat at the least.

This all happened 14 years ago.

OP posts:
AyeRobot · 09/04/2011 14:02

LDNmummy, you're still doing it. The law is clear. If you disagree with the law, then lobby your MP.

OP, helpline is a sensible way forward. I hope you don't mind me clarifying some of the legal aspects of your situation. Good luck with the call.

Original poster
handsoffmycake · 09/04/2011 14:04

Dont mind at all AyeRobot and thanks for advice.

OP posts:
LDNmummy · 09/04/2011 14:05

I don't think she led him on, thats a bit reaching isnt it. I was saying there is more to the internal dynamics of this than we can understand unless we know all the details.

OP, If it comes across as if I am saying you are somehow responsible then please understand that that is not at all what I mean. I understand that you must be feeling a whole load of not very pleasant emotions around this and am sorry you are having to experience this.

But, unless we know th full story, I do not feel we can judge. Simple as that.

And as I said before, as a 24 year old myself, I do find it wholly disgusting, but some people at 24 are not mentally like others at 24.

edam · 09/04/2011 14:07

LDN - why the sympathy and understanding and 'oh, maybe he was very immature' for the 24 year old and not the 12 yos?

LeroyJethroGibbs · 09/04/2011 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LDNmummy · 09/04/2011 14:12

I just extended my sympathies towards to the OP, I can only imagine how this situation makes her feel.

Just because I am not condemning the other party totally, does not mean I sympathise with him any more.

I actually think the OP is having to deal with, what I consider, serious psychological and emotional issues because of this and I can only say how sorry I am that she has to deal with this. Especially as it seems to be following her around for more than a decade, thats horrid.

But it does not mean that I will pass judgement on a situation like this without knowing all the details.

Deliainthemaking · 09/04/2011 14:13

Im sorry to hear that OP

not it was not OKay 24 > 12 big age differance if a 24 yr old is attracted to a 12 yr old not really healthy tbh.

Its depressingly common and his job is worrying too

you seeing anyone about the depression??

LDNmummy · 09/04/2011 14:15

See I would definitely advise LeroyJethro to report, that is horrid! But she has posted details that prompt me to think it a situation that is definitely something to report.