Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to report this man to someone (serious)

141 replies

handsoffmycake · 09/04/2011 07:09

I know AIBU gets high traffic and I need a range of replies I think.

I am now in my late 20s but when I was 12/13 I fell in with the wrong crowd. It was a group of much older "skater boys" whom me and my friend who was also 12/13 hung around with a lot. My friend ended up having (repeated) sex with the main "ringleader" he was 24 at the time and though it wasnt rape or anything I felt she was much too young but was very naive at the time.

I also ended up in the bed of this "man" and though he didnt pressure me into full sex I did not feel in control and the experience totally shattered my confidence as a young teen and up to now.

I look back now and am disgusted at the behaviour of this group of people and whilst am very disappointed with my own behaviour I feel in some way I was "groomed" for it.

I know there is a lot of underage sex going on in the world but when I look back this really bothers me, especially as the main man involved works in a careers advice job helping young people. He is also linked to a school with his work. I know he still does this line of work as I have seen him there and seen his facebook page.

I have never fully got over the experiences I had and worry that my depression is clouding my judgement but I worry that this man is still "using" young people.

Or could it just have been innocent and a mistake on his part as a young man? (though IMO 24 is old enough to know better)

So my question is would I be unreasonable to report this mans previous actions to someone so they could maybe just check it out? Or should I just move on and try and forget. And just who would I report it to?

Thanks for any replies.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 09/04/2011 07:40

Report it to the police, yes. Are you still in touch with your friend? Would she back your story up? If not, it may be too difficult to progress it any further.

While it would be lovely to think that you can report him and he might then be prevented from doing this to other young girls, I don't think that anything can happen without some kind of offence being accepted as having happened - and that needs your friend's corroboration. Or someone else who has suffered the same experience - it doesn't have to be your friend - but there does have to be a "victim" for there to be a crime, afaik.

I'll put a message out for SharonGless - she's a PO and might be able to help you with this.

Original poster
handsoffmycake · 09/04/2011 07:41

I think this is why its taken me so long just to ask the question "can anything be done?" the thought of having to go through a huge investigation is awful.

Also the friend who he had sex with repeatedly seems ok with the past.

OP posts:
Original poster
handsoffmycake · 09/04/2011 07:44

Thanks thumbwitch I dont really talk to my friend anymore but I sort of broached the subject in an email the other day and she was all full of "the good old days" and I just thought "Woah thats not how I see them at all!"

OP posts:
meditrina · 09/04/2011 07:46

Grooming is itself a crime. Even without the possibility of an underage sex charge, the grooming could be investigated. It is a police matter.

Voddy · 09/04/2011 07:49

When we were 14, my best friend at the time was allowed to have her 21 year old boyfriend sleeping in her bed with her. At the time I was outraged that my 'strict' parents wouldn't allow me to have boyfriends staying over (I had never even kissed anyone anyway, so no idea what I was outraged about). Now I am completely disgusted that her parents allowed that to happen. In retrospect, they were divorcing and just were not interested in her.

It is very odd to look back as a parent and see how things actually were, isn't OP?

Ellie02 · 09/04/2011 07:52

How awful for you op, can you be a bit more direct with your friend, say "remember what's his name, he was awful" or something along those lines and see how she responds?

PlopPlopPing · 09/04/2011 07:54

When I was 13 my friend had sex with a 19 year old (consensual but obviously too young to make that decision) and he was charged and found guilty. I think he got 2 years in prison but I think it might have been suspended, I can't remember.

In my teens I saw quite a bit of this going on and I have often wondered the same OP. There was one man who seemed to seek out young girls and he had "relations" with me and sex with my friend. I think we were around 14. He told me he was 21 initially but turned out to be 27.

When I was 15 (only just and looked very young) I got drunk at a party and had sex with a 26 year old. Or rather he had sex with me. At the time I didn't realise how wrong it was, probably because from earlier experiences had learnt it was normal IYSWIM.

Both these experiences played on my mind for years and I often wondered if I should do something but it took me years to realise how bad it was and by then I felt it had been too long. Reading your story has made me realise that I should have done. I think I was scared about my family finding out and just generally scared.

Original poster
handsoffmycake · 09/04/2011 07:59

Its true voddy at the time I was just stupidly naive and feel like I just went along with it for a quiet life though I knew that it was wrong deep down as I would lie to my Mum and say they were all like older brothers.

This is also why Ive not said anything for years because Ive though "well I knew what I was doing" which of course as I look back now I think FFS I was a child really.

Ellie02 I think I might try and engage with her again. The trouble is I dont want to be best pals with her again IYSWIM as she was always a bit more trouble than I could handle.

OP posts:
PlopPlopPing · 09/04/2011 08:05

I guess your friend may still not have realised how wrong it was. My friend hasn't I'm sure.

Original poster
handsoffmycake · 09/04/2011 08:10

PlopPlopPing I dont think she does realise. Underage sex was happening a lot around us so it was very normal in a lot of ways. At the same time as this was going on - one of our other friends who was 13 was overheard by our teacher at school talking about having sex with one of the other skater people. He was about 22 I think. That was escalated by the teacher and he was charged. I had to give a statement about that one. I just kept quiet about my own experiences as I was so ashamed.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 09/04/2011 08:15

Afaik in the eyes of the law there is a huge difference between a 12 year old and a 13 year old.

I think this man should be reported.

SharonGless · 09/04/2011 08:24

Hi there
Legal definition of rape is that under 13 you cannot consent to a sexual act therefore it is rape.
Because this was before the Sexual Offences Act 2003 it would be dealt with under the previous laws however it is still rape.

However you look at it he has had sex with a12 year old girl when he was 24 which is rape. He also had you in his bed and you haven't disclosed what happened to you but it has obviously had a massive effect on you. You don't have to tell us on here what happened but I suspect there is a lot more gone on than you have said up to now if you have had counselling and you feel "ashamed".

You can report this to the police and it will be dealt with by a Child Protection officer. It will be taken seriously especially because of his current occupation and dealings with young people. However unless your friend confirms what has happened and is willing to give a statement this man will not be prosecuted. Third hand information that he had sex with a 12 yr old is hearsay evidence and not sufficient for someone to be charged iyswim.

I would say trust your instincts and report. If you feel uncomfortable about your experience then something is wrong

PlopPlopPing · 09/04/2011 08:26

I often wonder about one of the men (the one who seemed to be looking for young girls) as he really seemed to seek them out and start by chatting etc and described them as "friends". He told me he was 21 and then some time later said he was 23 then 25 etc until we got to his real age. He had a girlfriend that lived with him who he had also met when she was very young, I always felt so sorry for her. When he first approached me I think I was 15 or maybe 14 but I looked so young! I developed late and was very, very small so probably looked a couple of years younger. I often wonder if way he went about it could be called grooming. I'm not sure. Not right though.

I do occassionally wonder where he is now and if he is still doing it. He'd be in his late 40s now!

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/04/2011 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

welshbyrd · 09/04/2011 08:29

I have got a 12yo, and had a man of that age done this, I would press charges.

24 year olds know the law, and are not as naive as early teens/later teens

He is quite possibly as you said a groomer, he raped two 12 yo children

I know the under thing sometimes come under discretion, I certainly did not wait until I was 16, but fgs the MAN, I caps man because that is what he is, he took advantage of 12 year old.
Poor you, its obviously affected you, even later on in life. Its a crime

hairylights · 09/04/2011 08:41

It's rape as a young person is not deemed by law to be capable of consent. It's rape. Report him.

bringinghomethebacon · 09/04/2011 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nannyl · 09/04/2011 09:31

Yes its rape.

Report it, and then let whoever is responsible investigate / deal with it.
Then its a weight off your mind....
You may stop another teenager being raped by him... of course he may have grown up and stopped, but he may not have, and thats for others to investigate.

Very worrying that this man is working with teenagers, probably un-supervised, because it hasnt yet been reported.

If he looses his job, please rest assured its HIS fault, not yours. He is responsible for his behaviour, end of, and if as a result of his behaviour he looses his job, thats his problem, and IMO you shouldnt even give it a 2nd thought.

Birdsgottafly · 09/04/2011 09:51

If you report it to the police they will interview you and investigate. The Crriminal Prosecution Service will then decide if there is a case to answer. They may not because you were over 13 and the time length. (I am speaking as someone who in their working life deals with this sort of thing). You would be amazed at what doesn't get to court. But OP you will have to go through that process.

If a concern is raised without a criminal case then he may still be put under supervision at work. This will depensd on how 'good' his company is and how on the ball they are towards there safeguarding procedures. You do not need a criminal conviction for it to affect your various registrations to work with children/vulnerable adults, temporally.

Sorry to say but you cannot 'just have a word' with someone if people could then careers would be ruined daily by malious people. There are procedures to follow which will include tracking down and interviewing your friend.

lesley33 · 09/04/2011 10:40

I understand you are most concerned about what this man could be doing with young girls. So why not ring NSPCC, explain this and ask for advice.

I have no idea if you could do something where he could be looked at without you having to go to the police. But NSPCC would know.

I remember as a 17/18 year old that there was a boy in my class going out with a 13 year old. All his class mates were shocked at this.

LessonsinL · 09/04/2011 10:45

I am not belittling your experience with this man at all. However, I think it's very important that you go and have counselling for the experience, and leave him to live his life as you are living yours.

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/04/2011 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littlefish · 09/04/2011 10:55

Good idea about ringing the rape crisis line or NSPCC to talk it through with them.

But Lessons - this man has shown that he, in the past, has shown extremely dubious judgement (to say the least), and has engaged in criminal actions with extremely young girls. He has gone on to have a career working with young people. Although I agree that the OP does need to tread carefully, as wrongful accusations can end careers, I think it's vital that she explores this more fully with the appropriate agencies, for her own mental health, and the protection of other vunerable children and young people.

I'm not suggesting that this is a wrongful accusation by the way.

edam · 09/04/2011 10:56

Please DON'T 'leave him to live his life'. Because there's a chance that his life still includes grooming and raping 12yos, especially as he has access to young people through work. He will be a trusted adult who is in an ideal position to groom children.

Sharon's a police officer and she has encouraged you to report this to the police. That's the first step to making sure other children can be protected.

If you feel going to the police would be too big a step, then people have suggested Rape Crisis may help you consider what to do, or possibly the NSPCC. But please don't sit on this. There are other 12yos who are at risk right now.

Lesson is probably right about getting counselling, although you say you've had some and it hasn't helped. Perhaps you could ask Rape Crisis for a recommendation?

Good luck. I hope you do report him.

Original poster
handsoffmycake · 09/04/2011 11:41

Thanks for the advice and replies. I think if I did not know he was working in a position of trust with young people then I would just get on and not have said anything.

Its the fact he works in this position still that makes me uncomfortable. I will make a phone call - just thinking on what organisation at the mo but I will make that call and see what can be done.

I totally understand that you cannot make real things happen without going through the proper channels and this is something I will also consider. Thanks to all.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread