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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is dp?

150 replies

Mapley · 08/04/2011 19:47

AiBU?

My ds (just 2) was at nursery today (for ony the 4th time). I was working all day, 20 miles the other side of the city from his nursery, 2 hours by public transport. I don't drive. I am nearing the end of the first significant piece of freelance work I've taken on since he's been born and it was an important and stressful day.

My dp had a half day at his worktoday, he was leaving at lunchtime to drive 150 miles for a holiday weekend away with his friends. He dropped ds off at his nursery before he started work this morning by car, as it's next door to his work. I'd said I'd go and get DS from the nursery after I'd finished work (even though it's take me 3 hours to get there and get home again) so he could leave early and have a long weekend.

I had my phone off in the morning as due to the nature of the work I do I can't answer calls. When I turned it on at lunchtime he phoned to say that he was 30 mins into his drive and ds's nursery had called to say that ds had fallen, and banged his front tooth. Apparently they told him that it bled alot, he cried for 15 mins and it was now wobbly. But, my dp said, that he was fine now and they were just letting us know so he was carrying on his journey.

I couldn't believe he hadn't just turned the car around and gone and got him! I immediately got off the phone, stopped work for the day and called the nursery myself, told them I'd be there as soon as I could to get him and took a taxi there. In the way in a taxi I rang dp and asked him to come back, or atleast not go any further till I got to ds and checked he was OK. But he refused, said that I was overeacting and that if the nursery said he was fine that he wasn't worried.

I think that it was my (or his) responsibility to go and check that ds was alright, and that I wasn't going to take someone elses word for it when my child's health and happiness were concerned.

The taxi cost me £40 to get there. When I got there I didn't like the look of ds's tooth and so phoned the dental hospital, who told me I had an hour to get there before they closed for the weekend. So carrying a bawling ds I ran for a bus, spent an hour on it with an unhappy baby, got to the hospital 10 mins late and begged them to see us. DS is ok, it's nothing terribly serious apparently and there's nothing they could do. The xray dept had shut for the weekend so I don't know if it a root fracture or just a bruiseto the gum, but tis still bleeding and we have a apt on monday for xray and instructions to go to A and E if it's still bleeding tommorow. Didn't get ds back home till after 6, by which time we're both starving and tired. He's in bed now and I'm shattered.

I think my dp was out of order. I think he should have turned the car around, gone and picked him up, brought him to me and together we should have judged whether he was ok or needed medical treatment. Then when we were satisfied and sorted, he could go on holiday, I can't believe he just left me to leave work and spend hours on public transport and in hospital. He says that it didn't sound that serious when the nursery rang him, that they said he was OK ,so he trusted their judgement. and that if he had have come back he would have been letting down his friends and might have got stuck in rush hour traffic.

OP posts:
mumblechum1 · 08/04/2011 19:53

Sorry but at the time your dp made his decision to carry on, it sounded like just a bump (as kids have alll the time) so he was in the right to carry on and tell you you were over reacting.

It was only later that it looked as tho' there was a real problem.

Even now, it may not be that serious and you may, in retrospect, feel that you overreacted - it's the not knowing that's the prob.

amberleaf · 08/04/2011 19:54

Letting down his friends ?????

YANBU

You were at work...he was on a jolly

blackeyeddog · 08/04/2011 19:56

Yes your dp is way out of order. I would be mightily pissed off. 2 year old sneed mum or dad when they've hurt themselves .q1

mumblechum1 · 08/04/2011 19:56

The nursery didn't ask you to collect him, they were just letting you know he'd banged himself. I think if they'd asked him to have him collected, it'd be different.

FabbyChic · 08/04/2011 19:56

I think you over reacted its a baby tooth, if he looses it his second set will replace it in a few years.

There was no hurry, if a nursery thought it was a concern they would have asked you to collect hm.

catchmeifyoucan · 08/04/2011 19:57

Sorry - tiny bit PFB. It was a wobbly tooth not a hip replacement! YABU

LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 08/04/2011 19:57

What amberleaf said.

shouldnthavegoogled · 08/04/2011 19:58

What amberleaf said.

Tee2072 · 08/04/2011 19:58

You overreacted. If you don't trust the nursery to tell if your son is okay, why send him there?

unfitmother · 08/04/2011 20:00

My first reaction is always ' of course it's your DP' but not in this case, sorry.

blackeyeddog · 08/04/2011 20:02

It was a wobbly tooth not a hip replacement! lol. maddest comment.

Bogeyface · 08/04/2011 20:06

Hmmm.... tough one.

On the one hand I have to say that I think you over reacted to a banged tooth. Believe me you will see far worse over the years and spending that sort of time and money on a bashed mouth really is an over reaction, especially as there are OOH clinics etc open over the weekened. Unless the tooth had actually come out, it could have waited until tomorrow. It seems that you really dont trust the nursery if you arent prepared to take their word for it that he is ok. Have you only just gone back to work and are not entirely happy with it? Or are you not 100% about having him in childcare? It does seem like a big reaction to a small thing, although I appreciate that after 5 kids I may be a bit more blase about such things than a first timer!

Having said all that, if I felt that a situation was serious enough to ask DH for help in the way you did, I would be annoyed at an outright refusal and an unwillingness to compromise.

But it really does seem that your issue is about more than a single accident at nursery.

FAB5 · 08/04/2011 20:06

My son was about 4 when he came off his bike and bashed his face. I had it all under control but as soon as DDH heard he left work immediately and came home to take ds to an emergency dentist after picking us up from A & E.

YANBU.

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 08/04/2011 20:07

I'm with you OP. I do understand why people are saying you're overreacting, because the nursery implied ds was ok, but tbh that's not the point. A grazed knee would be different but a mouth injury with blood must have been very scary for your ds - and for you to hear about! In that situation I'd pick ds up even if the nursery said not to worry, I would have thought any parent would want to do that if they could (and your DH could as it was only a social thing, not work)

TheMonster · 08/04/2011 20:08

YABU and have over reacted. The nursery would have told someone to come and get him if that was necessary. It wasn't.

FuppyGish · 08/04/2011 20:11

YANBU, Your DP put his own wants before those of his child IMHO.

RueLaChesty · 08/04/2011 20:14

i would say yanbu however, had your dp turned back and checked on ds and deemed him fine would you have been satisfied or would you have expected dp to bring ds to you or vice versa?

If you wouldn't trust dps judgement then i'd say a tiny bit pfb.

But, if the nursery felt it serious enough to contact you then imo it was serious enough to check on.

bemybebe · 08/04/2011 20:15

Agree with FabbyChic, but I sympathize with you as you probably do not have the experience yet. Smile

atswimtwolengths · 08/04/2011 20:29

I don't think he should have been off on his holiday at that time anyway - you were having to make a 3 hour trip on public transport just so that he could go early? That is totally unfair on his part.

Balsam · 08/04/2011 20:49

In your DP's defence, the nursery did say he was fine and they were just letting him know that the accident had happened. Didn't sound serious.

I appreciate that the idea of your child in pain and distress when you're not there is horrible but, frankly, that's one of the downsides of being a working mother. You've got to be able to trust the people looking after him to judge if he is OK or not.

Balsam · 08/04/2011 20:50

And it's not just working mothers of course - will come to SAHMs when they reach school age and beyond....

Dancergirl · 08/04/2011 20:55

YABU

The nursery said he was fine!! If they'd been concernced they would have asked you or dp to get him. You're over-reacting.

But hell, a 2 hour journey for you from your work to his nursery?? Are there no nurseries nearer to your work? Suppose something like this happens again and dp is not around?

spidookly · 08/04/2011 20:57

YABU, he is not.

You overreacted, which is understandable, but it was your choice to leave work and spend the entire day hoofing it around town to no purpose at all.

Your DP thought (probably correctly), based on what he was told by the nursery, that it was reasonable to continue with his plans. I'd probably have done the same TBH.

Your judgement and his diverged here, I don't really understand why you think he should have to defer to your judgement (and do as you tell him) just because you are a worrier.

mumblechum1 · 08/04/2011 21:04

Your ds probably would have settled down in the afternoon instead of being dragged around unnecessarily.

BlueFergie · 08/04/2011 21:06

Yes on balance I think YABU.

I can see why you wanted to reassure yourself but I can understand where DP was coming from. Seasoned professionals whom you have trusted to mind your child have said there was no need to come and pick him up. A wobbly tooth sounds bad but really there is very little any dentist is going to do about it since its a first set of teeth. I am sure DS was upset as it was sore plus blood but I am sure he had calmed down after the initial shock. i think your DP seems a lot more comfortable with the childcare than you do...maybe you should look at what your issue is with this?

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