or is dp?

[Mapley]

AiBU?

My ds (just 2) was at nursery today (for ony the 4th time). I was working all day, 20 miles the other side of the city from his nursery, 2 hours by public transport. I don't drive. I am nearing the end of the first significant piece of freelance work I've taken on since he's been born and it was an important and stressful day.

My dp had a half day at his worktoday, he was leaving at lunchtime to drive 150 miles for a holiday weekend away with his friends. He dropped ds off at his nursery before he started work this morning by car, as it's next door to his work. I'd said I'd go and get DS from the nursery after I'd finished work (even though it's take me 3 hours to get there and get home again) so he could leave early and have a long weekend.

I had my phone off in the morning as due to the nature of the work I do I can't answer calls. When I turned it on at lunchtime he phoned to say that he was 30 mins into his drive and ds's nursery had called to say that ds had fallen, and banged his front tooth. Apparently they told him that it bled alot, he cried for 15 mins and it was now wobbly. But, my dp said, that he was fine now and they were just letting us know so he was carrying on his journey.

I couldn't believe he hadn't just turned the car around and gone and got him! I immediately got off the phone, stopped work for the day and called the nursery myself, told them I'd be there as soon as I could to get him and took a taxi there. In the way in a taxi I rang dp and asked him to come back, or atleast not go any further till I got to ds and checked he was OK. But he refused, said that I was overeacting and that if the nursery said he was fine that he wasn't worried.

I think that it was my (or his) responsibility to go and check that ds was alright, and that I wasn't going to take someone elses word for it when my child's health and happiness were concerned.

The taxi cost me £40 to get there. When I got there I didn't like the look of ds's tooth and so phoned the dental hospital, who told me I had an hour to get there before they closed for the weekend. So carrying a bawling ds I ran for a bus, spent an hour on it with an unhappy baby, got to the hospital 10 mins late and begged them to see us. DS is ok, it's nothing terribly serious apparently and there's nothing they could do. The xray dept had shut for the weekend so I don't know if it a root fracture or just a bruiseto the gum, but tis still bleeding and we have a apt on monday for xray and instructions to go to A and E if it's still bleeding tommorow. Didn't get ds back home till after 6, by which time we're both starving and tired. He's in bed now and I'm shattered.

I think my dp was out of order. I think he should have turned the car around, gone and picked him up, brought him to me and together we should have judged whether he was ok or needed medical treatment. Then when we were satisfied and sorted, he could go on holiday, I can't believe he just left me to leave work and spend hours on public transport and in hospital. He says that it didn't sound that serious when the nursery rang him, that they said he was OK ,so he trusted their judgement. and that if he had have come back he would have been letting down his friends and might have got stuck in rush hour traffic.

YANBU.

I just asked my DH what he would do if we were in your situation and he said he would want to check on our LO if he received a call to say he had fallen and was/had been bleeding.

Which means a lot considering he works away from home and would have to make a 250 mile, 5 hour trip to get there. So realistically, I'd still be the one to go and collect LO but at least I know DH would understand why I felt it necessary.

I've had so many friends complain that their childs nursery or school didn't let them know about an accident or didn't tell them how bad an injury was.

I would want to see for myself if my child was okay and I don't see what's so wrong with that or why people have to talk about PFB's and so imply that your reaction was a bad thing.

Mouth injuries can really hurt, I knocked a tooth out when I was about five and was sitting in the street crying for my mum with blood pouring everywhere and it hurt.

And you posted this at almost 8pm saying that his mouth is still bleeding. If that is the case I doubt he would have been okay through the rest of the day and I think most parents would be angry with their childs nursery if they had been told there was nothing to worry about and arrived hours later to collect a still-bleeding child.

1. I didn't say your career was not fine - I said that if you need to be contactable at all times because you do not trust your dp to make the right decision then you will have to either not work or do work that doesn't involve turning the phone off. You state that the children that you were seeing needed your constant attention every second, you could not even glance away and that you should have been at work all day. Who looked after the children when you dropped everything and dashed off even though the nursery said your son banged his tooth and it bled but it was fine now and he's stopped crying.

If you pay as little attention to what dp has said as you have to my comments he may very well have turned his phoine off to avoid you provoking an argument. Or he may be in an area with a poor signal.

Get over yourself woman or you'll be a nervous wreck before your child is five.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeell ...

TBH I can see both sides here. Your DP is on holiday - a weekend that was (presumably) booked a while ago. He is therefore 'off duty'. As the parent 'on duty' it is your responsibility to look after your son.

However, two unexpected things have happened - you are ill and you got a piece of freelance work. Despite your illness, though, you accepted the work - so you can't be that ill? (Not trying to be harsh here, just trying to put this into some sort of perspective). You may feel shit, but you were still at work yesterday, so presumably your DP thought all was (reasonably) well with you, and that you were quite capable of looking after your DS.

But then a third thing happened - your DS had his accident.

What this shows is that you have to have a back-up plan for childcare, because things will happen and things will go wrong.

I really understand how you are cross with your DP about not being available to you, but why should he be when he's already booked his holiday and agreed it with you?

You may have expected your DP to be the back-up plan, whereas he clearly believes that he is on holiday. And why is it not ok for him to have his phone switched off when it is ok for you to have yours switched off? Undoubtedly you will say that you/your work/your DS are more important than DP's holiday - but is that really fair?

(I don't know what he's doing but if, for example, he's playing golf then he will not be allowed to use a mobile phone on the course.)

I hope you're feeling better today, because looking after children is demanding at the best of times, never mind when they're unhappy and you're poorly!

Back up there a minute to the 3 Missed Calls turnpike.

So he was at work, he missed 3 calls, they were from an "unknown number", he knew the nursery number was not entered into his phone, but he trotted off on his holidays without even a cursory check to see who was trying to get in touch?

I withdraw my earlier yabu and replace it with a massive hibvvvvvu

Given this new information, and what you've said about the nursery's attitude, I suspect he made it quite clear to them that he was on the road and could only come in a dire emergency.

There is a big difference between "he's fine, don't worry" and "if you really can't make it he'll be OK until this evening".

The second you show up for unless you really can't, and he made quite an effort to engineer a situation in which he thought it justifiable not to come.

But in fact, even half an hour down the road he should've turned back for a poorly child in a strange nursery.

He put his holiday ahead of his son. How utterly shit of him.

Yes I think so too, and he's admitted it and apologised since he's been back.

Ds has tooth xrayed today and there's no fracture (hurray!) but unfortunately it's been pushed into his adult teeth, meaning there will be problems with his front teeth when they come through. Aw shame :-(

Thanks for all imput, tWas really helpful this weekend. I appreciate it!

Mapley, I think you are getting a hard time here! Your DH knew he was the one on call for the nursery so should have checked the missed calls before he set off. Especially as he was the parent on site, and especially as he had the car.

The cynic in me thinks that some people would have realised that it was likely to be the nursery calling, figured out that it meant there had been a problem with their child, and deliberately not checked it out because doing so would have delayed their holiday getaway. If he's been stupid and not checked out the call then you need to clarify your back up plans. If he has deliberately ignored it because he was prioritising a quick getaway ahead of your son's health, I'd be livid.

Hope the damage to adult teeth is not as bad as you fear.

He said that when he saw the missed calls he tried to ring the nursery before he left and that they didn't answer, so he left.

I am still angry, but am trying to let it go. He's apologised so I need to accept that.

We've got a follow up appointment in 3 months to xray his jaw again and ascertain the likelihood of damage. Apparently it's enamel damage, and the adult tooth might be discoloured.

I think your partner is selfish and irresponsible, if my DH had ever done this type of thing he would not have stayed my DH for very long, why should you have had to have your phone on when he should have been available to go and pick your son up straight away?

I can't believe the amount of people defending his selfish behaviour, they must be used to selfish and incompetent men and see it as the norm.

Sorry to hear about the tooth damage Mapley. Hope you are feeling better.

So he tried to call the nursery before he left? That means he knew, before he left, that the nursery had tried to call 3 times, and still left anyway. That is VVV U - nurseries do not call multiple times unless it is a serious problem. I agree with Spidookly that your DH may well have engineered the conversation to hear what he wanted to hear.

He also made sure he was uncontactable the rest of the weekend so that he couldn't hear any further requests for him to come home (eg because your illness got worse or DS's tooth needed urgent treatment after all).

The question is, how do you trust someone again who prioritises a weekend away over his DS? Your DH is going to have to do some running here.

I think the truth as always lies somewhere in the middle. I don't think he's awful, but I do think he was selfish and didn't think it through. I don't think I was hideously over protective, but ds would have probably been ok if I'd left him till i'd finished work. Just one of those things, and something I know know we need to talk about and agree a joint approach for the future.

YABU!

Totall and utter over reaction - goodness me- how will you be if something terrible happened?

You resnet your DP going away for the weekend so acted in this manner to try and make him feel guilty or to get him to realise he hasn't acted responsible or caring enough in the past as regards you, your child or something else.

it is passive aggression.

Youaretoonicenot. That's bollocks. OP, I don't think you were unreasonable or over protective. I think you should have been able to trust your DP to handle this. As you.say, he has apologised and you'll talk about it. Hope your son's teeth are ok.
BTW does anyone else think that MN is a bit obsessed with driving?

A person's true personality and their priorities come out in situations like this, he has shown you who he is - and his priorities?

Fucking off with his mates for a jolly, that's his priority, not going to his baby who was hurt and upset, only 2 days into his nursery.
I'm obviously used to a far more decent and caring man than many on here, there is no way my DH would have done this, he would have been round there as soon as he'd got the call.

I certainly wouldn't leave work unless childminder had specifically asked me to pick the child up as if she said it was all under control it would be!

Wouldn't expect DH to do any different.

Neither would I, for example have missed my train when I went away last weekend unless there was something seriously wrong.

My son had 2 front teeth knocked out on separate days and his adult teeth are fine. They are discoloured but that is due to antibiotics as a baby so try not to worry. HTH.

Well yes, like I said the truth probably lies somewhere in the middle! :-)

Funny how their can be such wildly different views of the same situation. Fir the record, I think both if us are quite nice! But possibly fallible!

Thanks all! X

Thanks FAB that's kind of you to say. Yes i'm not going to worry, could have been alot worse and no doubt will be in the future. He'll still have a beautiful smile no matter!

Youaretoonicenot. That's bollocks.

Mapley - I think you are wise to come to this conclusion! It illustrates the minefield that is childcare, however - and the need to have a Plan B, C and D!

To all those who say the op should trust the nursery - doesnt trust take time to build up? It was only the 4th time theyd used the nursery. Of course they would have had a look around, check ofsted reports, word of mouth etc - but then decided to use the nursery on a gut feeling. Gut feelings can be wrong.
op - i think your dh was being unreasonable. He should have known that you would want someone to go there even if he thought it was unneccessary.
I think this is less about a wobbly tooth and more about a little boy in pain with unfamiliar people in unfamiliar surroundings.

Och I'm sure I'm going to get totally flames here, but I'm so fed up.

Alone again this weekend. Because dp was away last weekend I couldn't do any work to produce the final work for the project I'm working on. So therefore needed it to do it this weekend and therefore asked dp if he could look after ds.

So he decides that he'll take ds away for the weekend to a party with friends in a place I love and with people I love. I'm gutted that I can't go, I really want to. I really want a weekend away but I've got so much work to do , that I wouldn't have to do still if he hadn't gone away last weekend.

So I'm stuck on my own again feeling very sad that the last two weekends I will have been fed up and alone while he's away enjoying himself. I want us to go away together, but apparently we can't afford it the next two bank holidays. And he's not that bothered about a holiday.

In his eyes, he doesn't know what my problem is. He's looking after ds like I asked.

I feel spoilt and selfish and too dependant, lonely and fed up. Still I'll too .

Don't know what's going on with me. :-(

Well being ill won't make you feel any better about it, and it's bound to distort your perspective.

Your dp is helping you - you can't work with your ds around, and you need to work - unfortunately that's just a reality of working life.

I'm sorry that you feel you're missing out on something, but remember that the work you are doing is for your livelihood.

I really think that you need to get more consistent childcare sorted out, so that you are free to work more often, without it cutting into your free time.

I don't understand how he can afford to be away this weekend and last if you can't afford to go away as a family over the next two weekends.

Should have been one weekend away for him and one for the family.

Because he controls the majority if the finances.

The last two weekend will have cost him about £400. I was trying to get him to look at doing stuff the next two weekends with me this week that would have been about £300. But he wasn't that enthused by it and said we couldn't really afford it.

And that if I wanted to go away then i should just go and do it so I don't feel hard done by when he does.

I'm all confused. Can't figure it out anymore.

Yes need more childcare and more financial independance.

Had just been so content and in love with new motherhood and dp I've not really been thinking independantly. Seems he is.

Not what I thought our relationship was.

All confused :-(