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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is dp?

150 replies

Mapley · 08/04/2011 19:47

AiBU?

My ds (just 2) was at nursery today (for ony the 4th time). I was working all day, 20 miles the other side of the city from his nursery, 2 hours by public transport. I don't drive. I am nearing the end of the first significant piece of freelance work I've taken on since he's been born and it was an important and stressful day.

My dp had a half day at his worktoday, he was leaving at lunchtime to drive 150 miles for a holiday weekend away with his friends. He dropped ds off at his nursery before he started work this morning by car, as it's next door to his work. I'd said I'd go and get DS from the nursery after I'd finished work (even though it's take me 3 hours to get there and get home again) so he could leave early and have a long weekend.

I had my phone off in the morning as due to the nature of the work I do I can't answer calls. When I turned it on at lunchtime he phoned to say that he was 30 mins into his drive and ds's nursery had called to say that ds had fallen, and banged his front tooth. Apparently they told him that it bled alot, he cried for 15 mins and it was now wobbly. But, my dp said, that he was fine now and they were just letting us know so he was carrying on his journey.

I couldn't believe he hadn't just turned the car around and gone and got him! I immediately got off the phone, stopped work for the day and called the nursery myself, told them I'd be there as soon as I could to get him and took a taxi there. In the way in a taxi I rang dp and asked him to come back, or atleast not go any further till I got to ds and checked he was OK. But he refused, said that I was overeacting and that if the nursery said he was fine that he wasn't worried.

I think that it was my (or his) responsibility to go and check that ds was alright, and that I wasn't going to take someone elses word for it when my child's health and happiness were concerned.

The taxi cost me £40 to get there. When I got there I didn't like the look of ds's tooth and so phoned the dental hospital, who told me I had an hour to get there before they closed for the weekend. So carrying a bawling ds I ran for a bus, spent an hour on it with an unhappy baby, got to the hospital 10 mins late and begged them to see us. DS is ok, it's nothing terribly serious apparently and there's nothing they could do. The xray dept had shut for the weekend so I don't know if it a root fracture or just a bruiseto the gum, but tis still bleeding and we have a apt on monday for xray and instructions to go to A and E if it's still bleeding tommorow. Didn't get ds back home till after 6, by which time we're both starving and tired. He's in bed now and I'm shattered.

I think my dp was out of order. I think he should have turned the car around, gone and picked him up, brought him to me and together we should have judged whether he was ok or needed medical treatment. Then when we were satisfied and sorted, he could go on holiday, I can't believe he just left me to leave work and spend hours on public transport and in hospital. He says that it didn't sound that serious when the nursery rang him, that they said he was OK ,so he trusted their judgement. and that if he had have come back he would have been letting down his friends and might have got stuck in rush hour traffic.

OP posts:
BecauseImWoeufIt · 16/04/2011 13:13

Oh dear. It sounds like you both need to have a long conversation about your expectations of each other, and what's going on in this relationship.

spidookly · 16/04/2011 13:14

So he keeps all the money and doesn't want to spend any time with you?

No wonder you're lonely and unhappy.

I think it's time to take a long hard look at this relationship.

It doesn't sound like a very nice place to be.

Original poster
Mapley · 16/04/2011 13:49

Is it unreasonable to wish he'd just been able to say to himself "mapely hadn't been feeling well, has been busy with work and isn't able to come away this weekend. So I'll give this party a miss, stay home and support her and focus my energies and finances on next weekend. "

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 16/04/2011 13:52

I would feel sad and lonely too, I imagine you had in mind 'can you take DS to the park', not 'can you go off and have a fab weekend without me'.

If you definitely have the time to do stuff the next two weekends, can you come up with something you both want to do that doesn't cost a lot?

Original poster
Mapley · 16/04/2011 13:52

He thinks I'm being spoilt and selfish by feeling sad he's going without me because I can't come. He thinks he's doing me a favour by taking ds with him. Thinks i'm not that ill because I've kept on going to work and looking after ds and not moaning that much, so doesn't think I'm needing any support.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 16/04/2011 13:54

x-post

Did you tell him flat out that you would prefer him to stay? Or do you think he honestly believes he's doing the most helpful thing?

dreamingbohemian · 16/04/2011 13:54

damn x-post again Blush

CinnabarRed · 16/04/2011 13:56

No, it's not unreasonable at all. It's what DP or I would have decided as a matter of course if either of us had been in your DP's place. And on the rare occasions when one of us is working at the weekend the other will go out of his/her way to make the evenings a relaxing time for the working one (baths, special meal, DVD, etc).

I was on your side with the whole nursery/tooth debacle, once all the facts had emerged, and am even more firmly on your side now.

Nothing wrong with time apart from your partner - but not to the exclusion of family time or the detriment of the activities you can do together on another occasion.

CinnabarRed · 16/04/2011 14:03

Presumably taking DS to the park would have been less fun for your DP, so he decided to spend all of the money on this second weekend away. What an arse.

He's the one being selfish here. And it shouldn't take too much empathy from him to realise that.

He sounds as if he has quite a strong sense of entitlement.

By all means sit him down and have a long conversation about your differing expectations over what life as a family should be like. Hopefully he'll see your point of view. But do some thinking beforehand about how you would feel and react if instead it turns out that this is fundamentally who he is.

Original poster
Mapley · 16/04/2011 14:04

Yes I asked him not to go. He says i'm being selfish and jealous by expecting him not to see his friends. I even made suggestions if how we could both go, by only going for a day, so I still had a day to work, but apparently that was too much driving in 24 hours and would mean he wouldn't be able to drink and enjoy the party. I feel I should say in the interests of fairness to him that the party is being thrown by a friend who usually lives abroad and is back for a week. Not a close friend though, and he'll also be local next week if dp wanted to meet him for a drink. But thus weekend he's throwing a bug party in a beautiful place with camping, music, bonfires and lots if mutual friends there.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 16/04/2011 14:06

I'm not sure he was unreasonable to want to go -- he and DS get to have fun together, you get to do your work, and maybe rest a bit and recover. I can see why he thought that was a good plan, before you told him otherwise.

But, I think it's pretty mean to call you spoilt and selfish for not wanting him to go, and I think it's very unreasonable to say there's no money for family fun after two weekends away.

It sounds like you could use some support and hugs right now, and some nice family time together. I think it's a jerk move for him to say this makes you selfish.

I hope this is just a blip and you can talk things out. Has he done things like this before?

CinnabarRed · 16/04/2011 14:09

So the obvious solution would have been to go for one day, so you could have gone too. Sad that having a drink meant more to him than your happiness this weekend.

If you only have one day of work to do over the weekend, could you blitz it today and then treat yourself to lovely things tomorrow? Haircut, facial, long walk in the woods, hot bath, favourite foods, etc?

Original poster
Mapley · 16/04/2011 14:18

He's mainly lovely. He operates on a very logical level though, doesn't really get my emotional responses to things.

For instance when I first found out I was pregnant we'd only been together 3 months. He had a two week holiday booked to another continent. He'd been saving up and looking forward to it. Logically it was planned, he wanted to go and I would sti be pregnant when came back so he went. I was a mess the whole time he was away.

He thinks I'm being too dependant, that there should be room in our relationship for us to do our own thing. And that I should do
more myself and stop feeling jealous.

I have no childcare and a career as well as ds. I don't feel I have enough energy to look for independant things too, I want to spend time with him and with ds. I'm proud of myself enough by maintaining my career this last 2 years, I'm not in the mental space for building an independant social life. Nit that I don't have my own friends, but He us much
more confident and socially driven than me.

Ah am rambling. I should get on and make myself concentrate now. Thanks for sympathy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mapley · 16/04/2011 14:23

My work is as long as a piece of string, I'm an artist, making art is not a measurable predictable process. I need plenty days really, but could have crammed it into one. Probably better I didn't.

I'm not doing very well though in this crap state of mind. Don't feel particularly inspired.

Focus!

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 16/04/2011 14:24

Is he doing 50% of the childcare and household chores? If not then no wonder he's got more emotional and physical energy than you have.

If there is an imbalance (after taking into account different work patterns) then you need to get him to pull his weight.

CoteDAzur · 16/04/2011 14:26

YABU. Nursery didn't ask either of you to collect him. Why on earth should he lose at least a half day because your toddle fell and "cried for 15 mins"?

Also YABU re his planned trip when you found out you were pregnant. I agree with him that you would still be pregnant when he returned, and you wouldn't be giving birth nor having an important scan in that time, so why should he have cancelled his trip?

CinnabarRed · 16/04/2011 14:28

Are you an artist? I thought you worked with disabled children. How does that work? (Fascinated, not cynical, BTW!)

Original poster
Mapley · 16/04/2011 14:35

I'm an artist who works with disabled children. I teach them art and help them exhibit their work.

I think there's a gulf between our ways of thinking. He sees things very black and White and logically. I'm more emotional and sensitive. He's an accountant. I think that most people that have told me iabu think more like he does, and vice versa.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mapley · 16/04/2011 14:39

I do the lionshare of childcare and domestic chores. Unless I remind him I am and ask him to step up and then he will for a while. To be fair to jim, he does help when asked or prompted. But the majority falls to me because he works 9 to 5. I work here there and everywhere, usually when ds is napping so I'm at home more.

OP posts:
spidookly · 16/04/2011 14:43

Well I think more like he does and I think he's being a complete dick to you.

Someone who uses "logic" to make sure they always get their own way and then accuses people who don't agree with this supposedly impartial logic that they are being emotional and selfish is a manipulative bully.

spidookly · 16/04/2011 14:49

Logic in this situation would have dictated that

  1. He was away last weekend, so shouldn't fuck off for a second weekend in a row
  1. There isn't enough household money (supposedly) for 2 weekends away, so therefore he should not get both of them.
  1. Maximum enjoyment for maximum people would have meant everyone going for 1 day rather than him going for 1 (this logic only holds if you give a shit about everyone's happiness and not just your own. See last weekends shenanigans for evidence that this is not the case for him).

He has not gone because of logic, he has gone because of selfishness.

And if you're working, and doing the lion's share of household tasks then you have a major problem if he's controlling all the money.

Original poster
Mapley · 16/04/2011 14:52

See yes I was still pregnant when he came back, correct. DS wasn't in any terrible danger at nursey, yes correct. And I have to work this weekend and he wants to go to a party, yes correct. But it doesn't take into account any emotions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mapley · 16/04/2011 15:07

Thank you spidookly, I'm tried to argue those points myself. But to be honest i'm not very good at arguing. I either get too angry, too teary or just can't say anything. He's very calm and logical, so I end up feeling ( and probably being) the one in the wrong by swearing or crying or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mapley · 16/04/2011 15:09

I'm probably a nightmare actually. Over emotional, too
sensitive and selfish.

If he was writing this I'm sure he'd get no flames atall.

OP posts:
zikes · 16/04/2011 15:17

Well, tbh, I don't think it's that bad that he's gone. You do need to work so them going off to the party isn't that awful.

I can understand you feeling upset about it, but I do think if the situation was reversed, I'd say to you to go with your ds and leave dh to work.