or is dp?

[Mapley]

AiBU?

My ds (just 2) was at nursery today (for ony the 4th time). I was working all day, 20 miles the other side of the city from his nursery, 2 hours by public transport. I don't drive. I am nearing the end of the first significant piece of freelance work I've taken on since he's been born and it was an important and stressful day.

My dp had a half day at his worktoday, he was leaving at lunchtime to drive 150 miles for a holiday weekend away with his friends. He dropped ds off at his nursery before he started work this morning by car, as it's next door to his work. I'd said I'd go and get DS from the nursery after I'd finished work (even though it's take me 3 hours to get there and get home again) so he could leave early and have a long weekend.

I had my phone off in the morning as due to the nature of the work I do I can't answer calls. When I turned it on at lunchtime he phoned to say that he was 30 mins into his drive and ds's nursery had called to say that ds had fallen, and banged his front tooth. Apparently they told him that it bled alot, he cried for 15 mins and it was now wobbly. But, my dp said, that he was fine now and they were just letting us know so he was carrying on his journey.

I couldn't believe he hadn't just turned the car around and gone and got him! I immediately got off the phone, stopped work for the day and called the nursery myself, told them I'd be there as soon as I could to get him and took a taxi there. In the way in a taxi I rang dp and asked him to come back, or atleast not go any further till I got to ds and checked he was OK. But he refused, said that I was overeacting and that if the nursery said he was fine that he wasn't worried.

I think that it was my (or his) responsibility to go and check that ds was alright, and that I wasn't going to take someone elses word for it when my child's health and happiness were concerned.

The taxi cost me £40 to get there. When I got there I didn't like the look of ds's tooth and so phoned the dental hospital, who told me I had an hour to get there before they closed for the weekend. So carrying a bawling ds I ran for a bus, spent an hour on it with an unhappy baby, got to the hospital 10 mins late and begged them to see us. DS is ok, it's nothing terribly serious apparently and there's nothing they could do. The xray dept had shut for the weekend so I don't know if it a root fracture or just a bruiseto the gum, but tis still bleeding and we have a apt on monday for xray and instructions to go to A and E if it's still bleeding tommorow. Didn't get ds back home till after 6, by which time we're both starving and tired. He's in bed now and I'm shattered.

I think my dp was out of order. I think he should have turned the car around, gone and picked him up, brought him to me and together we should have judged whether he was ok or needed medical treatment. Then when we were satisfied and sorted, he could go on holiday, I can't believe he just left me to leave work and spend hours on public transport and in hospital. He says that it didn't sound that serious when the nursery rang him, that they said he was OK ,so he trusted their judgement. and that if he had have come back he would have been letting down his friends and might have got stuck in rush hour traffic.

"He's very calm and logical, so I end up feeling ( and probably being) the one in the wrong by swearing or crying or something."

Right, so when you disagree about something he does the cold logical thing until you are crying and upset.

Nice.

He really sounds like a bully.

Refusing to take another person's feelings into account is to deny their humanity.

It's a shit way to treat someone.

As is keeping all the money while they do all the work.

It seems like you should have used that few weeks when he abandoned you while you were pregnant to reconsider having a baby with a man that cold.

Also, what's all this crap about you being "too dependent"?

You two have a baby together (in theory, at least) that means you are each dependent on the other.

That's how it works when you share a 24/7/365 responsibility with someone.

I do appreciate you spidookily, but I must clarify, I don't do all the part and he doesn't keep all the money. He works full time and earns 4 times as much as me. Most of my earnings go on past debts that predate our relationship. He pays for all the household expenses and us very generous and fair with money. I just don't have access to much money, apart from house keeping stuff. For instance he has a credit card (which he pays off monthly), which he's paid for the last two weekends from. I don't. So anything big above and beyond day to stuff I can't really decide alone as it's not my money. So for instance we can decide andvplan a holiday together, but I can't do it alone. He does say that if I ever need anything just to ask, but I don't like too as my earnings are so little in comparison to his.

As ds gets older and my debts are paid off in the next couple of years I'll be able to contribute half. That'll make me feel better.

And I've never thought of him as a bully. He is generally lovely. Just IMO selfish these last two weekends.

I wonder whether all this is a reaction to our recent engagement?

I'm an accountant, and I think he's behaving like a tosser. Even accountants have emotions. He's browbeating you, and it's not nice.

Mapley you are the mother of his child, bringing up that child so that he is enabled to go out to work 9 - 5 and earn that money. To my mind this means that the money he earns is the household money, not 'his' money. You should have access to it and you should have the freedom to choose what you spend it on. Yes you need to have shared aims and a shared way of thinking about your money but other than that it should be up to you.

I really simply can't understand this 'his and hers' with money - you've joined yourselves for life, your actual cells have joined and formed a human being from the two of you, but you can't have joint money?!?!

On the other stuff, I think perhaps you are being a little negative (eg, you now don't have to care for DS and can finish your work. That's a good thing. Yes, slightly annoying to miss this weekend because of his weekend away but it's still a good thing this weekend).

I think it sounds as if you feel very disempowered within the relationship (no freedom with money, you do the childcare, work AND the lions share of the housework). I think you need to empower yourself by TELLING your DH what you will and won't do in terms of the house/childcare; by telling him what you see as a more equal balance and by telling him that sometimes you need your feelings acknowledged by him, otherwise you might as well live with a squashed cabbage.

Then from there you also need to concentrate on the positives; and not to look to him for all your emotional needs. He can't meet them all. Perhaps getting in touch with friends more would help to provide other (more emotionally literate) sources of support for you.

Sorry but he sounds incredibly selfish.

My guess is that the reason he's usually lovely is because usually he's able to pretty much as he pleases. It's only when you challenge him on a decision that his true colours show through.

Sleepingsowell, you're right. I need to get pit of this crappy frame if mind.

Just really feeling it. Been ill or the boys been I'll for the duration of this whole project, and it's taken all my energy to loom after ds and go and do the work.

I do have friends to talk to. I do have other things I can do, but I just was so happy being us 3. :-(

Wow you know I didn't expect to fund sympathy. I thought I'd get a kick up the ass pull yourself together woman. He's so sure that I'm being selfish. When he left I was in tears ( not proud, but couldn't help it) abd he said that if I had legitimate cause to stop him going apart from jealously and selfishness then he'd listen.

He actually said that to you?

Like you were a child?

He sounds like an utter cock, and he's wearing you down.

Look, all the things he is making you ashamed of about yourself are GOOD THINGS. Sure, maybe you are a little over emotional about things, but that does not mean you deserve to be ridiculed, ignored and treated as a non-person unless you act as he demands. It means that maybe when you're being a bit ott a person who loved you gets to tease you a little bit, gently.

He is getting at the very core of who you are and telling you it is inadequate. And you are buying it.

If he's so generous with money and will give you money for what you need then why is there no money for next weekend? Or the one after?

Are you really going to marry someone who diminishes you like this?

He's not an utter cock.

I don't know what to think. The last couple of weekend have really upset me .

But I do love him and he does so much that is good.

I was so chuffed when I got offered thus contract, thought it would be a good thing to get me back into the game seriously. Wish I hadn't taken it now.

Sure, it's your job that's the problem. Not the man who is cruel to you.

I took on DH's debts and treated them as my own, before we had got married. As it would us to pay off less in the long run.

I will never understand how long term commited couples can have such separate finances

And 15 years ago I put my then DH through university - fees and living expenses because he'd dropped out of his first attempt at doing a degree and bitterly regretted it subsequently. Sure, I could have refused, had him take out loans and work evenings. But it didn't cross my mind because we were a partnership. Instead I converted my bank accountant into a joint account, gave him equal access, never queried how he spent money, and he repaid my trust a hundredfold by working like a demon on his degree, graduating with a first and getting onto a graduate management programme. The point being, it was our money, not mine. The fact I happened to earn it was irrelevant.

He is behaving like an utter cock though, a massively selfish one as well.

Decent and caring men just don't do this, honestly, they don't.
If you let him carry on this way, you can look forward to this life for however many years it takes until you think, no, I'm worth more than this.

The worst thing that people, especially women can do, is lower your standards and expectations for your partner's behaviour - you are the mother of his children, meant to be the single most important person in his life, where exactly is his respect ( not to mention gratitude) for you and all you do for your family?

Malificence has got it bang on. What you are doing is instead of saying "your behaviour is selfish and unacceptable, something has to change" you are lowering your standards and putting yourself down.

Just because one person behaves in a certain way DOESNT make it right. Is he saying that perhaps he should raise the bar of his behaviour to fit your needs and expectations? No, he is demanding you lower yours. That is selfish END OF.

He's sent me photos of ds and he looks to be having an amazing time. Loads of other kids there, sunshine, farm stuff and music. All his favourite things. Ds will be having a far better time there than he would have been here.

That makes me happy atleast. And got loads done today, and full of ideas for tommorow. Long hot bath now, bit of gardening, bottle of wine then big sleep.

Positive positive positive

Oh thats alright then. dont worry about his selfishness that led to you being left behind inthe first place or the totally shitty things he said to you as he was leaving. Dont worry about how horrible he made you cry and totally disregarded your feelings. Dont worry that he has you questioning yourself constantly and calls you down.

Everythings fine

Yes, and just think. He could have had all that with his mother there too if his father wasn't such a selfish prick.

he probably thought he was doing you a favour, taking the child away out of your hair so you could rip through your work

you do sound a bit dependent on him, why were you a mess when he went on a planned holiday for two weeks?

Hi Mapley, I read your thread through from the start.

If you work then I'm afraid that children will inevitably time their accidents for when you arent directly available. My DCs have had to go to hospital 3 times and on each occasion I have been abroad.

Here I think is the difference though - I trust my DH absolutely, implicitly and without hesitation. I know that DH will absolutely pull out all the stops and drop everything to ensure that his DCs have a parent present in their crises. You need to sit your DP down and explain that this is what being the 'on call' parent means. Accidents happen in the most inocuous of circumstances:

• DS suffered concussion while being looked after by his GPs for an hour
• DS had the end of his finger sliced off while in the care of DH
• DD1 stepped in front of a car while surrounded by friends and neighbours

In the moment none of these accidents could have been prevented or predicted but each needed a parent (in our case DH) to step up to the plate which he did every time.

On the money thing - DH and I have been married since dinosaurs roamed the earth. DH is the main domestic parent (not sure how else to describe this). There is no my money or his money. There is just family money. Our money is spent on doing family things. To me anything else is just plain weird.

DH being at home faciltates my earning.

BTW I'm an accountant

because we'd only been together 3 months, i'd just found out i was 6 weeks pregnant and didn't know what the fuck i was going to do

he does think he's doing me a favour.

it's useful to have so many differing points of view, but doesn't help my confusion! i thank you all for your empathy and thoughts, i do appreciate it. i don't think he's a complete shit . i obviously think he's out of order in these instances or i wouldn't have started the thread, but i do love him and think it'll be ok. just need to figure out how to talk this one out so it doesn't happen again.

Yeah, he probably thought he was doing you a favour as he left you in tears and spoke to you like an errant teenager.

hi gnome de plume, thanks for that input. i agree, that's what we need to work towards . i really your perspective.

Jojowest - I don't want to put words into the OP's mouth, but how do you think you would have felt if you discovered you were pregnant 3 months into a brand new relationship, presumably unplanned, and the father of your unborn child, instead of taking the time to discuss your shared or separate futures and the life changing impact the baby would have, buggered off for a 2 week holiday?

Not needy in the slightest to think his decision to swan off was out of order.