or is dp?

[Mapley]

AiBU?

My ds (just 2) was at nursery today (for ony the 4th time). I was working all day, 20 miles the other side of the city from his nursery, 2 hours by public transport. I don't drive. I am nearing the end of the first significant piece of freelance work I've taken on since he's been born and it was an important and stressful day.

My dp had a half day at his worktoday, he was leaving at lunchtime to drive 150 miles for a holiday weekend away with his friends. He dropped ds off at his nursery before he started work this morning by car, as it's next door to his work. I'd said I'd go and get DS from the nursery after I'd finished work (even though it's take me 3 hours to get there and get home again) so he could leave early and have a long weekend.

I had my phone off in the morning as due to the nature of the work I do I can't answer calls. When I turned it on at lunchtime he phoned to say that he was 30 mins into his drive and ds's nursery had called to say that ds had fallen, and banged his front tooth. Apparently they told him that it bled alot, he cried for 15 mins and it was now wobbly. But, my dp said, that he was fine now and they were just letting us know so he was carrying on his journey.

I couldn't believe he hadn't just turned the car around and gone and got him! I immediately got off the phone, stopped work for the day and called the nursery myself, told them I'd be there as soon as I could to get him and took a taxi there. In the way in a taxi I rang dp and asked him to come back, or atleast not go any further till I got to ds and checked he was OK. But he refused, said that I was overeacting and that if the nursery said he was fine that he wasn't worried.

I think that it was my (or his) responsibility to go and check that ds was alright, and that I wasn't going to take someone elses word for it when my child's health and happiness were concerned.

The taxi cost me £40 to get there. When I got there I didn't like the look of ds's tooth and so phoned the dental hospital, who told me I had an hour to get there before they closed for the weekend. So carrying a bawling ds I ran for a bus, spent an hour on it with an unhappy baby, got to the hospital 10 mins late and begged them to see us. DS is ok, it's nothing terribly serious apparently and there's nothing they could do. The xray dept had shut for the weekend so I don't know if it a root fracture or just a bruiseto the gum, but tis still bleeding and we have a apt on monday for xray and instructions to go to A and E if it's still bleeding tommorow. Didn't get ds back home till after 6, by which time we're both starving and tired. He's in bed now and I'm shattered.

I think my dp was out of order. I think he should have turned the car around, gone and picked him up, brought him to me and together we should have judged whether he was ok or needed medical treatment. Then when we were satisfied and sorted, he could go on holiday, I can't believe he just left me to leave work and spend hours on public transport and in hospital. He says that it didn't sound that serious when the nursery rang him, that they said he was OK ,so he trusted their judgement. and that if he had have come back he would have been letting down his friends and might have got stuck in rush hour traffic.

I have to agree with those saying you over-reacted (only slightly though as it must have been scary for your child and horrid for you to hear).

BUT I think on the scale of things, your DP's commitment was not as important as yours; you were working to afford the damn childcare, in a precarious freelance job (I am freelance too and understand how important it is to be seen to be committed/competent/putting in the time) while he was setting off on a holiday that he could have easily spared two hours from.

Maybe you need to have a talk about what's considered an emergency for your family, and how/who to deal with it.

I hope your DS is OK.

Sorry another YABU and a bit PFB from me too.

I'm sure he would have picked him up if the Nursery had told him to.

Also, are you actually sure they're going to X Ray him because of a baby tooth?

2 phones are better than 1 by the ways and you should always keep it on...even if it's jut on vibrate.

Yes they are going to x ray him, they think it might be a root fracture.

There's no point in having my phone on, the nature of the work makes it useless. I don't sit at a desk, or behind a till. I can't sneak a look even if I felt it vibrating in my pocket until I've finished. It's just not possible. The nursery is part of dp's work. It's literally 5 mins away from his desk. Why shouldn't he take responsibilty?

Thanks bring it back for the empathy and seeing what I was saying. Two hours out of an entire weekend is not too much to ask.

But I'm bleating on, feeling shitty today, on antibiotics for chest infection and feel rubbish. And this thread's just making me feel worse. I'll try and take it all inboard, but can't help feeling fed up.

I think a good chat with your DH is in order about his attitude. Regardless of whether I or anyone else thinks you over reacted, the fact is that he decided he would not take 2 hours out of his free time, and you had to take time out of paid work. The public transport thing compounded the insult.

He certainly needs to step up to the plate when he is needed and stop putting himself first!

"dp had his phone on and was in the building next door, literally 5 mins walk. I was working one to one with children with profound learning disabilities, it's not possible to take a call. But I only needed to have my phone off till lunchtime, when he was close by. Apparently he had 3 missed calls from them, but left anyway because he didn't recognise the number."

Hang on people saying the OP should have her phone on while she's doing work that means she can't answer anyway. Her DP was 'on duty' but didn't answer. Then left for a whole weekend without even checking out the missed calls despite being 'on duty' for calls about his child.

Even if you are overreacting about the injury (I don't know) YANBU to think your DP isn't meeting his responsibilities to your and your child if he can just swan off for the weekend, putting you to such trouble and being so unconcerned when you talk to him about it.

I think for the future your dp needs to have the nursery's number entered into his phone so he damn well knows who is calling, and also that he willl take responsibility for picking up your ds in emergencies if you're working when presumably he knows you have to keep your phone switched off.

Personally I'd have small cheap wedding and lots of expensive driving lessons as the latter seems a higher priority to me.

Even if I had been able to drive, I still wouldn't have had the car as he would have had it for going on holiday.

Thanks folks. I'm really feeling abit sorry for myself. Should take some nurufen, wake ds up from his nap and go to the park in the sunshine. Not doing myself any good at the moment. I'm going to go to fucking waitrose and buy flowers and posh ready meals and ice cream! Yeah!

Give waitrose hell .

I think if he had missed calls from them and not bothered to find out who they were from then he is definitely being unreasonable - but agree with an earlier poster, get the number entered into his phone so he knows it's the nursery calling.

You also need, though, to talk to the nursery about this. They told you he was fine when clearly he wasn't - I would question how they decide what is and isn't fine! But if they had also called your DP multiple times, this also suggests that they actually didn't think he was that fine. So some poor communication going on here.

I appreciate, now you've said what you do, that you can't easily answer your phone - but you must be able to glance at it, to see who has been trying to call or text you?

Sorry that you're feeling poorly yourself - that will undoubtedly be making you feel more shitty about all of this. Enjoy the sunshine and buy yourself a massive bunch of flowers!

you work freelance but cant check your phone?

What if the nursery has an emergency sand they cant get hold of DP?

just seen what you do.....

Do think though that you should check your phone wherever possible just incase.

DP is still a knob tho.

Why should SHE check her phone whenever possible when her partner has confirmed with her that he will be on call with the nursery. Is she supposed to be fully responsible for their child at all times even when he's agreed to be? Or should he be checking his phone at all times too? In which case, why would the nursery need to get hold of her too?

Agreed, anastaisia! If her partner has agreed to be on call, he should bloody well be on call.

Southmum I work freelance and at times I am in meetings and am totally unavaiable. Do you imagine people who work for themselves can do as they please all the time!?

Agreed dp needs to take more responsibility if he's the one on call.

Also suggest getting pay as you go phone that only the nursery has number for so that if they are trying to contact you, you know it. Dp def should've had their number and checked who'd called him before setting off - v irresponsible - what if dc had been on way to hospital with head injury?? Dp knew you couldn't answer. I'd be angry too.

Yes perhaps a touch PFB but I would want to be with my child too if they were distressed, regardless of whether physically they were fine/fine for now/not much dentist can do anyway - if only 4th time there really only the parents could give proper comfort.

All that said - and I agree with the posters who said talk to your dh about where line is drawn etc - do be aware that men and women have v different parenting styles - I read somewhere that it's because men's role is to prepare kids to survive in outside world whereas women's is to keep the child alive...so this is unlikely to be the last time you and he fall out about whether something is a concern or not. Your dp genuinely would have taken "fine" to be fine and I think if we ask the other posters here alot of their dps probably would've too.

From your OP though I thought that your DP had taken the call from the nursery?
TBH if the nursery had said that they were just phoning to let him know, and werent expecting him to be picked up I wouldnt have gone to the nursery either.

Good suggestions about pay as you go phone that only nursery have, and yes shall certainly have a chat with dp about thus when he comes back on Monday.

Yeah dp's now blaming the nursery too, saying that if he needed to be seen by a dentist then they should of told him Togo and get him. I think that the nursery gave me the impression that they were telling me so I could go abd get him if I could, but putting the ball in my court rather than telling me to come. Because it wasn't an emergency, but just the right thing to do if possible.

I suppose the majority of parents wouldn't go unless it was an emergency, as this thread suggests, so they weren't expecting me to come necessarily. But i still think it was the right thing to do. When I got there me and the nursery manager checked ds's tooth together and he said to me "I'd get that seen today if you can". He said often there's stuff a dentist can do if it gets seen quick enough to save a tooth if it's damaged.

Anyway the wee boy couldn't even suck his thumb. That's like taking his teddy/dummy away when he's in pain and without his mum. :-(

When I'm working with this particular group of children I genuinely can't even glance away. I need to concentrate and be with them. Surely you can understand that in some jobs you are unable to use a phone?

He said he had 3 missed called on his phone when he was in a meeting, but from unknown number, so ignored them, got in the car and started driving. Half an hour into his drive they rang again so he pulled over, answered it and then called me.

I think the nursery should've said on the phone to your dp that he should see a dentist same day, as your dp would've known that would be nightmare journey for you but that you being you you would do it anyway, and that might have swung his descision.

"Fine" versus "needs emergency dental treatment" are very different. So your dp does have a point there.

only saying about the phone thing incase your DP is unavailble / loses phone / taking a dump etc. He should defo be the default contact being so close.

and no I dont think people who work for themselves can do as they please, quite the opposite. But it is a good idea for the nursery to be able to get hold of you as a back-up contact just incase.

You chose to send your son to nursery. They stated he wasw OK, dp accepted that you did not, therefore you both had different reactions. Nothing unreasonable about eithr of your reactions but yabu to think dp should have the same reaction as you.

However if you do not trust the nursery with your child you should not leave him there. If you do not trust anyone with your child except yourself then you have to be there with him, not working. You will end up with a difficult career path and a very spoilt child, but with every decision there are consequences.

DP is satisfield with the childcare arrangements, you are not. It is therefore up to you to decide what you do next. You may have to do work outside your chosen field if you feel you need to second guess your child care provider each time.

Thirdly, is your priority getting your son around safely and quickly, or getting married. Your choice but it is a choice.

Point taken south mum. Gonna do the pay as you go thing if I get any more work where using a phone is difficult.

I dare say dp will complain to the nursery. But diesn't change the fact that he was half an hour away when he spoke to
me and despite my asking him to wait he refused and drive on.

And take responsibilty, it doesn't matter whether I drive or not. Only one car, dp was using it. And I am happy with the nursery. They told me that ds was injured so I went to check on him. I think that's fine. They aren't dentists, they told me and let me as the parent assume responsibilty. That's fair enough.

And my career is fine thank you.

Why is this my fault for being over protective, having my phone off, not driving? Ds has a father, who was 5 mins away when the accident happened and 30 mins away when he found out.

And now even more annoyed at him.

His phone has gone straight to answer phone all day.

So not only has he left me alone to look after ds when I'm busy with work and ill, he's also not bothering to make sure he's contactable

All day?? That's ridiculous, given that you're ill as well. I hope you got some ice cream at least

Is this his first trip away in ages or something? he sounds very determined to not let anything interfere with it.

Hope you feel better. have a talk with DH when he's back, maybe it's just different expectations of how to handle illness/accidents?

you might consider paying less on wedding and prioritising learning to drive and getting a second small car for when DP (or you) goes off on jaunts -

or - just have one car but this car is left with the parent with care and the other takes a train or hires a car to go off for the weekend.

think longer term here. this is a scenario that will play out many many times with any child. the call from nursery /school. if your job takes you further away then you need access to car if you the parent left behind in charge.