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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is dp?

150 replies

Mapley · 08/04/2011 19:47

AiBU?

My ds (just 2) was at nursery today (for ony the 4th time). I was working all day, 20 miles the other side of the city from his nursery, 2 hours by public transport. I don't drive. I am nearing the end of the first significant piece of freelance work I've taken on since he's been born and it was an important and stressful day.

My dp had a half day at his worktoday, he was leaving at lunchtime to drive 150 miles for a holiday weekend away with his friends. He dropped ds off at his nursery before he started work this morning by car, as it's next door to his work. I'd said I'd go and get DS from the nursery after I'd finished work (even though it's take me 3 hours to get there and get home again) so he could leave early and have a long weekend.

I had my phone off in the morning as due to the nature of the work I do I can't answer calls. When I turned it on at lunchtime he phoned to say that he was 30 mins into his drive and ds's nursery had called to say that ds had fallen, and banged his front tooth. Apparently they told him that it bled alot, he cried for 15 mins and it was now wobbly. But, my dp said, that he was fine now and they were just letting us know so he was carrying on his journey.

I couldn't believe he hadn't just turned the car around and gone and got him! I immediately got off the phone, stopped work for the day and called the nursery myself, told them I'd be there as soon as I could to get him and took a taxi there. In the way in a taxi I rang dp and asked him to come back, or atleast not go any further till I got to ds and checked he was OK. But he refused, said that I was overeacting and that if the nursery said he was fine that he wasn't worried.

I think that it was my (or his) responsibility to go and check that ds was alright, and that I wasn't going to take someone elses word for it when my child's health and happiness were concerned.

The taxi cost me £40 to get there. When I got there I didn't like the look of ds's tooth and so phoned the dental hospital, who told me I had an hour to get there before they closed for the weekend. So carrying a bawling ds I ran for a bus, spent an hour on it with an unhappy baby, got to the hospital 10 mins late and begged them to see us. DS is ok, it's nothing terribly serious apparently and there's nothing they could do. The xray dept had shut for the weekend so I don't know if it a root fracture or just a bruiseto the gum, but tis still bleeding and we have a apt on monday for xray and instructions to go to A and E if it's still bleeding tommorow. Didn't get ds back home till after 6, by which time we're both starving and tired. He's in bed now and I'm shattered.

I think my dp was out of order. I think he should have turned the car around, gone and picked him up, brought him to me and together we should have judged whether he was ok or needed medical treatment. Then when we were satisfied and sorted, he could go on holiday, I can't believe he just left me to leave work and spend hours on public transport and in hospital. He says that it didn't sound that serious when the nursery rang him, that they said he was OK ,so he trusted their judgement. and that if he had have come back he would have been letting down his friends and might have got stuck in rush hour traffic.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 08/04/2011 21:10

What spidookly said- very neatly summed it up. Your do is not wrong to go by what the nursery said.

You are also, trying to say this nicely, going to have to take a smeggin chill pill.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 08/04/2011 21:16

Sorry (and I do mean it) but YABU.

I think you overreacted and you cant carry on like that everytime your child falls over.

Your OH shouldnt have made the letting his friends down comment because that makes him sound like a twit and was bound to wind you up.

You really didnt have to do all that rushing around and the nursery said your DC was fine. If you have that little trust in their judgement you are going to have a tough time leaving him there every day.

TragicallyHip · 08/04/2011 21:33

I think you have overreacted. The nursery said he was ok and you need to trust the nursery staff otherwise what is the point in sending him there?

SandStorm · 08/04/2011 21:42

I'm with the YABU people here. Your child won't be the first child to knock a tooth at nursery and he won't be the last - they'll have seen it before. The staff will be first aid trained and mouth/head injuries always bleed a lot. The nursery would have insisted one of you return for DC if they were worried.

captainbarnacle · 08/04/2011 21:47

You're being precious. DS was fine. The nursery were just doing a good job and letting you know things in advance. It was certainly not OHs fault.

heliumballoons · 08/04/2011 21:54

I hate to say YABa littleBU. But only a little bit as I would have probably worried like you.

My DS fell on his face at 2yo and cut the bit of skin between the gum and mouth in 2 Also knocked his front tooth that he eventually had out at 4yo. He's 6.8 now and has had a gap there so long I'll actually miss it when the adult tooth grows. Its hard not to worry when your PFB DC hurts themself.

Original poster

Mapley · 08/04/2011 22:21

Thanks everyone!

I always get told I'm too precious about him by mumsnet! I am thankful for the opinions because they always give me something to think about and learn and grow. But I am always amazed because i'm the most chilled out of all my friends and family who are mothers. i find it so strange that i'm considered uptight because I find it necessary to go and check on my son when he's hurt :-(

It was the nursery who told me to take him to the dental hospital when I picked him up. I don't not trust them overtly, I just needed to make sure for myself that he was OK. Same way I need to question and think and find out about most things. I don't automatically trust, it's a process.

I'm upset with dp because if he'd helped me it would have been two hours max out of his entire weekend away. He knew how much i would put me out. It wouldn't have been such an effort for him.

The nursery is near his work because he works fulltime at the same place all the time, I work freelance sporadically in different places.

I am uncomfortable with childcare. I don't work full time, I'm self employed and I love what i do and I'm constantly asked to take on work. i don;t want to lose my career by constantly refusing, but the nature of what I do makes it difficult to get consistant childcare. Tjis nursery place is temporary emergency care and I feel bad leaving him there. He seems to like it, but I feel selfish. But i've agreed to do the work now.

och i dunno. sad and tired and fed up now. need my bed and a big cry

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 08/04/2011 22:29

I can totally understand your reaction if you are uncomfortable about the childcare issue.

Can you afford to have your DS in a nursery for say, 2 days a week? He seems to enjoy it and it would perhaps ease you into childcare in a way that you can control. That way, you know you have 2 days per week that you can take on work in (that doesnt sound very grammatical but ykwim!) and also have some time to yourself when you are not working.

Emergency childcare is never good in terms of worrying ime, you always worry far more than with a regular settled arrangment. So perhaps setting something up that you are ok with when you dont really need it will get your head straight for times when you might need to up it to say 4 days a week if you have a big project on.

Hope you and he are ok now :)

Original poster

Mapley · 08/04/2011 22:45

Thanks bogeyface. He was still crying at bedtime. He's a thumbsucker and it hurts to suck his thumb poor love.

Yes, I'm actually on a waiting list at a couple of nurseries for that kind if arrangement. No places till the winter though.

You know, when I think about it, I think the nursery should have asked us to come and get him. He's quite a stoical baby, but they don't know him so don't know that, only his fourth time there. When I got there he was very quiet and burst into tears when he saw me. And he was bleeding and his tooth was wobbly. If I'd bashed my tooth so hard it bled and wobbled I'd want to see a doctor/ my mum.

OP posts:

BlueAmy · 08/04/2011 22:54

Okay, firstly, I am sorry you and DS have had a crappy day. :(

Secondly, yes you were a bit OTT and definitely PFB.

But.

Thirdly, YANBU if you are expecting more from DH. While I don't think he needed to go get DS, he certainly could've been sympathetic and considerate dealing with the whole situation.

Original poster

Mapley · 08/04/2011 22:59

But he was only half an hour away in a car and off work, i was 3 hours away by public transport and at work? Why shouldn't he have gone abd checked he was ok?

OP posts:

BecauseImWoeufIt · 08/04/2011 23:08

One thing that concerns me is that you were unavailable to the nursery when this happened - therefore the decision had to be made by the nursery in conjunction with your DP.

Obviously, I don't know what you do - but if you feel like this about having your son in nursery, then you do need to find a way to make yourself available should anything happen.

I don't think the decision that your DP made was wrong - but neither do I think you were being unreasonable to do what you did. It must have been very upsetting for your son. However, your DP made his decision after being advised by the nursery and it is his right to act on that as he sees fit.

Oh - and learn to drive!

Skinit · 08/04/2011 23:11

He was BU ....as a word of comfort my nephew did the same to his tooth...it stopped wobbling but went grey....and then went white again! It was odd...their bodies are amazing....sorry you had a scare and hope poor little DS s ok now.

blackeyedsusan · 08/04/2011 23:53

personally, i don't think you are being unreasonable. it was still bleeding and wobbly. these things need to be checked out. from what i have been told baby teeth are needed to guide in new teeth. i have a friend who lost babyteeth and is now having dental work at great cost to sort out problems caused by this.

I hope your ds is ok in the morning

iamamug · 09/04/2011 00:03

I agree that you need to learn to drive - urgently!
Hope your DS feels better tomorrow..

NarcolepsyQueen · 09/04/2011 09:39

The nursery staff are not dentists or medics. If this had happened at school the child would have been seen by a nurse - so YANBU, in my opinion.

However, YABU by not having your telephone on when your DS is in nursery.

Original poster

Mapley · 09/04/2011 12:08

My dp had his phone on and was in the building next door, literally 5 mins walk. I was working one to one with children with profound learning disabilities, it's not possible to take a call. But I only needed to have my phone off till lunchtime, when he was close by. Apparently he had 3 missed calls from them, but left anyway because he didn't recognise the number.

Ds is ok today, tooth wobbly and a bit squint, but bleeding has stopped and thumbsucking resumed!

Yes, learning to drive! Can't afford it just now, getting married this year. Always the same, there's always some reason to not be able to afford it.

Thanks to those who have suported me and made me feel less PFB. I've slept on it, and there's no way I could feel like I was a good mother if I didn't go check on my son when I'm told he's hurt himself. Regardless of whether he's at nursery, with grandparents, with dp. That's just my job as his mum to look after him. I'm surprised that lots of people feel that's overprotective and over reacting. I really am.

OP posts:

sungirltan · 09/04/2011 12:16

yanbu. i think in part you over reacted but hte point is, your dp had the car - he could have turned back, checked ds and then carried on later on - he would have been a bit late but so what? he has the whole wkd i presume - for THAT he is being VU

PinkToeNails · 09/04/2011 12:16

I can understand you being concerned, but the nursery had said he was fine so DP was just acting on what they'd said.

Original poster

Mapley · 09/04/2011 12:25

He's away till Sunday night.

The nursery told me he was fine too, but they also told me that he had a wobbly front tooth that was bleeding and that he'd been inconsolable for 15 mins afterwards, and they were letting us know so we could and get him if we wanted to. They didn't say that there's no need to come. They left the decision up to me. And I thought that he probably wasn't in immediate danger, but it sounded to me like he needed some medical attention and a cuddle from his parents. Remember, only his 4th time there.

OP posts:

mumeeee · 09/04/2011 12:27

YABU and overreacting a bit. The nursery said your DS was fine and just letting you know. I'm sure your DP would have gone and got him if the nusery had said it was serious,

Original poster

Mapley · 09/04/2011 13:52

I'm sorry, I'm trying to understand and but I don't.

To me them saying "he's fine" didn't matter, it was like the "I'm fine" response you get to a perfunctory "how are you? " question. What I actually heard was that he'd hurt himself, that he'd cried longer than I'd ever heard him cry for and that he should see a dentist. Yes I probably could haveleft him there till tea time and no further harm would have come to him. But I didn't know that without seeing him. My work isn't more importan to me than him. And neither is dp's holiday

OP posts:

Balsam · 09/04/2011 14:01

But OP that was your reaction to what you were told. Your DP was told the same thing and heard 'but he's fine now'. You both took different things from the same information. Your reaction was not unreasonable but neither was his.

southmum · 09/04/2011 14:25

yabu for not keeping your phone on. Keep it on silent but you must have it on incase of emergency

yanbu for being worried but its a baby tooth, nothing can be done and ds will be fine

Original poster

Mapley · 09/04/2011 14:51

As I said, dp was 5 minutes walk away and had his phone on!

But thanks to all for responses.

:-(

OP posts:

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