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or just an unreasonable wife??

170 replies

Bananamash · 08/04/2011 10:34

I had a blazing row with DH last night, still feel pretty crap about it, but fairly sure I didn't behave too unreasonably... unless you tell me otherwise!

As a bit of background, DH works in a v stressful job in the city, long hours, usually he leaves at 6.55am and is not home til close to 10pm at night. However, the past few weeks have been much worse than normal, not getting back til midnight and having to go in at weekends too. :(

I have come down with a nasty virus, nothing serious but enough to feel shitty all the same- high temp, swollen neck and glands, achey, tired etc

As usual last night, i fed the kids, bathed them, and put them to bed. The 18m old co sleeps. I got into bed at about 9pm as i felt terrible. I got a text from DH saying he's be home at about 1030pm.

I heard him come in but went back to sleep. I think he pottered about downstairs for a bit and then came up. He turned on the TV in our room to watch family guy. This made the baby stir. Then wake up a little. Rearrange himself and lie back down again. Stir some more. This went onfor a few min, before i huffily said, "Turn that off! You're goign to wake him up properly and he won't go back to sleep!". He didn't pay any notice, and of course within 5 min the baby was wide awake, and sat their watching tv with his dad. I was still lying down with my eyes shut, trying to sleep and feeling like death whilst seething silently.

Of course, when the program finished DH turned tv off and wanted to go to sleep. Baby, now WIDE AWAKE did not. Baby, kept crawling all over me, telling me to get up etc. By this point i was furious.

Last week DH woke him up when coming to bed after getting in late from work, at about midnight. It was an accident, it just happened that baby was stirring as he came in and got into bed, and it was enough tio wake him up fully. Once wide awake he couldn't/wouldn't go back to sleep, and i had to take him downstairs and was up with him until 4am when he eventually went to sleep. I took him down as obviously DH needs his sleep, and whilst it was a total PITA it was an accident on DH's part.

However, by my reasoning, last night was entirely DH's selfish fault. I was a bit pissed offf that he would turn the tv on when i was asleep, or trying to anyway, but when he could see it was waking ds up, and particuarly when i pointed it out to him, i would have expected him to turn it off. If he was that desperate to watch it, we have a tv downstairs.

So.... i got up, said I am ill, and not dealing with this, you woke him up, you deal with it. DS is very clingy to me, as of course it is always me who puts him to bed etc. I left to go to the spare room. Then DH comes storming in and starts shouting at me, saying do i think it is fair to leave him to look after wide awake ds as he has to be up for work at 615am. I said, or tried to say through his shouting, that I thought it was fair as he had selfishly turned tv on and refused to turn it off waking up ds, therefore he should get him back to sleep. He shouted that if i inisisted on sleeping in the spare room and leaving him to get ds back to sleep he wouldn't be sleeping at home tomorrow, and stormed out slamming the door.

I heard them talking, and dh trying to get him back to sleep for about 15min, but they didn't have to go downstairs etc.

I didn't see him this morning, just heard him slam the front door as he left....

I think we are both overtired- me from being ill and him from working so hard (which he does for the good of his family, i know). But i really don't think he was being fair execting me to have to properly wake up, and then get ds back to sleep, probably by rocking him, walking him up and down etc....

So, AIBU or not?

OP posts:

Gemsy83 · 08/04/2011 10:37

YANBU- ive had a similar row with DP yesterday (im ill- he played his face up big time about helping me, chucking things around the house etc). The fact is most men are self centred jerks when their partners/wives are ill and think we should just deal with it.


squeakytoy · 08/04/2011 10:38

I would say if the baby is old enough to be talking and crawling, then perhaps it is time to go in his own room, and you would probably all get a better nights sleep.


whitevanwoman · 08/04/2011 10:40

put the baby in its own bed

sleep in the spare room if there is one


newnamethistime · 08/04/2011 10:42

YANBU - I would be fed up and pissed off.


theagedparent · 08/04/2011 10:42

YANBU it was really mean of him to wake you both up.


GiddyPickle · 08/04/2011 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whitevanwoman · 08/04/2011 10:42

i dont get why people sleep with their kids

sometimes the cat sleeps on my bed and thats bad enough, i dont sleep properly


GypsyMoth · 08/04/2011 10:44

agree with squeaky!!!


squeakytoy · 08/04/2011 10:44

I dont get it either, WVM. I can understand a newborn being in a moses basket by the side of a bed, but a crawling talking child should be in its' own room so that it doesnt get disturbed with people moving about or getting in and out of bed.


nailak · 08/04/2011 10:45

tell your dh next time try the pub after work to relax and wind down


ChaoticAngelofDenial · 08/04/2011 10:45


He was being a selfish twat. He should have watched the tv downstairs if it was that important to him. He didn't just wake the lo up, he also kept you awake too when you need your sleep more than ever.


TobyLerone · 08/04/2011 10:45

YANBU, but I agree that the baby should probably go in his own room now. I don't think it's good for you or your relationship to have him sleeping with you any more, and he'd probably sleep better on his own, too.


AyeRobot · 08/04/2011 10:46

Regardless of the baby or even that you are ill, who the fuck does he think he is waking you up by turning on the tv when you are asleep? Adding in the baby and your illness just makes a already selfish act even worse.

I would put the tv in the spare room and tell him to sleep in there. Or sleep in the spare room myself with the baby.

Hope you feel better soon and that your husband gets a grip soon.


bubblecoral · 08/04/2011 10:47

Dh woke him up knowingly, your dh should get him back to sleep. If he didn't want to have to do that, he shouldn't have switched the telly on.

I can see where he's coming from with 'Do you think it's fair that I have to get him back to sleep when I have to get up at 6.15' but then equal to that would be 'Do you think it's fair that I have to get him back to sleep when someone else woke him up?'

But, it's not going to do you any good to dwell on this all day. Especially when your dh won't be thinking of it because he's busy at work.

It might best for you to put it down to you both being overtired.


Butterbur · 08/04/2011 10:47

YANBU. Presumably you have a TV in your living room. He should have watched it there if he wanted to unwind before going to sleep.


FreudianSlippery · 08/04/2011 10:47

Is there a particular reason you are cosleeping? Or is it just what you've ended up with IYSWIM - not that I disagree with it at all if it is your 'parenting style' - it's just that we ended up doing it with DS because of nighttime BFing and around 17m it was just too much.

You sound like you both seriously need a break. Babysitters?


BluddyMoFo · 08/04/2011 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WoodysHat · 08/04/2011 10:48

YANBU - regardless of whether your baby sleeps with you or not, your DH shouldn't have put the tv on in the bedroom as YOU were trying to sleep! How selfish of him, why couldn't he watch it downstairs?


Bohica · 08/04/2011 10:52

I don't think ywbu for leaving him to settle lo down, afterall he woke him up.
But I do think it unreasonable to expect you H to creep about trying to get some wind down time in his own home after working such a long day.

You are probably both exhausted, especially as you are feeling unwell.

I think you would both cope better if your lo slept in his own bed & then when your H comes home you can both snuggle up & watch a bit of tv in your bedroom.


walesblackbird · 08/04/2011 10:53

Regardless of whether the baby was in bed with me or not if I was in bed and asleep and my dh came in and switched the tv on I'd slap him!

I can understand that he wants to wind down after a long day in work but why can't he do that downstairs with the tv and a beer?

And, I agree, at 18 months I think the baby is old enough now to be sleeping in his own bed. All of mine have slept with me at various times but not every night.


FollowMe · 08/04/2011 10:53

I'd have been fuming at him putting the TV on in te bedroom when I was trying to sleep even without there being a baby in there too that was being woken by it! Added in the fact that you are feeling ill and he should be MORE considerate of your sleep, not less!
Why on earth would he watch TV in a room with 2 sleeping people in it when there is another TV in the lounge? bizarre behaviour on his part. Good for you for standing up for yourself. You would have been a doormat to have then got up half the night to settle a baby purely to accomodate the fact that he wanted to watch TV in the bedroom rather than the lounge!


puddingface · 08/04/2011 10:53

get baby into his own room
and tell husband to stop being a wanker when he comes in at night
hope you feel better soon


Flisspaps · 08/04/2011 10:54


LO could do with being in his own room by now though.


FollowMe · 08/04/2011 10:56

And IF the issue here is that your DH doesnt really want the baby in your room anymore, then a proper chat about it in a sensible manner would be far more mature and reasonable than him purposelt waking the baby and leaving you to settle him to make his point!!
(Even if the baby wasnt in the room any more, doesnt mean he can come in while you are sleeping and ill and wake you up with the TV though!!)


MyLifeIsChaotic · 08/04/2011 10:56

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