or just an unreasonable wife??

[Bananamash]

I had a blazing row with DH last night, still feel pretty crap about it, but fairly sure I didn't behave too unreasonably... unless you tell me otherwise!

As a bit of background, DH works in a v stressful job in the city, long hours, usually he leaves at 6.55am and is not home til close to 10pm at night. However, the past few weeks have been much worse than normal, not getting back til midnight and having to go in at weekends too. :(

I have come down with a nasty virus, nothing serious but enough to feel shitty all the same- high temp, swollen neck and glands, achey, tired etc

As usual last night, i fed the kids, bathed them, and put them to bed. The 18m old co sleeps. I got into bed at about 9pm as i felt terrible. I got a text from DH saying he's be home at about 1030pm.

I heard him come in but went back to sleep. I think he pottered about downstairs for a bit and then came up. He turned on the TV in our room to watch family guy. This made the baby stir. Then wake up a little. Rearrange himself and lie back down again. Stir some more. This went onfor a few min, before i huffily said, "Turn that off! You're goign to wake him up properly and he won't go back to sleep!". He didn't pay any notice, and of course within 5 min the baby was wide awake, and sat their watching tv with his dad. I was still lying down with my eyes shut, trying to sleep and feeling like death whilst seething silently.

Of course, when the program finished DH turned tv off and wanted to go to sleep. Baby, now WIDE AWAKE did not. Baby, kept crawling all over me, telling me to get up etc. By this point i was furious.

Last week DH woke him up when coming to bed after getting in late from work, at about midnight. It was an accident, it just happened that baby was stirring as he came in and got into bed, and it was enough tio wake him up fully. Once wide awake he couldn't/wouldn't go back to sleep, and i had to take him downstairs and was up with him until 4am when he eventually went to sleep. I took him down as obviously DH needs his sleep, and whilst it was a total PITA it was an accident on DH's part.

However, by my reasoning, last night was entirely DH's selfish fault. I was a bit pissed offf that he would turn the tv on when i was asleep, or trying to anyway, but when he could see it was waking ds up, and particuarly when i pointed it out to him, i would have expected him to turn it off. If he was that desperate to watch it, we have a tv downstairs.

So.... i got up, said I am ill, and not dealing with this, you woke him up, you deal with it. DS is very clingy to me, as of course it is always me who puts him to bed etc. I left to go to the spare room. Then DH comes storming in and starts shouting at me, saying do i think it is fair to leave him to look after wide awake ds as he has to be up for work at 615am. I said, or tried to say through his shouting, that I thought it was fair as he had selfishly turned tv on and refused to turn it off waking up ds, therefore he should get him back to sleep. He shouted that if i inisisted on sleeping in the spare room and leaving him to get ds back to sleep he wouldn't be sleeping at home tomorrow, and stormed out slamming the door.

I heard them talking, and dh trying to get him back to sleep for about 15min, but they didn't have to go downstairs etc.

I didn't see him this morning, just heard him slam the front door as he left....

I think we are both overtired- me from being ill and him from working so hard (which he does for the good of his family, i know). But i really don't think he was being fair execting me to have to properly wake up, and then get ds back to sleep, probably by rocking him, walking him up and down etc....

So, AIBU or not?

Banana, my DH also works long City hours, also travels a lot so leaves and comes back at all hours.

Our DD sleeps in her own room but even so, when DH returns late, he never clatters around the house as he doesn't want to wake me or DD. He watches TV to wind down but in the living room and with the door closed. When he comes to bed he never wakes me. If he's super late then he sleeps in the spare room.

I thought this was normal behaviour of a respectful spouse and parent .

I think you should get different bedrooms. Not like you have much of intimate time, at least you would not be constantly creating resentment. I may have missed it, but I guess your DH is not fully onboard with the current co-sleeping arrangement?

What everyone else has said.

YANBU, DH shouldn't be waking YOU up by turning the TV on.

But the baby should be in his own room. Your DH should be quiet if you're sleeping, but he shouldn't have to worry about waking up the baby as well when he comes in late.

On a practical note, could you set up a dressing area for your DH (maybe with a TV) somewhere else in the house? That would mean he's more able to get up/go to bed without waking you up.

I can't believe so many people are telling the op to put the baby in its own room.. What has that got to do with the price of cheese?! Op, your dh was selfish, full stop. Imo an 18 month old baby's needs come before those of its parents (within reason obviously) and waking the baby because he wanted to watch tv does not compute.. Also, your choice to co sleep or not. But imo and from some of the literature I have read you are meeting your little one's needs in the best way at this time by co-sleeping. If your dh has a problem with it you need to discuss and look at some facts together, the middle of the night must not be the time to make his point.

This whole scenario is weird, imo.
Your DH works ridiculous hours, none of you see him during the week, when he comes home he wakes you up cos he's watching tv. And you have a toddler in the middle of you. Then on a Friday he DOES finish work earlier, but CHOOSES to go out and play pool instead of coming home?!

I think there's a much bigger problem here than the DH putting on tv late at night...

minipie you've reminded me - DH leaves his suits etc in the spare bedroom wardrobe so he can dress in the other room if he has early morning starts. If he has to be up for a trip (he works on several international cases) super early then he always sleeps in spare room and gets ready there too. it helps me but it also means less stress for him because he doesn't have to pussyfoot around.

You and DH need to sit down and work out a practical strategy for him so he can leave early and work late without disturbing others (whilst still being able to relax himself).

YANBU as your dh should not have put the TV on in the room when you were quite clearly trying to sleep.

Have to say though I agree with the others who have suggested baby being in his own room. Our dd is still in a crib in our room but I'm looking forward to putting her in her nursery in a few weeks. I miss being able to read, talk, watch Question Time in bed etc. and hate having to creep round in the dark every night!!

OP, if I were you I would: move the tv to the spare room, today, whilst he is out. Maybe try and take a nap with DC for a couple of hours too to refresh yourself.

If he is going to be home late tonight, you go to the spare room with DC and leave him a note telling him this. That way you all get some sleep, because you can't have a rational discussion about this when you're zombified.

Maybe on Sunday when he's home go for a walk in the park and discuss this. Ask him about cosleeping: I don't think YABU, but if he does, it's his decision too, right? Look at a timescale for getting some help in, when you will be able to afford it. Listen to how he feels.

Hope you can sort something out. x

I don't think co-sleeping is the problem here. Co-sleeping is great for little children, and if it's the OP's family decision to do so, that's brilliant.

Even if the baby hadn't been in the bed, the OP was ill and trying to sleep. Her DH clearly couldn't have given a shit. He may have been tired and probably pissed off from a bad day at work. But that doesn't excuse him behaving like a selfish bastard.

You are both passing each other like ships in the night, OP. What you need to do is not have a big discussion about your life problems - that will only result in another blazing row/ circular argument/ lots of snapping and not very much listening. You need to go out for a meal (or, in absence of babysitters, have a grown-up meal at home) and have a date. Reconnect. Be silly together. Remind each other how great you both are. Then, at some later date, when you like each other again, you can start to think about tackling the big stuff.

Also...and this is a much bigger issue...you have a husband who is barely at home. Your relationship and your family life cannot function well that way. Does he earn shedloads? Do you have a big house/ lots of savings/ etc etc - basically, what I'm asking is not how much money do you have but if you both decided to put your family life before everything else, could you, realistically, survive just fine if he did a lower-paid job that sucked less of his lifeblood? I get the feeling that the nature of his job/ work culture may also be making him more unpleasant than it ought to. How long are you both willing to put up with him being in a job that is destroying your family life? This is a question of where his commitments lie, and sadly I strongly suspect that he will not even countenance challenging himself on this.

I have no simple answers, but loads and loads of sympathy.

YANBU and the people commenting on you co-sleeping are BU - your sleeping arrangements have sod all to do with your H being inconsiderate or other people.

I think vmcd28 has a point. Banana, what is your DH doing when he does have free time. You mention he plays pool on Friday nights, but what about the weekends that he doesn't work?

I've said it before and I'll say it again, my DH works long City hours - granted he's many years more post-qualified than your DH - but magic circle hours tend always to be long, even for partners. Yet DH comes home early on the rare nights he can and we spent time together, just him and me after DD is in bed. He'll frequently try to come home for 7pm so he can put her to bed . And weekends are always spent with us as a family doing things together (even if he has to slot in a conference call or do a bit of work).

DH's colleagues are much the same - partners, senior associates, junior associates - the lot.

Something seems a little strange about your DH's behaviour.

Ana, it is relevant - that's why they fell out, cos he woke ds.
But by the same token NONE of this is anyone's business, except actually it is cos we were asked for our opinions.

YES, dh was being a selfish prick, of course he was. But it also sounds like he was (badly) making some kind of point too, imo.

No, it really isn't relevant.

Regardless of where the baby was; it's bloody rude and inconsiderate to come in late and put the TV on in a room where someone is asleep. Even more so if that person is ill.

If her H has a problem with co-sleeping and wants to make a change then he should bring it up in conversation when they're both awake like an adult.

not only that but he then started shouting at her for expecting him to settle his child that he woke?

Co-sleeping really isn't the issue here.

BssBossh - I have 12 year personal experience in the City. Long/short working hours have as much to do with personality/attitude as with the industry or position.

Two bosses I had at the similar level and experience and, dare I say it, compensation scale, had two very different working hours. One was coming at around 9, leaving at 5, no weekend work, lots of hobbies, super efficient, friendly, happy, relaxed, confident. The other, in at the crack of dawn (around 7-7.30) out way after everyone else at 10-11pm, work every single weekend and was setting up meeting with us at the weekends and on bank holidays, constant travelling, knew exactly what was happening on each desk that was reporting to him, stressed out from lack of time, sleep deprivation, etc.

This difference has nothing to with efficiency, rather than personality and style.

Ana, I agree! If my dh did ANY of this I'd be furious! But the cosleeping is part of the bigger issue that's happening here, but it's obv not THE problem

bemybebe, totally agree as DH's hours are generally 9 to 8 unless he's working on a case close to trial or particularly sticky (as his recent ones are then the hours ramp up). I am wondering whether the OP's DH is working longer hours because he has something to prove/personality...

I think co-sleeping is definitely a problem here. I would set up two separate bedrooms until the LO is big enough to have a room of his own, so that everyone can have their space to upwind.

Bssh - very likely.

upwind?? unwind!!

Friday night he does play pool and comes home v late, usually between 12 and 1. But then the rest of the weekend, aside from first thing sat morning, when he has a lie in, is spent together as a family, so it doesn't bother me too much.

The weekends that he doesn't work, which aside from that last two or three, are most weekends, we just do normal family stuff together, chill out at home in the garden, go to the park, shops, museum, farm etc. Just usual stuff and then we tend to have a take away on sat night together. On Sunday morning he takes the children out for an hour or two so that i can have a lie in.

I have just sent him a long email explaining that i still think he was in the wrong last night, but that i don't want this to become a long drawn out row. That i understand he is working incredibly hard for all of us and must be exhausted, but that doesn't mean he can take it out on us and behave so badly. I suggested he see if he can take a few days holiday asap to recharge his batteries. I also asked him if he was no longer happy with the co-sleeping, but reminded him why we were CS and that if he wanted it to change i would need help to do so.

Well, TV can be a form of upwinding .

he was being unreasonable to watch tv when you and ds were asleep, waking you both up. Even if your ds was sleeping in another room he would still have woken you up and would still have been unreasonable. he was being immature, mature people take responsibility for their actions and the consequences.

you are right
i do have the damn box in my bedroom with a broken channel changing remote control so it is permanently on sky... that is a definite upwinder!

Well done OP
I totally agree with RevoltingPeasant
Hope you get it sorted

I have a very similar situation and we are talking to each other in a nice, open loving way about these things - it's the only way to keep peace and harmony.