Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

or just an unreasonable wife??

170 replies

Bananamash · 08/04/2011 10:34

I had a blazing row with DH last night, still feel pretty crap about it, but fairly sure I didn't behave too unreasonably... unless you tell me otherwise!

As a bit of background, DH works in a v stressful job in the city, long hours, usually he leaves at 6.55am and is not home til close to 10pm at night. However, the past few weeks have been much worse than normal, not getting back til midnight and having to go in at weekends too. :(

I have come down with a nasty virus, nothing serious but enough to feel shitty all the same- high temp, swollen neck and glands, achey, tired etc

As usual last night, i fed the kids, bathed them, and put them to bed. The 18m old co sleeps. I got into bed at about 9pm as i felt terrible. I got a text from DH saying he's be home at about 1030pm.

I heard him come in but went back to sleep. I think he pottered about downstairs for a bit and then came up. He turned on the TV in our room to watch family guy. This made the baby stir. Then wake up a little. Rearrange himself and lie back down again. Stir some more. This went onfor a few min, before i huffily said, "Turn that off! You're goign to wake him up properly and he won't go back to sleep!". He didn't pay any notice, and of course within 5 min the baby was wide awake, and sat their watching tv with his dad. I was still lying down with my eyes shut, trying to sleep and feeling like death whilst seething silently.

Of course, when the program finished DH turned tv off and wanted to go to sleep. Baby, now WIDE AWAKE did not. Baby, kept crawling all over me, telling me to get up etc. By this point i was furious.

Last week DH woke him up when coming to bed after getting in late from work, at about midnight. It was an accident, it just happened that baby was stirring as he came in and got into bed, and it was enough tio wake him up fully. Once wide awake he couldn't/wouldn't go back to sleep, and i had to take him downstairs and was up with him until 4am when he eventually went to sleep. I took him down as obviously DH needs his sleep, and whilst it was a total PITA it was an accident on DH's part.

However, by my reasoning, last night was entirely DH's selfish fault. I was a bit pissed offf that he would turn the tv on when i was asleep, or trying to anyway, but when he could see it was waking ds up, and particuarly when i pointed it out to him, i would have expected him to turn it off. If he was that desperate to watch it, we have a tv downstairs.

So.... i got up, said I am ill, and not dealing with this, you woke him up, you deal with it. DS is very clingy to me, as of course it is always me who puts him to bed etc. I left to go to the spare room. Then DH comes storming in and starts shouting at me, saying do i think it is fair to leave him to look after wide awake ds as he has to be up for work at 615am. I said, or tried to say through his shouting, that I thought it was fair as he had selfishly turned tv on and refused to turn it off waking up ds, therefore he should get him back to sleep. He shouted that if i inisisted on sleeping in the spare room and leaving him to get ds back to sleep he wouldn't be sleeping at home tomorrow, and stormed out slamming the door.

I heard them talking, and dh trying to get him back to sleep for about 15min, but they didn't have to go downstairs etc.

I didn't see him this morning, just heard him slam the front door as he left....

I think we are both overtired- me from being ill and him from working so hard (which he does for the good of his family, i know). But i really don't think he was being fair execting me to have to properly wake up, and then get ds back to sleep, probably by rocking him, walking him up and down etc....

So, AIBU or not?

OP posts:

RJRabbit · 08/04/2011 10:57

It sounds to me as if he was spoiling for a fight.

ScroobiousPip · 08/04/2011 10:57

I think your family sleeping choices are irrelevant here - far too many judges on the panel.

It's unreasonable for your DH to come into the bedroom late at night and wake you up. If you've chosen to co-sleep then it's also unreasonable for him to wake your DS so, yes, if he wakes him, he puts him back to sleep.

I agree with the suggestion that you move the TV from your bedroom to remove the temptation - let DH wind down in the spare room and join you when he's ready to sleep.

Original poster

Bananamash · 08/04/2011 11:00

Thanks for the replies.

Yes, there is a tv downstairs, so he could have easily watched it there if he'd wanted to.

Re the co-sleeping. It wasn't something i'd intended to do when he was newborn, but it was the only way we ever got any sleep. He would wake instantly if put down in cot/moses basket. He is a bf baby, but has now nightweaned. If he is in our bed, he sleeps through, but if he is alone he wakes up several tiems a night. I think this is because when in our bed he stirs, sees us there and goes back off, but wakes up properly if he is alone. I am not prepared to let him cry it out, nor realistically can i hack getting up four or five times a night to resettle him- i have tried it but was a gibbering wreck after a week of it! It is something he will grow out of, and for most of the time it works well for us.

Sadly we are short of babysitters. :(

OP posts:

nomoreheels · 08/04/2011 11:00

If that had happened to me, he would have got an absolute earful. You do not wake someone up to watch telly! Of course he needs to wind down, but that should be by using the telly in the lounge. You especially do not turn on the telly in bed when you have a sleeping baby there. What a numpty.

It sounds like you need a serious discussion about sleeping arrangements though - one that works for all of you.

ScroobiousPip · 08/04/2011 11:00

Btw, my DS still co-sleeps with either me or my ex-DH - neither of us would change that for the world, for as long as DS wants it.

To those posters so happily telling the OP that her DS should be in his own room, are you also posters who would tell OP that 18mo is too old to breastfeed, or that the OPs DS should be potty trained by now? The Op has made a decision to co-sleep and that decision deserves our respect.

Tangle · 08/04/2011 11:03

I also think how you choose to sleep is irrelevant and upto you and your family - your DH was rude and inconsiderate to come upstairs and start watching telly when you were asleep, especially as you've been ill.

That said, it also sounds as though both of you are absolutely exhausted and in that state where an innocent comment in the wrong tone of voice will cause an OTT row. Is there any end in sight for your DH working so hard? Has he got any leave booked? Do you have any support with the kids while you're ill? Try and be gentle on yourself and get better as quick as you can.

Laquitar · 08/04/2011 11:04

Yes you are both overtired.

Do you look after your dcs during day? Your dh seems to have a crazy schedule so he can not help but can you get a mothers help for couple of hours?

And no tv in the bedroom.

Xenia · 08/04/2011 11:05

Very very few men would do that - put on the TV and wake up a sleeping wife. I could have texted him in the day or when you got to bed to say you are very ill and going to sleep so he knew the situation.

Secondly is it because he earns mroe than you do? Perhaps the error is being n marriages where the woman earns less. Out earn him. it's more fun and alters the power balance and means you aren't treated like this by men.

whitevanwoman · 08/04/2011 11:05

The Op has made a decision to co-sleep and that decision deserves our respect.

sure but stop moaning then that the baby keeps waking up

deaconblue · 08/04/2011 11:06

I think baby needs his own bed.

Tangle · 08/04/2011 11:07

Where is she moaning that the baby keeps waking up? The baby got woken up because her DH was inconsiderate and decided his need to watch telly in bed was more important than the needs to the two people trying to sleep...

ObscureReference · 08/04/2011 11:07

This is not meant to be a discussion about the merits or not of cosleeping.

OP, FWIW I dont think YWBU. He woke him knowingly, so he should have settled him.

Changing2011 · 08/04/2011 11:11

Co-sleeping when your DP is working such long hours is crazy. Have some respect for HIM and allow your bed to be a haven for your hardworking husband as well as yourself!

paddypoopants · 08/04/2011 11:12

My dh now sleeps in the spare room downstairs when he is going to be home late or leave early in the morning as I was getting pissed off when he woke me up at night or ds early in the morning.
Can your dh put the tv in there if he wants to watch it in bed. YANBU to expect him to be more considerate when you are all sleeping and especially when you are ill. He should also be trying to get home earlier when you are sick as if you get overtired you will feel worse . With the hours he works do you or your ds ever see him?

LtEveDallas · 08/04/2011 11:16

OP, we co-slept with DD for exactly the same reasons - without us she settled badly and woke a lot, with us she slept longer and deeper. For us it all changed when we moved to a hot country and she could see that she was better off in her own bed, but even now (at 6) she sometimes joins us. It's not a problem, and I dont see why anyone needs to comment

As for your DH I think he was being VERY unreasonable. He absolutely should not have come into the bedroom and turned on the TV, thus waking you (and DC).

In my family if one person is up later than the other and wants to read or watch TV in bed afterwards then that person goes to the spare room. DH also takes himself to the spare room if he has been drinking because he snores BADLY then. Its called consideration for others, something your DH has NONE of.

(and I agree, he woke the baby, so guess what, he gets to settle the baby)

Nuttychic · 08/04/2011 11:17

YANBU - he would have been just as angry had you come upstairs while he was sleeping and woken him up by putting the TV on! What would he do if you were in a full time job outside the home? He would have to learn to share the responsibility even if he was overtired. Staying at home is no picnic! He needs to get his head out his ass!

nomoreheels · 08/04/2011 11:18

Changing, you are completely full of it! So the OP and baby should be woken up, and the OP should have to deal with a woken baby the rest of the night because he wants to watch TV in bed?

Changing2011 · 08/04/2011 11:19

No I dont agree with the TV thing at all. I was just saying, it sounds like OP and DH are both really tired, he is working a very long day, they need to reclaim their bedroom or sleep seperately!

LtEveDallas · 08/04/2011 11:19

Changing - how about her husband having some respect for the OP. Take the baby out of the equation - H came home and turned on the TV in the bedroom waking his poorly wife......where is his respect?

Changing2011 · 08/04/2011 11:20

My original post wasnt about the TV thing Eve. Sorry for going slightly OT.

LtEveDallas · 08/04/2011 11:20

they dont need to 'reclaim their bedroom' - they need the husband not to wake up sleeping family members

FlamingoBingo · 08/04/2011 11:22

OP. YANBU. YANBU to cosleep - you are doing something that is biologically normal for human babies. Do what works for you. Of course you are allowed to complain about things when they get tough. Co-sleepers don't say to people who complain about their toddler's sleep problems 'well you shoulnd't have them in their own room anyway - serves you right!'. FFS!

And, YANBU about your husband. It is not unreasonable that he be quiet when he comes in late from work. Yes it's shit for him that he works such long hours, but does he have to wake everyone else up to share in the shitness, when you're already feeling ill and tired too? There is nothing to stop him watching tv downstairs if he needs to do that before he goes to sleep.

Ignore the people that like to blame every difficult thing in parenting on your choices if they're different from eveyrone else's. It drives me mad!

ExitPursuedByALamb · 08/04/2011 11:25

YADNBU - So he works long hours, but that does not give him the right to behave like a twunt. I would be furious if my DH put the tv on when I was asleep (except we don't have a tv in the bedroom anyway). It is inconsiderate and downright rude, whether you are ill or not.

FWIW - I co slept with DD and DH slept in the spare room for years. In fact DD is 11 now and she still regularly sleeps with me and DH sleeps in her bed.

jeckadeck · 08/04/2011 11:27

I would have been pissed off in your situation as its very insensitive to put TV on when the baby's asleep and doubly so to ignore your request to turn it off. But it has to be said it doesn't sound like a very sustainable arrangement. I can see why DH might resent the fact that he can't chill out as he likes in his own bedroom. You do need to sort the sleeping arrangements out.

nomoreheels · 08/04/2011 11:28

Just another thought... your DPs work situation does not sound healthy or sustainable. Is he happy in this job? Does you need the salary?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread