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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or just an unreasonable wife??

170 replies

Bananamash · 08/04/2011 10:34

I had a blazing row with DH last night, still feel pretty crap about it, but fairly sure I didn't behave too unreasonably... unless you tell me otherwise!

As a bit of background, DH works in a v stressful job in the city, long hours, usually he leaves at 6.55am and is not home til close to 10pm at night. However, the past few weeks have been much worse than normal, not getting back til midnight and having to go in at weekends too. :(

I have come down with a nasty virus, nothing serious but enough to feel shitty all the same- high temp, swollen neck and glands, achey, tired etc

As usual last night, i fed the kids, bathed them, and put them to bed. The 18m old co sleeps. I got into bed at about 9pm as i felt terrible. I got a text from DH saying he's be home at about 1030pm.

I heard him come in but went back to sleep. I think he pottered about downstairs for a bit and then came up. He turned on the TV in our room to watch family guy. This made the baby stir. Then wake up a little. Rearrange himself and lie back down again. Stir some more. This went onfor a few min, before i huffily said, "Turn that off! You're goign to wake him up properly and he won't go back to sleep!". He didn't pay any notice, and of course within 5 min the baby was wide awake, and sat their watching tv with his dad. I was still lying down with my eyes shut, trying to sleep and feeling like death whilst seething silently.

Of course, when the program finished DH turned tv off and wanted to go to sleep. Baby, now WIDE AWAKE did not. Baby, kept crawling all over me, telling me to get up etc. By this point i was furious.

Last week DH woke him up when coming to bed after getting in late from work, at about midnight. It was an accident, it just happened that baby was stirring as he came in and got into bed, and it was enough tio wake him up fully. Once wide awake he couldn't/wouldn't go back to sleep, and i had to take him downstairs and was up with him until 4am when he eventually went to sleep. I took him down as obviously DH needs his sleep, and whilst it was a total PITA it was an accident on DH's part.

However, by my reasoning, last night was entirely DH's selfish fault. I was a bit pissed offf that he would turn the tv on when i was asleep, or trying to anyway, but when he could see it was waking ds up, and particuarly when i pointed it out to him, i would have expected him to turn it off. If he was that desperate to watch it, we have a tv downstairs.

So.... i got up, said I am ill, and not dealing with this, you woke him up, you deal with it. DS is very clingy to me, as of course it is always me who puts him to bed etc. I left to go to the spare room. Then DH comes storming in and starts shouting at me, saying do i think it is fair to leave him to look after wide awake ds as he has to be up for work at 615am. I said, or tried to say through his shouting, that I thought it was fair as he had selfishly turned tv on and refused to turn it off waking up ds, therefore he should get him back to sleep. He shouted that if i inisisted on sleeping in the spare room and leaving him to get ds back to sleep he wouldn't be sleeping at home tomorrow, and stormed out slamming the door.

I heard them talking, and dh trying to get him back to sleep for about 15min, but they didn't have to go downstairs etc.

I didn't see him this morning, just heard him slam the front door as he left....

I think we are both overtired- me from being ill and him from working so hard (which he does for the good of his family, i know). But i really don't think he was being fair execting me to have to properly wake up, and then get ds back to sleep, probably by rocking him, walking him up and down etc....

So, AIBU or not?

OP posts:
ScroobiousPip · 08/04/2011 12:20

I agree Hippo - it's not that easy and can lead to even more sleep deprivation.

Replace co-sleeping with breastfeeding (he's 18mo, it's time you bottlefed blah blah) and MN would be up in arms. I just can't get my head around why it is seen as OK to attack this particular parenting choice? Particularly when around the world it is the mainstream and natural choice.

atswimtwolengths · 08/04/2011 12:21

Obviously he was completely unreasonable in every way.

However, if your child sleeps in your room, does this mean you can never watch tv in bed? Can it only be watched during the hours your child's awake?

What about when you two are intimate? Do you do that with your child in the room?

I think it is time for your child to start to sleep in his own room. Yes, he may come in later on, but I think you should try again. He will have to do it some time and I do think your bedroom should be for the adults.

FlamingJamie · 08/04/2011 12:24

I can see why the co-sleeping is completely rational in the circs., but trying to argue that it continues as it is the best thing for the baby is rather disingenous - this mum is forced into it because she gets very little help and is exhausted.

Newgolddream · 08/04/2011 12:24

Cant speak for anyone else, only myself but Im certainly not "attacking" this parenting choice - I may have missed a post or 2 but I dont think Ive seen anyone else attacking it either - just pointing out the practical issues with the parents involved. There are 2 parents - Im interested in what the OPs DH thinks of this, and if hes all for co sleeping then he will just have to "put up and shut up" so to speak but he may now be seeing the practical problems of it when working the hours he does, I dont know.

NinkyNonker · 08/04/2011 12:25

YANBU. The co-sleeping is a red herring IMO.

Laquitar · 08/04/2011 12:26

But it is very much depends on what OP does during the day aswell. If they are both constantly overtired it is easier to snap at each other. She hasn't say if the dcs go to nursery or not. If they don't i think hiring a mothers help for 2 hours 2-3 times a week wont break the bank but will spare lots of problems and will have a back up when op is ill. Dh's working hours are crazy.

MerylStrop · 08/04/2011 12:27

I am finding it very strange that some posters would prioritise "watching TV in bed" over co-sleeping if that is what is meeting the childs needs/making nighttime less hellish for the OP.

FlamingJamie · 08/04/2011 12:28

Laquitar - I agree - OP - a mother's help, or a childminder for the youngest may be the answer to giving you the rest you need

atswimtwolengths · 08/04/2011 12:29

Meryl, I was just wondering why the tv is in the bedroom at all, given that presumably it can't be switched on if the baby's asleep.

ScroobiousPip · 08/04/2011 12:31

Oh yes, that's true Bananamash. There's a presenteeism culture too and it's very easy to be conned into thinking that being there til all hours is the only way to keep in favour with the partners.

But (and I don't criticise your DH because I don't know him or his work), it really is possible to impress in other ways yet be firm on the hours you work. Of course there will always be some nights where you have an urgent deadline but even in the City it isn't necessary to do long hours day in day out, not if you are smart about it. It's far too easy for juniors just to take on everything they are offered because they don't really understand where the power lies.

It might sound a bit dog-eat-dog but your DH needs to start thinking strategically about how best to raise his profile internally and with clients and be ruthless about avoiding drudge work that won't deliver on his strategy. He needs to work out which partners hold the power in the partnership (and therefore need to be impressed) and focus on their work. A few really outstanding bits of work or marketing will go way further than hours spent on run of the mill work. And should give him the leverage to be firm about leaving on time one or two nights per week in order to be home for bath and bedtime.

sungirltan · 08/04/2011 12:32

hibu. he could have watched telly downstairs for a while if he wantec to chill out after work.

i too am v protective of my sleep and often yell at my dh if he does something on purpose which wakes me up

WestYorkshirePudding · 08/04/2011 12:34

Completely agree with Changing, the OP is BU. Her husband has a ridiculously stressful job and should be allowed to wind down wherever he likes although how long the situation can continue without him having a burn-out is worrying.

If the baby wakes when the husband comes to bed then the baby should be in their own room. Yes, this might not be the preferred choice of the OP but life doesn't always go the way you want it to. A few nights of upset and I'm sure the baby will be fine.

ccpccp · 08/04/2011 12:35

YABU.

Hes living his work at the moment - has no escape from it. He came home to a dark house and wife already in bed. Hes probably felt very unappreciated, so came upstairs to be close to his family rather than sit alone.

Time for the baby to have its own room and for you to be a bit more understanding over what your DH is going through.

ivykaty44 · 08/04/2011 12:37

To come into a room, in fact a bedroom at night where two people are sleeping

common sense

you don't come into the room and turn the tv on - as you will upset the tow people sleeping and probably wake them up

once you have then woken them both up you can't expect anything but a roasting for your inconsiderate behaviour

regardless of whether people are tierd, grumpy, or ill

put the above things into the mix and you have an inconsiderate twat behaviour person for the night

when they say they will not be coming home the next night

whoppy sleeps in peace thank you

NadiaWadia · 08/04/2011 12:40

YANBU . Who puts the TV on upstairs when other people in the house have gone to sleep for the night? I woudln't even do that if the other people were sleeping in a different bedroom, sounds carries through walls.

You just don't do that.

ScroobiousPip · 08/04/2011 12:44

WYP and ccpccp - wow, did I timewarp back to the 1950s?

I do the same stressful job as the OP's DH. Never would I enter a bedroom and switch the TV on if someone else was sleeping (well, actually I don't have a TV in the bedroom - it's a stimulant, not a relaxant). Why does the OP's DH get carte blanche around the house when he comes home from work? Because he is the wage-earning man??? Nonsense.

WestYorkshirePudding · 08/04/2011 12:45

No, not twattish behaviour just the behaviour of a man who comes in late (as usual) finds nobody up (as usual) so sticks the tv on for half an hour before nodding off. FFS, I'd do that and my OH would just roll over, stick his head under the covers and go back to sleep.

It really is no big deal. To some of us anyway...

MerylStrop · 08/04/2011 12:46

Having a ridiculously stressful job does not preclude showing a little consideration for one's family

The OP is also - by dint of her DH's abscence - putting in an 18 hour day with little in the way of respite. Her health and wellbeing need to be a priority for the family. Her DH can't do his job if she's too ill to do hers.

I reckon a little talking (and maybe DH in the spare room during the week) might see them through this.

OP - if the financial rewards are going to come in time - I would consider prioritising getting a mothers help for a couple of hours per week. It might save your sanity

(apols atswim!)

zikes · 08/04/2011 12:47

Nah, DH was a dick to put the telly on while you were sleeping, baby or no baby. If he wanted to watch tv he should have stayed downstairs.

MerylStrop · 08/04/2011 12:48

gosh have some people been reading that surrendered wife bolleaux?

MissJanuary · 08/04/2011 12:57

rod and back

if the baby co-sleeps at 18months then you run the risk every single night of someone waking him/her up - time for the little one to be in their own room

sounds like boht of you are over-tired, over-stressed. Be the bigger person, text him, suggest a take-away and wine tonight, during which time you will discuss moving the little one into their own room.

Good Luck

Laquitar · 08/04/2011 12:57

I am surprised at how many people seem to have tv in bedroom. And suggesting dh sleeps in the spare room so he can watch tv. Is he going to die with no tv? I wouldn't mind be woken up for (sex) a cuddle but not for the stupid tv.

MissJanuary · 08/04/2011 12:58

PS he was a twat for coming in and switching the TV on at such a time of night though

ScroobiousPip · 08/04/2011 13:00

rod and back! Grin Best joke this evening! Thank you MissJanuary.

diddl · 08/04/2011 13:08

I think it was really rude of him to put the TV on when you were settled down-asleep or not.

Perhaps your toddler is a light sleeper though-with regard to the TV waking him up.