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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or just an unreasonable wife??

170 replies

Bananamash · 08/04/2011 10:34

I had a blazing row with DH last night, still feel pretty crap about it, but fairly sure I didn't behave too unreasonably... unless you tell me otherwise!

As a bit of background, DH works in a v stressful job in the city, long hours, usually he leaves at 6.55am and is not home til close to 10pm at night. However, the past few weeks have been much worse than normal, not getting back til midnight and having to go in at weekends too. :(

I have come down with a nasty virus, nothing serious but enough to feel shitty all the same- high temp, swollen neck and glands, achey, tired etc

As usual last night, i fed the kids, bathed them, and put them to bed. The 18m old co sleeps. I got into bed at about 9pm as i felt terrible. I got a text from DH saying he's be home at about 1030pm.

I heard him come in but went back to sleep. I think he pottered about downstairs for a bit and then came up. He turned on the TV in our room to watch family guy. This made the baby stir. Then wake up a little. Rearrange himself and lie back down again. Stir some more. This went onfor a few min, before i huffily said, "Turn that off! You're goign to wake him up properly and he won't go back to sleep!". He didn't pay any notice, and of course within 5 min the baby was wide awake, and sat their watching tv with his dad. I was still lying down with my eyes shut, trying to sleep and feeling like death whilst seething silently.

Of course, when the program finished DH turned tv off and wanted to go to sleep. Baby, now WIDE AWAKE did not. Baby, kept crawling all over me, telling me to get up etc. By this point i was furious.

Last week DH woke him up when coming to bed after getting in late from work, at about midnight. It was an accident, it just happened that baby was stirring as he came in and got into bed, and it was enough tio wake him up fully. Once wide awake he couldn't/wouldn't go back to sleep, and i had to take him downstairs and was up with him until 4am when he eventually went to sleep. I took him down as obviously DH needs his sleep, and whilst it was a total PITA it was an accident on DH's part.

However, by my reasoning, last night was entirely DH's selfish fault. I was a bit pissed offf that he would turn the tv on when i was asleep, or trying to anyway, but when he could see it was waking ds up, and particuarly when i pointed it out to him, i would have expected him to turn it off. If he was that desperate to watch it, we have a tv downstairs.

So.... i got up, said I am ill, and not dealing with this, you woke him up, you deal with it. DS is very clingy to me, as of course it is always me who puts him to bed etc. I left to go to the spare room. Then DH comes storming in and starts shouting at me, saying do i think it is fair to leave him to look after wide awake ds as he has to be up for work at 615am. I said, or tried to say through his shouting, that I thought it was fair as he had selfishly turned tv on and refused to turn it off waking up ds, therefore he should get him back to sleep. He shouted that if i inisisted on sleeping in the spare room and leaving him to get ds back to sleep he wouldn't be sleeping at home tomorrow, and stormed out slamming the door.

I heard them talking, and dh trying to get him back to sleep for about 15min, but they didn't have to go downstairs etc.

I didn't see him this morning, just heard him slam the front door as he left....

I think we are both overtired- me from being ill and him from working so hard (which he does for the good of his family, i know). But i really don't think he was being fair execting me to have to properly wake up, and then get ds back to sleep, probably by rocking him, walking him up and down etc....

So, AIBU or not?

OP posts:
bemybebe · 08/04/2011 14:21

Bananamash you are doing the right thing talking it out so that you all can find an acceptable solution.

BsshBossh · 08/04/2011 14:22

Banana, so glad to see he spents good family time with you at the weekend. And your email to him sounds very reasonable. Good luck with the discussions. definitely work on a practical strategy for how he handles coming in late when you are already asleep (eg sleep in spare room, dress in spare room if he has an early start, TV only in living room etc). Good luck Smile.

fedupofnamechanging · 08/04/2011 14:23

I think that your DH should be coming home from work and helping you with the baby and spending his leisure time with you, not playing pool on friday nights. That would be okay if he worked 9 - 5.30, but not with the hours he is doing. You are effectively a single parent (albeit without the need to work on top of looking after the baby). I wouldn't be happy if my DH chose to not come straight home, when he'd been working all day and weekends too!

Also if working these hours is making your DH behave selfishly and arrogantly towards you, perhaps he ought to reconsider his career.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/04/2011 14:24

Co sleeping is relevant if her DH doesn't agree with it / resents it. Co sleeping only really works if both partners are comfortable with the idea.

He shouldn't have turned the TV on but he might not have expected it to wake you. My DH will quite happily fall asleep in bed with the telly on whereas I can't. We don't have a TV in the bedroom at all.

You both sound close to burn out. Your DH is probably letting off steam about working such long hours as he can't shout at his boss. You are unwell and probably feel unsupported. It is horrible working those sorts of hours you find yourself functioning on willpower and caffeine.

Find a short term fix like moving the telly into the spare room, try and have a nap today and over the weekend try and have some time with your DH. See if you can get an idea of how long these hours are going to continue, if its a big transaction then it probably has a firm(ish) deadline for completion. Realistically, you are not going to come up with a long term answer until the current work crisis is over and you are feeling better as I think you are both too exhausted to see beyond the next couple of days.

foxter · 08/04/2011 14:25

YANBU and I can't believe that someone would come into a bedroom where two people are already sleeping and turn the tv on, and then, when asked to turn it off, refuse!

What was wrong with using the lounge tv and sleeping in the spare room?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/04/2011 14:26

X post - well done for sending the email

kerala · 08/04/2011 14:33

Perfectly illustrates why DH and I stopped being city lawyers and moved south west. Reading about your DH's lifestyle brings back unhappy memories for me. Yes the salaries are high but believe me its not fucking worth it.

FlamingJamie · 08/04/2011 15:05

Me too kerala. Unsupported wife, knackered husband, no intimacy. Bad combo

Bumpsadaisie · 08/04/2011 15:18

Me too Kerala and Flaming Jamie.

However the OPs DH only needs to stay on another two or three years to get his CV looking good and then he will have many more family friendly options open to him, if he wants.

FlamingJamie · 08/04/2011 16:00

Yes - you are right. But I'd suggest lots of talking, compromises, help and sleeping together in the meantime.

jeckadeck · 08/04/2011 17:04

sorry, OPs husband was a bit of a plonker in this situation turning the TV on but I don't get why taking his needs into consideration makes one a "surrendered wife." Leaving aside the rights and wrongs of what he did, if you work on the basis that one partner's needs must be entirely subordinated all the time you're basically asking for trouble.

Xenia · 08/04/2011 17:06

I would never have a television in my bed room ever. I don't know why people do.

Deliainthemaking · 08/04/2011 17:10

YANBU

I would have got up and turned the TV after asking a while

Laquitar · 08/04/2011 17:11

Me neither Xenia. Even when i was single i didn't have tv in the bedroom.

Ephiny · 08/04/2011 17:17

I couldn't bear having a television in the bedroom either, and certainly not someone watching it when I'm trying to sleep, that's outrageously selfish and rude! Why couldn't he have watched TV downstairs so he didn't disturb you? I would also be having him sleep in the spare room (if you have one) if he's coming in so late, especially if you're feeling ill.

He was being very unreasonable anyway, lots of women have to be up early for work in the morning but still have no choice but to get up and look after a child if they wake up during the night, they just get on with it. Your DS is his child too, plus he should have been looking after you and taking on extra childcare duties as you were ill.

Xenia · 08/04/2011 17:23

I did wonder if as money etc matters to this couple a lot the fact he earns and she doesn't was causing the power imbalance and making him think it's fine he can wake everyone up in a way that most couples wouldn ot even contemplate doing. People creep in in darkness if the other one is sleeping It's plain good manners. HIs is the conduct of a selfish oaf.

On the other hand we only hear one side. He might have not had sex for 4 weeks because his wife is always tired and he was hoping to wake her as all other efforts have always failed. Mind you if he wakes the baby too that rather defeats the object.

minipie · 08/04/2011 18:08

Bumpsadaisie as a City lawyer I'd be interested to know what the family friendly options you mention are (am not being sarcastic btw! am genuinely wondering whether a non-long-hours legal job exists) wonder if you could PM me...

BlueFergie · 08/04/2011 18:51

I actually find it surprising the amount of latent (and sometimes quite blatent) sexism on this thread. There seems to be a huge assumption that the OP has decided unilaterally to co sleep and that her poor put upon DH is not happy with this arrangement. Why do people assume this? OP and DH are both parents I would assume that the co sleeping arrangement is one that they have discussed and have decided together is the best thing for THEIR family. This being the case they would both know what this entails including modifying their behaviour in the bedroom when the baby is asleep and they have both signed up for this.
Even assuming the DH is not happy with the co sleeping arrangement then coming in late at night and knowingly waking up the baby is not the way to register is unhappiness. He should have a grown up discussion with his wife about it at an opportune time.
Considering the OP came on her asking about a specific circumstance and not looking for opinions on co sleeping I am surprised at how many people are offering completely unsolicited advice on the subject, as well as asking quite intrusive questions about the OPs sex life and how it works which are quite frankly no ones business.
OP I think your DH was BU. He has decided with you that co sleeping is what works best for your family and he needs to act in a way consistent with that decision, if he doesn't and as a result wakes the baby then he deals with it. Simples

hanaka88 · 08/04/2011 19:01

Ha ha I asked DP on this one who is being unreasonable... He said if he knew the baby was stirring he would have watched tv downstairs as 'he wouldn't want a crying baby interrupting his tv time'
something for your DP to think about?

atswimtwolengths · 08/04/2011 19:05

BlueFergie Has the OP's husband actually decided with her that co-sleeping is what works best for their family?

atswimtwolengths · 08/04/2011 19:06

I always thought that people fell into co-sleeping rather than made a decision to do it. I don't know anyone personally who made a conscious decision to do that.

WinkyWinkola · 08/04/2011 19:11

I guess the op is the one who bfs the baby in the night so she might find it easier if she's next to him.

Co sleeping is irrelevant here. Weird how it's such a focus on this thread. What if any if her dcs had had a bad dream instead and they had hopped into mum and dad's bed? Or is that unacceptable too?

My dh works similar hours. He too has shown the same gross inconsideration in the past. He won't do it again.

OP YANBU. He showed you massive lack of care and courtesy. It's normal to tiptoe about in a sleeping house.

BlueFergie · 08/04/2011 19:12

At mo point has OP said her DH disagrees with the co sleeping arrangement. I find it bizarre that people assume he does?

cupofteaplease · 08/04/2011 19:25

My dh works long and unsociable hours on varying shift patterns. Every other week he goes to bed at 6pm. I am pregnant and tired and like to come to bed earlyish as it's comfortable and always put the TV on. As long as it's on low, it doesn't wake dh as he is in a deep sleep, so I don't think it's completely unreasonable to put the bedroom TV on.

onceamai · 08/04/2011 19:28

This is hard OP. I was in a similar situation when ours were small. We played it a bit differently and put a single bed in the nursery so DH got unbroken sleep to do a very demanding job (in the City or thereabouts) well for all of our futures. I made a lot of sacrifices - gave up work because DH's career was paramount, did everything at home and frankly pandered to DH and supported him throught the hard reputation making years which were very very tough. I remember a year when he worked every weekend but five and we had two DC under 5.

Fast forward a bit - we have survived, the DC are gorgeous and very grown up, we have everything we want and even if I didn't work full time (by choice) I wouldn't have to budget (although I do and we live well within our means). The early years were very tough but they were well worth it and you will reap the rewards of supporting DH if fundamentally the union is strong.

Please though, at 18 months, this baby needs to be in his or her own room even if it means you moving in with him for a little while and just nipping into DH for a hug and a snog.