or just an unreasonable wife??

[Bananamash]

I had a blazing row with DH last night, still feel pretty crap about it, but fairly sure I didn't behave too unreasonably... unless you tell me otherwise!

As a bit of background, DH works in a v stressful job in the city, long hours, usually he leaves at 6.55am and is not home til close to 10pm at night. However, the past few weeks have been much worse than normal, not getting back til midnight and having to go in at weekends too. :(

I have come down with a nasty virus, nothing serious but enough to feel shitty all the same- high temp, swollen neck and glands, achey, tired etc

As usual last night, i fed the kids, bathed them, and put them to bed. The 18m old co sleeps. I got into bed at about 9pm as i felt terrible. I got a text from DH saying he's be home at about 1030pm.

I heard him come in but went back to sleep. I think he pottered about downstairs for a bit and then came up. He turned on the TV in our room to watch family guy. This made the baby stir. Then wake up a little. Rearrange himself and lie back down again. Stir some more. This went onfor a few min, before i huffily said, "Turn that off! You're goign to wake him up properly and he won't go back to sleep!". He didn't pay any notice, and of course within 5 min the baby was wide awake, and sat their watching tv with his dad. I was still lying down with my eyes shut, trying to sleep and feeling like death whilst seething silently.

Of course, when the program finished DH turned tv off and wanted to go to sleep. Baby, now WIDE AWAKE did not. Baby, kept crawling all over me, telling me to get up etc. By this point i was furious.

Last week DH woke him up when coming to bed after getting in late from work, at about midnight. It was an accident, it just happened that baby was stirring as he came in and got into bed, and it was enough tio wake him up fully. Once wide awake he couldn't/wouldn't go back to sleep, and i had to take him downstairs and was up with him until 4am when he eventually went to sleep. I took him down as obviously DH needs his sleep, and whilst it was a total PITA it was an accident on DH's part.

However, by my reasoning, last night was entirely DH's selfish fault. I was a bit pissed offf that he would turn the tv on when i was asleep, or trying to anyway, but when he could see it was waking ds up, and particuarly when i pointed it out to him, i would have expected him to turn it off. If he was that desperate to watch it, we have a tv downstairs.

So.... i got up, said I am ill, and not dealing with this, you woke him up, you deal with it. DS is very clingy to me, as of course it is always me who puts him to bed etc. I left to go to the spare room. Then DH comes storming in and starts shouting at me, saying do i think it is fair to leave him to look after wide awake ds as he has to be up for work at 615am. I said, or tried to say through his shouting, that I thought it was fair as he had selfishly turned tv on and refused to turn it off waking up ds, therefore he should get him back to sleep. He shouted that if i inisisted on sleeping in the spare room and leaving him to get ds back to sleep he wouldn't be sleeping at home tomorrow, and stormed out slamming the door.

I heard them talking, and dh trying to get him back to sleep for about 15min, but they didn't have to go downstairs etc.

I didn't see him this morning, just heard him slam the front door as he left....

I think we are both overtired- me from being ill and him from working so hard (which he does for the good of his family, i know). But i really don't think he was being fair execting me to have to properly wake up, and then get ds back to sleep, probably by rocking him, walking him up and down etc....

So, AIBU or not?

[ScroobiousPip]

whitevanwoman - the baby didn't just 'wake up'.

He - and the OP - were both woken up by her DH putting the TV on late at night and ignoring the OP's request to turn it off. I'd be furious if anyone did that to me, irrespective of the baby.

[Newgolddream]

I agree with the posters who say both you and your DH OP sound exhausted, we can all say things we dont mean and act accordingly when like this, you are both exhausted for different reasons, both equally worthwhile. But if if you want to continue to co-sleep - then I think a serious discussion is called for, when both of you are up for it and not too tired. Because this is not going to go away, ok if it was the occasional night then DH could sleep in the spare room but it sounds as if he is regularly working long hours.

So you either sleep apart from your DH or work on your child sleeping alone - yes I know this will be hard work but I think its the only available option to you as your child is only getting older. Im not judging your co sleeping choice here but if you want to continue then changes will have to be made for everyones sanity. Children have to learn to get themselves back to sleep when they wake up during the night without a "prop" - be it a dummy or their Mum for example.

Personally as you are husband and wife as well as Mum and Dad I think its important to sleep together in the same bed but of course not everyone will agree and at the end of the day its what would suit you all as a family. Good luck!!

And no scroobiouspip I dont think 18 months is too old to bf or they should be potty trained at this age, my DS is 3 and 4 months and is only finally picking the potty up now.

[chuffinheck]

He was being a bit of an ass, but it looks from the outside that your current situation is a timebomb waiting to happen.

[Newgolddream]

And I should have said regardless of the baby he was a bit selfish waking you up, some people though like to chill out by watching TV in bed instead of the living room, Im not 1 of them though, by the sounds of it your DH is. But situation is a ticking time bomb.

[onlylivinggirl]

YANBU- he deliberately did something that woke you and the baby up- I think in a bedroom at night the rights/needs of the sleeping people should be priority. If you had shouted at him when he woke the baby up by accident (just with the incidental noises of going to bed) then that would have been unreasonable but not in this situation. The fact that he's working long hours and getting up early doesn't give him a licence to be totally selfish.
Even if the baby wasn't woken up he woke you up for no reason which is unfair.

[ScroobiousPip]

So you either sleep apart from your DH or work on your child sleeping alone - yes I know this will be hard work but I think its the only available option to you as your child is only getting older.

Um, how about the OP's DH just acts respectfully and doesn't switch the TV on after other people in the room (whether baby or OP) have gone to bed? A less drastic option, perhaps?

[Bananamash]

Thanks for all the replies.

Comforting to know most people think the turning the tv on was a no no, regardless of co sleeping or not.

I think we do need to have a talk, about last night and about how we should all sleep if he is coming in so late.

Not sure how i will approach this as fairly sure he will still be cross when he comes in tonight- which will undoubtedly be late as he usually plays pool afterwork on a friday... ho hum...

Thanks again for the replies.

[Morloth]

Do you know his behaviour is so far out of the realms of 'reasonable' I don't even know what I would do if DH tried that shit.

He wouldn't dare.

Sometimes we are all already in bed when he comes in, and I hear him put the telly on, but he has it on much lower because even though he is in a different room, not being a selfish prick he doesn't want to wake anyone up.

Either move the baby to another room or move yourself and the baby to another room while you are still co-sleeping.

When our babies are in our room then that room is of limits for everything other than sleeping.

[ScroobiousPip]

I wonder if it would also be useful to have a chat about his working hours too Bananamash? It sounds as if he dealt with that properly at work then the sleeping issues might be less of an issue.

[MerylStrop]

You both sound knackered, you must be. He was unreasonable to put the TV on and unreasonable to take the huff.

I think I would take the the TV, rather than the baby out of your bedroom. I co-slept with all mine until they were ready to stop, by about age 2.

May I ask why his job is such a nightmare? Do you need a rethink as a family about how you want things to be? If he's working all of his life presumably he is well paid enough to buy in some help?

[Crawling]

So what happens if the op does move the baby out her DP comes in switches the TV on and just wakes the op up while she ill yes that will solve everything wont it, NO it wont, Op either DP doesnt put the TV on or he moves the tv and himself into the spare room. Which means no one is woken and DP gets to watch his TV

[Newgolddream]

scroobiouspip - I dont think you get my point - yes her DH was selfish - but its his bedroom to and maybe he - maybe he was just so tired he didnt think of waking her up? Im not justifying him btw as I think it was wrong - Im a light sleeper so I would have been mad if it was me as it doesnt take much to wake me up.

But Im just thinking of the future - an adult coming to a bed where there is a sleeping child will always risk waking the child up, that was what I was meaning - the situation is not going to go away just because DH agrees not to put the TV on for example - DH will always risk waking the baby up and therefore in turn the OP - so yes the choice is separate beds for them or child in its own bed.

[NoWayNoHow]

YANBU about your DH watching TV in bed while you're trying to sleep when there's a TV downstairs (I would also argue if he's THAT tired, and has to be up THAT early, maybe he shouldn't watch TV when he gets home, eh... )

However, your "baby" is 18 months old - that's not a baby, that's a toddler. You say you feel bad about you/DH not getting sleep cos your DS is awake, but think about your DS - he's being woken by your movements and frequently having disturbed sleep at night. I tend to agree that it's time for him to be in his own room...

Last night wouldn't have escalated if your DS wasn't in your bed - you would have heard DH come in and turn the TV on, and you would have fumed a little in bed, but after the programme, it would have been lights out ad everyone asleep, and none of this would have happened.

Have you spoken to DH recently about how he feels about having an 18 month old in bed with him still? Have you thought that on top of feeling exhausted from work, he resents having to tiptoe around his own bedroom when he comes home?

[cestlavielife]

do what was said -ask him to watch tv and sleep in spare rooom so he can get undisturbed sleep and so can you.

presumably his city job comes with high financial gain - so use that money for mothers help/cleaner/babysitter etc.

i dont buy that you cannot get a baby sitter. surely he earns enough to pay for one? thru an agency? etc?

and if he is not getting very high salary commensurate with the amount of hours and stress then seriously consider a job change....

[Crawling]

' he resents having to tiptoe around his own bedroom when he comes home?'

Well he will have to sleep alone because any decent person would tiptoe around if thier partner was sleeping (regardless of co sleeping) so if that is a problem then he cant share a room with his partner either.

[cestlavielife]

longer term - what is his relationship with his DC going to be if he never sees them?

or is he wholly involved when work permits time off?

is he a fun loving hands on dad when you go on family holiday which his high earning job pays for?

does he ever let you have time off on weekend and he takes care of DC?

start looking at the bigger picture here

[ScroobiousPip]

But an adult who comes to bed normally doesn't risk waking a child up at all. It was the added step of turning the TV on that really woke up her DS. Surely, if you come in late and people are asleep then you creep in quietly, get changed in the bathroom if necessary etc. None of that would wake a child up properly.

I think, sadly, that if the OP had posted this without mentioning her DS at all, she would have had a better response. Pretty much everyone agrees that her DH was BU to switch on the TV while she was sleeping. Co-sleeping is a red herring.

[Bananamash]

The work situation will hopefully soon go back to 7am-930pm ish... i hope. He has only been qualified 6m so, eventually we might be able to buy in some help/support, but not for some time until his pay goes up. Those hours are sadly part of the job culture and the current climate being what it is, it would not be wise to be seen to not be pulling your weight as it were.

Thanks again for the feedback.

[Flower1000]

Regardless of wether the toddler is in the bed or not I think YANBU and i'd be fuming if my DH came into the bedroom, saw I was asleep and turned on the telly. Just shows a complete disregard for you.

I'd also suggest making the baby sleep in his/her own room too and have a chat about your DH job. Doesn't sound like it's healthy.

[ScroobiousPip]

Bananamash - is he a lawyer by any chance? I only ask because I have been there and, although there is a work culture of long hours in many firms, actually it is possible to counter that culture without adversely affecting your job chances if you are smart and organised . It's easier to go with the flow but if your DH is in that situation he should seriously consider being a little more assertive. Plenty of trainees and NQs manage fairly reasonable hours - especially those brave/crazy enough to have a family too.

[HipposGoBeserk]

To everyone 'helpfully' advising OP to put the baby in his own room to sleep. You do know it's not that simple, right?

God, if I could have "just put the baby to sleep in his own room" I really, really would have done. When you are tired, and the baby is tired, and everyone just needs some sleep (and poor OP has been ill, as well as coping with what sounds like 100% of the childcare on top of everything else) then co-sleeping is a beautiful compromise.

The issue is that her husband deliberately woke them both up.

The co-sleeping is not the point, and mythering the OP about it is very unhelpful.

[Newgolddream]

Well all children are different I suppose, some are lighter sleepers than others, and I know DS3 would be woken for example by someone just going into his room, slightest wee noise and hes awake, luckily he can get himself back to sleep as he shares with DS2.

OP - those work hours sound pretty heavy for your DH, how does he feel about them and co sleeping? It must be hard for him to see your child at all through the week. Even going back to 7am - 930pm sounds a lot!

[NoWayNoHow]

scroobiouspip I disagree, the co-sleeping is a massive part of what happened and what caused the issue to escalate. OP's DH was being extremely selfish by turning on the TV when she was sleeping. However, from her own post she was "seething in silence" until the DS started waking and that's when she said something. The whole fight and screaing was about who was going to get DS back to sleep, so co-sleeping is very much not a red-herring.

Also, for those saying "co-sleeping is your choice, he should respect that " - I find that really offensive. If it's a combined choice that her and DH have made together, then brilliant, but if I were him and it was my bed that had been taken over without me agreeing, I'd be severely hacked off, especially working the hours he does.

Oh, and with regards to creeping around when coming in late not waking a child - every night when DH and I come to bed, even though we're quiet as mice, DS hears us and stirs.

I tend to agree that the current situation probably isn't sustainable if OP's DH is going to continue to work long hours and come in once everyone's asleep. They just need to have a calm, rational chat about what everyone wants...

[Newgolddream]

hippo - of course I know its not that easy - thats why I said it would be hard work. You may not see the co sleeping as the point - but it is relevant. If it had just been OP woken up - then Im sure they could have had a chat and the matter could be resolved by now, when they both arent too tired. But even if he agrees to not putting the TV on ever again he still risks waking the child up - and then Mum whos tired having to deal with that.

[Bananamash]

lol, he is scroobious! Large city firm and all that goes with it! I get the distinct impression that they pay a large salary but expect their pound of fleash for it!