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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be judgey about parents with babies with REALLY flat heads

324 replies

BigGingerCat · 08/04/2011 10:20

Second AIBU thread I've started today - I must be mad.

First off - my DS has a bit of a flat patch, very mild. I know it happens because we all lay babies on their backs to sleep now, and it is apparently just cosmetic. Not talking about mild or moderate cases as these I understand can fix themselves when the baby gets older. I also accept that there is only so much you can do. But I go to a lot of baby groups and I would say that about 1 in 20 babies I've seen have heads which are entirely flat at the back, i.e from the neck up it's just a straight line. Literally it shocks me and I'm not easily shockable. And these same parents put their babies straight down on their backs for the whole of the baby group. Mine can't sit but I hold him on my lap, put him on his tummy, turn his head etc.... all things which I would have thought were basic common sense things to do.

I am not judging women who have PND and who are too exhausted and miserable to function, and where this may be a factor. I have it too. But there is no excuse for letting your baby get like this - surely skulls can't always pop back to normal if they're that far gone out of shape? Feel really sorry for the kids concerned, especially boys as their hair won't cover it. Am I the only person who notices this sort of thing and gets....well a bit judgey quite frankly?

OP posts:
schmee · 08/04/2011 20:40

It does cost a fortune - £2,000. It makes me absolutely incensed. We were lucky enough to be able to find the money, but other people aren't. Some PCTs have started to fund treatment though so it is worth asking and fighting.

If you can do tummy time with your baby for quite a substantial part of the day that can help. And there are other physical therapy things you can do. But it's quite hard to get advice as a lot of GPs and HVs completely reject that it is a problem.

There are risk factors that make a problem more likely - e.g. premature birth, a condition called torticollis where the muscles in the neck are really tight on one side. It's very common in multiples, because they get squashed in the womb (and also because naturally they spend a bit more time on their backs because the mother can't hold both newborns all the time).

FAB5 · 08/04/2011 20:41

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schmee · 08/04/2011 20:41

Also, just to agree with SmilingHappyBeaver, yes, some babies do just grow like that.

cory · 08/04/2011 20:50

BigGingerCat Fri 08-Apr-11 19:07:02
"For my sins, I'm back. Can't seem to stay away. Some of you haven't read the whole thread which I understand but I did say I'm absolutely NOT referring to those who have genetic or other conditions."

One problem is that genetic or other conditions are not necessarily identified at birth, so the parent will not necessarily know that's what it is. My dd has a different genetical condition, causing problems that I am sure you could equally have put down to my poor parenting- and which I know I did get judged for. She was diagnosed when she was nearly 8! That was a long time for me to beat myself up and feel inferior.

Olifin · 08/04/2011 21:04

I can't be bothered to haven't time to read the rest of the thread, but Prunnhilda, in answer to your question at the start of the thread: the reason the Chiropractor could have helped DS was that his plagiocephaly was entirely behavioural, ie it was caused by the fact he persistently favoured lying with his head on one particular side (I guess there was something more interesting that side of his cot than the other) and the more he favoured one side; the easier it was to keep returning to that one side. This is why his head was flat at the side rather than at the back. It was very noticeable and caused his forehead, eyes and eyebrows to look very uneven. In fact, it wasn't even just when he was lying down; in a 'neutral' position e.g. sitting on my lap, he would look slightly to one side and seemed to have difficulty turning his head the other way. There is something called torticollis which is something to do with tendons being tighter at one side of the neck than the other which can cause difficulty in moving the head in certain ways. Chiropractors can work with such issues. Obviously, if it had been simply a genetic thing; the natural shape of his head, then she wouldn't have been able to change it.

OP....Sorry if someone has already said this but, in my experience, PND can cause us to be overly critical; both of ourselves and of others. For quite a long while, I felt that breastfeeding was the only aspect of parenting I was able to do really well. Unfortunately, as a result I got a bit funny about it. I never went around telling others what to do or what not to do but I will admit that I sometimes harboured secret judgey thoughts about mothers who had chosen to formula feed. I know it was wrong but that's just the way I was at the time. Luckily, I now feel differently.

fatlazymummy · 08/04/2011 21:06

Have just skimmed through this thread. I feel as if I have wandered into an alternate universe. One populated by complete nutters. Do people really go round looking at other people's babies to see if they are flat or not?

atthecarwash · 08/04/2011 21:12

WTF?

jellybeans · 08/04/2011 21:15

YABVVVVFU

One of my twins has a flatter head, it happened in the womb!!!! Nice to know that you would be sat judging me!! Luckily I don't have much time for bitchy types and don't care what people think.

beesimo · 08/04/2011 21:23

I don't know how you modern Mams aren't driven crackers by all this information and facts floating around nowadays we just learnt from older Mams and it was much easier. Its a mystery you don't all end up in a home for the bewildered. There is no such thing as a normal baby they are all different and if its normal for them to have a flatish or roundish head its normal from them. No need for panic stations!

fatlazymummy · 08/04/2011 21:50

beesimo, I totally agree. I'm so grateful that I had my kids in the pre internet days.

ArthurPewty · 08/04/2011 22:20

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Thornykate · 08/04/2011 22:43

Thanks leonie luv we have established that waaaay up the thread.

LDNmummy · 08/04/2011 22:52

For all the anger on this thread I have to be honest and say that in a way I am grateful for it because it has educated me on something I didn't previously know about that may affect my baby. Thanks for links leonie

maighdlin · 08/04/2011 22:55

YABU. DD has a lovely shaped head, but DNiece (6mo) has a very flat head. she hasn't recovered from getting stuck in my sisters pelvis and been ventoused out. would you judge a child who walked oddly from scoliosis? don't think so.

inanna12 · 08/04/2011 22:57

re: all the comments about pnd and the fact that bgc would have done better for herself to post on a more relevant board - anyone remember the way that pnd errodes your ability to really ask for help? all depression does something strange to the ego whereby we (sufferers) find it hard to focus on anything much other than our own misery but are constantly trying to avoid feeling it. sometimes when you feel worthless, that can mean you don't feel worthy of help, or of asking for it. i think that bgc could do with a bit more understanding - not that it isn't a bit of a thoughtless post to begin with - but because it seems to me that its thoughtlessness has led her, via a circuitous route, to feel even more shit about herself.
bgc - much love and many blessings.

LDNmummy · 08/04/2011 22:57

I asked my mother about this and she said that this has always been an issue but women used to practice the technique of molding their baby's head shape by hand if it was thought necessary. Apparently she did it with me but only because I had a big forehead as a baby. Thanks mum Hmm

LDNmummy · 08/04/2011 22:59

Well said inanna

MavisEnderby · 08/04/2011 23:02

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HalfTermHero · 08/04/2011 23:14

Fair comment, Mavis. The ridiculous and medically incorrect assertion that flat/misshapen head = bad parenting is simply ignorant and offensive.

inanna12 · 08/04/2011 23:14

for goodness sake, MavisEnderby, why on earth would your sad tale have "made bgc's day"? have you actually read this thread, or just used it to vent some of your misery at the uncontrollable and therefore hard- to -deal with aspects of life? if that's the case, you're doing exactly what bgc is.
am i alone in thinking that if parenting teaches you anything, it's that kindness and understanding are actually quite effective in making life better?

ffs.

inanna12 · 08/04/2011 23:18

yes, bgc's assumption is ignorant and offensive, btw. no argument there. kind of annoying though when people posting clearly haven't bothered to read the whole thing but have just reacted. again, same as bgc.

MavisEnderby · 08/04/2011 23:21

Very sorry innana.I am in a very bad mood having being trolled on a bereavement thread and probably shouldn't have posted.Please accept my apologies but I am a little oversensitive right now,I know someone whose dc had plagiocephaly and they went through a lot of misery with theri dc.I shouldn't have posted,sorry.It just seemed that the op was being deliberately awful towards parents of children with plagiocephaly and I am sick of nastiness on here.If I have offended anyone in anyway I am sorry.I should probably have read thread right through

Thornykate · 08/04/2011 23:26

Sorry to hear that Mavis I think anyone who read your post could see that it was fuelled by sadness not spite, am sure no-one is offended.
Agree about the nastiness, it gets to us all when someone is horrible when we are at a low point. Take care.

inanna12 · 08/04/2011 23:29

thanks for apology MavisEnderby. (passes cup of virtual tea.) i am new here and maybe a bit naive in thinking/hoping we were gonna be supporting each other, not projecting our stuff onto fellow mums and bitching. sorry to hear about your bad day.

MavisEnderby · 08/04/2011 23:32

I am totally up for supporting people??I think I shall read thread,but how plagiocephaly can be anybodies fault totally eludes me.!!!