To be judgey about parents with babies with REALLY flat heads

[BigGingerCat]

Second AIBU thread I've started today - I must be mad.

First off - my DS has a bit of a flat patch, very mild. I know it happens because we all lay babies on their backs to sleep now, and it is apparently just cosmetic. Not talking about mild or moderate cases as these I understand can fix themselves when the baby gets older. I also accept that there is only so much you can do. But I go to a lot of baby groups and I would say that about 1 in 20 babies I've seen have heads which are entirely flat at the back, i.e from the neck up it's just a straight line. Literally it shocks me and I'm not easily shockable. And these same parents put their babies straight down on their backs for the whole of the baby group. Mine can't sit but I hold him on my lap, put him on his tummy, turn his head etc.... all things which I would have thought were basic common sense things to do.

I am not judging women who have PND and who are too exhausted and miserable to function, and where this may be a factor. I have it too. But there is no excuse for letting your baby get like this - surely skulls can't always pop back to normal if they're that far gone out of shape? Feel really sorry for the kids concerned, especially boys as their hair won't cover it. Am I the only person who notices this sort of thing and gets....well a bit judgey quite frankly?

terribly judgy and unreasonable to decide on their parenting skills and mental health status based on their childs head shape - I have 3 children - 1 has a triangle head - she suffered birth trauma is deaf and a bit clumsy as well which is also no doubt my fault

parents do some awful things to their children - worry about those things and leave mums with perfectly healthy relationships with their kids off your radar

BigGingerCat Please don't be so hard on yourself. I was sad to read your post on page 4. You are not a failure at all, you're just in a bad place mentally at the moment but all will get better. And please don't go leaving mumsnet either! Just don't start any more threads on AIBU and you'll be fine

I've found Mumsnet a great source of info, advice, support and I love threads that make me pmsl. I'm sure if you stick around you will too.

(disclaimer: no, I don't work for Mumsnet)

my head is flat on top.my irresponsaible mother must have spent my entire infancy training me to do headstands

How do you know they don't care, BGC? So they haven't shared their feelings with you. Doesn't mean they don't love their babies very much.

Look, PND is a bitch, but you don't have to be. Try to be more positive about other people and you might find you start feeling better about yourself too. It doesn't have to be all "Ooh, I'm a better mother than so-and-so because I care more about their child's head". Stop comparing yourself to other mothers and just concentrate on being the best mother you can be for your child, and getting well.

princessparty - that was really unnecessary

Haven't bothered to read the thread but your OP is nasty and ignorant. It's bad enough having a child who will be disfigured for life (despite intervention, physical therapy, tummy time, helmet treatment) e.g. without ignorant cows ascribing blame to the parent.

Do some research before spouting such ridiculous offensive nonsense.

Unnecessary? What does that mean? What post is 'necessary'? Is the thread 'necessary'? Is MN necessary? No!

Unnecessary to have a pop about PND. I think if you read between the lines you'd see she's not in a good place. and has acknowledged starting the thread was a mistake

I think you should pay attention to you and yours before commenting on others, OP.

Oh and despite having PND and twins (one with reflux) to look after, by myself, I managed to care enough to find out about and implement treatment, despite being told by the GP on numerous occasions that I was being ridiculous and that it wasn't a problem. I had to fight to get treatment, and I had to pay for it. Which lots of people can't afford to do.

This condition is totally minimised by the NHS generally. I'm only sorry that I initially trusted healthcare professions. My child might not have a permanent and visible disability that distresses me every day if I hadn't.

But I never, never think that I caused it through laziness or lack of care. I can tell you that lazy and uncaring were the last words you could use to describe me, or any of the other mothers I know whose children suffer from plagiocephaly.

Vile, vile, vile to blame a parent for their child's deformity like this.

And if you've got the time and energy to start a thread on mumsnet, couldn't you apply some of that energy closer to home.

OP you're not doing yourself any favours by continuing to imply that some, or most, flat heads are caused by parents not noticing or caring. Just because people don't spend the entire time talking about it doesn't mean they aren't aware or are bad parents.

I'm going to make a wild stab in the dark here but are any of the mothers you look at and decide aren't holding or turning their babies often enough ones who have managed to effortlessly do one of the bits of parenthood that you've struggled with? Does it upset you that someone who seems to care so little has a baby that naps easily or had no problems breastfeeding? Are you attacking them because they have had an easier time than you think they deserve?

I think if you'd started a thread in the parenting or mental health sections saying 'I'm worried I'm not doing well at this parenting thing and I need a few people to come and give me a virtual cheer for the things I feel I am doing well - cuddling, holding, ensuring he gets tummy time, etc.' you would have got a lovely response telling you how well you were doing. Making this a nasty thread about other people's bad parenting has meant you've had unpleasant (and I think deservedly so to some extent) responses which will make you feel a lot worse if you're feeling down anyway.

It's not really about these other mums and what they're doing, it's about you trying to make yourself feel better and I think it's probably been a failure on that front as well. I hope you do find some support (either on mn or in rl) and it makes your outlook more positive towards others as well as yourself.

Have I been living in a box all these years?

How on earth have I got to DC4 & only just been enlightened about flat headed babies who's mums don't care?

Am I wrong in thinking that babies just have soft little heads & any moulding is temporary? Also that putting them on their backs is fine to play etc & that unless you stand guard over the cot all night some babies just roll onto their backs themselves much the same as adults do?

Take a whole packet of s and shove them where the sun don't shine OP. Just because the other mothers at baby group aren't discussing the ins and outs of their babys health and well being with you(and why should they?) doesn't mean they're not doing anything about it.

Thornykate - unfortunately some moulding isn't just temporary. But the medical establishment maintain that it is, because they don't want to fund helmets in all cases of deformity. The NHS would rather that a small percentage of children had a permanent deformity, rather than funding a large number of cases where the deformation will right itself.

This thread is plain weird! I cannot believe the things that people think about let alone start a thread about it.

I bet that sort of thing costs a fortune to buy privately too :(

Surely that can't be the parents fault that moulding occurs though? Sorry think I need to re-read the thread in more detail & the links.

YABVU and ignorant.

DS3 (5 months) has a flat head. He has spent just as much time on his back/tummy/in my arms etc etc as both my other 2 DS's, neither of whom ever had an even slightly flat head. Conclusion? Some babies just grow like that, or have more malleable skulls, for whatever reason.

Do you go around judging parents of small babies because they don't feed them enough? Or parents of large babies because they are overfeeding them? Newsflash... babies come in all shapes and sizes!