To be judgey about parents with babies with REALLY flat heads

[BigGingerCat]

Second AIBU thread I've started today - I must be mad.

First off - my DS has a bit of a flat patch, very mild. I know it happens because we all lay babies on their backs to sleep now, and it is apparently just cosmetic. Not talking about mild or moderate cases as these I understand can fix themselves when the baby gets older. I also accept that there is only so much you can do. But I go to a lot of baby groups and I would say that about 1 in 20 babies I've seen have heads which are entirely flat at the back, i.e from the neck up it's just a straight line. Literally it shocks me and I'm not easily shockable. And these same parents put their babies straight down on their backs for the whole of the baby group. Mine can't sit but I hold him on my lap, put him on his tummy, turn his head etc.... all things which I would have thought were basic common sense things to do.

I am not judging women who have PND and who are too exhausted and miserable to function, and where this may be a factor. I have it too. But there is no excuse for letting your baby get like this - surely skulls can't always pop back to normal if they're that far gone out of shape? Feel really sorry for the kids concerned, especially boys as their hair won't cover it. Am I the only person who notices this sort of thing and gets....well a bit judgey quite frankly?

My cousin's ds and my nephew both had really flat heads as babies, My cousin & sil didn't do anything that much different to me and ds didn't have a flat head.

Now the boys are all 4 and none of them have flat heads.

Go figure.

I'm not sure about that Rita babies have slept on their backs since time began. It didn't need any kind of campaign for parents to place their children in a sleeping position that suited them.

My dp has a flat head, as in straight line from neck upwards, and he says it's a Celtic thing and is generally to be found in those of Celtic origin....

I am a flat head spotter, not in a judgey way, just fascinated. My 1st two had it very slightly, and when i wash my 4 year old's hair i can still see it. I don't agree that it resolves itself in time. I have also spotted older kids with flat heads and adults. Its usually boys because the girl's hair tends to obscure my nosiness it.

There was a mum who's baby had it quite severely at our baby group, and he whole face was distorted because of it. She is 4 now and I can still see her face isn't even.

I think prevention is the way. Once it starts, its a viscous cycle. Its flat in one place, so baby's automatically rolls into the same position.

I have never, ever given any of my 3 DCs tummy time - it never occured to me to do so until recently when a HV asked me if I put DD on her tummy. I went home and did so and she cried so picked her up again.... All mine hated being on the backs anyway so spent a lot of time upright or on their sides.

I have never noticed a baby with a headshape as you describe. But I suppose I would find it a bit unusual if I were to notice it. It depends though. If a baby is being left alone day in day out in a cot on it's back while it's mum mns plays online bingo or something then I might judge. But given that these mothers are out and about at toddler groups, then they are probably trying to do the best for their babies as are all of us. So in that case, YA being a bit U.

worraliberty - back sleeping is a lot more common now than a generation or two ago though, many of our parents and grandparents were told to put babies on their fronts or sides to sleep.

oh for fucks sake

I know, Dancing. You are right. It is none of my business really what other babies' heads look like. I am even pissing myself off now. I am not myself and I should really not be awake at 3am working out how to word my two AIBU posts when I should be bloody well sleeping.

Still couldn't help myself wading into the bear pit as low as I feel!

Prunnhilda - yes. I was actually crying when I got home that day and kept apologising to my poor DS. Maybe if I was well I would judge less and feel less judged myself.

Rita I accept that but really most Mother's I knew just got on and did what they wanted to do. All this 'campaign' stuff did start later but I'm not sure how much real difference it made.

I have quite a flat head, and I was always put to sleep on my front, sat up early etc. (I am fairly Celtic...)
Some people have a big occipital bun, and some don't.
It's like long fingers or earlobes - it's meaningless.

My dd's head was v v flat as a baby, it literally happened between around 12-16 weeks. Thankyou for making me feel like a shit mother, really wouldnt have thought people would judge me for it, I was so upset at the time. It is still quite flat but covered by her hair now. For dd2 I got a lovenest pillow, her head is fine but when I had dd1 there was no info about it, the health visitor gave me a leaflet with dd2. Fwiw, dd1 hated tummy time but also had reflux so preferred to be upright. She was ONLY on her back at night as per sids guidelines. Sometimes babies can have muscles in their neck which make them lean their head to one side, like dd1. When her head was repositioned it went back to the same place so a flat patch formed. She was also very small and I fear this didnt help, it happened so quickly. We took her to the docs and the gp just measured her head . Well done for your excellent parenting.

Aw BGC are you getting some help? Have you been to the GP?

No offence meant to Celtic people at all - I had never heard of that, and I'm sure what I am seeing cannot be explained by natural racial/ethnic differences or of course I would not have started this thread.

I can imagine it's a bit of a vicious circle - you get pissed off so you notice annoying little things, which piss you off so you notice more!

Take your DS out in the sun (don't wrap him up too much though ) let him play on the grass and get yourself an icecream. Assuming the sun's out by you too. Try and take your mind off it for a bit [realises that's not the cure for PND]

YABU - babies heads flatten because the bones are soft and then become rounder again as they grow. Once they are rolling around and crawling they won't spend much time on their backs anyway. And the backs of some peoples heads are really flat, it is genetic and has nothing to do with slack parenting.

I think you are overthinking parenting. We really don't have that much control over how our babies develop. So long as we feed them, cuddle them and keep them clean they mostly turn out fine.

I don't think it was serious about the Celtic link? (I wasn't!) AFAIK 'Celtic' is a huge misnomer anyway, so don't worry.

I was a bit abrasive before because we used to call ds Renault Megane. (His head is 95% normal now!) I hope that gives you a chuckle

BigGingerCat: don't want to trivialize PND or use it to be hostile to you, and I'm sorry if you're suffering. But I seriously think if you have time and mental energy to waste in judging other people about something which is a) so utterly trivial in the scheme of a baby's development and b) its not clear how much control parents have over flat head syndrome anyway, you should channel some of this judgement into something more productive. Seriously.

Violetmoon - I only judge those who don't do anything about it, who come to the same baby groups week after week and the problem is obviously getting worse. You quite clearly did do something, as much as you could reasonably have done, and so I apologise to you personally, (but not for the thread), for making you feel bad.

(to the op) my daughter was born with a flat head through no fault of mine of hers
and if someone had said anything like what you just have, i would have twatted them for being an insensitive knob and wearing huge judgy pants

and for you information it is called plagiocephaly

DS1 has a flat head. It is because I am a shit parent and nothing to do with genetics

boobop the advice has only fairly recently been for babies to sleep on their back whereas previously women were encouraged to have their babies side/front sleeping. So although I agree that almost all plagiocephalic babies will eventually remodel with appropriate parental action, we do not know really the longterm incidence given the increased incidence.

But OP there is no need to get judgey - these moms are following advice, perhaps a bit too much but it's not like it's the worst thing in the world.

Thankyou for the apology and I really hope you will be back on track soon! However, if I had gone the same baby class I would probably have been the most judged one there! My dd's head got worse every week and thats why it was so upsetting, because we were trying repositioning, flat head pillows, keeping her upright, even a special curved mattress but it just kept getting flatter. You do need to lie them down at some point, they need to learn to roll etc.

My Ds had a really flat head. Soon rectified itself when he got to toddler stage. Find something else to be shocked about.