To be judgey about parents with babies with REALLY flat heads

[BigGingerCat]

Second AIBU thread I've started today - I must be mad.

First off - my DS has a bit of a flat patch, very mild. I know it happens because we all lay babies on their backs to sleep now, and it is apparently just cosmetic. Not talking about mild or moderate cases as these I understand can fix themselves when the baby gets older. I also accept that there is only so much you can do. But I go to a lot of baby groups and I would say that about 1 in 20 babies I've seen have heads which are entirely flat at the back, i.e from the neck up it's just a straight line. Literally it shocks me and I'm not easily shockable. And these same parents put their babies straight down on their backs for the whole of the baby group. Mine can't sit but I hold him on my lap, put him on his tummy, turn his head etc.... all things which I would have thought were basic common sense things to do.

I am not judging women who have PND and who are too exhausted and miserable to function, and where this may be a factor. I have it too. But there is no excuse for letting your baby get like this - surely skulls can't always pop back to normal if they're that far gone out of shape? Feel really sorry for the kids concerned, especially boys as their hair won't cover it. Am I the only person who notices this sort of thing and gets....well a bit judgey quite frankly?

zukie - I guess the thing is as more research is done, we understand better ways to do things.

OP you may not still be reading but: I think you will find yourself a lot happier if you actively try to stop judging others so much, and realise that very few people are judging you at all.

Judginess is so isolating.

Good luck

What is there to judge here OP? Have a

Nephew has a sewriously flat head

3 months in scbu you see

OP, YABU

I'm in the same situation as violetmoon and a few other posters. I did monitor DS's flat head very carefully and took a lot of advice on it (including the GP's who gave me a very patronising "he's OK and you're mad" look when I asked). He's fine now.

My sincere advice to you: stop judging things like this. Or if you really want to help, and if it's of such great concern to you, maybe tactfull ask the mothers you describe in your original post?

dear op yabu
but you know that really

Would you still judge a mother who had done everything possible to get something done about her childs very flat head when it could have been helped but the NHS, despite scans, wouldn't do anything about it? My friend now has a child who cannot be helped and will always have to use his hair to hide it. It also cannot be put down to negligent parenting as she has two DD's of her own (has adopted the little boy now) and is a foster carer so has been put through all the correct training and knows all the guidelines for sleeping.

I find it odd that you have got the time and inclination to judge on something as minor as this, OP. Perhaps you should spend your time at parenting groups wisely, pointing out what a wonderful parent you are because you put your baby on its front.

What???

I'm so glad I had my children long enough ago that people weren't obsessed about things like this (also missed Baby Led Weaning, Weaning at 6 months or not, food in jars being the work of the devil, co-sleeping, baby wearing etc etc)

No jeckadeck, because I am one of those mothers with PND and I know how sometimes you feel so shit that it is an effort to do anything with your baby at all, even basic baby care.

OP, didn't see that before posting. I can see that if you've got PND yourself you are going to be a bit paranoid (but believe me when I say most people are not looking around to point the finger at you) - but don't judge others.

No insults please

hey, it's Leonie with an OPINION. Who'da thought it

Jaqueline, most people have a bit of a flat bit at the back, the consultant we saw for my daughter told us that. The ones the OP is talking about is where the babies literally look they have had a frying pan hit them at the back, it's incredibly pronounced in a few babies (not the little flat spots you see on quite a lot now).

The same consultant told us that up to 50% of babies have flat bits which are temporary due to the back to sleep campaign (which he fully supported), even his own daughter had two minor ones. It's the very severe ones that are problematic, in our case my daughter's ears had moved over 2.5cm apart (so one was an inch in front of the other if you looked down on her head).

I actually agree with the OP that it's a shame not to know about how to prevent this, it's not all parental (there's lots of studies to show that certain types of babies, premmie, large babies, if they have neck problems such as torticollis) but you can make it worse. I certainly did, thinking it was fine to let my LO play on her baby gym on the floor without thinking about how it was worsening her headshape, she loved to be put down. Luckily for us, we got a helmet, and after six months, she had the head she was born with back again. Our choice, for which I am truly grateful, you do meet the odd older child with quite pronounced asymmetry and whilst I don't think it's a big deal, a bit like wonky teeth, I think it's better corrected if possible.

Ok, I should not run away. I should have been clear in my OP that I do NOT apply judgement to anyone with babies with health issues/genetic factors/premature/who have tried their damnedest to sort out the issue. I am sorry if you think I am a total twat, that is of course your prerogative and I am really and genuinely very sorry if I have hurt anyone - but if I have then I probably wasn't referring to you in the first place.

The people I am judging I KNOW don't have any of these factors applying to their situation, they just don't admit there is an issue, don't care, don't do anything to alleviate the symptoms, just let it get worse and worse. I won't tell you one woman's comment to me the other week about her son with a very flat head because it may "out" me. You may not think it matters now, but maybe when you have a teenager who gets teased and bullied (not by people like me but by total morons who decide to pick on people who look different - so do I, this is why I care so much) you may find it matters then.

I would respect people a lot more if they came to baby group and said "you know what, I don't know what to do about my baby's flat head." Surely baby groups should be there for mutual support rather than everyone sitting around pretending to be perfect.

I am NOT perfect. Nowhere close. In fact right now I'm a total fucking mess. But I go to baby groups and tell them all the things I've fucked up and ask for help and advice. Some people look at me as if I'm mentally unwell to admit to getting things wrong. So don't think I'm holier-than-thou, everyone. I'm not. I have screwed up all of the following: Labour, birth, bonding, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, napping, adapting to life as a SAHM and now weaning as well. Oh, and the nail cutting, yes I was perfectly genuine about that. And if people judge me, fine, I deserve it. Why can't people accept that they just might have got this wrong too?

OP you sound like you are giving yourself a hard time about most aspects of motherhood. How on earth can you have screwed up giving birth?

But don't judge other people. It's just very rude.

I've never seen a baby with a flat head. If I noticed it I would probably just think it was the shape of their head. If they are out and about at P&T groups its unlikely that they are normally just left on their backs.

BigGingerCat (I love your name by the way),

I know I don't know you or anything about your life, so I'm probably being as arrogant as hell here, but...

you didn't mess up labour or birth! You're here and so is your baby. Whether things go wrong or go well, it's luck, or skill from birth attendants. But it's not the labouring woman's fault. Well, unless you decided to give birth while bungee jumping. Then it would be your fault if it went wrong!

And napping sorts itself out, eventually.

OP I think when you're feeling very down and questioning yourself about many aspects of your parenting (as you clearly are) it is perfectly normal to focus on something you have got 'right' to the point of becoming weirdly obsessed with it. I'm guessing as you feel so many things have gone wrong that the shape of your baby's head is something you've got right?
So many of the things you list aren't faults or bad parenting, they just happen, it's the luck of the draw. Plenty of people do everything right and still end up with problems during birth, bfing or anything else.
You really need to give yourself a break and then you'd probably find it easier to be less judgey of others as well.
Flat heads are generally not anyone's fault, same as bad nappers and fussy eaters - sometimes it's just the way things are.
Most of the people I know who've been supremely judgey with DC1 have a DC2 who proves everything they thought was a result of bad/good parenting turns out to be random. Next time you'll probably get a good sleeper with a flat head!