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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be judgey about parents with babies with REALLY flat heads

324 replies

BigGingerCat · 08/04/2011 10:20

Second AIBU thread I've started today - I must be mad.

First off - my DS has a bit of a flat patch, very mild. I know it happens because we all lay babies on their backs to sleep now, and it is apparently just cosmetic. Not talking about mild or moderate cases as these I understand can fix themselves when the baby gets older. I also accept that there is only so much you can do. But I go to a lot of baby groups and I would say that about 1 in 20 babies I've seen have heads which are entirely flat at the back, i.e from the neck up it's just a straight line. Literally it shocks me and I'm not easily shockable. And these same parents put their babies straight down on their backs for the whole of the baby group. Mine can't sit but I hold him on my lap, put him on his tummy, turn his head etc.... all things which I would have thought were basic common sense things to do.

I am not judging women who have PND and who are too exhausted and miserable to function, and where this may be a factor. I have it too. But there is no excuse for letting your baby get like this - surely skulls can't always pop back to normal if they're that far gone out of shape? Feel really sorry for the kids concerned, especially boys as their hair won't cover it. Am I the only person who notices this sort of thing and gets....well a bit judgey quite frankly?

OP posts:
RitaMorgan · 08/04/2011 11:13

worraliberty - the cot death rate halved after parents were advised to put babies to sleep on their backs, so I think it must have had some impact.

ChristinedePizan · 08/04/2011 11:14

Actually I know someone who has an adopted child who has a permanently flat head and elongated forehead because he was never picked up as a baby - just left on the floor the whole time. So it can have long term effects (although that is an extreme example of a neglected child)

ineedagoodsolicitor · 08/04/2011 11:16

I must be missing something here.

My babies slept on their backs but they turned their heads sideways so that there was a cheek on the mattress rather than the back of their neck if you see what I mean. It's naturally more comfortable than sleeping with your face upwards towards the ceiling, no ?

In time, as their neck muscles developed, they moved their head naturally from side to side during the night.

Can someone help me understand ?

Original poster
BigGingerCat · 08/04/2011 11:17

www.bbc.co.uk/health/physical_health/conditions/plagiocephaly2.shtml.

Puddingface -Thank you for the education (said without sarcasm). Yes, I can see why you are pissed off with me. I apologise to you too. The babies I've seen are a few months old tho, and I've seen most of them from a very young age, so the problem has obviously not come from birth but from factors since birth.

OP posts:
morethanyoubargainfor · 08/04/2011 11:18

Do you know what i NEVER post on AIBU but this has made by blood boil. (maybe falling in to the trap you want) but it is people like you that make parents like me paranoid that everyone is judging me and my child.

You see when i fell pregnant i was expecting 2 babies, Yes i only have 1 DC, you do the maths. Then my one child was born with hydrocephalus (excess fluid and enlarged ventricles on the brain). He is now 8 and we often recieve judgey looks and stares because he looks different, he too has a very flat head almost a straight line down the back. This is caused not by me being a lazy parent this is caused by the two reasons listed above. he has to live with it, he has no choice. I can tell you though despite all of his SPLD he is brilliant, but finds it hard to find his place in the world and silly self opinionated self important people, like you, make this even harder for him to find that place and be happy in his own skin.

Taking all that into account i would rather be with my flat headed odd looking child over a ignorant person like you.

If i meet you in RL i would probably finish this convo with a 'stick your opinions up your arse'. So i did it here as well.

Oh and YABVVVVVVVU

zukiecat · 08/04/2011 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notso · 08/04/2011 11:22

I honestly think some heads are just more suseptable to it.
DD's head was perfectly round and she only had tummy time once or twice before she could roll over, I had PND.
DS1 really flat head at one side, actually only would look to one side for three months, had daily tummy time. Is now 6.5 and his ears are still uneven. No PND
DS2 17 weeks round head, doesn't really like tummy time though he does like to be upright still spend most of his time on his back in pram/cot/swing/playmat. PND starting again. My friends DS, ten mins older than mine is in a sling pretty much all day and his head is really flat, she calls him minstral head!

Nuttychic · 08/04/2011 11:22

YABU Biscuit Boy oh boy are you in for a huge surprise once you get to be a big girl!

WelliesAndPyjamas · 08/04/2011 11:22

Actually, don't dismiss the racial/ ethnic angle - in some countries I've been to, babies have far less round heads, sort of more angular iykwim with flatter backs of head.

OP, going to be a bit judgey myself here... Are you a first time parent? Smile

Pancakeflipper · 08/04/2011 11:31

You'll be judging me in your big judgy pants. You would have been shocked to your core with my youngest. His head was flat on one side and his face was distorted.

Did I lay him down all the time in PND haze or cos I was a really crap mother who couldn't see what I was doing to my son whilst I giggled with mummy friends at Tots groups?

No we were spending far too many appointments in that 1st year at the most depressing children's medical unit I have had to visit whilst the neurologist and their brill team checked out if our sweet boy had a syndrome of one side of the brain developing and the other not meaning walking and talking might be very problematic.

I know my son's physical appearance wasn't the baby perfect image and no doubt people judged us. But to me he was beautiful and wonderful cos he's proved to be a fighter. His diagnosis proved to be less severe than first thought in his 1st year.

He's now 2. You can hardly tell.

Your post shows ignorance OP. Thank goodness you weren't there to judge me in my tots groups cos I needed support.

LeonardNimoy · 08/04/2011 11:31

Am I the only one who doesn't think the OP is for real? People stared at her son because he had scratched himsef and she has had to "pull herself up on it" and make more of an effort to get the nail cutting done right? How odd.

Original poster
BigGingerCat · 08/04/2011 11:31

To be clear, I am absolutely NOT talking about babies with other, obvious health conditions! I am talking about women I see week in week out and they would have said something if that applied to them, if it was not apparent to the eye.

I am not a complete monster and would NEVER judge you or your son. I am sorry for what you have gone through, although I imagine you will not accept that.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigGingerCat · 08/04/2011 11:34

Hiding thread now, will never post as BGC again.

OP posts:
RitaMorgan · 08/04/2011 11:34

zukiecat - I think advice changed in 1992 as it was shown that babies who slept on their backs were less likely to die. Even with the "risk" of a flat head I would still always choose that over the risk of death!

libelulle · 08/04/2011 11:35

My son's head is flat at the sides because he was pulled that way due to the breathing support he was on for the first 10 weeks of his life. His head is the shape of a weetabix. I'm grateful beyond measure that he is alive at all; in awe at every independent breath he takes. You can judge my lazy ways all you like; I'm glad to hear that you have such important things to worry about.

WelliesAndPyjamas · 08/04/2011 11:37

Bye then

Grumpla · 08/04/2011 11:38

OP, my mum taught me a very useful saying in RL which I think could be useful on mumsnet too.

It is:

Now dear, always remember to engage brain before opening mouth!

You may not mean to upset people with threads like this but you will. If you just want to engage with people, try to think of less provocative ways of doing so. It sounds like you are having a tough time yourself and there are, I'm sure, plenty of people on here who would be happy to chat / offer support.

Try not to worry too much about how other people parent their kids and focus on how you are doing yourself.

libelulle · 08/04/2011 11:38

And incidentally, why would I mention my son's medical history to you at baby group? Sometimes I do - sometimes I prefer not to go into the whole sorry saga, especially if it looks like someone is wearing ginormous judgey pants...

puddingface · 08/04/2011 11:39

i do apologise for my sarcasm there was no need
just touched a raw nerve there

strandedpolarbear · 08/04/2011 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mickeyjohn · 08/04/2011 11:40

Is this for real?!! REALLY?! You can actually be bothered to POST ON HERE that some babies have 'too flat' heads?!?! And you judge their parents for it?!??! Blimey........

YouaretooniceNOT · 08/04/2011 11:41

What about prem babies? - sometimes they are only capable of lieing on their backs - sometimes beyond their baby years due to developmental delay. My son had a flattish head too from lieing in an incubator for months after being born at 25 weeks. He is 12 years old now and does not have a flat head. Although i wouldn't judge you for it OP! Grin

AuntieMaggie · 08/04/2011 11:42

My nieces head was flat at the back when she was born and they said it was probably the way she lay in the womb...

My head has a flat bit on the top - nothing to do with bad parenting...

zukiecat · 08/04/2011 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pancakeflipper · 08/04/2011 11:43

But OP ( get out from behind the settee) you could not tell any other health problems at all from looking at him It was just a flat head with one of his cheeks larger than the others.

When I held him up to a mirror I would want to cry cos it looked so pronounced.

I haven't really thought about all this for ages now and by coincidence I am meeting one of the mums I chatted to at Tots groups today and she's going to be stunned when I give her a big hug cos I am glad I had nice supportive friends.