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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be judgey about parents with babies with REALLY flat heads

324 replies

BigGingerCat · 08/04/2011 10:20

Second AIBU thread I've started today - I must be mad.

First off - my DS has a bit of a flat patch, very mild. I know it happens because we all lay babies on their backs to sleep now, and it is apparently just cosmetic. Not talking about mild or moderate cases as these I understand can fix themselves when the baby gets older. I also accept that there is only so much you can do. But I go to a lot of baby groups and I would say that about 1 in 20 babies I've seen have heads which are entirely flat at the back, i.e from the neck up it's just a straight line. Literally it shocks me and I'm not easily shockable. And these same parents put their babies straight down on their backs for the whole of the baby group. Mine can't sit but I hold him on my lap, put him on his tummy, turn his head etc.... all things which I would have thought were basic common sense things to do.

I am not judging women who have PND and who are too exhausted and miserable to function, and where this may be a factor. I have it too. But there is no excuse for letting your baby get like this - surely skulls can't always pop back to normal if they're that far gone out of shape? Feel really sorry for the kids concerned, especially boys as their hair won't cover it. Am I the only person who notices this sort of thing and gets....well a bit judgey quite frankly?

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 08/04/2011 14:20

Look.

OP.

You could spend ages ensuring that your son doesn't suffer bollocking made up imagined effects of fucking perfectly normal mattresses flat head but he will only bloody well go and play football when he is 7 and get his nose broken.

What will you do then?

OP posts:
IgnoringTheChildren · 08/04/2011 14:27

Rather than getting all "judgey" about it (although really the OP isn't that bad!) it is something that mums should be made more aware of.

When I had DS1 the back to sleep message was (understandably) really strongly put across but the need for tummy time play and the risks of babies getting flat heads wasn't even mentioned to me. As a result DS1 has a mis-shapen head and it isn't ever going to resolve itself. It is just a cosmetic issue and he's fortunate that it's not that bad. I don't beat myself up over it but I do wish that someone (midwives/health visitor/anyone?) had mentioned it as a potentional problem back when I could have done something about it!

By the way if you aren't looking for it then you probably won't notice it in your own baby until it's too late to do anything about it (unless you really want to go the helmet route!) - after all most of us are too busy being mums. However when you do notice it, it can become the thing you notice most of all about your DC and about other people's DCs too!

dreamingbohemian · 08/04/2011 14:28

OP I think it's sad that you think you deserve to be judged Sad

I know it's probably natural at the mo, but please, try not to worry what other people think. Your baby doesn't care what other people think and really, it doesn't matter.

dreamingbohemian · 08/04/2011 14:30

Leonie, FFS

My baby used to have a flat head, now it's popped out and perfect.

So should I be ashamed or proud?

Your world is so confusing

ENormaSnob · 08/04/2011 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GetOrfMoiLand · 08/04/2011 14:35

OP I thought you were making it up. Blush

Had NO idea it actually existed.

Mind you, is that why my glasses are wonky on my face? They probably laid me on my back in the Silver Cross and left me in the garden for hours on end

nokissymum · 08/04/2011 14:35

DS2 was born with back of his head flat! had absolutley nothing to do with me at all, so please dont assume anything.

GetOrfMoiLand · 08/04/2011 14:35

Or did OP create that website and is it all made up in order to fox me?

and lolol

ObiWan · 08/04/2011 14:36

I am not saying a perfect skull is down to my good parenting. i'm saying something a bit more subtle than that - more that his skull is fine, I've tried my best to keep it not-flat and it seems to have worked, so that's one thing I don't have to worry about and for that I'm pleased.
That's great for you, but your judgyness is making others feel bad (as evidenced I would guess by the attitude of the other mother at the baby group).

Babies spend most of the time on their backs, it's safe, practical and pretty normal. If your baby is prone to developing a flattened skull, it will do so despite your best efforts. Those helmets that you hear of are only relevent to a very few, if any children.
Your approach to this is akin to one of the other mothers telling you that your PND is going to set your child up for a dreadful future. You would quite rightly consider them to be ill-informed and somewhat unpleasant. You are trying to make yourself feel better at others expense, and it's not nice.
You will probably emerge from the first few months of this motherhood lark and cringe at some the ideas you had. It wil be a lot easier for you if you try to keep a strangle hold on your sense of perspective, and keep the judgyness inside your haed.
With the best will in the world, announcing to random parents that they are standing by and willfully ignoring the well being of their child (in your, possibly wrong-footed, opinion) is not going to win you any friends.

womma · 08/04/2011 14:37

YABU

VeronicaCake · 08/04/2011 14:41

BGC - why are you defending this nonsense? The links you post say that the primary problem with flat-headedness is cosmetic, that it generally sorts itself out over time and that on balance putting babies to sleep on their backs is waaaaaaaay more important than fretting about the shape of their heads. The parenting support group says bullying in the playground may occur but frankly if your kid is being picked on for the shape of his head the problem is with the spiteful little wretches doing the bullying not the child himself.

A small amount of tummy time a day may or may not make a difference, but when they are tiny loads of babies hate tummy time.

Parenting is hard for all of us and right at the beginning it is very very hard (it does get easier I promise), there is no need to add to the stress you or anyone else feels at this point by judging something minor and cosmetic. You might just as well sneer at mothers whose babies have cradle cap or milk spots.

FlamingJamie · 08/04/2011 14:44

I have screwed up all of the following: Labour, birth, bonding, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, napping, adapting to life as a SAHM and now weaning as well. Oh, and the nail cutting, yes I was perfectly genuine about that. And if people judge me, fine, I deserve it. Why can't people accept that they just might have got this wrong too?

Stop it - stop self-flaggellating and stop projecting. I really don't think it was at all helpful to you to start this thread.

FlamingJamie · 08/04/2011 14:46

... or more sensitively put - wot Pelvic Floor said on the last page

womma · 08/04/2011 14:46

If I had a baby with a flat head I'd have it rehomed and try again for one with a nice head

Original poster
BigGingerCat · 08/04/2011 14:54

The links were to GetOrf who said that she didn't realise that a baby being on back caused a flat head. But they also showed that some parents were concerned, and there were steps that could be taken successfully to alleviate the issue. That's the only reason I posted them.

I have never said a word to anyone in real life, neither would I. But if they had the balls to say to me that my PND was setting me and the baby up for a miserable future, I would say that they were entitled to their opinion - if I judge I am prepared to be judged, as I have said many times on this thread.

And now I am signing out for the last time, as BGC and probably from Mumsnet as well. This is not a nice or helpful place to be, people are deliberately misunderstanding me and having a laugh and I have other things to do, like getting myself well.

OP posts:
Jaquelinehyde · 08/04/2011 14:54

What the hell is this perfect shaped skull that everyone keeps referring to and why should it be something to feel proud of?

As I said before I have a flat head. A very, very flat head at the back, not just a gentle slope or slight flatness (as insinuated by another poster who has never seen me or my head) I have the kind of head that would lean flat against a wall!!

I do not care, it has never bothered me or anyone else I have ever met or known and it certainly doesn't bother all the relatives I listed earlier who also have flat heads.

Guess what we were born with them like this, nobody did this to us, nobody is to blame. It's just the way we are.

Please God I hope those of you on here who feel proud at your babies 'perfect' shaped skulls very soon grow up and find something more worthy to be proud of.

Really it's like me saying oh I'm so proud I have a child with curly hair, aren't I amazing look what I did? Hmm

nobodyimportant · 08/04/2011 14:57

I have two DC who hated being on their tummies. The first had and has a perfectly round head, the second had a terrible flat head on one side, which is still a little misshapen, although not in a glaringly obvious way, now at age 4 and presumably always will be. In terms of time spent on their backs there was no difference. The difference was something innate in them.

Unfortunately the most common advice given out is that it will rectify itself as they grow. So even if the parents are concerned and seek advice they will be told there is no need to do anything. The paediatrician we saw was not remotely concerned about it. I did my own research and took several steps to help rectify it, so it is not nearly as bad as it could have been. However if I hadn't listened to the advice, that it would sort itself out, for so long it wouldn't have got nearly as bad in the first place.

Personally I didn't want to use a helmet. It seemed a bit extreme to me.

Rather than judge the parents we should perhaps concentrate our efforts on the advice given by health professionals?

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 08/04/2011 14:57

YABU

my iranian OH calls my head "turkish" because that's apparently what they associate with people who have rounded backs of head where he comes from. his persian head goes straight up from neck up.

i think what you are noticing are natural differences between different genetics just as some peope don't have much of a nasal bridge whilst others have a roman nose.

GetOrfMoiLand · 08/04/2011 14:58

OP don't go, yes some of us are taking the piss but tbh it is quite funny.

Lots of people have made the reasonable connection between your PND and your fretting about such small things.

TBH you will get a lot of help on here if you post about your PND - don't dismiss MN on the basis of this thread. If you look at the rest of the threads in the am I being unreasonmable topic you will see that they are all generally very blunt.

The rest of the board is not like that.

Jaquelinehyde · 08/04/2011 14:59

BGC there is no reason for you to flounce. You started a thread in AIBU that was bound to insult loads of people on MN, of course you are going to take some flack for it. You would have known that when you posted.

What I suggest you do is steer clear of AIBU and maybe seek support in some of the amazing threads that are on here designed to help and support people when they need it. I've been helped many times over, do not let this ruin what could be a really positive experience for you.

jeckadeck · 08/04/2011 15:06

BGC don't get upset but you should really own this as you started it. And honestly, what did you expect? You started a thread on mumsnet saying that you thought you were essentially better than other mothers because of your having mastered some really quite trivial bit of baby development -- you admit yourself in your OP that you are being "judgey" so what did you honestly hope to achieve by starting a thread saying "oh I'm being judgey, is anyone else?" and then getting huffy when people point out that you're being a bit sanctimonious. You must have known that some people would get offended. You can't have it both ways. Either you take responsibility for your post or you don't, your prerogative. But you seem to be trying to say people are nasty to you because people have pulled you up on your being gratuitously nasty about other parents.

blondepinhead · 08/04/2011 15:08

I had to take DD to a paediatric physiotherapist a few times in the early months. She had positional talipes (feet turned inwards) at birth. They were resolving well and we were about to be signed off when I mentioned that she seemed to have a preference for turning her head one way. Instantly she was checked out, the physio noted that her neck was definitely stiffening in one direction and we were given some daily exercises to correct it, as well as referral to a paediatric osteopath. Apparently neck stiffness is a major factor in babies getting a flat head, as they favour lying on one side.

I didn't know any of this before my throwaway comment to the physio. Does anyone else here? You can hardly judge people for something that's so little known.

FlamingJamie · 08/04/2011 15:09

I think your head's not in a good place ATM BFGC. By all means, name-change, but as GetOrf says. lots of us will be able to help you with the PND.

Mishy1234 · 08/04/2011 15:15

I've not read all the responses, but are you SERIOUS? If you are, FGS get over yourself. There are lots of reasons for babies to have flat areas on their heads (of varying degrees). I'm presuming you're not an expert?

Thought not.

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