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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask genuinely, why people don't get married?

617 replies

Lookandlearn · 05/04/2011 19:38

if they are in a committed, permanent relationship and have children? It's a genuine question and I am happy to be ignored if it's too mosey, but gives an airing to side issues from another thread on here.

OP posts:

TattyDevine · 05/04/2011 21:15

On another forum once, a wise woman summed up perfectly why she wasnt' married.

One poster said to her that she wasn't going to have children with a man and compromise her earning power etc without him being properly committed to her. That it made it much harder for him to walk away and that it proved he was in it for the long haul.

The wise woman said that she felt no such need, to "officially" snare her man before committing and having children, or just being with him. She said that through the good times or the bad times, he was with her because he wanted to be, not because he had to be or was trapped.

That's enough for most who dont have other needs to get married, I suspect.

said · 05/04/2011 21:16

"I don't get why people don't want to be married. to me not being married is second rate and also i would rather my children were legitimate. maybe that is contraversial but it is how I feel."

Doesn't sound controversial, just a bit thick.

missedith01 · 05/04/2011 21:17

Because I don't want to be a wife and I don't want the person I live with to be a husband.

comixminx · 05/04/2011 21:17

It's not going to be that surprising if the unmarried folks on here have issues with marriage! I hope though that we're all talking in terms of our own choices, not condemning other people's.

My parents are happily married & have been for 41 years, my sister has been married for about twelve years, my brother for a couple of years. I have lots of good models of happy marriages in my family, but so too do I have at least one good example of a happily unmarried couple, namely my uncle & aunt, who have been together about the same sort of length of time as my parents. I chose to follow their model, and to model unmarried life to the next generation as a viable option.

noddyholder · 05/04/2011 21:17

It is just so pointless unless you really do believe all that in the eyes of god nonsense. Tbh it would mean something if there was no such thing as divorce then I'd like to see how many did it! I love my dp but still feel a certain amount of frivolity in our relationship and I like that. Neither of us are tied here we are here out of choice and its great. The cost aswell I can think of a 1000 things I'd rather spend it on. A lot of men feel pressured into it according to statistics and I know more divorced couples than not. In fact the one shining example of marriage that I do know at the moment (according to her)has a 'devoted' husband who is shagging his PA and the receptionist at teh gym!

greenbananas · 05/04/2011 21:18

I know lots of people locally who would like to get married 'properly' (i.e. big wedding, fancy dress) but simply cannot afford it. They feel that getting married 'properly' involves lots of money. They are just as committed as the married folk. Nobody has the right to look down on them.

youcangetpregnantstandingup · 05/04/2011 21:19

Bratfink, I think you have probably thought about it a great deal!

The thing is, when I was with someone who wouldn't marry me, I came out with all the same reasons against marriage as people have listed on here.I used to have all my answers prepared for people who asked why we weren't married. Now that I have met someone who did want to marry me, I see that I didn't really believe any of it but had convinced myself that marriage was meaningless and a piece of paper to save face and make myself feel better. I'm not saying that is true of all unmarried people, but it was for me.

noddyholder · 05/04/2011 21:23

All the legal stuff irritates me too.If dp and I split I wouldn't be so presumptious as to think ds would stay with me or go with him it could go either way and we could both support ourselves outside of this relationship. I think once you get back to work and your kids are older this outmoded he needs to proved for me in the style I would have had is ridiculous. I know we are adult enough to fairly work things out and some of the mad divorce settlements are daft

usualsuspect · 05/04/2011 21:23

Why assume its because the man won't marry the woman?

noddyholder · 05/04/2011 21:23

provide not proved

noddyholder · 05/04/2011 21:24

You are right usual dp asked me a few times in the early years I think he felt it was the done thing but has just never been in my plans. I cringe when I see threads where women are laying down the law about marriage.

usualsuspect · 05/04/2011 21:26

my dp asked me ..34 years ago

hes still waiting....

Bratfink · 05/04/2011 21:28

Bratfink, I think you have probably thought about it a great deal!

No really I haven't. Life is great as it is. I want for nothing in our relationship and to insinuate I am with man who 'won't marry' me is bonkers

Punkatheart · 05/04/2011 21:30

I have never been interested in marriage - never dreamt about it, never thought about dresses or all the fluffy stuff. I have been with my wonderful man for 20 years. Happy. Secure. We also have an awfully political family - some not speaking, a psychotic sister etc. In the past when we have talked about it - it becomes like Fagin's song in Oliver - We better go and think it out again!!

We are bonded and (vomit) will be together forever. We just fit. He has seen me through a lot of things....

Also we are not religious and therefore do not consider it immoral.

noddyholder · 05/04/2011 21:32

There have been many He won't marry me threads over the years. So undignified and desperate all the If I'm good enough to have his baby nonsense. It is outmoded and irrelevant.

noddyholder · 05/04/2011 21:33

That is how I feel punk. I feel sorry for some people who somehow think a ring and a do will give them that deeper connection. Its there or it isn't

LDNmummy · 05/04/2011 21:33

I'm getting married now, my engagement proceedings start this summer and I am cringing about it.

I used to always imagine being married as a girl but as I got older and had long lasting relationships, I realised that marraige was not at all necessary for a happy relationship or to prove your commitment to each other.

The only reason I am doing it is for legal reasons. I want to have my rights in case anything happens to my DP (God forbid), so kinda feel pushed into it by society as opposed to having a real want to get married.

I would go through the legalities of drawing up legal papers instead of marraige but getting married is a whole lot easier and less messy.

noddyholder · 05/04/2011 21:35

Drawing up papers with a solicitor is a lot less faff than a wedding!

LDNmummy · 05/04/2011 21:35

Oh and I decided to look at the wedding as a day of celebration of my relationship as I do not buy into this weird fairytale concept of everyhting being somehow more solid after your "special day".

noddyholder · 05/04/2011 21:36

That sounds lovely

JosieRosie · 05/04/2011 21:37

Lots of reasons here:

both atheists
childfree so no legal issues with access, custody etc in the event of a split
no mortgage or other financial entanglements, would write wills in the event
both sets of parents married 30+ years, hate each other with a passion, horribly dysfunctional relationships - not the best advert for marriage!
am a feminist and have MAJOR issues with historical aspects of marriage (giving away, diamond ring, white dress, taking husband's name etc) all of which are still expected to be integral parts of marriage even today
not interested in being 'a wife'
don't believe marriage makes the SLIGHTEST difference to whether you stay together or not - if you're compatible, you will work at it
don't think the relationship/marriage should ever be seen as more important as the wellbeing of the individuals
have told DP that the most important this is that we are both happy - if we stop being happy (overall) together, then it's time to split and try to be happy apart, I don't give a fig what sort of promises we made to each other

Would consider a civil partnership, but never ever marriage. No judgement of course, just not for me although sometimes I do wish people would seriously think hard about whether it's for them, rather than just doing it coz they want a party/want loads of gifts/it's just what you do. Unless you're a smug married, in which case

LDNmummy · 05/04/2011 21:41

But you always have to keep going back and altering legal papers as cicumstances change or you may not notice a discrepancy which may cause problems later on. With marraige everything is automatically taken into account, or at least for the most part. Besides, it will make my family happy so why not. Either way its no skin off my nose. I don't think marraige is at all necessary and I acknowledge its history as a way of trading women, but my lack of belief in its magical powers make me equally not bothered about whether I do it or not. As long as I have my DP its all rosy.

And I like a big party, not because of what it is, more because its an excuse to get my family together (we are scattered all over the world) for a big knees up and airing of family disputes

LDNmummy · 05/04/2011 21:43

I wasn't sure if you were being sarcastic (so may MN's slyly are ) noddyholder but assume you weren't so thank you

blueshoes · 05/04/2011 21:45

I don't want to bring children into a relationship without being married to the father and I don't want to be married to a man who I did not think was my partner for life. I also believe in making the man do all the running and he must actively want to marry me.

As a result, I married late and had children late, but I would rather be single and childless than be in an unhappy uncommitted relationship dragging my dcs along with me.

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 05/04/2011 21:45

NoddyHolder - actually getting married would be quicker and cheaper.

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