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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask genuinely, why people don't get married?

617 replies

Lookandlearn · 05/04/2011 19:38

if they are in a committed, permanent relationship and have children? It's a genuine question and I am happy to be ignored if it's too mosey, but gives an airing to side issues from another thread on here.

OP posts:
Blu · 08/04/2011 15:09

Jogon, what on earth are you talking about? I am not an anarchist and my (non) marital status has no detrimental effect on your taxes. I am a tax payer....why are you so worked up about this? And presuming things?

I don't need to get married, I see no reason to make poublic vows in front of our local registrar, and not anti-state per se, i just don't see the need to be married.

usualsuspect · 08/04/2011 16:25

so not being married makes me an old spinster and a dole scrounger Grin

and heres me working and paying taxes ..just like a married woman

hairylights · 08/04/2011 17:59

"Being Miss at my age smacks of spinsterdom. And I love husband too. Not boyfriend ( laughs loudly!) "

I don't now how old you are, but I am forty three next Wednesday and have just reverted to Miss, by deed poll. I love it. I am not a 'spinster' and I LOVE having a boyfriend and saying the word 'boyfriend' too after being in a shit marraige.

hairylights · 08/04/2011 18:01

The other reason, that one of you is significantly better off than the other smacks of control/inequality

Sorry, but why the fuck should I (for the second time) sign a bit of paper which says the guy I live with is entitled to any of what I earn???

He's perfectly capable of working and does so, I have worked harder, been luckier or whatever, but I put the hard work in which means I have a better salary.. Just why should I pay his way as well as my own??? and how dare you say that's control or inequality!

Jogon · 08/04/2011 20:08

Hairylights.

If a poster wrote what you have written but about her husbands attitude, there'd be uproar.

How many times have we read about women in relationships where the man controls the money or keeps most of it for himself or only has his name on the deeds.

When a woman does it it's liberation and when a man does it it's control or abuse.

TheMonster · 08/04/2011 20:11

DP and I have been engaged for 5 and half years. We'd love to get married but the cost puts us off, even just for a register office wedding. Something else always gets in the way.

hairylights · 08/04/2011 20:15

Exactly - that's kind of my point. I note your use of the word 'husband'. I'm not talking about 'husband' i'm talking about the man I live with, but am not married to.

I can assure you there is no control or abuse in this relationship - the fact is at present I pay all the rent, and most of the other bills - because he is building his business. But why should he then be entitled to my money (whether we are together or if we split up)

Why is it so awful when it's a man and a woman in that situation, where the man is the higher earner, but both are working?

It isn't control and abuse (unless the people concerned are parents, and one has chosen not to work - that's a different deal).

When he have children, my partner will be the SAHD - things will clearly be different then - in terms of the income. he will have made a choice to stay at home four days a week rather than work outside the home, so clearly there will be a division of labour thing going on, in which case, of course our joint income will be 'family' money.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 08/04/2011 20:51

I think the argument, especially in the case of SAHPs being at home for several years while being totally dependent on their partner, do an equally valid (though unpaid) job. The fact that it isn't paid isn't the issue, but while the other person IS at work, the stay at home parent generally takes care of most of the other things. Just because one half of the couple either doesn't contribute financially , or earns much less so can't equally contribute, doesn't mean that they don't equally own the home (for example) and don't contribute in other ways.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 08/04/2011 20:52
scottishmummy · 08/04/2011 20:54

if you dont have a joint mortgage ,or tenants in common it does mean unwaged sahp doesnt own half the house.

if unmarried you need to see a solicitor and sort this - if not, and relationship ends the unwaged person has not contributed to mortgage and cannot necessarily claim half house

PatientGriselda · 08/04/2011 21:05

Why is it so awful/controlling/inequitable if both unmarried partners are working but the man is the higher earner? That's my situation, and I am mortified beyond belief that some people think I am somehow oppressed simply because I am not entitled to any of his money in the event of a break up.

Why on earth should I be entitled to it? It's his! He earns his salary and I earn mine and we would continue to be able to do that separately.

Jogon · 08/04/2011 21:15

Patientgriselda.

If you are happy and he is happy - that's fine.

I could not and would not contemplate a relationship where we did not share every penny. We always have and always will.

If you are unmarried you are probably not entitled to anything, no.

alistron1 · 08/04/2011 21:23

I'm 36, have 4 kids and am a spinster. My DP and I have been going out together for 18 years and aren't married.

It's never been important to us. By that I mean there has always been something else for us to spend money on. I know that weddings aren't expensive (if you don't want them to be) but finding that extra couple of hundred quid when you have school uniforms to buy, a car to MOT, rent to pay etc... can be difficult.

We consider ourselves as being 'married' and refer to each other as husband and wife. We have no shared assets (well no assets at all TBH other than a 300 quid volvo!!) apart from the kids and we both have PR for them...so being legally married wouldn't make a difference to our relationship as it stands.

If we had the dosh we'd have a huge old wedding with a cracking party. But we don't at the moment, so we won't!!

scottishmummy · 08/04/2011 21:48

you dont work jogon,so naturally you want to share every penny?else how else would you get by. so it is a case of well you would say that

PatientGriselda · 08/04/2011 21:53

I don't want to be entitled to anything, jogon! So there's no "probably" about it - I would feel grasping in the extreme if I were ever to try to get anything of that sort from him, "entitled" or not.

Jogon · 08/04/2011 22:14

scottishmummy, I don;t work NOW but I did for the first fifteen years and earned considerably more than him at one point. In fact, the only reason we have the house we now do is because it was bought on my salary many years ago when property was cheap ( relatively!).

Everything we have we earned together, either by both or one of us earning or one of us running the home supporting the other.

You ask how else I would get by. By returning to my extremely lucrative profession, that's how. I'm still dying to know what you do. Are you a teacher?

adventuremouse · 08/04/2011 22:26

I'm not married to dp because I've never liked the idea of being married. I don't like some of the symbolism of a traditional wedding, like being given away, reminds me too much of ownership of women. I also don't think that I could ever promise to stay with dp forever, much as I love him now, because I don't know what will happen in the future. So for me it would be fake to get married. That said, if it mattered to dp I would marry him.

Our finances are stable, we have wills, mortgage is in joint names, both our salaries are paid into a joint account. But the main point is that I trust him (I realise I might get slated for this) and I believe that if we did split we would treat each other decently.

Wamster · 09/04/2011 07:52

OK, if people wish to be unmarried and are happy NOT to be entitled to be any financial compensation for unpaid work such as being a sahp, that is fine by me; their choice. They're adults; nobody has forced them into it.
BUT, I don't want to hear any bull from them and whining that they should get a share of their partner's monies in event of split (obviously jointly owned stuff is different, as is monies for children). If they choose to be unmarried, fine, their lookout.
But I will be angry as heck if I have MY right to live with somebody and walk away without being threatened with my ex demanding some of my money taken away from ME because some people don't want to be married but, yeah, kind of do really because they want cohabiting rights Confused.

They should get married, make their own legal arrangments or just put up and shut up.

FattyAcid · 09/04/2011 08:05

Totally agree with Wamster

nannyl · 09/04/2011 09:40

Me and OH arnt married

our parents have 6 divorces between them Shock
OH saw his own parents messy divorce and then his dads 2nd divorce, even worse. Sad My mother divirced again just last week and that has been a nightmare, from even before the wedding!

I want to be married (In my family church) OH doesnt (yet)
We WILL marry one day, but not until our famiky is complete (#1 on the way Smile cause i dont wanna get married pg, or without my figure back!.)

We are committed, i believe marriage is just a piece of paper, which costs lots of solicitors fees to un-do, and i dont need a piece of paper, to be commited to OH and bring up his children together, as a family.
I still want to marry him one day, but i dont want it to be for a few years yet!

Jogon · 09/04/2011 13:01

It may well be, " just a piece of paper" but that paper gives you both a level of protection, rights and responsibilities that even the most rigorous set of legal paper scan't match.

kickassangel · 09/04/2011 19:39

See, how to quantify what you are 'owed' in a relationship is really hard to decide (and explains those divorces which drag on).
my dh earns considerably more than i do & always will, unless we both massively change our careers.

the reasons for this are many

  1. he has better qualifications - his work earnt that, he should benefit
  2. he works in private sector - so economics of supply/demand lead to that
  3. as a girl i wasn't given much encouragement/support to stay in education as long as him - who 'pays' for that?
  4. as a woman, my caring career is valued less by society - part of the inherent misogyny of society - again, who 'pays'
  5. i have, twice, 'sacrificed' my career to support his - so he should support me for that.

so if we divorce, how do we decided what (if anything) i'm due?
or do we decide that as we committed to each other & had a child together, we therefore should contribute & receive evenly, even if we earn differently?
no system is inherently fairer than another, it depends v much on each family situation.

NotaMopsa · 09/04/2011 20:26

wamster it's you so high up on your hobby horse that you can barely see daylight

Many of us unmarrieds are blissfully happy to have wild reckless sex with a man who is not our 'hubby' for the rest of our lives

I NEVER bring up the unmarried ness of myself and dp but my married friends frequently do. It is you they with the ishoos

Blu · 09/04/2011 20:31

I think marriage is a very good idea where the partnership is built around different roles, and completely agree that a non-wage earning sahp should be entitled to half. I also think there should be a clear separation between marriage and co-hab. And fo the same reason I disagree with pe-nup agreements to marriage. Marriage is the becoming of one unit and however wealthy a man is I don't see why a woman (or man) should be denied half of what he earns in the time of the marriage when what s/he has promised is that evrything will be shared. that's the deal - why get married if you wnat to start undermining the basic deal of equal sharing?

alistron1 · 09/04/2011 20:34

Me and MrA have been going out for 18 years and have 4 kids. We have no assets to share (apart from a 300 quid volvo) and are rather happy etc...

He cooks, he works hard, is a good dad and is rather easy on the eye. Being married isn't important to us. We've been through all sorts of stuff and are still bestest friends

If we won the lottery we'd probably have a huge old wedding, but as it stands paying for uniforms, MOT's, food and that takes priority over getting spliced.