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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask genuinely, why people don't get married?

617 replies

Lookandlearn · 05/04/2011 19:38

if they are in a committed, permanent relationship and have children? It's a genuine question and I am happy to be ignored if it's too mosey, but gives an airing to side issues from another thread on here.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 05/04/2011 21:47

Cheaper than a wedding? Well ours wasn't as expensive as a wedding

JosieRosie · 05/04/2011 21:47

LDNmumm - that's one of the things I like most about legal papers instead of marriage. Life does change, circumstances do change, relationships do change. The terms of marriage are unclear - neither partner is required to be clear what is expected/required of the other and what are the dealbreakers. By drawing up your own legal papers, you can negotiate and come to an arrangement that suits you and your partner and most of all, be clear about what you need from each other.

noddyholder · 05/04/2011 21:50

Blueshoes that sounds a bit desperate and not sure why you think umarried means uncommitted and dragging children around?????????

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 05/04/2011 21:51

NoddyHolder - less than £47.50?

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 05/04/2011 21:52

Because marriage means absolutely nothing to me.

It's really that simple.

smokinaces · 05/04/2011 21:52

ha ha ha ha ha Blueshoes. Sorry, but ha ha ha ha ha. I did all that. I did the living together. The marriage. The 2.4 children. The mortgage. I married for life.

Shame my husband didnt hold the same fucking view. So I am now on my own with the kids as he pissed off. You can't plan everything - and a marraige certificate does not make anyone work harder at their relationship IMO - just traps people together longer than they should be.

seeker · 05/04/2011 21:54

"but I would rather be single and childless than be in an unhappy uncommitted relationship dragging my dcs along with me."

So would I. What's that got to do with marriage?

noddyholder · 05/04/2011 21:56

Oh coalition I know that you can get married for that but I don't think a typical wedding turns out that way.

said · 05/04/2011 21:57

"I also believe in making the man do all the running..." Why? Seriously, why? Sounds like game-playing - not sure if that's what you mean?

MikeRotch · 05/04/2011 21:58

I think the woman being mother yet giving kids the dads nanevis a worse betrayal if feminism than marriage ever was

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 05/04/2011 21:58

Oh and having read the previous page - DP would have quite liked to marry me, for some vague notion of tradition. He's accepted now that it's not something I am interested in doing, and we are happy together just as we are.

LDNmummy · 05/04/2011 22:00

I think if you have an open and honest relationship about what you expect, there is a moral obligation to uphold this. I think that it comes down to how sure you are about your partner. I am very sure. If we ever get divorced, divorce can be messy but moral expectations and verbal promises are taken into account.

TBH, if I were drawing up legal papers, they would be more relaxed that what you have stated and would only cover inheritance or our status as a couple. They would not be that in depth which would probably cause more problems in the long run. But that is just my situation.

I could also argue the point of simply being with your partner without marraige or a need for legal documents t be drawn up, as in just being with your partner without any status at all.

Blushoe's each to their own but I find your views somewhat archaic. Why are children dragged around if a couple are not married?

smokinaces · 05/04/2011 22:00

here here seeker. marriage does not equal more commited relationship

Scaredycat3000 · 05/04/2011 22:00

The reason some people in long term relationships might feel defensive is due to running into small minded people in real life. For example the very first thing that my non-MIL said to us, after over 10 years together, in reply to 'we're pregnant' was 'Well are you two getting married then'.

blueshoes · 05/04/2011 22:00

It separates the wheat from the chaff. It is no guarantee of happiness but it is as good a form of due diligence as it gets. Man does the running, man puts his money where his mouth is. I observe and decide what is good enough for me and my future dcs.

The proof is in the pudding.

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 05/04/2011 22:01

Ever, MikeCrotch? Even when a wife was a husband's property to do with as he wished, beat, rape and abuse - all perfectly legally? Names are worse than that?

Names are names.

LDNmummy · 05/04/2011 22:02

"I think the woman being mother yet giving kids the dads nanevis a worse betrayal if feminism than marriage ever was"

Completely agree, my children will have both and DP has never questioned it but rather understood why, one of the reasons I trust him as a life partner.

blueshoes · 05/04/2011 22:03

Dragged around is in relation to an unhappy relationship. If it works out that's great. But if it does not, it is the dcs who suffer. Marriage, for me, is a screening device and is for my protection and my dcs.

DiscoDaisy · 05/04/2011 22:06

Living together unmarried does not mean an unhappy relation just like being married does not mean a happy relationship and vice versa.

LDNmummy · 05/04/2011 22:06

Blushoes men can do all that and turn out to be the worst mistake of your life or you can end up with a messy divorce. He could enjoy the thrill of the chase then after having you for a few years as wife, may decide he is bored and move on. That is not a good indication of a mans commitment.

I would rather have a partner who does not think of me as prey to be chased after but rather an equal.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 05/04/2011 22:07

This is a really interesting thread :-)

LDNmummy · 05/04/2011 22:08

Oh and I say this as a child of divorced parent's who's divorce took almost a decade and was very messy. Believe me I was not screened from anything.

LeQueen · 05/04/2011 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ginmakesitallok · 05/04/2011 22:08

Marriage does not = commitment. The love I have for my partner and he for me = commitment. That and the kids and the mortgage.

Blueshoes - you are mad. Lots and lots of crap men get married (as do lots of crap women!) - you only have to read the countless threads on here about infidelity/abuse etc. Being married does not decrease the chances of marrying a "wrong-un" (It does make it more difficult to get away from them sometimes though)

ginmakesitallok · 05/04/2011 22:09

LeQueen - and because some can't be arsed and think there are more important things in life??